How does one ask someone out? | INFJ Forum

How does one ask someone out?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by NaeturVindur, Oct 29, 2009.

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  1. NaeturVindur

    NaeturVindur Cuddlemaster
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    I don't get it.

    If you follow my blog (which I haven't updated in a while, I'll get around to that when I can), you've noticed that I've gone head over heels for this guy, and the emotions are only growing with each passing day. :m055: He's gay and single, and I want to ask him out. The only problem is, I have no idea how, no idea what to say, how to express how I feel, anything.

    suggestions?
     
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  2. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    Find something that you both have in common and use it to spark a conversation. Invite him to join you in some related activity, and subtly hint that his company would be very welcome.
     
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  3. Ria

    Ria Snow White over the ocean

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    [QUOTE=N
     
  4. J. Cardigan

    J. Cardigan Community Member

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    The right moment will come when it feels far too easy to let it slip away. This comes from experience. Don't rush things, but don't wait too long or you may wind up regretting it.
     
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  5. OP
    NaeturVindur

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    http://forum.infjs.com/showthread.php?p=133489#post133489

    can't flirt, as I have no idea how to tailor what I do to be flirtatious. I have the ability to speak to him, and can get rather emotional with it (just the wrong emotions [I was crying into his shoulder last night]).

    I have gotten to know him. If I worried about such things, right now I'd be worried about being "friend-zoned"

    The problem with that is 1) I'm a coward, 2) I don't know if he would interpret as a date. bloody hell, we've watched Princess bride together, just the two of us, and I'm pretty sure he wasn't thinking of it as a date (or maybe he did, and I'm just being an idiot).

    so, yeah, I guess context really helps. I guess if this is going to be an all about me thread, it should be moved to Emotional support and Advice. I'll leave that decision up to the mod/admin team.
     
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  6. Solongo

    Solongo Well-known member

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    The right moment never really comes. it is defined by your readiness and how bold/courageous you are. Unless you are already friends with this person, then you might just need to not analyze and go for it. I am not sure how gay men think about the whole situation. As a women i was never impressed with what was said, it was always how much energy and directness was there when a guy approached me. Being direct, sincere, honest and respectful worked for me. Good Luck


    [QUOTE=N
     
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  7. Ria

    Ria Snow White over the ocean

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    I read yr thread so now I have a better idea. I think it might be a good idea if you were to try and get the bravery up to just take advantage of a great moment, and be very honest with him...

    I think you sound so happy, it would be disappointing if you lost out on an opportunity to share your happiness with him. Perhaps you are wishing he would approach you instead? If so, understandable.

    In the past, if the chemistry's been right, I've made that move and found it was worth it to do.

    Honest and gentle words will always be taken with kindness, so perhaps you might want to try just saying how you feel about him. Tell him that he caught your eye when you first saw him playing a cyber-comic that night and that when you guys hang out together, you're smiling inside. Just put it out there, because if you don't, then you'll always be wondering and driving yourself crazy. That would be too bad,

    so good luck and pls keep us posted! I hope it all works out for you! :)
     
  8. OP
    NaeturVindur

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    I've been told the part about the right time thing, and sincerely believe it by now. The question is how to deal with a non-perfect time. However, I like that part about the energy over words bit. I can DO energy, I just need some word to carry said energy, as I don't think silence can entirely cover it.
    thanks! also, huge new post thats really interesting to this.
     
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  9. Solar Empath

    Solar Empath Community Member

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    God I hate this. THIS IS WHAT KILLS ME.

    I'm hetero, but I have this issue all the time too. This is the supposed 'advice':

    Don't wait too long or they will move on.
    Don't push too fast or they will think you are needy.
    Don't be too forward or you will scare them off.
    Don't hold back too much or you will lose their interest.
    Don't say too much or they will think you are weak.
    Don't say too little or they will think you are unfeeling.

    Aaaaaahhhh! :p

    I just go with 'Say what you feel and let the chips fall where they may'. If they turn you down then they aren't who you wanted anyway.
     
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  10. smiffy

    smiffy Community Member

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    by asking? sorry didn't read any of the thread!
     
  11. Solongo

    Solongo Well-known member

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    Yes, dealing with non perfect timing is really what it is about. Like anything new and challenging, the more you do it the easier it may get. Also humor can always be a great ice breaker. Its hard to connect on something that you both like because you simply DON"t know. Let us know how it went :)

    [QUOTE=N
     
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  12. sassafras

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    What's your relationship like with him presently? Do you guys spend a lot of time together, or do you just casually meet up to watch movies once in while (?) From the get-go, I'm guessing you guys have a friendship going on here, but I'd like to be sure. How close you are with this person may play a role in how you go about asking someone out.

    Reflecting on the ways I've been asked out before, I can honestly tell you that 9/10 times, the guys were pretty up front about it. "I'd like to take you out sometime" or some variation thereof.

    With regards to my getting involved with friends, however, it just sort of... happened. There wasn't any clear 'asking out' moment. Just a lot of flirtations that sort of built up over time.

    I will ponder this once I have more info.
     
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  13. OP
    NaeturVindur

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    Its all described in my blog, but in short: we're good friends, but we could definitely be closer. However, I doubt it will just happen. Especially if it relies on one or both of us flirting. I'm not at all flirtatious, so it would all be on him, and with him, its kind of hard to draw the line between friendliness and flirtation.
     
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  14. davidj

    davidj Three

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    Havn't read this thread....

    But basically, I have the biggest problem with making girls I already know into anything more. I get overcome with fear blah blah...So in a desperate attempt, everyday that I wake up and know I am in a more extraverted mood than my usually (not often), I go through that day and try to talk to as many girls as I can (school usually), and get some numbers. Sounds shallow, but I try to have a long enough conversation with her to see what kind of signals she puts off and if I like her. Than get her number. And when I call, I always call around 3-5 with something to do. That way she doesn't have a long time to think any sketchy thought or a long time to think of better things to do


    Now as far as attraction at first glance, I managed to attain that when my friend gave me this link http://www.seductiontuition.com/tyler-durden/25-points.html
    This guy did huge observing on social interaction, and developed this alpha theory. (I wonder what type?)


    Try reading the article, and notice soem of the things in interactions around you.
    I've found that I can better navigate through social interactions and not be so walked upon. I actuallly used to think that people didn't like me, but now I realize that it's only because they're threatened or need to fill their ego or whatever

    With using just a few of these tricks, Males have a lot more respect for me on first meeting and Females just loooove me. :)

    Any way, using these tips should have a few girls coming after you, so maybe you wont have as big of a problem.
     
    #14 davidj, Oct 30, 2009
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2009
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  15. Duty

    Duty Permanent Fixture

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    Ok, this may sound both tired and simple, but this is an opportunity to learn a great lesson that will apply to both dating and to life in general:

    Pick an approach and just go do it. If you're inexperienced you might fail at it. That's ok, because that is how you learn...you fail time and time again until you find a way that works. Being accustomed to failure is one of the greatest skills you can have. Being afraid to fail is one of the most limiting vices you can have.

    So pick an approach and go for it. If it doesn't work, select a new approach and try again. Either way, courage. :)
     
  16. Ria

    Ria Snow White over the ocean

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    What would u think about setting a loose plan for letting him know maybe this weekend? :)


    ( I understand it's nerve wracking and all...)
     
  17. OP
    NaeturVindur

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    Tomorrow (Halloween), we (myself, him, and couple more friends) are going down to Frenchman, because its the place to go in NOLA for halloween. On the way back, I'm going to try to talk to him slightly separated from the group, and spill all then. :m162:

    I guess this thread is the J in me screaming for some variety of a script, which I have a feeling I'm not/shouldn't get[ting].
     
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  18. Ria

    Ria Snow White over the ocean

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    [QUOTE=N
     
  19. Atlas

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    I don't think you need to stress or over complicate asking this guy out. Let me contrast asking a guy and a girl out. when asking a girl out there's a witch's brew of idiosyncrasies going on inside her head about you. one wrong word or vibe could ruin it, no matter how little sense it makes to you.

    what's going on inside a mans head? nothing. since a woman is typically not a physical threat, and we don't contribute 9 months of biological resources to the deal, there's nothing complicated going on in a man's head. even if he's gay. It's all chemistry. He's either going to say yes or say no, regardless of how inept you might come off, or "how" you ask him out.

    you could literally say, "you're a sexy bitch, let's go get some coffee."
     
  20. DeadlyPacifist

    DeadlyPacifist Regular Poster

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    Uhh last time, I just asked him to study together at lunch.

    If I was interested in anyone else, I'd be like. "I can predict the future. I see you and me together at [insert place] at [x:xx <- time] on [insert date]. Am I correct?"
     
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