INFJ = Emotional Black Holes?
- Thread starter Exodus
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I regret letting myself become so vulnerable to certain people. I'm learning who I can be open around.
- Nov 12, 2008
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- MBTI
- INFJ
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- 1w2 sx/so/sp
your guess is accurate, but it describes a picture of less mature INFJ I think. That's how I behaved 10 years ago, I'm much more in tune with myself now and able to express what I feel. And happier because of that.
That's not a wise strategy at all, trust me. It will create far worse problems for you in the long run than just feeling hurt.
I know that feeling, it's not weird
It can be really disturbing trying to maintain control all the time. A time will come when you will be willing to take the gamble and give up the control. The outcome will make you a wiser and better person.That's an incorrect assumption
I also use data and logical thinking quite heavily.It's a matter of priorities: INFJ reasoning is more influenced by emotions, because they place greater importance on it. I prefer the thought outcome to be congruent with my feelings.
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Unless I feel very safe with this person the emotions are on hold. I can say "I like you too" and mean it to some extent but I'm actually holding back, it's too risky otherwise for a lot of reasons. When he or she said they like me, my brain had to start sorting through all the data. Is he? Should I? What next? Do I? On and on. At the same time my brain is going over this list from an emotional perspective. I'm not really aware that all that stuff is going on in my head because it's natural for me.
From the time I was little I've known I was different from most people and that unless I sort responses carefully before speaking, it's very easy for people to misunderstand me. It's not unusual for me to misunderstand others if I don't take a moment, which can result in embarrassment. Embarrassment feels like God just threw a spotlight on you for everyone to watch....not good for sensitive people. I work with the public and occasionally I get a real butt-head, I can get mad and let them know it but that is also risky. Confrontation is very uncomfortable. I'm so empathic that the opposite is very unnatural.
I have very deep running emotions. One of the reasons I don't express them is because a) I can't and b) I don't want them to be taken for granted or brushed aside. In many situations, my emotions feel as if they would be too heavy or too self-centered, so I prefer keeping them to myself. With a select few people, though, I can express a bit of them, but it's not exactly a single expression -- it's more like a seeping of emotions, and sometimes it's a bit intense.
To actually express all of them, though, would be totally out of control. It just doesn't work.
Course, the downside to all of this is that pressure-cooker thing; if there's no release for a long time, I begin to get physical issues (sickness, mostly), and then finally I just release it all inappropriately
To actually express all of them, though, would be totally out of control. It just doesn't work.
Course, the downside to all of this is that pressure-cooker thing; if there's no release for a long time, I begin to get physical issues (sickness, mostly), and then finally I just release it all inappropriately
Regarding the circumstances and experiences which caused me to restort to this form for self preservation, I'd have to say it works great for me, and it's been over 10 years since I made that decision.
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This is so true. Huge misunderstandings can result or others can just throw up their hands on the matter, leaving you even more upset. sometimes our own emotions influence our judgements and misguide us.
My last misunderstanding with my BF involved my :
My BF, because of the business he was trying to start, became deeply in debt and had to close the business. I was often lending him money, which he paid back when he could but he owed me several thousand dollars. Luckily, he came into a substantial sum, enough to pay off all his debts and to pay me back. My BF told me one day that, out of gratitude, he wanted to take me on a cruise, to make all the plans and book the tickets. We had wanted to invite his brother w/wife to come with us but they told us they couldn't, twice. On the evening I was ready to finalize the whole thing I asked him to invite them one more time. Suddenly, the brother/wife wanted us to join them on a cruise, with friends of theirs. I didn't want to fly the extra hours, mingle with a crowd of people, do what they wanted to do, etc. I said no. My BF and I had a huge fight about it which resulted in my BF saying to me "Let me remind you who is paying for your ticket". I was so crushed! After an hour or so I told him fine, just let me know when we're going and I'll show up. In the end, the brother/wife backed out. I spent a lot of soul searching trying to figure out why I had been so upset. Ultimately I realized it was because I had felt that my BF was presenting the cruise to me as a gift. In truth it sort of was, but I realized my BF had wanted to take me on a cruise with 'him' and was springing for the ticket. When I tried to explain how I had misunderstood, he had no clue what the difference was, it was a gift either way, it didn't make sense to him. If I had realized I was getting a free trip to accompany him, I would have been willing to change plans although I still would have been a little miffed at his brother and controlling wife.
My BF and I had a great time on our cruise.
When I was little, I would always be opened about my emotions. When I started to attend middle school, I became what seemed to other's as emotionless; with small outbursts from time to time (I realized I was mimicking those closest to me, whom where ESTJ, ENTJ, ISTJ, and some various types; the “SF” I knew kept their emotions hidden for a long time). When I transferred to my second high school, I found other's who were more emotional open (ENFP, ENFJ, INFP). Slowly, I was letting my guard down, after I left high school, I had become very emotionally attached to a friend (INFP); I let my guard almost completely down (like being at the last gate before you reached the castle doors), anything she asked for I gave in. Within 4 months, my feelings ran so deep for her I "fell in love" with her on a psychological level (I mean I didn’t have the s3xual desire for her, as she thought I did…); she blew them off as if they were telemarketers trying to get in touch with her or something. Like “potato left too long in a microwave” I blew, I let out almost every negative emotion I could (after I had a day or two to form it into words), and sometimes I would even play psychological games with her so that she’d (hopefully, but didn’t) feel how much she hurt me, which were spontaneous outbursts. I was constantly feeling some of the emotions she was feeling, which took its toll on me, but she never verbally or through written words explained to me how she really felt, which devastated me, especially since she had told me that she understood what I was trying to convey to her. After all those events, no one new has been allowed that close in range; my best friend for 8 years (ESFP) hasn’t come close to it. I guess, it’s the feeling of being open then taken lightly and not being recognized for the emotional investment that keeps the emotions in. Even now, I talk to the girl and she still has somewhat of a dominate presence within “the castle” walls, even though (and hate to do it) I have to come up with some LIES (out of all things) to try to remove her. I think, showing a lack of emotions can act as a barrier to prevent others from wanting to get in a cause a ruckus; the colder the better sometimes. (I think I started rambling *-* ) 
in my case is because I overanalyze things, so I think of all of the consequences of my words and actions before I execute them (and because I'm a natural pessimism I imagine all the bad things that could happen out of it). also, I don't know how to express exactly how I feel, and I don't know exactly how people would react to it (I think it partly has to do with me being a manipulator. I want to control people's reactions most of the times), so I end up not expressing anything (I kind of think "well, if I don't know how to express exactly what I feel, then I will not express myself at all")
oh, also, I feel like emotions are an important part of me. If I let them out I will be vulnerable. people will steal a part of me, then I will cease to exist as an individual, and will be known and people will take advantage of me.
oh, also, I feel like emotions are an important part of me. If I let them out I will be vulnerable. people will steal a part of me, then I will cease to exist as an individual, and will be known and people will take advantage of me.
Same here.
Emotions for me... it's like being on the outside of a room, knowing what's inside. Kinda like a boss battle in an RPG!
Once you've played a game long enough and then see a save point, you get this feeling, "Maybe I should level up some more before going on" or "Now would be a good time to save". That's kind of how I approach opening up the can of worms that are my emotions. I have to be prepared to deal with it because I can't just let my emotions out and then be like, "Ah, much better. So what's for lunch?". Because my emotions are such a huge part of how I make decisions and because I care too much about what others think about me, I have spent a lot of time sectioning off how I feel from how I make decisions. Many times I've made emotional decisions and it has not gone well for me. I'm still trying to figure out how to negotiate a healthy balance.
I think for a long time I've leaned too far on the self-preservation side of things and I've closed people off from who I really am. Once I start getting comfortable with people, I'll let them in a little closer, show more of my personality to them, and they're like, "Man.. you're acting different then you usually do, what's going on?"... a sad reminder that as well as I know them, they still really don't have a good idea of who I am yet.
As I think about how to swing back and find the middle of this road, I just have to be careful not to open up pandora's box on my heart. I need like a chain lock for my heart... like the ones in hotel rooms. That way I could open up to my emotions a little more, and yet it would be a controlled action that wouldn't end up with the door being thrown open.
I'm often not aware of these so-called walls until I express myself and someone close to me says you were feeling that? as if it were totally unreaonable that I hadn't shared those feelings. I am naturally quite analytical (I was drawn to philosophy, economics and law in school and have degrees in each). I am also intensely emotional, though I find my emotions to be more difficult to analyze than, say, a Supreme Court case I want to be sure of my feelings before expressing them and sometimes that takes some time. For example, when my b/f said he loved me and always would for the first time, it took me several weeks to respond. Love, at least to me, is a complex and often confusing emotion and I refused to do him the injustice of saying I loved him until I'd analyzed all aspects of my feelings for him. Fortunately for me, he's a patient, confident and intuitive man. Once I had determined how I felt about him, I found it not at all difficult to express my feelings and give myself wholeheartedly.
You know, I actually used to not even think of myself as an emotional person. I didn't even really express emotions to myself -- I know now that I feel emotions very deeply and am an emotional person, but I'm very controlled, very careful, and very steadfast...
Is that common for INFJs? To be "emotional" but not so at the same time?
Is that common for INFJs? To be "emotional" but not so at the same time?
Yeah.. but at some point you must run the risk of getting hurt. For many years I obstinately waited for the painless relationship that would 'just work out'. Each time I still got hurt, or I hurt the girl.
It's like Capt. Spears said in Band of Brothers, 'The sooner you accept this, the quicker you'll be able to function...'. I think the same goes, at least for me, I'll finally be able to be vulnerable with people when I stop being afraid of being hurt by them. I should just accept it because it's going to happen.
I'm totally not suggesting that we should do things on whims though. They should always be weighed by a nice bit of common-sense and rational thinking.
You bet it is. I withdraw emotionally ALL the time.
I may not be externally emotional with someone, but my withdrawing is internally emotional.
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I recognize this. I'm a deeply emotional person but I'm also very controlled and I can take a lot before I crack. So in some ways I am imminently stable compared to others who - despite being less emotional - have less of a capacity for control in this area.