INFJs and feeling like you'll never find love

[gloomy-optimist]

TBH, I've never sensed that sort of pressure or 'obligation,' so for friendly curiosity's sake, I'd like know where and how you get this sort of impression. Or perhaps I'm just not clear on what you mean about acting in "certain ways."

Dating is difficult for me, because I suck at small talk and being interesting and figuring out what to do. Furthermore, the pressure to be "with" someone is not my type of thing -- I want to becoming close to someone through natural interaction, not because we label ourselves as "dating." The label gives the other person a sense that I should be obligated to them...which is fine, but it usually takes a long time before I truly feel that.

That, and that label makes it a lot easier for the other person to be "in love" with me. And that really bugs me...I don't need googly eyes and the smitten lover.

This is much more common in people closer to my age -- teens, maybe early twenties. But I've had this problem in the past when it comes to the dating scene...which is why it wasn't (and still isn't) really my scene.

I take a long time to get a connection with someone. Really, it's almost pointless for me to date until I've known and hung out with the person for up to a year or more. By then, I'm usually friend-listed...or I'm simply not interested.

 

[sassafras]

Dating is difficult for me, because I suck at small talk and being interesting and figuring out what to do. Furthermore, the pressure to be "with" someone is not my type of thing -- I want to becoming close to someone through natural interaction, not because we label ourselves as "dating." The label gives the other person a sense that I should be obligated to them...which is fine, but it usually takes a long time before I truly feel that.

That, and that label makes it a lot easier for the other person to be "in love" with me. And that really bugs me...I don't need googly eyes and the smitten lover.

This is much more common in people closer to my age -- teens, maybe early twenties. But I've had this problem in the past when it comes to the dating scene...which is why it wasn't (and still isn't) really my scene.

I take a long time to get a connection with someone. Really, it's almost pointless for me to date until I've known and hung out with the person for up to a year or more. By then, I'm usually friend-listed...or I'm simply not interested.

That is an incredibly interesting way of looking at it. I've never thought of dating as a label that demands certain formulaic behaviors as expressions of love... but now I see your point, and I applaud you for your insight.

 

[gloomy-optimist]

That is an incredibly interesting way of looking at it. I've never thought of dating as a label that demands certain formulaic behaviors as expressions of love... but now I see your point, and I applaud you for your insight.

I'm not sure many people see it like that, but that's always been the way it's come across to me...course, I have a tendency to attract guys that fall in love much too quickly, and dating seems as if they want to connect with an idealistic version of me -- that's a lot of pressure. I don't like disappointing or hurting people.

It probably makes me look a little stiff, but that's okay.

 

[Altruistic Muse]

I find it all very frustrating. I don't know what world I live in, but my expectations just seem ridiculous. To the point where when I split up with people, they don't even understand the reasons I give. Right away I start thinking could I marry this person, would I find these things annoying about him, does he understand me, does he find my way of looking at things stimulating or irritating, would he a be a good dad, etc etc... Everything has to match and if it doesn't I find I'll try and stop it before it even starts. Tbh though I think I'm scared of love in general, or I intuitively know when things won't work. Because even when I had love I started to give up on it. It feels like I'll never be truly happy and maybe that's something I have to live with. Some people do.

 

[sassafras]

I'm not sure many people see it like that, but that's always been the way it's come across to me...course, I have a tendency to attract guys that fall in love much too quickly, and dating seems as if they want to connect with an idealistic version of me -- that's a lot of pressure. I don't like disappointing or hurting people.

It probably makes me look a little stiff, but that's okay.

It's interesting how, even though we're all INFJ's and generally have the same expectations of lovers as soul mates, we still respond to love and relationships differently.

I've met a lot of people who I was able to connect with deeply and who I felt deeply for as well, but few who I've been able to find a special chemistry that goes beyond the physical that I consider the potential of that soulmate, can't get enough of you, love. If we don't have that spark... well, I've amassed quite a collection of guy friends this way.

I'm trying to pinpoint what that 'spark' exactly is.

 

[gloomy-optimist]

That spark, for me, is usually as simple as a returned expression of caring and interest, in a selfless sort of way (a lot of people fall in love for themselves...especially those who haven't yet truly experienced love)

 

[sedna]

Hmmm...

We don't need all the hububs, bubs!

That being said...sedna, I'm also in my 40s and in that "never been married" bracket, but it's not a huge deal to me. It would be nice if it happened but it's not my focal point - no, I'm not you, and I'm not saying you've made it your focal point and I don't think anyone is accusing you of doing so on this forum...and only you know what's best for you. But in the same way that you're upset with the advice given, being pessimistic towards others' ideas of love and others' successes isn't the way to respond, either. Yes, some are quite young and idealistic. Some are in and out of relationships. Some are cynical about love. But that's what makes us human and unique.

I sympathize with you, I really do. And I hope you find the person who makes you happy in the way you desire. For myself, I thought I found that person but it didn't work out - and now, years later, I can honestly say I'm glad it didn't because I'd be so unhappy right now. I'm very glad where I am. I think I'd be happier if I stayed away from the internet more and published more! Lol! But I feel good. I feel whole. I feel safe and comforted. If someone came into my life now I know I'd have the maturity to accept him, but I'm not sure if I'd want to. *Shrugs.*

See the thing is...I never asked for advice from anyone here. I was simply sharing my experience and felt if anyone wanted to contribute their personal experiences, they would. What I got in return is 'what I should do' 'how I should think' and 'how I should feel.' None of you are qualified to give me advice on the complexities that make me, me. I have dealt with them for many, many, many years, so I think it's quite arrogant for someone to even think they can dole out general, simplistic advice, based on a couple of posts. From my perspective, I found that extremely offensive.

 

[sedna]

My main problem in that field is that I often don't find the same things to be important in a relationship as society tends to.

For me, a relationship is not about always having your arm wrapped around the other person, or always doing things together, especially not because of a sense of obligation. It's about real connection, wanting to do that, and the ability to trust and communicate.

When most people date, a lot of times they don't have that in mind. They have the idea that they are expected to date, and that they should date in so-and-so a way. It's more a thought of, "I want someone to be with" and less, "I really want to connect with THIS person."

That puts a lot of pressure on, along with a sense of obligation to be and act a certain way. As far as I'm concerned, I want a relationship where I have a conscious WANT for a person, rather than an obligation, and the ability to be comfortable to act as I am rather than what I'm expected to be.

It's true. 'Dating' seems like interviewing for a job. I've always hated both. I'm more of a see-a-guy-across-the-room kind of girl, but that rarely happens. Everything about dating is too conventional and boring for me. I need to feel that delightful intangible connection first, before names are exchanged. It's like a blue moon...

 

[Wyst]

eehh? daring got banned? what happened?
amazing that an INFJ could ever get banned for bad behavior.

we are all angels


unless provoked.
usually by an ENTP.

 

[sedna]

I'm at the stage in my life where I'm beginning to watch my peers either marry or become involved in serious relationships. And I feel completely distant from the entire process. These are not things I see myself attaining in the near future, though I don't have a problem attracting interest in general.

Moreover, I'm also seeing the reality of my parents' marriage. And I'm seeing the deterioration of several of our family friends' marriages as their children go off to school and attain independence. The saddest part is that it's not a bad thing for these people, it's a relief.

I believe that romantic love truly comes and lasts for very few. And I believe that few are willing to invest the amount of care and effort it requires to sustain meaningful positive relationships. I think that finding someone with the right dedication who is also a romantic match is exceedingly difficult.

If it happens, peachy. But.

I find that for me, it's important to accept that marriage and such may never happen, but that my life need not be empty because of that. With all of the time and money I would otherwise devote to a family, etc., I can instead work on developing myself, on becoming the best possible form of my being. I can hone my craft and do good works and explore my world and be satisfied in other ways and it will not be a life wasted. It seems a fair trade-off.

My mother finds this attitude deeply cynical (she seems a little shocked by it).

I've always thought the error of the loveless is believing that 'accomplishments' are a reasonable substitute for love.

 

[sedna]

It's interesting how, even though we're all INFJ's and generally have the same expectations of lovers as soul mates, we still respond to love and relationships differently.

I've met a lot of people who I was able to connect with deeply and who I felt deeply for as well, but few who I've been able to find a special chemistry that goes beyond the physical that I consider the potential of that soulmate, can't get enough of you, love. If we don't have that spark... well, I've amassed quite a collection of guy friends this way.

I'm trying to pinpoint what that 'spark' exactly is.

Interesting you should say this. If there is no spark, there is no dating, there is no sex. I'm amazed at an INFJ that can have sex with someone they didn't love.

 

[Ketsugi]

I know that I operate according to what most people say are "old fashioned" and "strict" principals. That's funny, I didn't know that the definition of integrity changes with time.

Since I am not the life of the party or into the "scene," I am seen as boring.

I don't belong to any "group" of people. (Popular, chic, nerdy, metal, emo, gamer, sporty, what have you). Life can be like high school sometimes. I don't fit into a label.

Some INFJs I have met are mopey and play the victim card.

I don't smoke, don't drink, I don't have casual sex, no drugs, etc...

*sigh*

 

[sedna]

I know that I operate according to what most people say are "old fashioned" and "strict" principals. That's funny, I didn't know that the definition of integrity changes with time.

Since I am not the life of the party or into the "scene," I am seen as boring.

I don't belong to any "group" of people. (Popular, chic, nerdy, metal, emo, gamer, sporty, what have you). Life can be like high school sometimes. I don't fit into a label.

Some INFJs I have met are mopey and play the victim card.

I don't smoke, don't drink, I don't have casual sex, no drugs, etc...

*sigh*

There's no shame in that. On sex: In a way, I think folks have it reversed. The more you enjoy sex and really covet an intense sexual experience, the more you're interested in a connection that's right with someone. I think people who throw themselves around, don't feel sexual at all. It's more of a physical release. No sensuality at all there. Kinda like exercising. Plus a guy that's really not in love with you, won't give a damn about pleasing you, so why bother? For sex without an emotional connection, just get a vibrator. That's what they're for.

 

[Ketsugi]

I'm definitely not ashamed and would never change who I am for anyone. I agree what you said about sex, though.

 

[smiffy]

hello! new this forum business. To be honest I think the best approach is not to over think everything even though it can sometimes be hard not to. Im a ENFP, was just wondering in general what type of places do INFJ's hangout? or what activities are best to meet them.

Im a non drinker/smoker. Pretty nice guy I like to think with some flaws like everyone else on this planet

I tend to do volunteer work, Hiking, tennis and gyming.

I tend to think that when Im talking to someone new I think they tend to judge me very quicky( i could be wrong). I come across with a rough unintelligent accent( even though Im quite smart, although my type is people who care about the world?

So to get back on track where do you reckon is daily life/night life is the best place to meet you INFJ people and any tactics I may use?

 

[Ketsugi]

This is not a dating site. Some others might weigh in...

 

[acd]

I am assuming tactics won't work on INFJs. They will see right through it. Just be natural Smiffy. Good luck finding INFJs.

 

[gloomy-optimist]

Well, if you were around here, I'd just give you my number

But since that isn't the case...I'd try libraries, caf

 

[smiffy]

haha thanks, yeah the word tactics was a bit out of place! I was more into finding out info on where to socialise. im quite good at getting on with people. But finding people on the same level is tough,

I didnt think there was an easy answer.haha thanks. Just here for advice though.

Thanks think I got something from it anyhows

 

[SaintElmo]

I know that I operate according to what most people say are "old fashioned" and "strict" principals. That's funny, I didn't know that the definition of integrity changes with time.

Since I am not the life of the party or into the "scene," I am seen as boring.

I don't belong to any "group" of people. (Popular, chic, nerdy, metal, emo, gamer, sporty, what have you). Life can be like high school sometimes. I don't fit into a label.

Some INFJs I have met are mopey and play the victim card.

I don't smoke, don't drink, I don't have casual sex, no drugs, etc...

*sigh*

Wow....sounds just like me!!! Im not really into the whole club thing....or bars....not a drinker...or smoker..n to be honest i wish i was into casual sex....but im sure id just regret it hahaha... yet with all those "shortcomings"..the ladies still looooove me .....i just cant seem to find one deep enough for my liking