[INFJ] I don't want people to vacation in my house anymore

I identify as an INFJ. I am a very private person who enjoys having my own space and living in Florida doesn't help with that situation since our family/friends live very far away. Many of them feel entitled to stay in our homes every year.



Years ago I was sort of ok with that since I was a full-time worker and had no children. But now that I am a stay-at-home mom with a toddler I need my privacy.

When we were house shopping I had an idea in mind, that I wanted a house that was easy to clean and maintain. My mother-in-law was pushing us to buy a home with an in-law suite and that just made the decision of buying a small 1-story home easier. I don't like to send a message to the universe that we have a Floridian Airbnb for everyone to use.

We have 3 rooms, the guestroom was taken by the baby, and the other room now is an office where my husband now works permanently. We were not expecting that change but the pandemic made that happen. I sometimes worry about where we are going to put a 2nd child of a different gender if we decide to have another one. I am pretty sure our in-laws are not going to be happy if the 2nd child takes the office, and my husband puts an office desk in our master bedroom, and they stay in the living room.

My husband still keeps in touch with his college roommates, who live in the North and they expect that they have to stay at home, especially one in particular who is like a brother to him. Last year that stopped and he had to get a hotel which pissed him off the entire time he was here and that aggravated me. Then there was this married couple (husband's friends as well) who I let stay, just because they send us baby shower gifts and I was going to feel like an asshole telling them, no, but I told my husband that was their last stay.

We agreed that the only people I can tolerate staying are our in-laws and parents. One of his siblings is always hinting that they want to stay in the future, and I don't want them here. They are problematic and they are a family of 5. How are they going to fit in this house?

I am also worried that after my mother-in-law retires they are going to be at home more frequently. It's already happening this year when they are already planning to come during spring break AND July. They have been talking about this for a long time and they still don't have dates set which boils my blood because my life doesn't revolve around them. I have things to do too and my own family wants to visit as well.

The in-laws sometimes ask me if we want them to stay in a hotel. It's an AWKWARD question. I don't want to be the one saying YES please do. I let them stay in my house because we stay in theirs when is our turn to visit but having them in our home is a pain in the ass, because of cultural differences and personality clashes. They are forever Trumpsters/Rednecks and are always bringing politics and religion to the conversation and they are not that helpful in the house and with the baby. They just come to be entertained for a Floridian vacay.

Is it normal to not want guests anymore? Am I being rude?

 

Actually, I started to break that pattern last year during the Christmas holidays because it's what makes sense. The married couple that stayed in our home last summer tried to set up an arrangement with us, telling us that we can stay in their home every year too for the holidays, but we didn't do it. Because I knew that was going to open a can of worms. We just spent more days at the in-law's house which worked out.

I think is pretty weird to do that as I don't know these people well either. The wife of my husband's friend never tries to stay in touch with me. I texted her once to see how she was doing but she never reaches out to me. I think they are just using us to have a place to stay for the summer. It's weird to have someone to stay in your home once and you never hear from that person ever again until the next time they want to come down.

Having visitors does give me stress and anxiety, especially now when I also have to take care of a child.

 

I have been resenting living in Florida to tell you the truth. I rather move to a boring state than be here sometimes.

My husband was homeschooled and he didn't make any friends until college. His college roomies have been his besties for many years. I am ok with that. It's good for his mental health to keep in touch with them. But my husband and some of his friends cannot let go of the "college phase".

I had a 3-hour argument with my husband yesterday because he said "Since you don't like my other friend, and don't want him to be at home then I can plan a vacation trip with him". That pissed me off SO BAD. I have been a depressed stay-at-home mom since the pandemic hit. I have no time for myself, and he wants to vacation with his single buddy. I told him that if he is going to do that I am going to stay an entire month in Puerto Rico with my parents (that's where I am from).

That other friend of his and I don't get along that well. I have let him stay in our home for around 6 years straight, even when we were living in a tiny apartment he crashed in our living room. When I and my husband were dating, he went on a road trip with all of his buddies, and it was during a stressful time when I had an unreliable car and needed help, but I still allowed him to have fun.

Last summer his "bro" did stay in a hotel, but he was still in my house every day! To the point where he brought a gaming computer with all the equipment and placed it on my kitchen table. I have a 78x42 inch table and his equipment took my whole table. He sat there and gamed for HOURS! Where the fuck does he thinks me and my toddler were going to eat? My house is not a video game arcade. It's my HOME. I kicked his friend out that day, and he made a big drama over it saying he was being exiled from our home.

I told my husband that he can come to our house, but for a short time and not every single day! These are grown men in their mid 30's almost turning 40.

Then at the end of the day, my husband treats me like his neurotic Puerto Rican wife.

I sometimes regret getting married. I am not going to lie to you. I even have doubts about having another child. Some things just don't seem right to me.

 

The thing is that I don't want any guests, except for my parents and his parents, ONLY because they are our parents and now that we have a daughter we want them to have a relationship with her. I just don't want to deal with anybody else really. I think I have been very accomodating to all of these people and now I am ready to move on with my life. I want my privacy.

If I do move to another house it's if we decide to have another child, and that child turns out to be a boy. The extra room will only be used as an office or craft room, and a guestroom for parents/inlaws only. that's it.

I am just tired of fake people and prefer to live a quiet life. I prefer to be antisocial.

 

My husband does communicate well with me. He talks to me about all his plans. He knows I am depressed.

I do need to seek my own friends. I have made 0 friends since I moved to this state. I must confess sometimes it bugs me that he has people to talk to and I don't but at the same time, I do feel glad that he has those people. I would be depressed if he had the same issues I do.

I think part of my frustration is that I DO want him to have friends and BE happy, but I feel that I need to sacrifice my mental peace and own privacy just for the sake of him keeping his relationships. His buddies are seeking a place to stay for free. I want him to keep his friends but I don't want to be part of those relationships, and that includes letting them stay in my home.

My husband says that he loves me and that I am his #1 priority. I don't think it's entirely true. I think deep inside him there is something that is missing in his life and that is fine!

My husband is an INTJ and there are a lot of things that he loves to talk about that I don't care about such as politics for example and his buddies fulfill that void which is GREAT. I need space from my own husband too.

I decided to enroll in some arts/craft classes so I can get some time for myself and interact with people that have similar interests.

 

A man cave sounds ideal but we don't have a basement or anything like that. We live in a small home with an open concept so it's hard to get any privacy here. The Living Room space and kitchen are wide open. We have a small backyard too. It's not the ideal home to entertain guests.

We definitely didn't bough this house with guests in mind/

Ironically when we were dating he was helping me find a new apartment for myself that was closer to him, we were living like 2 hours away at the time, and he suggested finding something smaller because then my whole family would be in my apartment all year. Hah. How funny. He doesn't like the idea of me having family over all of the time but he wants me to be cool with his people.

 

I have a Supermarket, Schools, a Library ,and a park like 10 minutes from my house. It will be foolish of me to move to a bigger house that we can’t even afford and leave all these conveniences behind that are obviously a blessing to us just to please people that I don’t even like. It’s not fair.

 

So I told my husband yesterday that on the last day the marriage couple stay at home, I caught his friend giving me an inappropriate look (checked me out) while standing next to his wife which really embarrassed me. (True story). I was wearing a Tshirt and biker shorts. Nothing inappropriate.

My husband was surprised to hear that. He didn’t noticed it that time. Definitely wasn’t happy with it. So yeah that sure helped him understand my need for privacy.

Thanks everyone for listening. Had to let this out.

 

Thanks for your response and advice.

I understand what you are saying about not cutting people off but I just feel the majority of people that are in my life are toxic. I really want to start from zero and focus on making local friends, such as other stay-at-home mothers or artsy/crafty people. I think becoming friends with my husband's long-distance friends is exhausting and their motives are confusing. He can keep those friends but I want to disconnect from them.

For example, the married friends that stayed with us last summer called during a time when my baby was 8 months old and she was still sleeping in our bedroom. I was desperate to move her to her own room and sleep train her, but of course, these people called us weeks before asking us to let them stay so I accommodated them in the baby room which has a full-size bed.

After sharing our home with them and taking the time to entertain them his friend criticized our wedding and said that we should get married again. Yes, our wedding wasn't perfect and had its "difficulties", but I couldn't believe that after all of this time he had the guts to talk about our wedding like that. If this is how friendships are supposed to be like I will rather be alone honestly. He gave us $100 dollars as a baby shower gift which I never asked for and it seems that he gives big gifts as a way to get away with saying stupid shit like that and allow him to stay home. I hate receiving gifts with strings attached.

My husband doesn't even really like him that much because he is competitive and envious....but he decides to keep friends like that for some strange reason. He is more forgiving than I do.

And it is not just his friends, it's my side of my family too. Some uncles of mine have also been a pain in the ass, and I told them that I couldn't let them stay in my home anymore. Thankfully they relocated and found a home an hour away from me, so I don't need to host them in my house anymore but I still have needed to set my boundaries with them.
I felt I was giving too much to them and receiving little in return.

I wish I had the same cordial heart that you do and accept my whole family and my husband's friends at home but unfortunately, I feel that most of the people in my life are opportunistic, except for my parents and that's it.