INFJs and feeling like you'll never find love

[TSB]

I don't believe that I sulk, but. I do believe that I look at things different than you. I look for the truth in people. Just tell the truth...how hard its that?

 

[analyst]

As an INFJ, I 100% agree with the two points made below:

• I'm afraid/unable to express what I really want - usually because I'm afraid of losing a good friend
• Sometimes I think I'm too 'heavy' for a lot of girls. Like you'd have to be masochistic to take me on. A lot of my qualities are ones that can't be seen in one meeting, but you would appreciate over time, by then they've already moved on.

 

[Wyst]

Wow - this thread is still going.



I'm still single.

 

[LORDCOSMOS]

I can absolutely identify with this mindset of relationship fatalism.

I'm 25, and I can't think of ONE relationship I've had that went well in the long run.

I think its our tendency to get highly emotionally invested very fast. Not good.

I think we also have a tendency to be truly attracted to a very small subset of the population. Usually this subset has better looking, more well adjusted people to date, rather than hang out with Cpt. Sulkfest INFJ.

I feel like we also have a tendency to get bored with people that don't appreciate or challenge us intellectually speaking. This further limits the subset of potential dates.

The tendency towards hermetism, being a curmudgeon also adds to this injury.

I do think its somewhat the self-fofilling prophecy for me. With each failed relationship, the next potential one gets enormously harder.

I'm so bad that i'm pretty fully convinced I ought not to try and meet someone who might be right for me. But, out of a dumb perseverance, I press on. Not that I have a shread of faith I'll meet someone good for me.

But sometimes, you gotta just reject the negative ideas you sow inside your own head.

 

[Wyst]

I do think its somewhat the self-fofilling prophecy for me.

Agreed. After a while - you end up failing before you try or sabotaging yourself before it doesn't work out because you're afraid it WILL fail. "If I'm going to fail, I'm going to fail on my terms."

We'll see how my next attempt goes. Just got a coffee date set up for Tuesday night. First date in... 6 years.

 

[theeggman85]

Bump from hell, yes. But I really feel like this is an important topic, at least for me.

Besides this element discussed here, I am very proud to be an INFJ. Not only are we the rarest type, but we are very considerate about others, which I think is the most important thing in the world.

I read through a lot of these posts, and I am pretty much everything combined. I feel like INFJ was basically named after me; it just describes me perfectly.

Wyst[/URL]]- general hermit douchebaggery
- I'm afraid/unable to express what I really want - usually because I'm afraid of losing a good friend
- when I do get into the beginning stages of a relationship, I quickly get critical of the person, thinking, "wait... this isn't what I imagined".. I once sabotaged a relationship this way.
- I've got an insatiable desire to be understood fully, accepted non-conditionally, and appreciated deeply. I have never met anyone that has been able to do more than 1 of these things

Bolded one is especially how I feel about all this. That one is really what seals the deal. More stuff I found very applicable:

I feel sometimes that if I mastered relationships I really would be sorted. It's the biggest point of contention in my life. I try to make up for it by excelling in other areas and burying the feelings in hard work but the hole is still there and I'll never really be happy until it's filled.

Sometimes I think I'm too 'heavy' for a lot of girls. Like you'd have to be masochistic to take me on. A lot of my qualities are ones that can't be seen in one meeting, but you would appreciate over time, by then they've already moved on.

It pisses me off also how hard I feel things, while other people can flutter between events and people without an emotional trail, if you know what I mean.

I mean, for fucks sake, we're just people right? People are meant to be together and understand each other, but somehow it feels like this gap I'll never be able to bridge.

Man this is so true. I feel things and feel for people for a long amount of time. It takes me a while to get attached to someone, but once I do, I find it hard to part with them. This goes for both friends and potential lovers.

I don't know about other INFJs, but I'm really paranoid about coming on too strong. Like, if I had a choice I'd be texting them all the time and be next to them as much as possible. But I wait a loooong time before doing that, and I have to have signals from the other person that this is okay and that they actually care about me in return.

YES. I am extremely paranoid about coming on too strong. As a result, it tends to get me nowhere really fast.

Also, someone posted something about when they're starting to like someone, they quickly get overly-critical of the person and end up ruining it for themselves. I am a huge victim of that, halting the process before it even really begins.
I also, like an INFJ, tend to hide my INFJ traits. I am not sure why I do, since the caring about people thing is something that everyone would like. I just can't mentally bring myself to outwardly show love, and I am trying to fix that. It just seems rediculous that caring people like us would have such a hard time finding someone, and right now I am rediculously frustrated. It's not that I hate myself or anything, I just take the INFJ trait of never reveling in my own accomplishments and continually striving to perfect myself.

Anyway, I definitely share your sentiments Wyst, and good luck to you if you haven't found someone in the last year that this thread has been sitting on the bottom of nowhere

 

[Sesquipedalian]

I haven't read anything but the first few posts. You all talked about changing. Here is a suggestion: Open up a bit. Strive to verbalize your thoughts and feelings a bit more. Being so incredibly internal makes you hard to read. You can make people who like you think you don't like them by the way you seem to withhold all but a choice few words and insights about yourself. In an odd way, it's an attractive feature. People like being in a relationship that is exclusive, even if it's not a romantic one. Knowing you share something special with the other person is a precious thing. I'm not saying wear your heart on your sleeve or bare your every private thought, just try to be more open so you don't miss out on connecting with kindred spirits. When I meet an INFJ or INFP I usually know pretty quickly and am eager to get to know them because of all they have to offer. Them actually LETTING me get to know them is another matter entirely.

 

[theeggman85]

Yeah, it's very true. I have some great friends from high school that I can confide anything in, and I still talk to them about things. They are extremely helpful to us INFJ's.

 

[canyank]

Very well said. The "sulk" part of a typical INFJ seems to be very prominent. Often ex's of mine have said something along the lines of "...you're great, but your moody and sulk too much..."...I don't feel like I am that type of person but enough ex's have said it to make me really analyze and be acutely aware of it.

I know, I'm 3 years too late on this site .
L.

 

[passionista]

I couldn't relate more to this post, especially last night! So, definitely read some valuable comments made by TheDaringHatTrick. Taking a break from relationships and love to work on yourself and just have fun. Honestly, when you (I) have more fun, life is so much more enjoyable and as cliche as it sounds, the right person does end up coming along when the time is right. Stay positive, focus on the positive, and above all else, love yourself and every single thing that makes you happy in your life.

Similar to so many of you, if not all of you(!) in this thread, I have a tendency to focus on the negatives and get into EXTREME slumps - especially at night during those times I am feeling particularly lonely and just want to feel physical or emotional affection. Just like TheDaringHatTrick suggested, pick up the phone, go on the internet and Skype someone... anything to connect with a great friend... especially one who is light-hearted, doesn't judge you and can just pick you up and make you laugh!!