INFJs and feeling like you'll never find love | INFJ Forum

INFJs and feeling like you'll never find love

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Wyst, Jul 1, 2009.

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  1. Wyst

    Wyst Are you there?

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    I don't know if anyone has ever felt like this before - but I find myself there a lot. It seems like there's a couple of things working against me:

    - general hermit douchebaggery
    - I'm afraid/unable to express what I really want - usually because I'm afraid of losing a good friend
    - when I do get into the beginning stages of a relationship, I quickly get critical of the person, thinking, "wait... this isn't what I imagined".. I once sabotaged a relationship this way.
    - I've got an insatiable desire to be understood fully, accepted non-conditionally, and appreciated deeply. I have never met anyone that has been able to do more than 1 of these things
    - thinking like this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy
    - I'm short



    I'm just curious if anyone else out there sometimes (not all the time) feels hopeless about finding love. That somehow whatever it is that makes you you also dealt you the suckiest hand life could ever offer you in the game of love.

    It's not fair!! :m140:
     
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  2. Jasmine

    Jasmine Regular Poster

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    I don't think I can love, simply because I have no heart:m071:



    Plus I have high standards.


    P.S. Short guys are hot, tall guys are just too damn tall!
     
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  3. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    your height?
     
  4. OP
    Wyst

    Wyst Are you there?

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    I'm 5'5"
     
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  5. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    I'm too tall.
     
  6. sassafras

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    I think INFJ's do have a tendency to sulk. Our outlook on life isn't often seen as compatible with the rest of the world, and a lot of us are looking for understanding; somebody to get us, to complete us. I know things started to shift for me when I started looking at this a little differently. Instead of focusing on not finding anyone, I thought about the ways I could be the best that I could be for the right person when we finally run into one another.

    I think as time goes on, the more people you meet and the more insight you get into the world and how people live in it, you eventually start to look at things differently. You examine yourself and your place within the world, and you'll notice that things aren't so bad as you initially thought they were.

    But yes, I have been where you are before, and I distinctly remember what it felt like. Just keep in mind that things will turn around when you give them a chance to.

    Cheers.
     
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  7. OP
    Wyst

    Wyst Are you there?

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    That's sorta what I'm trying to get at within this thread. Do some INFJs have such ridiculous standards because some of us are idealists who live in a fantasy word in our minds??

    Lol. Thanks, I think.
     
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    #7 Wyst, Jul 1, 2009
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2009
  8. sassafras

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    That doesn't necessarily mean we can't work on that. If you believe that your "ridiculous standards" are interfering with your quality of life, it is entirely possible to change that.

    I think the whole idea of MBTI is to gauge what our tendencies are, not to define who we are. We can work on changing certain personality traits if they bother us.
     
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  9. Orion

    Orion Strength through understanding
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    Dude, I have felt this my entire life, you're not alone. It hurts so badly when you DO come close to having a relationship, but then it just slips away, like desperately trying to keep water in your palms.

    I feel sometimes that if I mastered relationships I really would be sorted. It's the biggest point of contention in my life. I try to make up for it by excelling in other areas and burying the feelings in hard work but the hole is still there and I'll never really be happy until it's filled.

    Sometimes I think I'm too 'heavy' for a lot of girls. Like you'd have to be masochistic to take me on. A lot of my qualities are ones that can't be seen in one meeting, but you would appreciate over time, by then they've already moved on.

    It pisses me off also how hard I feel things, while other people can flutter between events and people without an emotional trail, if you know what I mean.

    I mean, for fucks sake, we're just people right? People are meant to be together and understand each other, but somehow it feels like this gap I'll never be able to bridge.

    Having said all that, I do feel with every attempt and every person that comes and goes, I'm getting better at the whole thing.
     
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  10. OP
    Wyst

    Wyst Are you there?

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    We're actually thinking along the same lines. I've been working on this (on myself) for coming up on a year. I haven't quite found 'love' yet. But I've made a LOT of really good friends and I'm the happiest I've been in over 10 years.

    I've tried talking about this with other INFJs over on TypeC but many of them cling to, "But this is what makes me uniquely INFJ! You can't tell an INFJ to stop acting introverted..." and the discussion gets sabotaged pretty quickly.

    Nice to know there is at least one open-minded INFJ here :m177:
     
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  11. Jana

    Jana Searching...

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    Well - to be open-minded is good. I am trying, but it's useless untill I stop to love one person. How? I still don't know how to do that?
     
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  12. sassafras

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    Sounds like you have a lot to be thankful for, then.

    I know from my experience that when I focus on being 'alone' or not being able to find love or happiness or whatever downer thinking is corroding my thoughts at the time, I find that I just end up gathering more evidence about myself that is negative. This leads me to negative conclusions, and then I bring those conclusions with me wherever I go, and I don't notice the possibilities I could be acting on because I'm preoccupied with all the all the flaws and possible excuses I have for not being my personal best.

    But if I'm happy, if I'm really appreciating who and what I've got in my life, I end up inviting more positive experiences into my life.

    If you're feeling lonely, like you were the other day, you should just call up one of your buddies and go out together or have a nice chat on the phone. Gravitate to what's going right in your life, and more of it will come your way.

    Yes, that would definitely irk me. I believe human personality is fluid. We're living in a world that changes every day, and we're taking in different experiences. I understand the need to try and cling to something 'familiar,' but if nature taught us anything, the most successful creatures are those that adapt.

    If something isn't working, adopt a strategy that will change it.


    Thank you :)
     
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  13. sassafras

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    It's hard, I'm in the same boat. Just know that while it might take some time, it will eventually pass.

    It's cliche, but honestly, just get busy and see other people, do other things, focus your mind on something else. And if you're still talking to the person, see if you can severe contact, just for a little while. Out of sight, out of mind.
     
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  14. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    Yup. Her name is Silently Honest.
     
  15. Jana

    Jana Searching...

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    It always passes, but every time I think: Not again... And it's always harder, more complex than the lasts time. It last longer and it's deeper with my years.

    Not again...:)
     
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  16. Silently Honest

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    Kill a wild beast, wear it's skin to the area of gathering, use skin to court females. If someone shows up with a better skin then you, assert dominence by slaying that man taking his skin, and his land. If he has wife you will by default have her as well.

    She will cook and clean, and keep your drinking horn full, and she will be a good wife.
     
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  17. Wyote

    Wyote S.V. Wyoyo
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    Women with height limit standards are bitches. Men with height standards are pricks.

    I have CRAZY high emotional standards. They're only met with continuous communication and a partner willing to listen. The sooner you get rid of delusions about a "perfect" relationship the better. Nothing is perfect, but things will work once you find somebody willing to participate on equal grounds in all matters. A tough thing to find for sure, but people like that do exist.

    People are always sort of a "work in progress," as I am sure most think of themselves this way, so should you think of your partner. Some things are forgivable, some things are not. As long as the limits are clear things should run smoothly.
     
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    #17 Wyote, Jul 2, 2009
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2009
  18. sassafras

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    Most definitely, but they can be a little difficult to find sometimes. Just stay optimistic.
     
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  19. slant

    slant Roll with the punches
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    Love simply doesn't exist.

    It's a matter of attraction and tolerance.

    If the good outweights the bad, that's mostly what people get stuck with. This fairytale 'Prince Charming' or likewise 'FLY BITCHES' is a waste of time. Don't look for love, look for common interests and hot bods.
     
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  20. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    There's something wrong with me that I think this simple life is a good one.
     
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