[INFJ] I don't want people to vacation in my house anymore

[sapphiresky]

I identify as an INFJ. I am a very private person who enjoys having my own space and living in Florida doesn't help with that situation since our family/friends live very far away. Many of them feel entitled to stay in our homes every year.

Years ago I was sort of ok with that since I was a full-time worker and had no children. But now that I am a stay-at-home mom with a toddler I need my privacy.

When we were house shopping I had an idea in mind, that I wanted a house that was easy to clean and maintain. My mother-in-law was pushing us to buy a home with an in-law suite and that just made the decision of buying a small 1-story home easier. I don't like to send a message to the universe that we have a Floridian Airbnb for everyone to use.

We have 3 rooms, the guestroom was taken by the baby, and the other room now is an office where my husband now works permanently. We were not expecting that change but the pandemic made that happen. I sometimes worry about where we are going to put a 2nd child of a different gender if we decide to have another one. I am pretty sure our in-laws are not going to be happy if the 2nd child takes the office, and my husband puts an office desk in our master bedroom, and they stay in the living room.

My husband still keeps in touch with his college roommates, who live in the North and they expect that they have to stay at home, especially one in particular who is like a brother to him. Last year that stopped and he had to get a hotel which pissed him off the entire time he was here and that aggravated me. Then there was this married couple (husband's friends as well) who I let stay, just because they send us baby shower gifts and I was going to feel like an asshole telling them, no, but I told my husband that was their last stay.

We agreed that the only people I can tolerate staying are our in-laws and parents. One of his siblings is always hinting that they want to stay in the future, and I don't want them here. They are problematic and they are a family of 5. How are they going to fit in this house?

I am also worried that after my mother-in-law retires they are going to be at home more frequently. It's already happening this year when they are already planning to come during spring break AND July. They have been talking about this for a long time and they still don't have dates set which boils my blood because my life doesn't revolve around them. I have things to do too and my own family wants to visit as well.

The in-laws sometimes ask me if we want them to stay in a hotel. It's an AWKWARD question. I don't want to be the one saying YES please do. I let them stay in my house because we stay in theirs when is our turn to visit but having them in our home is a pain in the ass, because of cultural differences and personality clashes. They are forever Trumpsters/Rednecks and are always bringing politics and religion to the conversation and they are not that helpful in the house and with the baby. They just come to be entertained for a Floridian vacay.

Is it normal to not want guests anymore? Am I being rude?

 

[Cornerstone]

It might sound cliché but 'be the change you wish to see in others'.

Do not stay at anyone's house if you don't want to return the favour.

As for the more pressured things like in-laws, I don't know... that's really hard.

There's no obvious solution to my mind.

The best I can think of is asking them to set dates well in advance so you can prepare yourself for it. It's easy to think you dislike people when it's actually disliking the anxiety that comes with unexpectedness. A lot to people won't understand that but you might be surprised that many people do. It's not an alien feeling to be stressed out by unexpected guests.

 

[sapphiresky]

It might sound cliché but 'be the change you wish to see in others'.

Do not stay at anyone's house if you don't want to return the favour.

As for the more pressured things like in-laws, I don't know... that's really hard.

There's no obvious solution to my mind.

The best I can think of is asking them to set dates well in advance so you can prepare yourself for it. It's easy to think you dislike people when it's actually disliking the anxiety that comes with unexpectedness. A lot to people won't understand that but you might be surprised that many people do. It's not an alien feeling to be stressed out by unexpected guests.

Actually, I started to break that pattern last year during the Christmas holidays because it's what makes sense. The married couple that stayed in our home last summer tried to set up an arrangement with us, telling us that we can stay in their home every year too for the holidays, but we didn't do it. Because I knew that was going to open a can of worms. We just spent more days at the in-law's house which worked out.

I think is pretty weird to do that as I don't know these people well either. The wife of my husband's friend never tries to stay in touch with me. I texted her once to see how she was doing but she never reaches out to me. I think they are just using us to have a place to stay for the summer. It's weird to have someone to stay in your home once and you never hear from that person ever again until the next time they want to come down.

Having visitors does give me stress and anxiety, especially now when I also have to take care of a child.

 

[Cornerstone]

Well, yeah, it's Florida. I love rollercoasters, alligators, and meth. Can I come and stay?

Of course the answer is no.

You've got the pickup truck of homes. You might have to be disliked. Chances are you are being used. I'm really sorry but why do you or your husband/partner like these people... because you know them?

 

[sapphiresky]

I have been resenting living in Florida to tell you the truth. I rather move to a boring state than be here sometimes.

My husband was homeschooled and he didn't make any friends until college. His college roomies have been his besties for many years. I am ok with that. It's good for his mental health to keep in touch with them. But my husband and some of his friends cannot let go of the "college phase".

I had a 3-hour argument with my husband yesterday because he said "Since you don't like my other friend, and don't want him to be at home then I can plan a vacation trip with him". That pissed me off SO BAD. I have been a depressed stay-at-home mom since the pandemic hit. I have no time for myself, and he wants to vacation with his single buddy. I told him that if he is going to do that I am going to stay an entire month in Puerto Rico with my parents (that's where I am from).

That other friend of his and I don't get along that well. I have let him stay in our home for around 6 years straight, even when we were living in a tiny apartment he crashed in our living room. When I and my husband were dating, he went on a road trip with all of his buddies, and it was during a stressful time when I had an unreliable car and needed help, but I still allowed him to have fun.

Last summer his "bro" did stay in a hotel, but he was still in my house every day! To the point where he brought a gaming computer with all the equipment and placed it on my kitchen table. I have a 78x42 inch table and his equipment took my whole table. He sat there and gamed for HOURS! Where the fuck does he thinks me and my toddler were going to eat? My house is not a video game arcade. It's my HOME. I kicked his friend out that day, and he made a big drama over it saying he was being exiled from our home.

I told my husband that he can come to our house, but for a short time and not every single day! These are grown men in their mid 30's almost turning 40.

Then at the end of the day, my husband treats me like his neurotic Puerto Rican wife.

I sometimes regret getting married. I am not going to lie to you. I even have doubts about having another child. Some things just don't seem right to me.

 

[Sloe Djinn]

I identify as an INFJ. I am a very private person who enjoys having my own space and living in Florida doesn't help with that situation since our family/friends live very far away. Many of them feel entitled to stay in our homes every year.

Years ago I was sort of ok with that since I was a full-time worker and had no children. But now that I am a stay-at-home mom with a toddler I need my privacy.

When we were house shopping I had an idea in mind, that I wanted a house that was easy to clean and maintain. My mother-in-law was pushing us to buy a home with an in-law suite and that just made the decision of buying a small 1-story home easier. I don't like to send a message to the universe that we have a Floridian Airbnb for everyone to use.

We have 3 rooms, the guestroom was taken by the baby, and the other room now is an office where my husband now works permanently. We were not expecting that change but the pandemic made that happen. I sometimes worry about where we are going to put a 2nd child of a different gender if we decide to have another one. I am pretty sure our in-laws are not going to be happy if the 2nd child takes the office, and my husband puts an office desk in our master bedroom, and they stay in the living room.

My husband still keeps in touch with his college roommates, who live in the North and they expect that they have to stay at home, especially one in particular who is like a brother to him. Last year that stopped and he had to get a hotel which pissed him off the entire time he was here and that aggravated me. Then there was this married couple (husband's friends as well) who I let stay, just because they send us baby shower gifts and I was going to feel like an asshole telling them, no, but I told my husband that was their last stay.

We agreed that the only people I can tolerate staying are our in-laws and parents. One of his siblings is always hinting that they want to stay in the future, and I don't want them here. They are problematic and they are a family of 5. How are they going to fit in this house?

I am also worried that after my mother-in-law retires they are going to be at home more frequently. It's already happening this year when they are already planning to come during spring break AND July. They have been talking about this for a long time and they still don't have dates set which boils my blood because my life doesn't revolve around them. I have things to do too and my own family wants to visit as well.

The in-laws sometimes ask me if we want them to stay in a hotel. It's an AWKWARD question. I don't want to be the one saying YES please do. I let them stay in my house because we stay in theirs when is our turn to visit but having them in our home is a pain in the ass, because of cultural differences and personality clashes. They are forever Trumpsters/Rednecks and are always bringing politics and religion to the conversation and they are not that helpful in the house and with the baby. They just come to be entertained for a Floridian vacay.

Is it normal to not want guests anymore? Am I being rude?

It sounds like being an introvert and a stay-at-home parent, your world is pretty small and that it gets overwhelming to have it "invaded" by guests. It sounds like a bigger house would be the answer, but "just be richer" is probably not an option. I have a few questions:

1) Is there anything that would make it manageable to have guests in your current house?
2) If not, what kind of place or house would be ideal?
3) What kind of ground rules would you want to set for guests in general?
4) What would you guys think about selling and moving somewhere that you could afford a more spacious house?

 

[sapphiresky]

It sounds like being an introvert and a stay-at-home parent, your world is pretty small and that it gets overwhelming to have it "invaded" by guests. It sounds like a bigger house would be the answer, but "just be richer" is probably not an option. I have a few questions:

1) Is there anything that would make it manageable to have guests in your current house?
2) If not, what kind of place or house would be ideal?
3) What kind of ground rules would you want to set for guests in general?
4) What would you guys think about selling and moving somewhere that you could afford a more spacious house?

The thing is that I don't want any guests, except for my parents and his parents, ONLY because they are our parents and now that we have a daughter we want them to have a relationship with her. I just don't want to deal with anybody else really. I think I have been very accomodating to all of these people and now I am ready to move on with my life. I want my privacy.

If I do move to another house it's if we decide to have another child, and that child turns out to be a boy. The extra room will only be used as an office or craft room, and a guestroom for parents/inlaws only. that's it.

I am just tired of fake people and prefer to live a quiet life. I prefer to be antisocial.

 

[Peppermint]

It sounds like a fundamental issue between you and your husband. Different priorities.

Ideally you two would be on the same page on these matters.

Does your husband communicate with you before inviting people over? Do you communicate to him that you feel depressed, neglected from the sound of it, have you confronted him about his seeming preference to spend time with his buddies over you? Could it be that having people over is a form of escapism for him? Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable being alone with you for any extended period of time because then he'd have to confront hard issues he'd rather not?

I think you really need to have an open conversation with him, without blackmail (well if you do x I will do y). Ask him why he prefers spending time with buddies. Ask him how he sees your marriage at the moment. Communicate to you what you've said here - that your house is not a hotel, or a lounge, or a video arcade and that you're not willing to have house guests over an extended period of time.

 

[sapphiresky]

It sounds like a fundamental issue between you and your husband. Different priorities.

Ideally you two would be on the same page on these matters.

Does your husband communicate with you before inviting people over? Do you communicate to him that you feel depressed, neglected from the sound of it, have you confronted him about his seeming preference to spend time with his buddies over you? Could it be that having people over is a form of escapism for him? Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable being alone with you for an extended period of time because then he'd have to confront hard issues he'd rather not?

I think you really need to have an open conversation with him, without blackmail (well if you do x I will do y). Ask him why he prefers spending time with buddies. Ask him how he sees your marriage at the moment. Communicate to you what you've said here - that your house is not a hotel, or a lounge, or a video arcade and that you're not willing to have house guests over an extended period of time.

My husband does communicate well with me. He talks to me about all his plans. He knows I am depressed.

I do need to seek my own friends. I have made 0 friends since I moved to this state. I must confess sometimes it bugs me that he has people to talk to and I don't but at the same time, I do feel glad that he has those people. I would be depressed if he had the same issues I do.

I think part of my frustration is that I DO want him to have friends and BE happy, but I feel that I need to sacrifice my mental peace and own privacy just for the sake of him keeping his relationships. His buddies are seeking a place to stay for free. I want him to keep his friends but I don't want to be part of those relationships, and that includes letting them stay in my home.

My husband says that he loves me and that I am his #1 priority. I don't think it's entirely true. I think deep inside him there is something that is missing in his life and that is fine!

My husband is an INTJ and there are a lot of things that he loves to talk about that I don't care about such as politics for example and his buddies fulfill that void which is GREAT. I need space from my own husband too.

I decided to enroll in some arts/craft classes so I can get some time for myself and interact with people that have similar interests.

 

[Peppermint]

My husband does communicate well with me. He talks to me about all his plans. He knows I am depressed.

I do need to seek my own friends. I have made 0 friends since I moved to this state. I must confess sometimes it bugs me that he has people to talk to and I don't but at the same time, I do feel glad that he has those people. I would be depressed if he had the same issues I do.

I think part of my frustration is that I DO want him to have friends and BE happy, but I feel that I need to sacrifice my mental peace and own privacy just for the sake of him keeping his relationships. His buddies are seeking a place to stay for free. I want him to keep his friends but I don't want to be part of those relationships, and that includes letting them stay in my home.

My husband says that he loves me and that I am his #1 priority. I don't think it's entirely true. I think deep inside him there is something that is missing in his life and that is fine!

My husband is an INTJ and there are a lot of things that he loves to talk about that I don't care about such as politics for example and his buddies fulfill that void which is GREAT. I need space from my own husband too.

I decided to enroll in some arts/craft classes so I can get some time for myself and interact with people that have similar interests.

I think that's great that you're trying to find hobbies, but I still think you should assert boundaries with respect to visitation, because it's obviously making you miserable.

Re what Cornerstone said, is it possible for your husband to have one room to serve as a "man cave" of sorts, a lounge where his buddies can spend time with him without encroaching on your living space and disrupting your daily activities?

 

[sapphiresky]

I think that's great that you're trying to find hobbies, but I still think you should assert boundaries with respect to visitation, because it's obviously making you miserable.

Re what Cornerstone said, is it possible for your husband to have one room to serve as a "man cave" of sorts, a lounge where his buddies can spend time with him without encroaching on your living space and disrupting your daily activities?

A man cave sounds ideal but we don't have a basement or anything like that. We live in a small home with an open concept so it's hard to get any privacy here. The Living Room space and kitchen are wide open. We have a small backyard too. It's not the ideal home to entertain guests.

We definitely didn't bough this house with guests in mind/

Ironically when we were dating he was helping me find a new apartment for myself that was closer to him, we were living like 2 hours away at the time, and he suggested finding something smaller because then my whole family would be in my apartment all year. Hah. How funny. He doesn't like the idea of me having family over all of the time but he wants me to be cool with his people.

 

[sapphiresky]

I have a Supermarket, Schools, a Library ,and a park like 10 minutes from my house. It will be foolish of me to move to a bigger house that we can’t even afford and leave all these conveniences behind that are obviously a blessing to us just to please people that I don’t even like. It’s not fair.

 

[sapphiresky]

So I told my husband yesterday that on the last day the marriage couple stay at home, I caught his friend giving me an inappropriate look (checked me out) while standing next to his wife which really embarrassed me. (True story). I was wearing a Tshirt and biker shorts. Nothing inappropriate.

My husband was surprised to hear that. He didn’t noticed it that time. Definitely wasn’t happy with it. So yeah that sure helped him understand my need for privacy.

Thanks everyone for listening. Had to let this out.

 

[Asa]

There are many different things going on in your complaint and they all need different solutions.

First, you seemed burned out. You have a baby, so you’re running on empty, getting no sleep, and trying to balance being a parent with other responsibilities. Do you have any time to decompress? You need the time and space to relax, unwind, be alone, and for “self-care”. If you can schedule a time to decompress, you’ll be able to handle stressful situations.

Second, communicate. Your family has changed. You have a baby. Communicate your needs to your in-laws and parents and explain that when they stay, they need to help you with the baby, cooking, and/or chores. If it is better for them to stay in a hotel right now, ask your spouse to tell your in-laws. Communicate your needs to your friends, too.

If you have ungrateful (or toxic) friends taking advantage of you, there is no need to continue those friendships.

Take a break from having houseguests. Use having a baby as an excuse if you have to. You’re burned out.

Be careful not to cut people off unless they’re toxic. You need family and friends in your life and every time you cut people off, you make your circle smaller and lose out on relationships that will be fulfilling for you, your spouse, or your kids. People you don’t want to welcome right now could be helpful to have in your life later on for any number of reasons, so be careful about making hard decisions while you feel cornered and burned out.


Don’t rock the boat with your husband’s family or his close friendships. Communicate with him and make joint decisions. Don’t let his friends or family mistreat you, either. Let him know how you feel.

Maybe you can come up with some rules for houseguests. A limit of days they may stay. Put limits on the weeks of the year you are willing to have guests. Everyone chips in for dinner. Make sure there are days when you aren’t expected to entertain them all day.

My home used to be full of visitors from all over the world every few weeks. Sometimes family visited. Sometimes we had extended houseguests who stayed for months. I opened my home to people. Despite being an introvert, I liked it and miss it, but I also keep strong boundaries for alone time. We cooked one night, the guests cooked another night, and we went out on the third night, etc, and many of our guests had a purpose for their visits (whether work, tourism, or job hunting), so they weren’t always in the house. (Plus, I had to go to work, too.) I made lasting friendships by hosting people, feeding them, and making them feel loved.

 

[Matty]

The right solution is probably somewhere inbetween your strong desire for privacy, and your spouse's occasional desire for hosting guests.

I'm imagining a house with a small self enclosed apartment (and rules about times common areas can be used), having guests hire an RV/winnebago and park it in the driveway, with similar curfews from the house.

Like in diplomacy, the ideal solution is perhaps one where everyone is mildly unhappy and inconvenienced equally.

 

[MoonFlier]

Agreeing with Asa here, you're frazzled and a bit exhausted by the baby routine and that's perfectly understandable.
Once we have children our lives and priorities change. If friends and family cannot understand why you say "No" to house guests anymore, then perhaps it's just best to let them work through their anger. Eventually they will see they were being unreasonably demanding.

So stand your ground, tell your husband now "Aside from your and my parents, no more house guests". Most people need to pony up when staying in the Florida area anyway, not a new concept and they must have known that some day their free ride would end. Continue to host friends for dinner or a game, sure, but no more overnights.

I take it you're in the central florida area if it is such a popular spot? Plenty of very nice places to stay in the area. If you're in the Miami area, pretty much the same, many, many hotels there, some right on the beach. They can save up for their trips like the rest of us.

 

[Sloe Djinn]

Hopefully getting out more and socializing will help.

I think there has to be some kind of compromise though. Like if nobody can come over and he's a social person then there has to be some way for him to meet that need. Proposing a trip with his friend sounded like it would solve the privacy problem, so I'm wondering why the vindictiveness of leaving for a month if he were to take a trip with his friend. I understand that in fairness she should be able to vacation too, but there was a strong vibe of "If you vacation then I will punish you by leaving for a month" when it seems like an ideal way to keep the privacy and she also gets to go see her family at an equal frequency if she wants.

 

[slant]

I don't know if it's right or wrong, you're entitled to your feelings, but it seems a bit privileged. When you come from a family that is in extreme poverty, if there's room at your house for somebody to stay when they visit, you offer it. Many people can't afford a hotel. Many people are struggling. My current boyfriend comes from a more privileged income status and I straight up told him, if he's with me, if people need a place to stay and we have room, that's how it is going to be. Does your husband feel the same way as you or does he have no issues offering his house for others to stay in? If you are both on the same page, I see no issue. People can think what they want. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. On the other hand if your partner would offer his home and you're blocking it, that's not fair to him. I would consider compromising. It's both of your homes. But yeah, it's not inherently right or wrong. From my upbringing it definitely seems weird, but I'm not you and you're not me. We have the right to our own preferences.

 

[Wyote]

Put a sign on your front door: Closed For The Season

 

[sapphiresky]

Thanks for your response and advice.

I understand what you are saying about not cutting people off but I just feel the majority of people that are in my life are toxic. I really want to start from zero and focus on making local friends, such as other stay-at-home mothers or artsy/crafty people. I think becoming friends with my husband's long-distance friends is exhausting and their motives are confusing. He can keep those friends but I want to disconnect from them.

For example, the married friends that stayed with us last summer called during a time when my baby was 8 months old and she was still sleeping in our bedroom. I was desperate to move her to her own room and sleep train her, but of course, these people called us weeks before asking us to let them stay so I accommodated them in the baby room which has a full-size bed.

After sharing our home with them and taking the time to entertain them his friend criticized our wedding and said that we should get married again. Yes, our wedding wasn't perfect and had its "difficulties", but I couldn't believe that after all of this time he had the guts to talk about our wedding like that. If this is how friendships are supposed to be like I will rather be alone honestly. He gave us $100 dollars as a baby shower gift which I never asked for and it seems that he gives big gifts as a way to get away with saying stupid shit like that and allow him to stay home. I hate receiving gifts with strings attached.

My husband doesn't even really like him that much because he is competitive and envious....but he decides to keep friends like that for some strange reason. He is more forgiving than I do.

And it is not just his friends, it's my side of my family too. Some uncles of mine have also been a pain in the ass, and I told them that I couldn't let them stay in my home anymore. Thankfully they relocated and found a home an hour away from me, so I don't need to host them in my house anymore but I still have needed to set my boundaries with them.
I felt I was giving too much to them and receiving little in return.

I wish I had the same cordial heart that you do and accept my whole family and my husband's friends at home but unfortunately, I feel that most of the people in my life are opportunistic, except for my parents and that's it.

There are many different things going on in your complaint and they all need different solutions.

First, you seemed burned out. You have a baby, so you’re running on empty, getting no sleep, and trying to balance being a parent with other responsibilities. Do you have any time to decompress? You need the time and space to relax, unwind, be alone, and for “self-care”. If you can schedule a time to decompress, you’ll be able to handle stressful situations.

Second, communicate. Your family has changed. You have a baby. Communicate your needs to your in-laws and parents and explain that when they stay, they need to help you with the baby, cooking, and/or chores. If it is better for them to stay in a hotel right now, ask your spouse to tell your in-laws. Communicate your needs to your friends, too.

If you have ungrateful (or toxic) friends taking advantage of you, there is no need to continue those friendships.

Take a break from having houseguests. Use having a baby as an excuse if you have to. You’re burned out.

Be careful not to cut people off unless they’re toxic. You need family and friends in your life and every time you cut people off, you make your circle smaller and lose out on relationships that will be fulfilling for you, your spouse, or your kids. People you don’t want to welcome right now could be helpful to have in your life later on for any number of reasons, so be careful about making hard decisions while you feel cornered and burned out.


Don’t rock the boat with your husband’s family or his close friendships. Communicate with him and make joint decisions. Don’t let his friends or family mistreat you, either. Let him know how you feel.

Maybe you can come up with some rules for houseguests. A limit of days they may stay. Put limits on the weeks of the year you are willing to have guests. Everyone chips in for dinner. Make sure there are days when you aren’t expected to entertain them all day.

My home used to be full of visitors from all over the world every few weeks. Sometimes family visited. Sometimes we had extended houseguests who stayed for months. I opened my home to people. Despite being an introvert, I liked it and miss it, but I also keep strong boundaries for alone time. We cooked one night, the guests cooked another night, and we went out on the third night, etc, and many of our guests had a purpose for their visits (whether work, tourism, or job hunting), so they weren’t always in the house. (Plus, I had to go to work, too.) I made lasting friendships by hosting people, feeding them, and making them feel loved.