Getting too Emotionally Attached. | INFJ Forum

Getting too Emotionally Attached.

Raccoon Love

Raccoon Love

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Sep 20, 2009
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Does anyone here have the problem that once they get to know someone deeply, it is very hard to let go of that person even though such thing must be done? This has been a problem to me for a long time, Friendships take an extreme amount of time for me, to the point where they take forever to grow, but once I cultivate one it ends up breaking right afterwards do to circumstances and this hurts me a lot, and I still want to be with that person I got the chance to connect with but I'm unable to ask any sort of information such as email or phone number due to my shyness, its like a point where you get emotionally attached to a person yet you don't feel ready enough to go beyond just simple everyday communication. I can get very depressed after this considering the fact that for me to make a friend it takes ages and it turns out to be a concidence that the 2 or 3 I only had turn out to leave right at that point.
 
Raccoon love my friend :hug: for you.

See, i don't mind getting emotionally attached with someone. It is natural, we are human, we have feelings. But we should keep our friends free from everything. We should offer them time and space. You know, freedom makes friendship more strong. You are thinking to let go them because you are feeling lack of time and space. Take some time from them and then get back.

Remember, true friendship is second name of trust. So take care of them.
 
Racoon it is so difficult. Friendship takes so much time to build. Dont get me wrong it is worth it so much. I used to really idealize my friends. I would think they are so amazing and I am so lucky to have them as friends. I still think this way with many of my friends. I know longer idealize them too much. I am grateful to have them as friends but I also know that they are fortunate to have me as a friend as well.

I think that once you realize your worth and cultivate some confidence. You will find that people are drawn to you. Friends are very important. It gets easier as you get older it really does.

You are a terrific person and I so hope that you see this. Once you know this is true making friends will get easier.
 
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Sadly, I have had far more "goodbyes" than "hellos" in my life. I am therefore quite good at saying goodbye and have learned to hold these precious friendships very lightly as people's destinies tend to lie elsewhere. It is my place only to travel alongside for what seems a brief moment or two.

I also have seen that I myself am not so very important in the grand scheme of things. This might seem a depressing thought, but it is really rather liberating as I feel free to engage in deep friendships with fewer assumptions.

I have had some lovely friends over the years....and I am proud to have played a small part in their persuit of their life's calling and mission. Still, parting does bring some sadness, doesn't it. One must live with that, too.
 
yes... it's hard... i used to have a really really best friend and we do things together.. we go to summer classes together.. we call each other everyday!! we buy things together... we buy the same things together... we watch the same things... we text like every second... we can't do things alone.... we never walked alone in school.. we were ALWAYS together

and... something happened we were 6 in our group.. but we were the closest and.. yes something happened our group split and even we split... it's depressing.. because we've been like friends forever for about 5-6 years and..... that was the start of me feeling alone...

and until now... I don't have that kind of friendship anymore...

and that's why i'm afraid to get too emotionally attached.. it was hard at first but i got used to it because I know it's not that easy to build that kind of friendship again.. so... for now, I'm trying to learn how to be more independent and to be happy because I AM HAPPY and not because of others :) ... so that eventually.. when I get to meet a friend like that, I know myself better and I can be independent even when that friend wouldn't be with me :) :)
 
I am too sick and tired of the B.S. that goes along with having friends to want any anymore.

Instead I keep good aquaintances - with just enough arm's-length distance to be able to have peace, quiet and solitude when I need it.
 
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Raccoon Love said:
.... once I cultivate one it ends up breaking right afterwards do to circumstances and this hurts me a lot, and I still want to be with that person I got the chance to connect with ....
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you don't mean it's due to a fight, do you? or something that can't be helped like moving away



lately i have noticed myself believing that if it is meant to be you will find the person again in the future. it has happened to me every once in a blue moon. plus it's important the feelings are reciprocated. i have done my part and the other person has the chance to do theirs --if they do it, then i'll be there. if not, i have to let it go. i've been on my own for a while now so it doesn't hit me as much as i expected. recently there was a guy i met, the feeling you get when you meet someone who is like you, like infj forum i guess, you don't feel alone anymore but he had to go back to his country. we didn't exchange e-mail but if he wants mine, he can actually find it.. so it is up to him.. i don't think he felt the same way though, so i didn't ask for his email directly. i am just going by what he will do. i don't know if it is the wisest choice.
 
Flavus Aquila said:
I am too sick and tired of the B.S. that goes along with having friends to want any anymore.

Instead I keep good aquaintances - with just enough arm's-length distance to be able to have peace, quiet and solitude when I need it.
Click to expand...

i think this is my favourite kind of person :sing:

my best experiences with people have been where we live in the same building --we don't really have long deep conversations. we just do groceries together, have a quiet lunch, sit around with a set of watercolours etc and it's really, really nice.
i have read a lot on this forum people like to have deep, meaningful relationships but compared to relationships i've had with people where i've shared a lot of myself, this was many times better than that. there's no emotional baggage, dependency etc. they don't expect to hear your secrets or whole life story, your woes, your achievements etc --they are just there to spend good time with. and i think it's the most meaningful than any of my relationships. i always leave feeling much better about myself and life in general. and they have been the only ones who (indirectly) solve all the woes of my daily life experiences.
 
Maetel said:
i think this is my favourite kind of person :sing:

my best experiences with people have been where we live in the same building --we don't really have long deep conversations. we just do groceries together, have a quiet lunch, sit around with a set of watercolours etc and it's really, really nice.
i have read a lot on this forum people like to have deep, meaningful relationships but compared to relationships i've had with people where i've shared a lot of myself, this was many times better than that. there's no emotional baggage, dependency etc. they don't expect to hear your secrets or whole life story, your woes, your achievements etc --they are just there to spend good time with. and i think it's the most meaningful than any of my relationships. i always leave feeling much better about myself and life in general. and they have been the only ones who (indirectly) solve all the woes of my daily life experiences.
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Exactly - this forum functions as an outlet for the need to connect with people on a meaningful or fun way. On the other hand, the people I actually spend time with are for company, not friendship.
 
Raccoon Love said:
Does anyone here have the problem that once they get to know someone deeply, it is very hard to let go of that person even though such thing must be done? This has been a problem to me for a long time, Friendships take an extreme amount of time for me, to the point where they take forever to grow, but once I cultivate one it ends up breaking right afterwards do to circumstances and this hurts me a lot, and I still want to be with that person I got the chance to connect with but I'm unable to ask any sort of information such as email or phone number due to my shyness, its like a point where you get emotionally attached to a person yet you don't feel ready enough to go beyond just simple everyday communication. I can get very depressed after this considering the fact that for me to make a friend it takes ages and it turns out to be a concidence that the 2 or 3 I only had turn out to leave right at that point.
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raccoon, you know what my advise is?

ask them if they want to stay in touch. Get over your fear and ask it. Pretent that it is an experiment and that the outcome doen't mean anything. It is an only win situation. If you don't ask them you want see them again. But when you do ask you have the chance to keep in touch and than you know that they value you as well. There are a lot of people that are affraid to ask this, maybe your friends as well and than everybody assumes and nobody asks, pritty dumb situation isn't it?
Don't ask for a telephone number or email adress. Ask if they want to stay in touch and they will give you there number. I'm sure they will!! I have done it several times with the fear in my shoes and every time, surprisingly they where delighted for me to ask!
 
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For the past 8 years of my life, I've never been anywhere longer than 1.5 years. I've been telling people goodbye for a long time... and it never gets easier.

What I ended up doing when I was in my mid-20s was put up walls to make sure I couldn't get close to people so it wouldn't hurt as much when I left the next time. That just go me more loneliness - I don't recommend this.
 
Flavus Aquila said:
I am too sick and tired of the B.S. that goes along with having friends to want any anymore.

Instead I keep good aquaintances - with just enough arm's-length distance to be able to have peace, quiet and solitude when I need it.
Click to expand...
This is what I do.
 
Flavus Aquila said:
I am too sick and tired of the B.S. that goes along with having friends to want any anymore.

Instead I keep good acquaintances - with just enough arm's-length distance to be able to have peace, quiet and solitude when I need it.
Click to expand...

Just chiming in here to say "I do this too." But it's the INFJ way - a few confidants, the rest are just acquaintances.
 
The measure of a man is not defined by the number of his friends.
 
I noticed one thing is that a lot of you are typing that you would actually perfer to have ''acquaintancies'' and just be left alone most of the time, but most of you have commented to have friends and that it bothers you however my scenerio is different I have No friends r even acquaintancies, I don't know what the feeling of that is and therefore I feel lonely, I don't know what it is like for a friend to bother me or that I don't need any because I never actually experienced having one in the first place. I have had at least 3 ''buddies'' in my life which most people meet those daily, however when I am about to cultivate friendship it never works out and it is simply because of matters of destiny not that I start a fight or say anything wrong. many of you are implying I might be obsses with having someone there, I'm not, but one can't help but feel lonely after such long time. I do like my privacy, I do like my alone time, but I feel I don't have a balance, I been alone most of my life and even a heavy introverted person like me might need somebody to be just there after so many years of solitude.
 
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By all means Raccoon if you feel attached, it means you like them.. You should go ahead and ask them. Or you can do it in an indirect way, I find it much easier.. ask them if they have Facebook (lol). Myspace. I used to have a website before and I'd send it around like a business card.. If they are interested in you likewise, they know where to find you. It's always a risk to form of friendships, but you have 50/50 chance to make one always.


I think what I wrote earlier is a bit off.. I understand the kind of acquaintance you might have as a neighbour or colleague, someone you hang out with but I think maybe there are different levels.. I have met some that are a lot higher than that but not close enough to be called a friend and recently, one even higher. Even some of my teachers are like that -it would just be nice if they were my age. Usually what I find is there is one side of them I really like but the other side is too unbearable so if we leave each other, it doesn't bother one too much..

I think the only reason why I don't feel lonely all the time is because I live with family at the moment and they don't give me 100% privacy so I always get to feel better when I am by myself. But I know what it's like, Raccoon. I admit to having zero as well. Plus my mind is too occupied with other things..
 
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I know this well. It is rare, but when I do become attached to someone, I will do everything in my power to allow it to work so I can stay attached. The frusterating part for me is that I will logically and cognitively be able to see that I can't remain attached to someone, but emotionally I can not convince myself. I end up fighting with myself in some way the whole time, and that in itself is draining. I have learned though the hard way several times. In one case, a very very hard way. The good thing is if you see this now, then you become very aware of when you do need to let go of something, so if it does begin to become harmful, you can forsee a need to let go, it will be easier. There is a danger though. Learning too hard can cause one to never be able to attach in the first place. Keep an eye out for that. Like everything in this world, it takes balence.
 
Another problem I can relate to.. >_<

Sometimes it works like the way told in posts above, but ones I experienced more works in a different way; it's when you finally said goodbye, or simply drifting away from each other but still found yourself wanting to interact, wanting to reconnect, wanting to.... you know, talk to them.

While your cognitive mind knows that it would make things worse / won't change anything, therefore not a really good or healthy thing to do. (of course, there's hope and risk and chances, but younger me don't really believe on that)

It's hard separating yourself once you're attached. A friend of mine (INTP?INTJ?) I used to be really, REALLY close to the point of tailing her went to college, and it took some kind of detachment to finally get away from that vicious cycle of wanting to talk with her but having nothing to talk about. :( Now I still want to rekindle the friendship, tho...

I sometimes agreed with the "acquintances with arms length" part; sometimes it's simply fun hanging out with people who don't know your woes and dirty laundries... yet at times I feel empty.
 
Raccoon Love said:
Does anyone here have the problem that once they get to know someone deeply, it is very hard to let go of that person even though such thing must be done? This has been a problem to me for a long time, Friendships take an extreme amount of time for me, to the point where they take forever to grow, but once I cultivate one it ends up breaking right afterwards do to circumstances and this hurts me a lot, and I still want to be with that person I got the chance to connect with but I'm unable to ask any sort of information such as email or phone number due to my shyness, its like a point where you get emotionally attached to a person yet you don't feel ready enough to go beyond just simple everyday communication. I can get very depressed after this considering the fact that for me to make a friend it takes ages and it turns out to be a concidence that the 2 or 3 I only had turn out to leave right at that point.
Click to expand...

Well on the inside I never let go, nor do I plan to. So if ur really awesome better not let me know! But externally I'm the master of letting go, assuming that I make the decision of doing so. Sometimes I'll have to cope and cope and cope, but I'll do it on my own.
 
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