[INFJ] Friends or something more?

[BlackHorse]

Hey everyone,
He (25, ISFJ) invites me (F, 22, INFJ/P) out about 1-2 times a week to ''hang out'', we eat something, go for walks etc. A lot of times I'm the one who starts texting him but he usually continues for 2-3 hours and we talk a lot on Messenger and in person. I have to mention: We've known each other for about 4 years now, hung out on and off with the same group of friends. Then we haven't talked to each other for 1-2 years, and now we got really close in the past month.
My question is, does a guy ever put so much effort into maintaining a relationship with a girl if the only thing he wants with her is just a platonic friendship?
Thanks for reading!

 

[Asa]

Hi Blackhorse. Welcome. Um...

does a guy ever put so much effort into maintaining a relationship with a girl if the only thing he wants with her is just a platonic friendship?

Yes, because men are human beings and value friendships.


That said, from the information I have about your interactions, it sounds like he is interested, or at least testing the waters. It sounds like it is realllllly slow going, though.

What happens if you don't text him?

 

[BlackHorse]

@Asa I won't write him, we will see Last contact was about 15 hours ago.

 

[Bird]

If you're interested I recommend just asking him if you can take him on a date.

I'm not very good at reading minds so I can't give you any insight on what he
is actually thinking in regards to you. This is why I suggest asking.

 

[sassafras]

Hey everyone,
He (25, ISFJ) invites me (F, 22, INFJ/P) out about 1-2 times a week to ''hang out'', we eat something, go for walks etc. A lot of times I'm the one who starts texting him but he usually continues for 2-3 hours and we talk a lot on Messenger and in person. I have to mention: We've known each other for about 4 years now, hung out on and off with the same group of friends. Then we haven't talked to each other for 1-2 years, and now we got really close in the past month.
My question is, does a guy ever put so much effort into maintaining a relationship with a girl if the only thing he wants with her is just a platonic friendship?
Thanks for reading!

Everything you just described is something that normal friends do with each other, male or female. If there’s interest, there’s usually something more to simply the time and attention.

Are you asking because you’ve developed feelings for him and are hoping he feels the same, or are you just worried you’re giving him the wrong impression?

 

[BlackHorse]

@sassafras I've developed feelings and I find him attractive, but I don't wanna be in a relationship with him if that makes sense. I really love him as a close friend and like you said, I don't wanna give him the wrong impression. Hopefully he only sees me as a friend as well. I really don't wanna lose him.

 

[sassafras]

@sassafras I've developed feelings and I find him attractive, but I don't wanna be in a relationship with him if that makes sense. I really love him as a close friend and like you said, I don't wanna give him the wrong impression. Hopefully he only sees me as a friend as well. I really don't wanna lose him.

It makes sense. The only thing you can do to keep those feelings at bay is to refocus some of that attention you give him on guy you'd actually like to date. Nip the feelings in the bud before they run out ahead of you.

What has given you the impression that he may have more than friendly feelings for you? Is this just you projecting your hopes/fears? Or has something happened?

 

[BlackHorse]

@sassafras We were hanging out with friends and after he asked if I wanna go for a walk alone even tho we spent already 4 hours together and he had work the next day, we stayed there till 11pm. And yeah nothing happend that would directly indicate his feelings for me. He does give me a lot of attention and his time, but you're right... could be only friendly feelings. It's just that people usually say that guys don't give you that much attention unless they want something more.

 

[David54]

in a word, yes. He is interested in a deeper relationship developing. Of course, I say that because if I was that person I would do that, so take it with a bit of salt

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Hmm... I agree with @Asa and @sassafras here: this sounds like a close friendship.

The thing is, female company is very 'comfortable' to many men; it's easy to spend a lot of time with them in a way that's different to male-male friendships. There's nothing odd about the time spent.

There doesn't have to be romantic intent for the gendered dynamic to persist, but there's always the risk of things suddenly sparking up.

My guess is that this friendship is in a very liminal phase - there's a high level of tension here (definitely from you, not sure if he'll feel it), and if you both find each other attractive then it could 'tip'. I don't think he's 'in love with you' right now, but you are easily capable of pushing him into suddenly falling for you if you give him any overt signals.

Basically, the answer is yes and no, to an equal degree - that doesn't mean the situation is in balance, but in tension. Give him an overt signal that you're 'just friends' - talk about another guy that you find attractive. If you already have a feeling that this would wound him, then yeah he wants you; otherwise his feelings will decline if they have been growing for you.

 

[slant]

Hey everyone,
He (25, ISFJ) invites me (F, 22, INFJ/P) out about 1-2 times a week to ''hang out'', we eat something, go for walks etc. A lot of times I'm the one who starts texting him but he usually continues for 2-3 hours and we talk a lot on Messenger and in person. I have to mention: We've known each other for about 4 years now, hung out on and off with the same group of friends. Then we haven't talked to each other for 1-2 years, and now we got really close in the past month.
My question is, does a guy ever put so much effort into maintaining a relationship with a girl if the only thing he wants with her is just a platonic friendship?
Thanks for reading!

If you want something more it's your duty to break the ice and bring it up and see how he responds.

If that's what YOU want.

You got to get it out of the way as soon as possible. If he rejects your offer and just wants to be friends, accept that and if you can't, split ways.

This whole "do they don't they" mental game is mostly just a way to have a fantasy without the actual risk of getting hurt. Hurt is a part of life though, so it's better to clarify your intentions and see how he responds as opposed to waiting and wondering.

 

[Asa]

It's fine for @BlackHorse to wait and see and not make an overt move if that is what Blackhorse wants. Romances, or attempts at romance (like admitting your crush when the other person doesn't feel the same way) can end friendships. Sometimes even when there is romantic tension it is best not to act on it because you can't see something working long-term and the friendship is more important.

If the risk is worth it – go for it.
If you'd rather wait and see because keeping him as a friend is more important, do that.
Sometimes friendships can get past this, sometimes not.


If you wait on texting him and he doesn't contact you that is not a good sign.

 

[BlackHorse]

@Asa thats exactly my thinking. I love him and our friendship too much to act on my romantic feelings.. I mean.. why would I even, if I don't want an actual relationship with him.
Yeah I guess we will see about texting.

 

[Cornerstone]

There's a lot of good advice here but the only way to be sure is to keep a close eye on his Spotify activity and what colour clothes he wears.

But actually, the other advice is good. It's not necessarily so. I have female friends who I had no intention of getting closer to until we did (oops) and, even with the one where nothing transpired, it didn't end the friendship entirely. I mean, the reality is that these friendships have an expiry date because I'll never meet their future boyfriends etc but it's not necessarily an all or nothing thing.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

There's a lot of good advice here but the only way to be sure is to keep a close eye on his Spotify activity and what colour clothes he wears.

Lmao. High level callback.

 

[acd]

There's a lot of good advice here but the only way to be sure is to keep a close eye on his Spotify activity and what colour clothes he wears.

Well played lolol!

 

[BlackHorse]

I don't know if I should open a new thread but since it's the same topic I will just continue here.
So a l lot has happened. As predicted (or not lol) I fell in love with him. He wrote me and invited me out maybe 3 or 4 times and ofc i couldn't help but completely fall for him. Everything went so smooth, he seemed interested (lots of eye contact, smiling, physical contact and flirting) but then again at some points he seemed a bit off (or maybe I'm just overthinking the whole process again). Anyway, we last saw eachother about 10 days ago. I wrote him once in between if he wants to meet, he said sure, we wrote for a bit and then he just ignored my last message and never replied or wrote me again. That was 6 days ago. And now I have no idea what happened or what to do next. He means a lot to me. It's true that he's online on facebook every 15 hours lately and I don't know what's going on. Should I just move on? I really wanna write him again but I don't wanna seem pushy or needy. I keep telling mysef that if he's interested he will write me, but that hope is basically dead. What person at their right mind doesn't wite someone they like in 10 days.
Thanks for reading guys

 

[Daustus]

Be patient. We are near the end of the holiday black hole. If you don't hear anything by end of the week ask how his Holiday and New year's went.

I would also try to mention having feelings for him somewhere in the near future. Don't rush it but work that in soon.

 

[Asa]

There's a lot of good advice here but the only way to be sure is to keep a close eye on his Spotify activity and what colour clothes he wears.

Iz ded.

I don't know if I should open a new thread but since it's the same topic I will just continue here.
So a l lot has happened. As predicted (or not lol) I fell in love with him. He wrote me and invited me out maybe 3 or 4 times and ofc i couldn't help but completely fall for him. Everything went so smooth, he seemed interested (lots of eye contact, smiling, physical contact and flirting) but then again at some points he seemed a bit off (or maybe I'm just overthinking the whole process again). Anyway, we last saw eachother about 10 days ago. I wrote him once in between if he wants to meet, he said sure, we wrote for a bit and then he just ignored my last message and never replied or wrote me again. That was 6 days ago. And now I have no idea what happened or what to do next. He means a lot to me. It's true that he's online on facebook every 15 hours lately and I don't know what's going on. Should I just move on? I really wanna write him again but I don't wanna seem pushy or needy. I keep telling mysef that if he's interested he will write me, but that hope is basically dead. What person at their right mind doesn't wite someone they like in 10 days.
Thanks for reading guys

Just text him. If he ignores it, tells you he isn't interested, or acts disinterested, move on. Personally, I'd consider it over if a man I had been dating took that long to communicate or make plans.

BTW, Cornerstone's advice we're all laughing at is a forum joke, not about you.

 

[BlackHorse]

@Daustus I don't think I would ever tell him. I only told one guy in my life that I like him and well, didn't go as planned lol. And I really felt like he likes me as well. So after that I promised myself I would never do it again, especially if I'm risking a friendship in the process.

I plan to write him on 31st ...I guess.. I know he has his hands full with all the holidays and stuff but I don't even know if i should keep trying.

@Asa yeah I figured about the joke xD