How does love work for Ni/Fe users?

[VH]

When I fall for someone, I fall for them, hard. They are on my mind quite literally every hour of every day. It's horribly painful to be honest.

I bend over backwards and twist myself into shapes that I didnt even know were possible to make things work. It's something I have to work on.

Same here. Exactly.

Thank God it's not just me. When I can sense someone falling for me, I get the overwhelming feeling that I love them, too (usually it turns out the feeling is fabricated). It makes me feel like a terrible person, because I will tell them I love them -thinking it is true- only later to realize I've led them on.

I can sense it extremely clearly when someone else is falling for me. I have never had confusion between my own feelings and theirs, no matter how acutely I can sense their feelings. Sometimes... more like most of the time... I find it really touching and it warms me into changing my own feelings, but I don't take on theirs unless I wanted the feelings to be mutual before hand.

Most of the time, those kinds of feelings warm me into showing even more kindness to that person, and even sympathy, but I have found that my version of warmth looks like love to a lot of people, and have gotten in trouble for that because they felt I led them on. I felt very bad about that afterward, so I have had to learn how to draw lines and be more careful with people who fall for me, without compromising who I am with respect to my need to show kindness and sincere compassion to others.

 

[IndigoSensor]

It hurts so much, you're right, it IS horribly painful...

my ISTP boyfriend loves me too,,, but I do believe that my feelings for him are stronger and deeper. How do I know this? Because I CAN feel how he feels, and what he feels for me IS love, but his version of love for another, is less concentrated than mine.

He replies to my question sometimes when the moments feel good and comfortable, (like when we are talking over our cigarettes and cigars (yeah, I know, how romantic), that yes, he is willing to do whatever he can to make the relationship work.... and here I am saying that I will do whatever it TAKES to make it work. Yes, I am well experienced in twisting myself into impossible shapes in order for the relationship to have success, too.

To work on it though, feels like a step down for me, somehow. Like I am having to hold my feelings back, in order to not do this, but it seems as though people don't understand this, so I don't usually express it because I feel vulnerable if I'm challenged on my views and feelings. If I am with someone who cannot love me back and treat me with the same adoration and devotion that I treat him with, then I should just do myself a favor, and either get over my "needs" from another, or break it off. I just feel so frikin stuck, because both, seem like not an applicable option for someone with a heart like mine... It's lonely sometimes, to be an INFJ with these feelings around love and relationships.

That's my whine for tonight!

I agree that "working on it" does feel like a step down for me as well. At a deep level I do not want to do it, but I know that I have to. It is so unhealthy to stay attached to someone who can't reciprocate what I am giving and what I need. I think it is just that I am so idealistic and in the moment I can see somehow it working out. I project onto others my abillity to bend and change things, when in reality very few people are willing, or even can bend themselves. If I can find someone who does the same as me it will be a match made in heaven.

 

[Billy]

When I fall in love with someone I fall for them hard as well and theyre on my mind all the time... but thats not what I was asking. I am asking how love works for Ni and Fe combo.

It seems quite tricky because I usually cant figure out what I am feeling right away, I have a general idea of it, but its not intense, I pick up on other peoples emotions better then I pick up on mine. Maybe I have very weak Fi?

 

[Introspiritual]

It seems quite tricky because I usually cant figure out what I am feeling right away, I have a general idea of it, but its not intense, I pick up on other peoples emotions better then I pick up on mine. Maybe I have very weak Fi?

INFJs in general have Fi as part of their shadow, so understanding and acknowledging our feelings consciously is a bit out of the ordinary. Also keep in mind that Fe acts to provide external data about the world to us, so it's our primary "input," and can tend to drown out a lot of other things (Ti, for example).

An ENFJ relationship is a tricky one for an INFJ, in my opinion. Our Fe is secondary (adds data to Ni). Her Fe is primary, and Ni adds data to it. Her lead Fe and your secondary Fe will cause, in essence, an empathic feedback loop (she feels that you feel that she feels that...). It can be quite intoxicating, to say the least. However, I have found that for myself, standing my ground against someone with Fe as a lead is difficult at best, as their emotions tend to "swamp" me. The disadvantage of that is that INFJs are much more likely to yield/conform to such a strong influence rather than attempt to stay centered during it - so be extra sure that this person is healthy for you.

 

[Solongo]

Another question, the girl in question is an ENFJ...

Fe based. How do I know she isnt doing the same thing? In which case, who the hells feelings are being felt?

If it helps, my boyfriend is an ENFP. He told me his feelings first. But our NF functions work very well together and dealing with his E is a great challenge but fun as well.

I sense that if he was not an N or F...we would not be on the same page about our feelings. Also, girls tend to wait until the guy tells them their feelings.

 

[Solar Empath]

When I fall in love with someone I fall for them hard as well and theyre on my mind all the time... but thats not what I was asking. I am asking how love works for Ni and Fe combo.

It seems quite tricky because I usually cant figure out what I am feeling right away, I have a general idea of it, but its not intense, I pick up on other peoples emotions better then I pick up on mine. Maybe I have very weak Fi?

I think that instant fall is the Ni. It isn't really love at first sight but at some point in the relationship .. BAM! All of a sudden you 'know' how you feel. Like a flash of realization.

Fe then puts you into sync with their feelings. Where do they stop and you start when you are in love? No idea

J preference may be that insane level of commitment. I know when I connect that way it isn't some fling, it's serious. Unless very specific lines are crossed I will do my best to work it out, to 'fix it' when something goes wrong.. even if I have no clue how to do it.

 

[Eniko]

I have to say I really can't identify with taking on the emotions I sense in another person. I can sense them, but they don't affect my outlook all that much at all. Which is as it should be, I think. Seems like it'd be very reckless to be an emotional chameleon.

I wonder if that has to do with too much Fe and too little Fi?