High expectations

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I often read here that INFJ's just have too high of expectations for people. This seems to be a cause for many INFJ break ups. How were those high expectations violated in your your relationships. I think examples will help me to learn more than explanations but I want to read both :)

PS What motivated me to ask was someone posted how they regretted breaking up with someone because thier expectations were too high and they wanted to say they were sorry. Well in my mind it just flashed a scene of this person saying "Im sorry, I shouldnt have expected you to not be a shitty person. Please lets try again."
 
uberrogo said:
I often read here that INFJ's just have too high of expectations for people. This seems to be a cause for many INFJ break ups. How were those high expectations violated in your your relationships. I think examples will help me to learn more than explanations but I want to read both :)

PS What motivated me to ask was someone posted how they regretted breaking up with someone because thier expectations were too high and they wanted to say they were sorry. Well in my mind it just flashed a scene of this person saying "Im sorry, I shouldnt have expected you to not be a shitty person. Please lets try again."
Click to expand...

I put superficial values above what really mattered. I had decided she was not as pretty as some other women I would have preferred to be with. That was the reason I ended my relationship with her. I wanted to pursue women that I deemed as prettier at the time. She was actually quite beautiful, but I took it for granted. One of my friends showed her a note I had written to him about how hot another woman in class was. I am sure she still feels that betrayal to this day. Shitty way to find out about something like that. That is the closest I have ever come to cheating on someone.

I probably could have been very happy with her, she was a wonderful person.

I was 16 when our relationship ended.
 
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I think I would have high expectations for a significant other but I think its fair because I have even higher expectations for myself.
 
I'm not going to lie, I've pretty high expectations. But I give twice what I expect in a relationship so its only fair. I wouldn't even say they are all that lofty. i'm just unwilling to compromise on them. If you don't have what I need from the start, I'm not going to sit around and fight about it. Its like going up to a banana tree and screaming at it for not giving me strawberries.

But I have weird standards.
 
Yea I know the feeling.

My expectations are so high, and my value system is so strong due to my age and life experience... I know what I want and I am determined to get it. I am a horrible loser and I hate failior.

If another gets in the way of this, depending on what is at stake for everyone involved (myself and my children), then I act. If it feels somehow worth it to me and my children when I look at the big picture, then I will fight to my death to make things work... though often times, without compromise.

Whenever possible though, I will compromise, but it cannot be towards anything too high up in my value system, as I am a sensitive person who respects herself too much sometimes I think. Therefore having said that, my expectations for being respectful from others, is usually too high and I am regularly disappointed in this society.

I am able to read people's behaviors and their energies to help me gain empathy for them, as both these things among others, are clues to who, how and where that person is, so I am tollerant.

Be in my close, personal family/friend bubble, it takes a lot to get there... when you're there, I watch closely to ensure that all things will be respected, otherwise you won't hear from me for a long time, if at all...

Communicating is important to me too. Can we have a meaningful conversation? It has to be the case because along with comfortable silences, I don't like to waste my time with meaningless joking around, as I guess I'm more on the serious side- I don't have much of a sense of humor, I have too many responsibilities at the moment for laughter, although when the time is right, I can honestly enjoy a good session of rib-aching-laugh-release!
 
My expectation for most people are low.

However, for people that I want to like, or people that I care about, my expectations are extremely high. The problem is, because I like them and care about them, I seldom tell them that something is bothering me if they do something wrong. Eventually I will, but there is often too much of a delay period and it doesn't properly heal. I won't cut off these relationships though, because it is unfair to the other person, and they would almost always take it the wrong way.
 
uberrogo said:
"Im sorry, I shouldnt have expected you to not be a shitty person. Please lets try again."
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:m052: This is classic! I really do think like that. I don't say it out loud though.

I do become disillusioned when people don't match up with my ideals. It's about reciprocity, in a way. It's like sitting on a see-saw, when the other person is on the swings. After a while of waiting, and I can wait a long time, I realise that their swinging will not enable me to enjoy sitting on the see-saw. I get off, it crashes to the ground. I go home.

I started writing an example, but it's too personal really. Sorry. The thing is, when people let me down, it's totally crushing for me. I do expect too much, but in an odd way, it seems a fair price for my friendship. I don't offer an ordinary, run of the mill type of friendship. That probably sounds incredibly arrogant, and I've been called that before. It's not my intention. My intention is only ever good, and when people trade bad for good, it cuts deep.
 
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Helpful Elf said:
:m052: This is classic! I really do think like that. I don't say it out loud though.

I do become disillusioned when people don't match up with my ideals. It's about reciprocity, in a way. It's like sitting on a see-saw, when the other person is on the swings. After a while of waiting, and I can wait a long time, I realise that their swinging will not enable me to enjoy sitting on the see-saw. I get off, it crashes to the ground. I go home.

I started writing an example, but it's too personal really. Sorry. The thing is, when people let me down, it's totally crushing for me. I do expect too much, but in an odd way, it seems a fair price for my friendship. I don't offer an ordinary, run of the mill type of friendship. That probably sounds incredibly arrogant, and I've been called that before. It's not my intention. My intention is only ever good, and when people trade bad for good, it cuts deep.
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You're so awsome, I think you think a lot like I do.

Especially about the offering of an inordinary friendship... I search for "soul-mate" friendship in an intimate relationship; hence my mention of needing to have meaningful conversations. Alas, they are hard to find!
 
I want to know what these 'high expectations' are. Are they physical? moral? Emotional?

I tend to have high emotional and moral expectations of people, but I also have those of myself. Physical stuff I tend to see it as 'to each their own'.
 
Hmmi have a list of requirements. Lets see;



  • You have to be intelligent. I don't mean a little intelligent. I mean you have to be sort of brilliant. i rather not be smarter than you, but if we're close its fine. And even if you aren't smarter, be really knowledgeable about something interesting that I'm not knowledgeable about. That will actually suffice. Maybe.
  • You have to have a quirky sense of humor. I prefer super dry humor with a twinge of the absurd and vulgar. if you can tell a bawdy joke with a poker face, I'm a smitten kitten.
  • Keep up with me sexually. Or at least be willing to try.
  • Ambition makes me hot, as does confidence. If you are both, I melt. But it must be tempered with reality.
  • Kindness
  • *whispers* I like boys that are a leetle nerdy. And if not nerdy, musical. Either/Or.

That's really about it. I don't care what you look like or how much money you have. Those are the non negotiable items.
 
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Bored Now said:
Hmmi have a list of requirements. Lets see;



  • You have to be intelligent. I don't mean a little intelligent. I mean you have to be sort of brilliant. i rather not be smarter than you, but if we're close its fine. And even if you aren't smarter, be really knowledgeable about something interesting that I'm not knowledgeable about. That will actually suffice. Maybe.
  • You have to have a quirky sense of humor. I prefer super dry humor with a twinge of the absurd and vulgar. if you can tell a bawdy joke with a poker face, I'm a smitten kitten.
  • Keep up with me sexually. Or at least be willing to try.
  • Ambition makes me hot, as does confidence. If you are both, I melt. But it must be tempered with reality.
  • Kindness
  • *whispers* I like boys that are a leetle nerdy. And if not nerdy, musical. Either/Or.

That's really about it. I don't care what you look like or how much money you have. Those are the non negotiable items.
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I don't think those are too bad. >.> *sigh* I guess that means I fit in for high expectations too. So what is 'realistic' then?
 
Solar Empath said:
I want to know what these 'high expectations' are. Are they physical? moral? Emotional?

I tend to have high emotional and moral expectations of people, but I also have those of myself. Physical stuff I tend to see it as 'to each their own'.
Click to expand...

I have high moral and emotional expectations of others,

all three for the high expectations for myself...
 
Bored Now said:
Hmmi have a list of requirements. Lets see;



  • You have to be intelligent. I don't mean a little intelligent. I mean you have to be sort of brilliant. i rather not be smarter than you, but if we're close its fine. And even if you aren't smarter, be really knowledgeable about something interesting that I'm not knowledgeable about. That will actually suffice. Maybe.
  • You have to have a quirky sense of humor. I prefer super dry humor with a twinge of the absurd and vulgar. if you can tell a bawdy joke with a poker face, I'm a smitten kitten.
  • Keep up with me sexually. Or at least be willing to try.
  • Ambition makes me hot, as does confidence. If you are both, I melt. But it must be tempered with reality.
  • Kindness
  • *whispers* I like boys that are a leetle nerdy. And if not nerdy, musical. Either/Or.
That's really about it. I don't care what you look like or how much money you have. Those are the non negotiable items.
Click to expand...
You know what, that's basically my list, too... especially the first three. Yowza!!
 
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Bored Now said:
Hmmi have a list of requirements. Lets see;



  • You have to be intelligent. I don't mean a little intelligent. I mean you have to be sort of brilliant. i rather not be smarter than you, but if we're close its fine. And even if you aren't smarter, be really knowledgeable about something interesting that I'm not knowledgeable about. That will actually suffice. Maybe.
  • You have to have a quirky sense of humor. I prefer super dry humor with a twinge of the absurd and vulgar. if you can tell a bawdy joke with a poker face, I'm a smitten kitten.
  • Keep up with me sexually. Or at least be willing to try.
  • Ambition makes me hot, as does confidence. If you are both, I melt. But it must be tempered with reality.
  • Kindness
  • *whispers* I like boys that are a leetle nerdy. And if not nerdy, musical. Either/Or.

That's really about it. I don't care what you look like or how much money you have. Those are the non negotiable items.
Click to expand...
Well...I'd agree with alt ctrl del and say that that list is essentially mine (just switch boy to girl)
 
alt ctrl del said:
You know what, that's basically my list, too... especially the first three. Yowza!!
Click to expand...


Have I complimented you on your exceptional taste in people today? Because I should. Hee.
 
My expectation about the sort of connection formed with someone could be too high at times. I don't think the same is true of the details about the person. I'll have to think about this one. I like some flaws. They are important to making a real connection with someone.
 
My expectations? Wow, what a question.

I have high expectations to an extent.

I hate lists tbh. There are certain qualities I would look for but I would also want to be realistic. So, idk.
 
Julia said:
I like some flaws. They are important to making a real connection with someone.
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This is the same for me

I have become closer with some people just because of flaws... The point where someone becomes so unbearable that they force me to confront them. And afterwards we're closer and more trusting with each other than compared with my relationships with friends where we always get along... those almost seem a little bit meaningless and superficial.

But I wouldn't waste my energy on anyone if I thought the relationship wouldn't get anywhere.
 
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NeverAmI said:
I put superficial values above what really mattered. I had decided she was not as pretty as some other women I would have preferred to be with. That was the reason I ended my relationship with her. I wanted to pursue women that I deemed as prettier at the time. She was actually quite beautiful, but I took it for granted. One of my friends showed her a note I had written to him about how hot another woman in class was. I am sure she still feels that betrayal to this day. Shitty way to find out about something like that. That is the closest I have ever come to cheating on someone.

I probably could have been very happy with her, she was a wonderful person.

I was 16 when our relationship ended.
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I felt the same way in a former relationship. Felt like he wasn't reaching his potential which I had set for him even though he was very comfortable with his lifestyle. I deemed it a weakness and assumed we would not have a good future together. I was 18.
 
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