How do you see that someone is actually commited in a relationship?
You can never see it. You can only hope. At least that's my thinking. People have so many agendas even for loving someone else.
And how do you know that you are?
I knew with that person from the very beginning. I knew through all my reservations about who they really were but persisted. I kept on hoping .. they stopped caring
@Deleted member 16771 Well no shit I'm not courageous. Also if i don't feel like it's the right moment I won't do it. He ignored my last message,didn't wirte me at all and i should just casually write him oh btw i like you?? You actually remind me a lot of my 31 (i think) yo INTJ ''friend'', he literally talks the same. Same approach I think it's hilarous
Lol don't do that. Hahahaha. He'll run away from you. (Or in some odd cases he'd try to gravitate to you-then that's weird). Try testing the waters. Confess casually. I sort of have a thing for you, do we do this or not? You can try to build it slowly too, see if he reacts to heavier flirting. Just be ready about where it goes.
Actually just these past few years, I was in the exact situation as you. I was "friends" with someone for a couple of years and by friends that meant, we went up mountains together, we texted each other until dawn, we told each other heavy secrets, we watched movies together, ah we even camped together-- lol he even told me I was one of the most important people in his life. But then I waited for him to pursue me and it never happened. Out of the blue, he was beginning to pursue someone else and then I confessed. Of course it was too late --- there was someone else. Of course I was rejected. The odd thing was that we had a really hard time getting out of each others' lives after that. There were a lot of issues and events. So he rejected me but we both struggled so hard to live a life without each other. I honestly think he has struggled more than I did ---- I found this forum and so many other good things happened to me so it's all good.
Anyway my point is, you are setting yourself up for pain. You are planting yourself deeply in the grey area while he doesn't even know anything about it. The chance of you falling deeper and deeper in love is already happening right under your nose and you'd wake up soon terribly missing him and wanting him to love you - so yeah that's awkward and weird.
Now even if you feel deeply for him, my advise is to play it chill and scope it out early in the game before you go ahead and quietly fall for him or decide that he's not even worth this shit and just be friends.
With the way you are responding and the effort you have put to this thread, it's safe to say he is definitely on your mind.
My take is that, while he's available, pitch him the idea. If he says no, good (stay away for awhile to heal) then be good friends with a clear cut understanding of what you are. Or give him a bit of time and he might say yes. just be cool about it. Don't go obsessive. Hehe.
Confess confidently. Don't make it an issue. Be cool about it.
I surely confessed that way but the hard part was that he stuck to me too much after that while I on the other hand, slammed the door on him. I was disappointed that he didn't give me space. Pft. That meant he had zero considerations for my feelings and my confession was really as cool as I had done it. In hindsight, i told him I need space but he disagreed -in the beginning of course- that's when I was forced to show him that I was in it deeper than I let him in on so he really has to hate himself and let me go.
In your case, distance could be your ally. Just go for it. If you're cool about it, just go for it. No part of me regrets any of the pain we went through after that because at least now we are living in the truth.
Confessing is not a big thing. i mean it is but it doesn't have to be. You can think of it as just letting the truth out and trying to manage it. I say do it before you fall too deep.
You really have to decide. If you decide to never tell him to stay friends then that's okay. But realize, you may also lose that one chance to be with someone you really like. But think closely. Is he really worth all that secrecy? You decide now. This isn't about him having feelings for you. It's about you having feelings for him.
@Deleted member 16771 Well no shit I'm not courageous. Also if i don't feel like it's the right moment I won't do it. He ignored my last message,didn't wirte me at all and i should just casually write him oh btw i like you?? You actually remind me a lot of my 31 (i think) yo INTJ ''friend'', he literally talks the same. Same approach I think it's hilarous
Yeah but that's sooo rare. Honestly idk if i ever felt that we both have it.
How do you see that someone is actually commited in a relationship? And how do you know that you are? Can't imagine it takes 15 years
How do you see that someone is actually commited in a relationship?
You can never see it. You can only hope. At least that's my thinking. People have so many agendas even for loving someone else.
And how do you know that you are?
I knew with that person from the very beginning. I knew through all my reservations about who they really were but persisted. I kept on hoping .. they stopped caring
Or you can make it work. Recognize that you are connected at the onset and then propagate that. The right ones will work it out with you. If they give up then it's not right. Simple. Guys, don't hold out on your lives. Life is too short for doubting.
The right ones will work it out with you. If they give up then it's not right. Simple. Guys, don't hold out on your lives. Life is too short for doubting.
20 / 20 hindsight and all that .. also when you are in the middle of it all, it's very hard to see the forest for the trees. I think you want to believe it will work, you are putting in the effort, and even though they may not be you foolishly think they will come around to your way of thinking.
If you ever start thinking "if only I / we / they would...." then that's a key indicator for me now that it is time to separate myself from that person and take a time out to evaluate the relationship from a different perspective.
@mintoots He doesn't like me like that, why would i confess if I'm 99% sure he will say no. If he starts writing me again and we start seeing each other then yea i will tell him, if not then we are pretty much done as far as I'm understanding his approach. There is a possibility we won't talk anymore. I wrote him,said we should go out..he's the one that messed it up.
He was kinda ''all in'' did everything for me and then he disappeard from social media (almost). Its weird.
Anyway... It's suppose to be simple with the right person... and it felt simple, it felt like we both like each other.. for a short period of time.
@Ren well not exactly. I asked if he wants to go out this week and he said sure are u free all week? and i said yeah and then we talked for a while and he ignored my last random message that was just a reply to one of his questions... had nothing to do with going out.
He's ISFJ and yeah you're right even tho i find all Ts amusing I just can't understand them properly it feels like. My brother is an INTP and ...same issues. He constatly says i have no clue about taking hints in flirting and I'm a wuss.. welp I definitely disagree!
In a certain sense it is simple, though. The reason you're not texting him is that you're afraid of rejection. I'm not judging, I'm almost certain I would be the same as you.
It's important though to figure out whether you've been getting better in the last few days or if you're still spending a lot of time thinking about him. If you're still thinking about him a lot and it doesn't appear to be evolving in the right direction then it might be worth considering texting him and putting an end to this uncertainty. It all depends whether you experience it as uncertainty and whether you deal with it okay or not. If you genuinely experience it as certainty (i.e. that he's not interested) then it's fine I suppose.
Just be careful not to wallow too much in your projection and idealisation of him.
@Ren Yes I still think about him a lot and I'm trying to be ok with the fact that there might never be anything between us... going with the flow and focus on other stuff in my life and not on him.
I might text him, but he is so much different than in person...
Important to understand. I'm sure he's an okay guy and one that you'd like to date but he's not the savior of the human race. Putting people on pedestals is a bad habit. I am guilty of doing it too so I don't intend to this to be a judgement.
From my perspective it looks like your in a loop. You're Ni/Ti looping and skipping your extroverted function which is how you communicate and interact with the world. Thinking more about the whole scenario is not going to resolve your emotional pain of living in limbo.
From my perspective you have 2 options:
Do something - This will feel gross because it'll expose your feelings. I'd suggest a text "I'd like to go on a Date, are you interested?". Long term this will totally resolve your want of knowing or not knowing. This is a growth moment I'd put myself out there and have faith that my intuition is right. Good or Bad this is the most efficient way to solve this problem. The only caveat that I'd say should be a pause to this course of action is if you will see this guy on a regular basis because of work, school, or social circle.
Do nothing - Wait. Continue the cycle. Resentment and more pain is very likely to go on if this continues. There good chance this will become a missed opportunity. There is also a good chance that he may like you and is too afraid to make the first move. As a Male INFJ often times when younger hesitated and took WAY tooooo long to ask girls out. I'm sure I've missed out on romantic opportunities along the way.
One of the things about these types of situations I think is important to think about is that placing the power for your own happiness with someone else is a bad move. Yes there is a chance that he'll say no. But if you're gonna wait it out and potentially write him off if he takes too long you're still losing his friendship. My advice is to start taking ownership for your own mental health and happiness.
My question to you is would you rather speed this up or drag this out?
Oh I beg your pardon. Yes you did say he was ISFJ.
I suppose you could always make a physical move if you have the courage for that. Touch him and look into his eyes or something the next time you hang out. Give him some sparks. Seduce the boy!
You don't even have to do all this agonising over whether he likes you or not, just put yourself in that category. Act all girly. Call him manly. Y'know, dumb caveman shit.
Pounce, girl!
Rub your ass against his crotch. Grope his back. Lick his ears and cup his balls. Borderline molestation - whatever you do, just do something, God damnit!
Good question. Well asking him out won't solve anything.. He's asked me out quite a few times and nothing happened, I'm sure it would be the same again... and no there's NO WAY i would tell him i like him in person.
Pff easy peasy. No but actually, that was my next move, IF ofcourse he would actually accept my offer to go out and wouldn't act so dumb.
And feels weird asking him to go out AGAIN... right ?!
Pff easy peasy. No but actually, that was my next move, IF ofcourse he would actually accept my offer to go out and wouldn't act so dumb.
And feels weird asking him to go out AGAIN... right ?!
GOOD, just don't go straight in with the ball cupping - you'll get a puzzled look minimum.
Hunt this boy!
I think you've done what you can, then. The ball(s) are in his court. Just remember that you are the prize, too - it's up to him to seize the opportunity you've presented him with. Maybe all you can do is wait and hope that his dumb ass has picked up the signals.
I think it's hilarous
