Great week with INFP male....now he won't communicate

[Breeze]

This might seem like old news to most of you but people don't want to feel tied down and like they have to stay. If they want to stay that's better and completely different but being made to stay will just push anyone away from you.
The best way to treat relationships is like an old Chinese finger trap, the more you try and force it the worse it becomes but the more you relax the better it'll end up. Just relax and generally things will be fine but trying to force it to work is going to get you no where.

I honestly think if your idea of all men is that they're pigs or dogs who need training then you're not someone who should ever be in a relationship with a man because clearly you don't know what you want. You can't label all men one thing but then hope for them to act another way.

 

[slant]

At the end of the day I don't think the motivation really matters. You seem to want an exclusive relationship from what I can gather. This fellow doesn't. Did he promise you exclusivity or something? I think it's weird that you would message someone, accusing them of being a player, if it had not been established that you were exclusive. Lots of people (including me) just have casual sex hookups. Although I tend to be clear in the beginning to avoid situations like this. This guy probably just didn't realize that communicating his intentions prior to the sex and cuddling was important, or maybe he didn't even know what his intentions were at the time but only later figured it out and became....an awkward thing to realize you didn't want the same thing.

The fatal mistake you are making is that after communicating with him that you wanted an exclusive relationship, ceasing things when he did not give you a yes or no. He said he needed more time and then he needs to give you a "yes" or "no" answer. Honestly I'm not patient enough for this sort of thing. If someone wants to be in a relationship with you, they would say yes, they would make a decision likely instantly. So cut him off and go date someone who wants you and you want them and exclusivity is a thing. It's not as complicated as you seem to be making it. I think people cling onto relationships that weren't happening at the get go. This is why relationships are so dysfunctional....COMMUNICATION is important.

You should:

communicate that if you have sex with someone (prior to having sex tell them this) that you believe it is leading to monogamy and an exclusive relationship. I PROMISE a lot of honest people who just wanted a hookup will then not have sex with you, problem solved. Then if you have sex with someone who said they understand and still wanted to have sex and after sex they fail to commit- you cut them loose instantly. This increases you changes of finding a mate who has the same desires and understands the contract you're presenting to them.

 

[Peppermint]

Yes, I agree. I was very emotional and adoring with this one so there is no way in hell he is not going to panic with my no contact. I don't like doing this but it seems this is how men's subconscious works.

Your game is basically this: You try to trap a man into committing by being as emotionally intense, affectionate and sexual as early as possible with the hope of manipulating the man into a place where he owes you the same back. You're acting like those much maligned "nice" guys, who expect adoration and sex from women for being nice to them. This keeps backfiring on you as it seems you only manage to give men is an opportunity to lay you fast and a bit of guilt trip afterwards. People have given you much good advice, I don't understand why you keep rebuffing it and singing praises to your intuition. It's not as good as you think it is.

What baffles me is your sense of entitlement, honestly. You act offended that you poured out your heart to this guy and had unprotected sex with him, yet he won't commit. The caveat is that you offered up your heart and body of your own volition. You should have had the self respect to not have unprotected sex with a guy, you're not in a position to reprimand him for failing to take care of yourself. If you do such things on purpose to snare a guy it's even worse.

Anyway, if you two lived in the same country, there may have been some hope to salvage the relationship, but not wanting to have a long distance relationship is not an "excuse". Long distance is a big commitment, an even bigger commitment when it comes to someone you've known for only 2 weeks. It's very unrealistic to expect this. My advice to you is to not get so heavily invested so soon, and to not give up your heart and body so soon.

 

[Wolfskillian]

Your game is basically this: You try to trap a man into committing by being as emotionally intense, affectionate and sexual as early as possible with the hope of manipulating the man into a place where he owes you the same back. You're acting like those much maligned "nice" guys, who expect adoration and sex from women for being nice to them. This keeps backfiring on you as it seems you only manage to give men is an opportunity to lay you fast and a bit of guilt trip afterwards. People have given you much good advice, I don't understand why you keep rebuffing it and singing praises to your intuition. It's not as good as you think it is.

What baffles me is your sense of entitlement, honestly. You act offended that you poured out your heart to this guy and had unprotected sex with him, yet he won't commit. The caveat is that you offered up your heart and body of your own volition. You should have had the self respect to not have unprotected sex with a guy, you're not in a position to reprimand him for failing to take care of yourself. If you do such things on purpose to snare a guy it's even worse.

Anyway, if you two lived in the same country, there may have been some hope to salvage the relationship, but not wanting to have a long distance relationship is not an "excuse". Long distance is a big commitment, an even bigger commitment when it comes to someone you've known for only 2 weeks. It's very unrealistic to expect this. My advice to you is to not get so heavily invested so soon, and to not give up your heart and body so soon.

Well said. Especially about the long-distance part. Speaking from experience, it is rare for it to work out. Sure it can - but it is rare.

 

[cvp12gh5]

 

[Artemisia]

View attachment 25955

Hahaha. Love it!

 

[Artemisia]

Well said. Especially about the long-distance part. Speaking from experience, it is rare for it to work out. Sure it can - but it is rare.

Trust me, when you like someone enough, it works very well. It doesn't work when you are uncertain or you feel like that person isn't great for you. In my field (academia), most people have had long distance relationships/marriages at least for a time.

 

[Artisan]

Trust me, when you like someone enough, it works very well. It doesn't work when you are uncertain or you feel like that person isn't great for you. In my field (academia), most people have had long distance relationships/marriages at least for a time.

You tell us to trust you that; "it works well". Perhaps you believe otherwise in your subconsciousness, because immediately after you follow up with words that insinuate that he is correct.
"Have had" & "for a time". Insinuating that those relationships are no more. Does that then not contradict your assertion that "it works very well" ?

Personally I do not believe in long distance relationships, they work for a short while perhaps and of-course preserve fidelity(in those who are) but they do not allow you to be together with your partner, to share life and experiences together. There are very few who do not grow apart during the absence of their partners or do not meet someone new. That is why a lot of military personnel ends up divorced and/or single too before they get home after a deployment or more.

 

[Artemisia]

You tell us to trust you that; "it works well". Perhaps you believe otherwise in your subconsciousness, because immediately after you follow up with words that insinuate that he is correct.
"Have had" & "for a time". Insinuating that those relationships are no more. Does that then not contradict your assertion that "it works very well" ?

Some of the relationships last while others do not. "Have had" can also refer to long distance relationships from the past, when the people involved are no longer alive. Long distance is not new, as many people might believe.

My great-grandfather moved to the US in the 1920s and left my great-grandmother and the family back home for 2 years. He said he never got the urge to cheat while abroad in the US (where anonymity was possible back then) and neither did she back in Europe. When you have other things to worry about and you have strong morals, you will not cheat, no matter the distance.

Personally I do not believe in long distance relationships, they work for a short while perhaps and of-course preserve fidelity(in those who are) but they do not allow you to be together with your partner, to share life and experiences together. There are very few who do not grow apart during the absence of their partners or do not meet someone new. That is why a lot of military personnel ends up divorced and/or single too before they get home after a deployment or more.

Again, it depends on what people value. Temptation is around everywhere, even if you live in the same village.

 

[Angela]

I've experienced men coming back, after I've moved on. I'm not so sure its as much of, they decide they cant live without you, than, you were into them, they are lonely now, so they will try again. Taking them back in my experience has failed.

I read an article the other day, that if on both sides the answer is not a definitive "Hell Yess!" then you should take it as a no, and move on. Find that mutual hell yes. I think i'm going to try that out for a while and see where that gets me. I mean, until now, I have the same result, and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, to expect a different result, right?

 

[Wolfskillian]

[MENTION=11526]Artemisia[/MENTION]

Why even bother ask for advice when all you do is pick apart what experienced people say only to suit your own ideals set in concrete? You come off as very naive to me. Sorry. Good luck to you anyway.

 

[grt$5vb]

If he made no mention of you being in a committed relationship then you are jumping the gun here and jumping to conclusions to boot. He is likely to be apprehensive about partaking in your company here forward. In my experience, infps can be very off put by how things are worded and jumping to conclusions. It just seems like a rebound for him, thus far, and things moved too quickly for you to handle. He is likely still very hurt and confused by his previous partnership ending. I wouldn't suggest playing games. It will not produce a lasting relationship. Also, facebook stalking... just say no.

Sorry for being so critical. I have made a horse's ass of myself many times. I have tried to construct relationships out of flings. I have found that letting things happen organically instead of forcing out of desperation and loneliness is much healthier. Be good to yourself and make yourself whole. Everything else will fall into place as it should.

 

[Artemisia]

If he made no mention of you being in a committed relationship then you are jumping the gun here and jumping to conclusions to boot. He is likely to be apprehensive about partaking in your company here forward. In my experience, infps can be very off put by how things are worded and jumping to conclusions. It just seems like a rebound for him, thus far, and things moved too quickly for you to handle. He is likely still very hurt and confused by his previous partnership ending. I wouldn't suggest playing games. It will not produce a lasting relationship. Also, facebook stalking... just say no.

Sorry for being so critical. I have made a horse's ass of myself many times. I have tried to construct relationships out of flings. I have found that letting things happen organically instead of forcing out of desperation and loneliness is much healthier. Be good to yourself and make yourself whole. Everything else will fall into place as it should.

I think this is the best advice so far. Yes, I realize he is still hurt from his previous relationship.....it has only been 4 months since they broke up. By the time he comes back to where I live though, it will have been 6 months so he will have cleared him head more.

Also, upon rethinking things, I get the feeling that he may want to be in a female led relationship deep down. I don't know why I get this feeling but we INFJs are usually spot on about these things.

 

[Artisan]

a female led relationship deep down.

Out of curiosity what precisely does an FLR entail according to you ?
Because it feels like you are more likely to be projecting your own hopes and wishes onto him...
You already talked about training men... that indicates a rather strong desire to change someone to your own liking....

Having no idea what exactly it (FLR) meant, and being the curious sort that I am, I googled it. http://www.aboutflr.com/What-Is-FLR.html
After reading the descriptions on that site, it has only further increased the feeling that you simply want a slave/pet/someone to dominate...
I guess its not bad if both agree on it, but you should be upfront about such things if you want a healthy relationship, as It really sounds like you're the one who really wants this.

 

[Artemisia]

OK, update 43 days later. We have become closer and he seems to be opening up about his feelings more. We have now known each other for nearly two months and he has been away for 40 days. We will see each other again in about 40 days.

Throughout December and the holidays, we communicated a good deal and he was very sweet. We talk about everything and recently I told him that I really, really miss him. He replied with the same sentiment. In any case, he seems like a really cool guy who is not a player or a polyamorous type.

My only complaint is that sometimes it takes him days to get in touch with me, and it leaves me questioning where I stand. Granted, I've seen his male friends complain about this too....that they can't reach him sometimes. I don't know whether to take this as he is not that into me or as a personality quirk (I think it is the latter). Are INFP men like this during the dating phase? Why does he contact me a lot for a week and then goes silent for, like, 5 days?

 

[cvp12gh5]

OK, update 43 days later. We have become closer and he seems to be opening up about his feelings more. We have now known each other for nearly two months and he has been away for 40 days. We will see each other again in about 40 days.

Throughout December and the holidays, we communicated a good deal and he was very sweet. We talk about everything and recently I told him that I really, really miss him. He replied with the same sentiment. In any case, he seems like a really cool guy who is not a player or a polyamorous type.

My only complaint is that sometimes it takes him days to get in touch with me, and it leaves me questioning where I stand. Granted, I've seen his male friends complain about this too....that they can't reach him sometimes. I don't know whether to take this as he is not that into me or as a personality quirk (I think it is the latter). Are INFP men like this during the dating phase? Why does he contact me a lot for a week and then goes silent for, like, 5 days?

What kind of work does he do? Is it time consuming? Are these friends of his long-distance friendships or people he hangs out with frequently?

 

[Artemisia]

What kind of work does he do? Is it time consuming? Are these friends of his long-distance friendships or people he hangs out with frequently?

He is a student and is online frequently. Most of his friends are long-distance but some are also people he hangs out with frequently. Sometimes I get the feeling that he is either not in the mood to reply or he doesn't know what to say....or is waiting to craft the perfect response.
Example: recently I replied to one of his messages about a particular TV show. He said he just started watching it and I replied "what did you think? How did you like actor X"? It's been four days now and no reply.

The thing is that I know he does this with people to whom he is close. Sometimes it feels like he is taking it all for granted.

 

[cvp12gh5]

He is a student and is online frequently. Most of his friends are long-distance but some are also people he hangs out with frequently. Sometimes I get the feeling that he is either not in the mood to reply or he doesn't know what to say....or is waiting to craft the perfect response.
Example: recently I replied to one of his messages about a particular TV show. He said he just started watching it and I replied "what did you think? How did you like actor X"? It's been four days now and no reply.

The thing is that I know he does this with people to whom he is close. Sometimes it feels like he is taking it all for granted.

Have you discussed and agreed upon what type of relationship you are in? (Exclusive, dating but dating others, friendship...)

 

[Artemisia]

He has not given me reason to assume he is seeing others (or that he got back with his ex). He is increasingly becoming closer to his male friends (has a lot of female friends too, but mostly males recently).

The thing is that he's been good overall and probably a lot better than the guys I've dated these past two years. Still, something about his demonstrable level of interest is not making me feel secure or happy at the moment. Perhaps I expect too much too soon (it's been less than 2 months), which is something I have been accused of before, but I find that INFJ intuition can be very strong in these instances.

 

[KorJax]

My only complaint is that sometimes it takes him days to get in touch with me, and it leaves me questioning where I stand. Granted, I've seen his male friends complain about this too....that they can't reach him sometimes. I don't know whether to take this as he is not that into me or as a personality quirk (I think it is the latter). Are INFP men like this during the dating phase? Why does he contact me a lot for a week and then goes silent for, like, 5 days?

I think this is common for some people. I have an ENFP friend I was into for a while. It was hard to get into contact with him at all for periods of time, which made me question where I stood as a friend (or more). Other friends noticed he could also kind of just be hard to get ahold of for a period of time. After such periods he'd be chatty and involved all over again. Learned that he still thought of me really close, wasn't sure why I was upset and felt hurt that he had inadvertently upset me.

For ENFP's at least, when they are into someone new & exciting it's 110% attention all the time before eventually they might settle down a little and you start experiencing their "normal behavior", which can involve a bit of aloofness. At least in my experience. I've learned to think of moments like these as him recharging his batteries against me from a need to experience different people or things, kind of like how I need to shut out people I am close to every now and then for me time to recharge my batteries.