[INFJ] - Friends or something more? | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] Friends or something more?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by BlackHorse, Dec 3, 2019.

Share This Page

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 4 users.
More threads by BlackHorse
  1. BlackHorse

    BlackHorse Newbie

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2018
    Threads:
    3
    Messages:
    26
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    113
    Trophy Points:
    887
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Hey everyone,
    He (25, ISFJ) invites me (F, 22, INFJ/P) out about 1-2 times a week to ''hang out'', we eat something, go for walks etc. A lot of times I'm the one who starts texting him but he usually continues for 2-3 hours and we talk a lot on Messenger and in person. I have to mention: We've known each other for about 4 years now, hung out on and off with the same group of friends. Then we haven't talked to each other for 1-2 years, and now we got really close in the past month.
    My question is, does a guy ever put so much effort into maintaining a relationship with a girl if the only thing he wants with her is just a platonic friendship?
    Thanks for reading!
     
    Pin and Will like this.
  2. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2015
    Threads:
    76
    Messages:
    5,154
    Featured Threads:
    23
    Likes Received:
    28,147
    Trophy Points:
    1,956
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Hi Blackhorse. Welcome. Um...


    Yes, because men are human beings and value friendships.


    That said, from the information I have about your interactions, it sounds like he is interested, or at least testing the waters. It sounds like it is realllllly slow going, though.

    What happens if you don't text him?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  3. OP
    BlackHorse

    BlackHorse Newbie

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2018
    Threads:
    3
    Messages:
    26
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    113
    Trophy Points:
    887
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    @Asa I won't write him, we will see :) Last contact was about 15 hours ago.
     
  4. Bird

    Bird Happy Go Lucky

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2010
    Threads:
    120
    Messages:
    6,172
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    3,056
    Trophy Points:
    878
    MBTI:
    -
    Enneagram:
    -
    If you're interested I recommend just asking him if you can take him on a date.

    I'm not very good at reading minds so I can't give you any insight on what he
    is actually thinking in regards to you. This is why I suggest asking.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Will, Hostarius and BlackHorse like this.
  5. sassafras

    sassafras Oprah Wind Fury

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2009
    Threads:
    172
    Messages:
    14,049
    Featured Threads:
    7
    Likes Received:
    40,662
    Trophy Points:
    2,376
    MBTI:
    .
    Everything you just described is something that normal friends do with each other, male or female. If there’s interest, there’s usually something more to simply the time and attention.

    Are you asking because you’ve developed feelings for him and are hoping he feels the same, or are you just worried you’re giving him the wrong impression?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Will, Hostarius and BlackHorse like this.
  6. OP
    BlackHorse

    BlackHorse Newbie

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2018
    Threads:
    3
    Messages:
    26
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    113
    Trophy Points:
    887
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    @sassafras I've developed feelings and I find him attractive, but I don't wanna be in a relationship with him if that makes sense. I really love him as a close friend and like you said, I don't wanna give him the wrong impression. Hopefully he only sees me as a friend as well. I really don't wanna lose him.
     
    Will and Hostarius like this.
  7. sassafras

    sassafras Oprah Wind Fury

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2009
    Threads:
    172
    Messages:
    14,049
    Featured Threads:
    7
    Likes Received:
    40,662
    Trophy Points:
    2,376
    MBTI:
    .
    It makes sense. The only thing you can do to keep those feelings at bay is to refocus some of that attention you give him on guy you'd actually like to date. Nip the feelings in the bud before they run out ahead of you.

    What has given you the impression that he may have more than friendly feelings for you? Is this just you projecting your hopes/fears? Or has something happened?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Will and Hostarius like this.
  8. OP
    BlackHorse

    BlackHorse Newbie

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2018
    Threads:
    3
    Messages:
    26
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    113
    Trophy Points:
    887
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    @sassafras We were hanging out with friends and after he asked if I wanna go for a walk alone even tho we spent already 4 hours together and he had work the next day, we stayed there till 11pm. And yeah nothing happend that would directly indicate his feelings for me. He does give me a lot of attention and his time, but you're right... could be only friendly feelings. It's just that people usually say that guys don't give you that much attention unless they want something more.
     
    Will, sassafras and Hostarius like this.
  9. Aneirin

    Aneirin plotting a new course
    Donor

    Joined:
    May 29, 2011
    Threads:
    13
    Messages:
    1,902
    Likes Received:
    1,793
    Trophy Points:
    792
    MBTI:
    infj
    Enneagram:
    type 2
    in a word, yes. He is interested in a deeper relationship developing. Of course, I say that because if I was that person I would do that, so take it with a bit of salt
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Will, Hostarius and BlackHorse like this.
  10. Hostarius

    Hostarius I N I T I U M

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2018
    Threads:
    27
    Messages:
    8,870
    Featured Threads:
    12
    Likes Received:
    63,909
    Trophy Points:
    4,032
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    UK, a part of the EU
    MBTI:
    INTJ
    Enneagram:
    1w2
    Hmm... I agree with @Asa and @sassafras here: this sounds like a close friendship.

    The thing is, female company is very 'comfortable' to many men; it's easy to spend a lot of time with them in a way that's different to male-male friendships. There's nothing odd about the time spent.

    There doesn't have to be romantic intent for the gendered dynamic to persist, but there's always the risk of things suddenly sparking up.

    My guess is that this friendship is in a very liminal phase - there's a high level of tension here (definitely from you, not sure if he'll feel it), and if you both find each other attractive then it could 'tip'. I don't think he's 'in love with you' right now, but you are easily capable of pushing him into suddenly falling for you if you give him any overt signals.

    Basically, the answer is yes and no, to an equal degree - that doesn't mean the situation is in balance, but in tension. Give him an overt signal that you're 'just friends' - talk about another guy that you find attractive. If you already have a feeling that this would wound him, then yeah he wants you; otherwise his feelings will decline if they have been growing for you.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Will, Bellosome, sassafras and 2 others like this.
  11. slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2008
    Threads:
    285
    Messages:
    7,872
    Featured Threads:
    10
    Likes Received:
    2,345
    Trophy Points:
    892
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    5w4
    If you want something more it's your duty to break the ice and bring it up and see how he responds.

    If that's what YOU want.

    You got to get it out of the way as soon as possible. If he rejects your offer and just wants to be friends, accept that and if you can't, split ways.

    This whole "do they don't they" mental game is mostly just a way to have a fantasy without the actual risk of getting hurt. Hurt is a part of life though, so it's better to clarify your intentions and see how he responds as opposed to waiting and wondering.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Will, Bellosome, BlackHorse and 2 others like this.
  12. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2015
    Threads:
    76
    Messages:
    5,154
    Featured Threads:
    23
    Likes Received:
    28,147
    Trophy Points:
    1,956
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    It's fine for @BlackHorse to wait and see and not make an overt move if that is what Blackhorse wants. Romances, or attempts at romance (like admitting your crush when the other person doesn't feel the same way) can end friendships. Sometimes even when there is romantic tension it is best not to act on it because you can't see something working long-term and the friendship is more important.

    If the risk is worth it – go for it.
    If you'd rather wait and see because keeping him as a friend is more important, do that.
    Sometimes friendships can get past this, sometimes not.


    If you wait on texting him and he doesn't contact you that is not a good sign.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Daustus, Will, Bellosome and 3 others like this.
  13. OP
    BlackHorse

    BlackHorse Newbie

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2018
    Threads:
    3
    Messages:
    26
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    113
    Trophy Points:
    887
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    @Asa thats exactly my thinking. I love him and our friendship too much to act on my romantic feelings.. I mean.. why would I even, if I don't want an actual relationship with him.
    Yeah I guess we will see about texting.
     
    Daustus, Will, Bellosome and 3 others like this.
  14. Cornerstone

    Cornerstone Well-known member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2012
    Threads:
    21
    Messages:
    1,931
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1,203
    Trophy Points:
    767
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    London
    MBTI:
    Pisces
    Enneagram:
    Metal Goat
    There's a lot of good advice here but the only way to be sure is to keep a close eye on his Spotify activity and what colour clothes he wears.

    But actually, the other advice is good. It's not necessarily so. I have female friends who I had no intention of getting closer to until we did (oops) and, even with the one where nothing transpired, it didn't end the friendship entirely. I mean, the reality is that these friendships have an expiry date because I'll never meet their future boyfriends etc but it's not necessarily an all or nothing thing.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Daustus, Will, acd and 1 other person like this.
  15. Hostarius

    Hostarius I N I T I U M

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2018
    Threads:
    27
    Messages:
    8,870
    Featured Threads:
    12
    Likes Received:
    63,909
    Trophy Points:
    4,032
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    UK, a part of the EU
    MBTI:
    INTJ
    Enneagram:
    1w2
    Lmao. High level callback.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Daustus, Will, acd and 2 others like this.
  16. acd

    acd Well-known member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2009
    Threads:
    136
    Messages:
    12,846
    Featured Threads:
    8
    Likes Received:
    16,957
    Trophy Points:
    1,227
    Location:
    Big sky
    MBTI:
    infp
    Enneagram:
    9w8 sp/sx
    Well played lolol!
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Daustus, Will, BlackHorse and 2 others like this.
Loading...

Share This Page