Has anyone been with an ENTJ? | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

Has anyone been with an ENTJ?

Never known any. I feel like I'd be pretty nonchalant about them as long as they didn't step on my toes.

Then I'd probably decide that none of them were worth my time.

Hah-hah-hah!
 
Von Hase said:
I dated an ENTJ. There was a lot of interest in one another, but we could never really click. It's hard to explain other than I assume it was that lack of Fe that has been mentioned above. She was very mechanical in a way.
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Same here, except it was a guy. Mutual interest, but no chemistry, and it just couldn't work. The problem is I am facinated by ENTJ's, but they are very toxic to me. I do hope to meet one that it works with, because I feel it would be great then. Lack of Fe, and moreover dislike of Fe is the core problem. That and I can not "get" their Ni, no matter how hard I try.
 
I have a close relationship (100% platonic) with one. Suspected a crush was one; before settling on borderline EN/STJ.

I can say I can click with them on so many things.....as long as it's not really: a) connected to professional areas, b) both reached each standards, c)they have a LOT to talk about. My crush failed both b & c (part of it was my fault, tho); He dropped really fast compared to my infatuation phase, although I still consider him a good man.
He know how not to pick my berserk button (and push another button simultaneously), but...meh. I don't know, it's just got pretty bland.
 
observations about my ENTJ

Hi there, newbie here who's been with someone who defines himself as an ENTJ for about 2 1/2 years. Thought it would be interesting to get some input from you all on how our relationship has panned out so far. I'm new to these tests so I hope you'll be patient with me if I don't understand your replies 100%.

We got together after meeting up a few times through a club that we both belong to. My first impression was "Who is that lanky nerd?" But I instinctively knew that we'd be an item sooner or later. And it was wonderful in the beginning, although I did hear some alarm bells when he was extremely gushy and told me he loved me after about two weeks. We were in contact several times a day, mostly initiated by him. We never argued about anything because we seemed to agree on almost everything. This was the situation for almost a year.

Then, things changed. We started to argue. The daily contact waned unless I initiated it. The arguments got worse and worse and most of them were due to misunderstandings or arose from poor communication or both. Or they came out of me feeling trampled over or neglected in some way. I was periodically depressed. He felt powerless to "fix" things. We had some quiet periods but they were interspersed by full-on bust-ups. I questioned my sanity. He questioned my sanity. I sought therapy. I'm still in therapy and we're still an item. Despite everything we still both think it's worth it.

I've read some of the posts here about ENTJs to try to work out how I can best deal with my man. I appreciate that he's a lot more complex than a type test can describe. One thing I've noticed is that his feeling side comes to the fore when everything's calm and both he and I are relatively content. When he's stressed or when I'm unhappy, he seems to fall hard into type. So I guess I need to use my INFJ skills to discern when he's stressed (not difficult in general) and just step outside the situation and see it for what it is instead of going ballistic. Not sure how to deal with it when it's me who's out of sorts though - much harder to be objective in that case.

I guess some will say that I'm doing all the adapting here, but from what I've read, ENTJs respond far better to carrots than sticks (I've tried sticks and can safely say they don't work). So if I behave in a way that's acceptable to him, maybe he'll be more receptive when I tell him what I need. He's not completely unreasonable, even if he has a hard time accepting joint responsibility for what goes on in our relationship (I do recognise that whole supervisor/supervisee thing). I've tried to make him aware of what he brings to the table but I seem to have gone about it the wrong way and just caused more arguments. And as you can probably appreciate, I just want peace and quiet!

Sorry about the long post but I hope to get some constructive feedback so I felt it necessary to give as much detail as possible.
 
miss understood said:
Hi there, newbie here who's been with someone who defines himself as an ENTJ for about 2 1/2 years. Thought it would be interesting to get some input from you all on how our relationship has panned out so far. I'm new to these tests so I hope you'll be patient with me if I don't understand your replies 100%.

We got together after meeting up a few times through a club that we both belong to. My first impression was "Who is that lanky nerd?" But I instinctively knew that we'd be an item sooner or later. And it was wonderful in the beginning, although I did hear some alarm bells when he was extremely gushy and told me he loved me after about two weeks. We were in contact several times a day, mostly initiated by him. We never argued about anything because we seemed to agree on almost everything. This was the situation for almost a year.

Then, things changed. We started to argue. The daily contact waned unless I initiated it. The arguments got worse and worse and most of them were due to misunderstandings or arose from poor communication or both. Or they came out of me feeling trampled over or neglected in some way. I was periodically depressed. He felt powerless to "fix" things. We had some quiet periods but they were interspersed by full-on bust-ups. I questioned my sanity. He questioned my sanity. I sought therapy. I'm still in therapy and we're still an item. Despite everything we still both think it's worth it.

I've read some of the posts here about ENTJs to try to work out how I can best deal with my man. I appreciate that he's a lot more complex than a type test can describe. One thing I've noticed is that his feeling side comes to the fore when everything's calm and both he and I are relatively content. When he's stressed or when I'm unhappy, he seems to fall hard into type. So I guess I need to use my INFJ skills to discern when he's stressed (not difficult in general) and just step outside the situation and see it for what it is instead of going ballistic. Not sure how to deal with it when it's me who's out of sorts though - much harder to be objective in that case.

I guess some will say that I'm doing all the adapting here, but from what I've read, ENTJs respond far better to carrots than sticks (I've tried sticks and can safely say they don't work). So if I behave in a way that's acceptable to him, maybe he'll be more receptive when I tell him what I need. He's not completely unreasonable, even if he has a hard time accepting joint responsibility for what goes on in our relationship (I do recognise that whole supervisor/supervisee thing). I've tried to make him aware of what he brings to the table but I seem to have gone about it the wrong way and just caused more arguments. And as you can probably appreciate, I just want peace and quiet!

Sorry about the long post but I hope to get some constructive feedback so I felt it necessary to give as much detail as possible.
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My parents are an INFJ/ENTJ couple (mother and father respectively). They've been together for almost 40 years. So yes, it can work. However, you need to actually be strong and stand your ground about things that are important and he needs to realize you have some deep-rooted moral values you won't compromise.

They love to "manage" things. To some degree, you can let him do what he wants with this - like balancing a check book, planning a trip, etc. So you do have to give him some things he can work with and be himself doing. Just don't go overboard and be a submissive slave!
 
Thanks - encouraging to hear that it can work. Interesting to hear about the "managing things" bit - I would say this is true in his professional life but in his personal life he is completely disorganised. He's also pretty bad with money! So I think I'll have to stick with him planning practical stuff like building furniture and the like. But I'll definitely bear this suggestion in mind :)
 
I just read the description for ENTP and it seems that my man falls more comfortably into that profile rather than ENTJ. I didn't recognise some of the ENTJ behaviour in him and even he said when he took the test "I'm not as cold as they make out". I'm guessing that his take on himself may be slightly different to what he's really like, but that seems to be quite common from what I've read online, that people misjudge themselves a bit depending on a variety of factors. And I can see that people can switch between profiles depending on the situation. Lots to learn for me in this area, I guess.
 
Reviving a long dead thread, just because I'm personally curious.... as an ENTJ (though I have certainly softened over the years and come close to middling on both T and J -ness, though not crossing over to P and F -ness)....

Anyway, just reviving because I have totally fallen for a very INFJ guy... and I wonder what makes ENTJs so frightening/intimidating/annoying - especially as a female ENTJ, I'm not super cold hearted - I just don't use my feelings to make major life decisions and in high-stress situations I tend to shut down the feelings side and become very analytical... but that doesn't mean I'm devoid of emotion. I cry, on the regular, and in calm/safe situations I am happy to open up about my deeper side and can be very sentimental about things. If anything, I don't talk about my feelings much because I am social anxious and being vulnerable is literally THE most frightening thing in the world to me. It doesn't mean I'm incapable, just that I have to feel very safe in a relationship to go there.

All that to say, part as a consequence of our personality type and our ability to always be on and appear confident and competent - I think ENTJs get a bad wrap. We may have cold, hard, shiny polished exteriors but many if not most of us (especially the girls) can have soft cushy insides if anyone took the time to let us feel safe enough to be vulnerable... And I'd think, if anyone could do that, it would be an INFJ....

But I'm curious, to restate the question, why we don't even get the chance...
 
.....God, my post above feels SO OLD.

(the above guy's an ESFJ actually. Mistyping so much.)

I think the very problem with an intimate relationship with an ENTJ is that an ENTJ's no-nonsense, cold hard exteriors has a VERY HIGH risk of bulldozing people's....feelings, values, and dreams, when it's irrational or does not fit the ENTJ's personal plan / goal / decision / standards.

And an F type uses their feelings, values, dreams, ideals as their own goals, and they very often get hurt because of it. Especially that at times all those can make someone very irrational and prone of making hasty, dangerous decisions, amongst others.

So ultimately it's a case of two people who're afraid to be vulnerable, attracted to each other's good points, but unwilling to be exposed to their bad sides (and that's a very human thing btw)
 
At one point I was exercising my Exxx a lot and was ENTJ for about 2-3 years before I had an experience that made me aware of my emotions again. As an ENTJ, I absorbed everything with my external thinking and the process with my intuition. The biggest thing I was no longer aware (for me at least) was self-guilt. It was very liberating. The catch is I was somewhat of a bulldozer. I was and still am to a degree fearless. I think more so as ENTJ. If you are a field marshal you have to be. People were drawn to me as well more so. Makes sense. They're the chiefs. Lol.
 
Very briefly. She was very controlling, although magnanimous and self confident bussiness kind of woman, chivalrous when given the chance. She cared a lot about practical, matter of fact, things that i usually don't care that much about, like getting as much money as possible. She didn't allowed herself to have much fun, unless she accomplished her objectives. Held 2 to 3 jobs (one full time), and went to college through the 7 days of the week. I felt like a wise-idiot when i talked to her, also a lazy bastard. But anyway...
 
I dated an ENTJ briefly. She was incredible. But too emotionally immature for me, and 6 years younger. It was substantial enough at my age for me to put a quick end to it.

I would definitely be interested in some ENxx women entering my life, I'll say that.
 
I find myself being able to "act" like I have Fe ... even if I don't have it. It's like a very, very simple science for me. So much so that for a while I thought I was Fe-dominant and not Te-dominant. My process wasn't innate. It was more derived through processing what being/doing good is and not that I felt like I was driven to doing it for others. Basically, understand what good is, then do said good. Get appreciated for doing said good. Understand what bad is. Don't do bad. And everything will be ok. It's simple rationalization. Not drive in my case. I can be a downright asshole and I have a blindspot when it comes to the feelings of others if I don't force myself to think about their feelings.

My mum is an INFJ and she trained me how to be a good person and I found myself trying to rationalize it. Even though at times my natural instinct is to put myself first ahead of others, but I consciously remember my mom's and my grandmother's words (who was likely an ISFJ) that it is ok to sometimes just do good for goodness sake and that not everything needs to be rationalized in order to be done. It's so hard to actually do that, but over time with experience I learnt to not be as uptight and not try to logik everything.

Sometimes doing what someone else perceives as "good" doesn't have to make sense to me personally - like inviting someone my wife's in conflict with because for some reason not inviting them would make the conflict worse --- but if there's already conflict and there's no desire to reconcile, then why must they be seen at all? .. Anyways, I digress.

It's ok to do things that don't always make sense. I mean, sure it goes against my innate programming, but doing it repeatedly over time I feel like it's become easier and easier to let go as I've aged.

My relationship with my mom has always been very good. She's just got what I feel like are mystic powers ... Her dreams and reality converge sometimes so I respect them. She's also a historian, a librarian, book-obsessed woman that says that she has already seen more than the world has to offer because what she reads transports her into worlds and universes far more abstract but concrete than the real world. I love to pick apart that aspect of her mind.

She refuses to travel because of this and this absolutely fascinates me about her. It also means that we can talk for hours about any topic in the world from religion, to politics, to science, to art, to books, to philosophy and we just connect on what I consider to be a higher level - a level that I have not been able to achieve with anyone else, except my current wife --- who is a quieter version of my mom, not as much into the abstract as I am, but just enough that she keeps me on my toes with regards to how I think about thinks. She keeps reminding me that I need to be less robotic and detached.
 
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Trifoilum said:
I think the very problem with an intimate relationship with an ENTJ is that an ENTJ's no-nonsense, cold hard exteriors has a VERY HIGH risk of bulldozing people's....feelings, values, and dreams, when it's irrational or does not fit the ENTJ's personal plan / goal / decision / standards.
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Yeah, ya'll gotta get with the program.
 
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I could not vouch for it but I'm pretty sure I went on a couple dates with an ENTJ female back in 2016.

I liked how driven she was and her sarcastic sense of humour too. But somehow we also clashed a bit, though very subtly at that early stage. Though I'm more diplomatic and soft about it I also naturally incline towards giving commands rather than being commanded, so there was a bit of friction there that was both attractive and uncomfortable. Interestingly, we ultimately agreed on not meeting again because we both wanted to prioritise our careers.
 
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I haven't been with an ENTJ and would not enjoy the romantic company of such a masculine personality, latent [you-know-what] is not my forte.

Identifying as an ENTJ myself, dating someone with my disposition would be horrible for another reason, the incessant jockeying for control.

I cannot be in second place. It simply wouldn't work out. I must control the options and make the final decisions.

We would regularly argue, demean one another, and hit each other where it hurts. Finally, after all of that, we'd put our clothes on.
 
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