INFJs, how much do you reveal? | INFJ Forum

INFJs, how much do you reveal?

Discussion in 'Psychology and MBTI' started by Mystic7, Sep 22, 2009.

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  1. Mystic7

    Mystic7 Regular Poster

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    Somebody on another thread brought up the thing of how INFJs can seem very extroverted in a group, but that the people in the group may not really know them.

    I think that's a big thing for INFJs. The number of people who 'really' know me are few and far between. I think that is pretty much a standard thing with INFJs... most people don't possess the equipment that is necessary to read us or know us. Meaning, for example, that we are broadcasting on a frequency that the other person's radio does not pick up. And some people, their radios will never pick up that frequency.

    And there is also something to, if the people cannot read us/know us by themselves, we don't usually reveal what they can't see. The majority of people see the top 40% layer of who I am, and think they know me. But that is just the surface and not what is underneath. It's not what inspires me, what moves me, or what makes me tick.

    There is a word in Japanese (察する, "sassuru") which literally means something like reading minds. It basically means figuring out how another person feels or what another person wants by paying attention to clues. And I think INFJs respect that ability a lot... we have it, and we respect people who can figure us out. If they can't figure us out, then we don't reveal it. lol. Kind of a worthiness thing. lol.

    Also, I have noticed that I will reveal myself to people who are truly interested. If they are sincerely interested I am more likely to reveal myself.

    I was curious as to what you guys think about this... INFJs, how much of yourself do you reveal? And who do you reveal it to? Under what circumstances?
     
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  2. IndigoSensor

    IndigoSensor Product Obtained
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    If I am in a one on one conversation with someone I will reveal a lot of my quirks with someone (under the conditions that I am confortable with this person). In groups I am much more slow with this. As you said though, this is mostly surface stuff, so the depth of it isnt very high. I will discuss deep topics with people once I know them very well, and I trust that they will respond in a respectible way. There are some things though that I will not reveal to anyone though, as they are extremely private.
     
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  3. Raccoon Love

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    lol now I'm really starting to doubt if I'm an INFJ, Everyone talks about how INFJ's appear to be extroverted in a group, or that they can be outgoing at times. This is not true for me as I'm very shy, in all sorts of situtations, with people I know and don't know, and I'm kind of avoidant to the point where people think I might have some ''loner'' tendencies. I'm quite sure of my Ni preference but I will say I have a much higher preference for Fi, I love to help out people and everything but I just can't be very social at all ( I find it very hard) is it possible for an INFJ to have such big preference for I?
     
    #3 Raccoon Love, Sep 22, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2009
  4. OP
    Mystic7

    Mystic7 Regular Poster

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    Introverted

    Yes definitely! Actually most of the INFJs I know are very introverted and are not that social, and actually seem to avoid social situations. The other 'extroverted INFJ' thread though is discussing how there may be some INFJs who are more extroverted.
     
  5. firstjudge

    firstjudge Regular Poster

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    I tend to be more extroverted around other introverts and more introverted around extroverts. Around INFPs I might seem relatively talkative, but put me in a room with ENFPs and I will just turn into a plant.

    I think there are contradictory aspects about my behavior in that I want to express my deepest thoughts but also want to keep them secret. This leads to a lot of swinging back and forth from revealing to concealing.
     
  6. Soulful

    Soulful life is good

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    Yes, this.

    I really enjoyed your articulation of this. The parts I bolded are spot-on for me. Which is most of your post, heh :)

    It's also important for someone to have the awareness that I am choosing and wanting to connect with them and maybe open up, rather than just chatting. It's as though I want that person to be fully present throughout the conversation, and not only by virtue of their attention to me, but as a self-aware individual. I hope that makes sense. I appreciate when someone is attuned and recognizes who I really am in what I am saying. It's a great feeling to truly know a person and be known by them.
     
    #6 Soulful, Sep 22, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2009
  7. gloomy-optimist

    gloomy-optimist Used to live here

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    I never really considered myself a person with secrets. However, I'm definitely exclusive. I keep things to myself until they come up. If someone is interested and open about something, I'll reveal just about anything. If they're not, I don't. And most people don't put that effort into relationships, or they don't even know that they're getting a fraction of what's possible.
     
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  8. Morgain

    Morgain defective wisdom
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    I do it in the exact same way as you described. It is pointless to reveal the dept of my personality to someone who doesn't go deeper than the weather report, to discus the beauty of silence to someone who needs to be in company all the time. So I adjust myself to my audience and reveal just the amount of myself that they can bear, LOL. And most of my acquaintance doesn't go very deep. It is like you say, most of the time I know how much a person can grasp and so far can I go. I simply can not reveal myself to someone who can't understand, even not if I try. In the past, I thought that the problem was mine. How can anyone understand who I am if I doesn't reveal myself? So a lot of times I forced myself to show a piece to someone I thought would understand me, but in the end I always had to admit that they doesn't understand me, like I suspected in the first place.

    when I was younger (in highschool) I was really shy to and I had almost no friends. B"ut when I grew older I discovered that I could be funny or that people actually listened to me when I said something and it I got more and more confortable with talking in groups. Now I guess some people will call me extraverted. I can say a lot in a group but it will always stay a fascade. They don't see the real me, for that they have to dig deeper.

    Yes maybe I have come to the point that I have to admit that it is pointless to desire to be understood by other people. It never happens. And instead of blaming them for it and feeling abanded by them, I should put more effort in trying to understand there emotions. It would be much more usefull!
     
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    #8 Morgain, Sep 22, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2009
  9. Jupa

    Jupa Regular Poster

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    I usually reveal things about myself only to those who I trust and know how they are going to react. I actually agree with everything Mystic7 said in the first post of this thread... I'm not gonna reveal it if a person can't figure it out by themselves. I somehow think that it's not necessary for most people to know what I'm thinking most of the time.

    I might reveal more in a one on one conversation but if I'm with group of people, I usually won't reveal almost anything.
     
  10. Grey Wolf

    Grey Wolf Airborne all the way!

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    I tend to seem extroverted in groups of 5-6 with max of 8. anymore, I'll just shut up. but even in the small groups no one really knows me. only a few people to this day know some parts of me and even those parts are only maybe max 10% of me. only one or two people know more than that about me. I dont like revealing myself too much. in a way 'cos I have some trust issues. cos in a way, some of the people i was really comfortable around turned out to be just using me. and that when i tell people stuff, they never keep it to themselves. I have only seen a couple of people (can count with both hands) who can actually keep their mouth shut but even then, I doubt them. Not cos their not trustworthy, in fact, i consider them a few of the most trustworthy people and thus know the most about me compared to the rest, but its cos of my past experiences with the majority of people.
     
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  11. Nela

    Nela Community Member

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    I think I keep most people at a safe distance. I talk to them, but don't reveal much about myself. And now I'm not only talking about sharing my deepest secrets, but just saying what's on my mind. If I don't feel comfortable, I won't say much. There are people that I've known my whole life that don't know much about me. I will only be able to show my true self if I trust the other person quite a lot. I don't really know what it is that makes me do this. I have to feel some kind a connection, something I can't really define, to open up to other people. Someone being interested is not enough. It usually takes a long time too.
     
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    #11 Nela, Sep 24, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2009
  12. Eniko

    Eniko May snark if provoked
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    Why do others need to understand for you to show who you are? Do it for yourself, because you like who you are, not for the sake of others around you. I've found it's much better that way.
     
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  13. TrevOrTrevor

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    I would open up easier if people asked me interesting questions, but most of the time I find conversation with coworkers or anyone I don't know well to be a little stagnant. I'll contribute to a boring subject of talk, or I may just chuckle at the right moment then casually go on my way.
    If I'm in a group of 2, 3, or 4 I sometimes might get the urge to ask a personal question in a joking way or maybe just straight out, but later on I sometimes wonder if it was the wrong time to ask a question like that.
     
    #13 TrevOrTrevor, Sep 24, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2009
  14. NaeturVindur

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    I will typically answer any and every question as fully as I can and without hesitation. I actually try very hard to not hide anything. For a good portion of my life I felt restrained with either shame or social pressure to keep quiet (keeping closeted). So now I try to do the exact opposite, and do anyway with anything to do with shame. I don't care if its one on one or in a large group. I've even considered being part of a panel of LGBT to answer questions (much like our Ask a Gay thread, but irl), but I had scheduling issues with it. Then again, lately I've been finding I'm not really that introverted. I have similar mental processes of INFJs (think before/rather than acting, prefer a few good friends over lots of aquaintences), but I really don't have the social anxiety stuff. I have the ability to spend an entire week sociallizing without end, then go and spend the entire weekend doing the same. I've even had the feeling of being drained after being alone for a weekend, and went out of my way to have dinner with a bunch of friends.
     
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  15. Grey Wolf

    Grey Wolf Airborne all the way!

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    yeah I get that feeling too. sometimes even in small groups. but i think your explanation is correct. i also think its cos we cut ourselves off too much but the problem for me is, it has become a habit so sometimes i do it unconciously
     
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  16. SeriosityOverflow

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    Haha, very very very true. We have a tendency to REALLY devote ourselves to accommodate another person's needs, and this can cause people to really talk about themselves, because we want them to. But too many people get so caught up in this, they forget about us in the process.

    I tend to leave clues and insinuations in things I say, and "check" if they picked up on it, to see how observant they are. If they don't, they will probably never be able to pick up on what/who I am. For me, subtlety is what makes it fun. I can't just blurt out "THIS IS A JOKE" or "IM HAVING PROBLEMS". In the rare case of a really close friend, who needs and deserves to know when I'm in trouble, I will be direct and say it aloud; but for the most part, it's clues and insinuations. Those who pick up on it will be thoroughly entertained/worried, those who don't, I throw them bigger clues, but some people just do not get it. Hmm... It's kinda like a secret society, except we don't murder world leaders.

    I typically reveal slowly. I get to know someone really quickly by adapting to their needs, playing the role they need me to play. Throughout a casual conversation, I insert little tidbits about me, and I check how the person reacts. Does he/she ignore it completely and talk about himself/herself? Does he/she get massively curious? Does he/she think my thoughts/feelings are foolish? genius? You can really tell a lot about a person based on how they react to such, and whether or not they pick up on it to begin with. Simply put, I reveal myself to people who want to know AND whom I trust, though often I will reveal just based on the first, because it would be rude not to if asked.
     
    #16 SeriosityOverflow, Sep 25, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2009
  17. Indie.J

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    I have a different identity to every person because I am very random in what I reveal and everybody knows a different set of facts about me. It's sort of like a puzzle I guess. If they all came together and pieced together what they each knew about me I'd say that would be about 60% of my identity. The other 40% is for people to figure out, which I'm sure few have touched on, or very private information that I doubt anybody will ever know. Few people can even tell me what my set likes and dislikes are and I hide and down play a lot of my key talents. Not many people in real life would even know I have a passion for music. Most people just see the top level to my personality and doubt there's another 10 or so.
     
  18. Puck

    Puck Perilous Pixie
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  19. Baccal

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    I don't know if the following will make sense or not but I think I am open and reveal a lot but at the same time hold a lot back.

    Maybe the whole superficial deep thing is true but I sometimes wonder if the holding back is for the benefit of me as well as the other person.

    I think I have a fixed level of depth that I gradually immerse people in given my comfort with them. I may appear very open and self disclosing but it is planned or controlled at the same time - I'm not quite sure what I mean when I say this.

    I feel as though some people know me but the same people and many others don't actually KNOW me. I remember I annoyed a close friend of mine once when I said he didn't know me having been a friend for over 4 years. I felt he knew what I told him about myself but he was unable to see beyond this to actually know me whereas based upon the information he had told me I had a strong insightful view of him and the workings of his mind and the effects of his upbringing on who he was now. Not meant to be arrogant although sounds it.

    This is a lot more rambling than I hoped.

    I also agree with the viewpoint that it depends on who you are with and their type - I can feel myself being quite chameleonesque in different situations with different people be it individually or in a group.

    I worry sometimes that my level of control and vigilance of self and other could be used quite manipulatively if I wanted. This is not what I choose though but maybe done subconciouly at times to fit in. I am good at hiding I guess and showing what I want to show.

    God I sound like a control freak!!
     
  20. Azure_Knight

    Azure_Knight Community Member

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    I'm quite reserved, so not a great deal.
     
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