Living together before marriage

[Gaze]

So, do you think it's better to live together before marriage, why or why not.


This is not a question about whether couples should or shouldn't get married, but how choosing to live together or not live together before intending to marry affects the relationship and the chance of getting married.

See poll above

 

[Gaze]

“Why we won’t move in together”

By Judy Dutton
In April 2010, Kristin M., 31, was laid off from her
management consulting position. Money was tight, especially since she lived in
New York City. But even though she could have saved a bundle by moving in with
her boyfriend of three years, she decided against it. “Throughout the economic
recession, we lived separately,” she says. This decision puzzled many of her
friends, who’d moved in with their boyfriends much sooner. But it wasn’t because
Kristin wasn’t serious about the guy (they’d end up getting engaged a year
later), and it wasn’t for religious reasons, either. Kristin just felt that the
benefits of living apart were worth the extra expense, even as her savings
dwindled. “We both think it’s better for the long-term when couples take things
slow,” she explains.

In this harsh economic climate wracked by layoffs
and plummeting stock portfolios, Kristin’s solid stance against moving in
together might strike some couples as an extravagant luxury they can’t afford.
If you’re serious about someone, why not move in together a little
sooner rather than later so you can avoid running up credit card debt — or start
socking away cash for a wedding? But many couples, it turns out, fear that
rushing to cohabitate may damage their relationship. “As a budget-conscious man,
I can tell you the financial sense of living together has been tempting at
times,” admits Kendall J., 25, of Raleigh, NC, who’s engaged but living separate
from his fianc

 

[JGirl]

So, do you think it's better to live together before marriage, why or why not.


This is not a question about whether couples should or shouldn't get married, but how choosing to live together or not live together before intending to marriage affects the relationship and the likelihood of getting married.

Poll to follow

i absolutely do think couples should live together first. omg think of all the things you could have avoided just knowing ahead of time that he farts and snores!!
seriously though, there is nothing like living with someone to get to know who and how they truly are.

 

[acd]

I think people should sleep together and live together before they marry because
the best decision is an informed decision... but definitely take your time moving in together and what not.

 

[barbad0s]

I think if you're planning on having an expensive wedding and spending a lot of money on moving in together, then it would be regretful if you never lived together and huge issues suddenly came up that couldn't be fixed. You would want to divorce and it would all be a huge waste of money. Even living together short term would provide some insight into how you'd live together afterwards. It would of course influence the likelihood of getting married, but those who have issues that they aren't able or being serious enough to try to fix when they're living together shouldn't be getting married anyway.

 

[Nixie]

I cannot answer for anyone but myself. I would not choose to live with a man before marriage. I think if you are going to commit, you should commit. Living together is a way to pretend you are committed while not being truely committed. I think part of getting married is learning all those things about each other when you start making a life together. There is a deeper desire to learn to cope with sharing your life with someone when you are married. I have never lived with any of my boyfriends and don't see myself choosing to do such a thing. I am terribly old fashioned when it comes to living together and wouldn't choose to do it.

 

[Matariki]

Well, I'm glad to see I'm not the only old fashioned fart around here. Though I voted incorrectly. 'In most cases, probably not'.

 

[magister343]

Cohabitation before marraige as a way to test the relationship is never a good idea. If you feel that you need a trial run, then you are not ready for such commitment. Often those who move in together end up getting married not because they really want to, but because they bow to social expectations or have become so enmeshed that marriage just seems easier than breaking up.

On the other hand, I don't see any problem with a couple moving in together before the wedding for logistical purposes. I consider the loving commitment itself to be the real marriage, with the wedding ceremony and paperwork serving as publicly affirmation for a preexisting state. (This was actually the Church's official position well into the middle ages, before they decided to create a new sacrament of matrimony.) The difference between a legally married couple and an engaged couple is just a technicality.

 

[Jill Hives]

There is a deeper desire to learn to cope with sharing your life with someone when you are married.

This is completely your own subjective opinion.

 

[Sriracha]

Yes, they should. Funny how some will always always present a clean home, clean bathroom, organized lifestyle ... only to move in with them and find out it was all for show. I'm not talking about myself here, but another family member. A clean freak living with a slob is not an easy combination.

 

[JGirl]

legally married is just that - a legality.
as for the christian concept of marriage, well, i doubt god cares really. i think he/she/it would be more concerned with the relationship, not the contract.
i have lived with my partner now for 8 years. prior to that i was married for 20 years. having that paper did not make the marriage good, it did not make me feel more loved or secure, and it did not preserve the relationship.
to each their own.

 

[Stu]

I believe even in the case where the betrothed are virgins, a roommate situation would be helpful.

 

[Gaze]

I tend to think of marriage as a unique union which isn't the same as living together. I don't think living together has anything to do with the couple's fit or compatiblity. The living situation is often confused with the relationship. I think living together doesn't change the relationship, it just exaggerates the problems you may have if you were to get married later on, or reinforces whether you're someone who is willing to compromise despite everything else. If you develop good communication and interpersonal skills, are honest with each other, and want a real union or relationship with the person, then you're not going to want to lie to them or not allow them to see the best of you. If you really love someone, you will compromise. Yes, we will hide particular aspects of the self we don't want the person to see, and I can see where living together will let you see those aspects of the person. But it's really how honest you feel you can be with the person, that determines how you approach a relationship. If you're truly comfortable and able to be yourself in a relationship, then you won't hide important things about yourself from them. The person may not like or want to accept those aspects but that's separate. If you're looking for a perfect person who will tell you what you want to hear and show you a person who fits your ideal, then of course, you won't get to know the real person until you are with them everyday. Marriage is not a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. It's a long term/lifetime committment which assumes that you will be living with someone everyday, so if you're not preparing yourself or the possibility of seeing the real person everyday, and expect them to be this perfect individual who does everything the right way, the way you want, or exactly as you expect, then you're not being honest with yourself. You're not being honest about it means to be married if you're looking at your partner and the living situation with perfect eyes. Fact is, many people don't prepare themselves mentally and psychologically for marriage. They just go into it, expecting their partners to fulfill their expectations of and when it doesn't work out, they blame the partner and leave. They aren't being honest with themselves about what marriage really means.

 

[acd]

I cannot answer for anyone but myself. I would not choose to live with a man before marriage. I think if you are going to commit, you should commit. Living together is a way to pretend you are committed while not being truely committed. I think part of getting married is learning all those things about each other when you start making a life together. There is a deeper desire to learn to cope with sharing your life with someone when you are married. I have never lived with any of my boyfriends and don't see myself choosing to do such a thing. I am terribly old fashioned when it comes to living together and wouldn't choose to do it.

No. Moving in together is not pretending to be committed. If anythg I personally feel more committed to the person I'm living with than i did when we were dating.. And of course you have to be commited to someone if you are running a household together..But I don't believe people should enter into any contract blindly.

 

[Stu]

No. Moving in together is not pretending to be committed.

I have seen many people (notably in their early twenties) who date, co-habitate (or not) and then marry without understanding what a committed intimate relationship is.

There is a cultural momentum that propels many from highschool prom through marriage and first baby that seemingly promises the "initiates" the happiness of "normalcy".

How many late twenties early thirties folks have we seen pop into this forum over the last couple of years seeking understanding of a train wreck of a marriage?


Whenever one feels the pull of societal pressure to make personal commitments, one has to become as conscious as they can of what role they are playing.

 

[acd]

I agree.

And personally, I'm not concerned with marriage. Outside of health and tax benefits, it's pointless to me.
You don't need a marriage to make a commitment to someone.

 

[Norton]

Opinions aside, this kind of thing is totally subjective and up to the individuals involved. There is no right way, just the best way for the two of you. You have to decide for yourselves, and what anyone else thinks doesn't matter.

 

[Kanamori]

I definitely think living together before marrying is a good idea.

Getting stuck in a marriage you don't like would be pretty awful. Far better to try living together w/o all of the financial problems and strife that would happen from a divorce.

In my experience it has limited neither commitment nor closeness.

 

[Norton]

I agree.

And personally, I'm not concerned with marriage. Outside of health and tax benefits, it's pointless to me.
You don't need a marriage to make a commitment to someone.

If you want to have children, you do need marriage. Even if you don't want children, not marrying can bring unintended consequences, despite strong commitment. I've seen someone kicked out the house he lived in with his long term partner for thirty years because they never married and she was killed in an accident. We live in a society of laws and traditions that often transcend the sentiments of individuals.

 

[GracieRuth]

Statistically, women are more likely to be phsycially abused if they are cohabiting rather than married. The likelihoode of it leading to marraige is very small, and among cohabiters that DO end up tying the knot, they are FAR more likely to divorce later on. The scientists who have run these studies have intepreted the data to suggest that those who choose to cohabit have two problems:
1. They mistakenly assume that cohabiting will reveal if a relationship will work as a marraige, when in reality people act very differently in a committed marraige than a non-commital living arrangement.
2. Those who choose to cohabit do so primarily out of difficulties with commitment, making them statistically more likely to divorce even if they do eventually marry.

Basically, if a stable marriage is your goal, the last thing you should do is cohabit. If cohabitation is what you really like, then it's probably a good idea not to marry anyhow, as you are not likely to stick around.

I could go into the issues of how this impacts children, but in my experience, people who choose to cohabit don't usually care how they effect their kids.

Yeap, I know my opinion is a strong one, and very counter-cultural. But you knew when you asked the question that there would be these differences of opinion, eh?

Journal artical connecting cohabitatin with domestic violence: http://www.northwestern.edu/ipr/jcpr/workingpapers/wpfiles/kenney_mclanahan.pdf

Journal artical linking cohabitation with higher divorce rate:
http://sf.oxfordjournals.org/content/69/1/207.short