Leaving our parents behind! | INFJ Forum

Leaving our parents behind!

Discussion in 'Psychology and MBTI' started by Blind Bandit, Jan 3, 2010.

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  1. Blind Bandit

    Blind Bandit Blind Man Being Lead to Nowhere
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    I think it was Uberrogo mentioned that it seemed like a tend for INFJs to leave their parents and possible their family behind. I can't say I agree with this as a trend. Do I think happens yes I do. But I can't say its a trend as I don't have enough information to make that claim. But thats not what I'm looking to talk about. I wanted to talk about why this may happen. For those of us with very different parents. Myself for example mom is (ESTJ) and dad is (ISTP). Its a struggle to connect to family. my mom made a comment " You don't have to connect with everyone on some deep level!" She was talking about my dad. And this to me at least demonstrates my relationship with my mom. She still after all this time doesn't understand my side. My father isn't much better. So I've simply come to understand that my parents and myself will never be close at least not in the way I would want. Do I enjoy spending time with my parents. For the most part when things aren't going bad then yes. But its not a connection in the way an INFJ would make a connection. I love them both very much but in the grand skeem we aren't connected. I can bet this is not uncommon for many INFJ children with very different parents. So I can see INFJs having this problem and feeling more connected to friends. And I think its ok. Becasue we all have different emotional needs and getting those needs meet is more important than forcing relationships that just won't work. So what do you all think? Did you disconnect from your parents? Do you think this is a big issue? Do you think something like this can be fixed? Other thoughts or comments.
     
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  2. Celsius100

    Celsius100 Community Member

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    I can say that once I moved out from under my parent's roof, it became pretty readily apparent that a number of family members I did (in a sense) leave behind, but my parents and the small number of family members I saw just as much as friends as family have been in my contact since.

    My mom, I actually stay in very close contact with. I'm not sure if it's simply because she's an ENF(?) and I'm able to bounce at least some of my thoughts off of her and get some sort of connection, or if it's just because it was primarily her (directly) raising me, with my dad's heavy work schedule. I keep in close contact with my grandpa as well, but he's probably the person outside of my immediate family that I consider myself closest to.

    It's interesting though, as I'm pretty sure that I'm still on good terms with everyone despite pretty much vanishing.
     
  3. NeverAmI

    NeverAmI Satisclassifaction
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    I personally think it is a trend in a lot of the modern societies. In countries where family doesn't have as large of an emphasis, I think children that leave as soon as they get a chance are more accepted than in other societies. Parenting is a damn tough job and so is growing up, I would have to think it is pretty rare that children and parents will have the same ideals and opinions. We spend a lot of our life trying to meet someone with the same mindset, so we can spend the rest of our life with them, you don't really get that choice with parents/children.
     
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  4. BrokenSequencer

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    I'm 28, moved out at 18...currently live 600 miles from home...my parents fostered an independent streak in me growing up...I have a very small family (mom, dad, younger brother, three cousins and an aunt who are about 800 miles away, that's it)...I'm still close with my parents and talk with them about once a week or so, but have only seen them twice in the past two years. I know a lot of people my age or older who are either still living at home or who have returned home for various reasons. The economy and such has played a part, but I think we as INFJs tend to be a little more independent and willing to strike out on our own. My family experience is a bit unique, as I realize a lot of people still live close to their families, but I find INFJs tend to have a stronger sense of themselves and their abilities and are more apt to be able to take care of themselves.
     
  5. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    I think that uberrogo is right. I hate being around my parents and went far away from them for college. I don't know that I ever really connected with them. I have extreme difficulty being open with them about who I am at all, so I'm not open. I think that they think that I'm an immature idiot. My guess for their types is INTJ father and ISFP mother.

    I think that it is a big issue and is very sad because I can never be comfortable around them. I don't see any way to fix this.
     
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  6. Raccoon Love

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    Both of my parents are E and S, so that pretty much brings much cnflict, mainly because our views differ and conflict very often, they are very traditional and critical, criticizing every aspect of my persona and have ascally not helped me much in anyway, I could describe a recod of my experiences but itwould be to long to fit this post, but I am in this current situation right now where I hope as soon I am able to get my indepenenc I won't hesitate to take it.
     
  7. randomsomeone

    randomsomeone Well-known member

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    I don't think there is anything wrong with leaving your parents, in a manner of speaking. You have your own destiny. A little space, or a lot, seems quite natural at some point. Parents generally do not provide the type of connections an INFJ might enjoy....the parental relationship (assuming it is healthy) is about a whole other set of things...and those things change over time.

    Even the best parent is imperfect...some are probably horrid. But a child has his/her own path, and the parents are usually not a significant part of that.

    I have four kids...all in their twenties now. I did the very best I could for them (and then a little bit more). I am not among their friends...I am their dad. That is different.
     
  8. gloomy-optimist

    gloomy-optimist Used to live here

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    I get along very well with my parents. However, they raised me to be very independent -- I lived away from home for 11 months when I was 15/16, and haven't really been living at home much since. We love each other, but they do their thing and I do mine, and everything works out.
     
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  9. OP
    Blind Bandit

    Blind Bandit Blind Man Being Lead to Nowhere
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    I disagree. You can still have a parental relationship without a huge disconnect between yourself and your parents or children.

    I'm not talking about having your own space. I'm talking about your parents having nothing in common with you and not respecting your view point.
     
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    #9 Blind Bandit, Jan 3, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2010
  10. Ria

    Ria Snow White over the ocean

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    I am both a daughter and a mother of two girls so I have seen both sides. My girls are both quite different, oldest is ENFJ (almost 12) and my youngest is perhaps an INFJ and is 8. I get on better with my youngest because she is an introvert, but with both of them, I can have a deep closeness with lots of good, meaningful worthwhile convorsations. I tend to share with them, long periods of eye contact and warm facial expressions. For them, it is my sense of how they need to feel love and belonging with their mother. I am actually useless at some things such as "play" and I feel guilt for it, but I try very hard to connect with them deeply in my natural state which seems to what they need so that is good.

    My mother is maybe an ESFJ and we have not got on well throughout the years. I found her to be very controling, outwardly anxious, uncentred and deflective. While parenting me (an increadibly private child), she would routinely read through my joural, school books and have weekly meetings with my teachers sharing all her worries ab out me because I would not share with her anything because I knew she couldn't handle it and it would hurt her. My father likely an ISTJ, (he refuses to take the MBTI test because he's disinterested), was basically there in the physical form but in no other way. He gave unasked for advice and critisizm.

    I understood then, that both of them were unable to apreciate me as I was, and were actually fearfull of who I was. That fear stemmed from their own perceptions of me and of the world, rather than from a place of acceptance, it got in the way of unconditional love for their quiet, private yet headstrong independant kid. I know I would have given anything to have family time with them, and having them behave confidently, interested, attentive, relaxed and accepting. Some warm eye contact would have been nice too, but it didn't happen that way, and now I'm ok with that.
    As a parwent now, I take quality time and unconditional love very seriousely, and although I have fears for them in their liv es, I try not to let my fears show through to them, causing them to feel crippled and critiqued, but rather to teach them to be strategic in their lives and in turn, helping me with my own.

    But yea, I was definitely independant from my parents Very early on.
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    #10 Ria, Jan 4, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2010
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  11. Roger

    Roger ...

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    Yes, disconnection from parents is not good thing. They are look like our roof. They can motivate us and plus they had looked after of ourselves when we were just born. I think i have trust issue with my dad. He always pushed me to become genius student and used his anger to force me for study. I refused it and now what i say to him, i don't want his anger and may happen i can ran out from home.

    I have very good relationship with mother. It is not that bitter. Now a days children who got bad treatment during 5-12 yrs(age duration) they will build negative image about their in their mind. So, it is obvious they can move out anytime. Parenting is real critical thing, i guess. I don't know how to do that? I know my mother, she gave me trust and love, so now i am thinking to look after her and love her unconditionally.

    We should try to mend thing with our parents. They had expectations, perhaps some parents are very angry, but this doesn't mean that they don't want bright future for ourselves. Whatever the personality that had, they are gardener of their plant like children.
     
  12. Grey Wolf

    Grey Wolf Airborne all the way!

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    I cant wait to get outta here HAHA
     
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  13. Wyst

    Wyst Are you there?

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    I was homeschooled through high school and have always had a really close relationship with my parents. They are my confidants and best friends with whom I trust everything.

    I have lived across the nation from them - they were in Texas, I was in New York.. then I was in Japan for two years and they were still in Texas.

    Now I live 3 hours away from them. That's just about right for me.
     
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  14. Billy

    Billy Contents Under Pressure
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    I think its a personal thing. I left home at 18 and never went back, my brother who is an E/I NFJ is 25 and he still lives at home. I still see my folks all the time, I go there usually at least once a week to see my mother anyway because she tends to miss me a lot. I was always a pretty well behaved kid when I was home so they always trusted me to do the right thing and they didn't mind when I struck out on my own.

    I cant be around the folks too much tho, especially my mother (ESFJ) She literally drains my soul after a while because she just keeps nagging me on things she thinks I need to do, pop does too, but when I tell him STFU I got this I don't want to hear this anymore he understands and backs off, my mother will just ignore what I am saying and keep going until she literally drives me out the front door and I jump in my SUV and go with her coming as far as the drive way telling me the same shit, and asking me where I am going... its pretty shitty but for my own mental health I literally have to leave.

    She means well, and she cant help herself so I forgive, but usually I have to nip it in the bud when she gets going with a stern "I am not interested in talking about *blah bloah blah* lets change the subject or I have to leave" If I lead with that she is usually fine.
     
    #14 Billy, Jan 5, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2010
  15. WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    I relate very well to this. I don't play well at all, and I feel guilty about it, but I try to always reinforce their self-worth. They seem to both be ENxx's of some sort, and we have these deep bonds despite my aloofness in general. They seem to only want me around them, and that is more than enough for them. I am also very detached from my parents. I know they would do anything for me, but they don't get me. I remember having intense emotional breakdowns at 6 and 7 and they would be at a complete loss. My mother would ignore me and my father would threaten/perform spankings. It's why I don't do either to my children, even when I am in the crappiest mood imaginable.
    Posted via Mobile Device
     
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  16. Emma

    Emma Three

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    I moved out at the age of 15, 1300km away. I grew up with my father. He meant well but he could never give me any comfort or security. And he never understood my feelings. After that I have never been at home for more than a summer.
     
  17. IndigoSensor

    IndigoSensor Product Obtained
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    I could never abandon my mother. We are extremely close, and help each other all the time. She is also an INFJ, and we are extremely similar to each other. We can in effect read each others minds. It can actually get annoying at times because we can't hide anything from each other, lol. Neither of us have any intention of parting ways. Unfortonately there is a huge distance between my school and home, around 2000 miles. My mom wants to move closer to me once I am in grad school since I will be there for 5 years, and then follow me to where I go. She hates moving, but wants to remain close to me, so she will do so. I'd follow her but I can't while I am in school. We learn so much from each other all the time, why would we want to seperate?

    My dad is different. I can't understand him, and he sure as hell can not understand me. He is an ESTJ and we have nearly always been at odds (side note, parents split when I was 4). I was just at his house for a week over winter break, and he still doesn't get me. Nor will he ever. His brain is unable to wrap around my type of thinking, and isn't able to bend in a way so we can truly relate. I am not about to ask him to do this either. I also am not able to do the things that he likes to appease him, and I think he has realised that it is not worth it, nor fair to try to get me to. The second I try to open up, he turns it into an argument. I will disarm it, which angers him further. He also says he totally understands me and that I "will realise what life is like when I am older". He has been telling this to me since I was little, it still hasn't happened. Of course I learned countless things from him, I didn't become like him, which is what he wants. The only reason I am still around him, is for financial reasons. Once this is complete, I will still keep in contact with him. He is my father afterall. He has done great things for me that I highly value. I will just keep a respectible distance, because of our disrelation.

    The thing with me when it comes to leaving family, is I don't see much wrong with it. Why should someone stick with someone who has caused you nearly nothing but pain, just because you're related? That really just makes no logical sense to me. If there is no reason to remain in contact with someone, why do so. I know this is cold, but I will do this with some friends. If me and a friend grow a part, I will let the friendship die. For whatever reason, there are some people whom I have no issue, or emotional attachment with anymore. It will take no effort for me to cut the cord. I think what that comes down to is that I don't have limitless energy to expend to people, and after a certain number of friends I become too strained. I prefer a small circle of close friends, and not much else. Because my energy can only go so far, I have to let go sometimes. I don't see family as some big exception to this either. My parents and grandparents won't be let go of. Some aunt's, uncles, and cousins too. This is largely because I have an enormous history with them. Too many memories hold strong sentimental value. It would be harmful to me, and them to let go.
     
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  18. ENTroP

    ENTroP Community Member

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    I agreee with IS 100%. If you have differences with someone, be they religious, lifestyle, political views etc., fine. If they are unable to let you be who you are and respect your views, then separate. It is the healthiest thing to do.
     
  19. Soulful

    Soulful life is good

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  20. Crow

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    My mother abandoned me.
    Yet when I was ready to emigrate for good,
    she claimed it was my duty to stay and look after her.

    It was like looking at an alien monster.
    I had just nothing to say.
     
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