Extrovert + Introvert / Introvert + Introvert pairings | INFJ Forum

Extrovert + Introvert / Introvert + Introvert pairings

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Gaze, Jul 24, 2010.

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  1. Gaze

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    Extrovert + Introvert / Introvert + Introvert pairings

    How do these pairings work?



    What's been your experience as an introvert in a relationship with an introvert or as introvert partnered with an extrovert.
     
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    #1 Gaze, Jul 24, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2010
  2. driro

    driro Community Member

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    oOO.. something I have always been curious about :m075:
     
  3. OP
    Gaze

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    Yeah, looking forward to the responses.
     
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  4. AUM

    AUM The Romantic Scientist

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    I've dated an INFP and ENFJ before and I can say that both types of relationships with an introvert and extrovert has its goods and bads.

    With the ENFJ, I found myself doing more activities, going to different places and meeting new people. She was very enthusiastic and very lively and was very expressive with what she was feeling and thinking all the time. She was quite brilliant and very supportive, she would often give me boost of confidence whenever I was feeling doubtful of something I was going to engage in. The downside was that she would drag me to places that I didn't feel in the mood at that moment, but she saw it as an obligation that I would accompany her because I was her boyfriend. She was also very prone to ask me every 5 minutes(no exaggeration), what did I think about our relationship, if we were moving on the right direction. We lasted for about 6 months.

    When I dated my INFP girlfriend, I was always the one to make all the decisions of where we should be going and doing, I had no problem with that but I would feel guilty that she wanted to do other things besides the options I gave her. She was very kind and helpful but very reserved about her emotions and feelings. She would also ask me if I felt the same way as she did, but asked it in a way that I thought she was only joking. I had to talk to her really frankly and straightforward, otherwise, she would go off tangent and think of the worst-case interpretations of what I had said. She was very random, and would come up with the weirdest discussions that caught me off-guard in the most awkward situations. I had lots of fun with her, but sometimes I felt that we communicated very differently and she got caught on her own misconceptions of what I thought I said to her. We lasted for about 4 months.
     
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    #4 AUM, Jul 24, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2010
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  5. Norton

    Norton XXXX

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    I couldn't imagine being married to an extrovert. Yack, Yack, Yack. Extroverts think by talking aloud. Introverts think in silence and then talk. Extroverts should keep their thoughts to themselves until they're completed. Only then should they talk. But, then, were this the case, they'd be introverts.

    My wife an I read together in comfortable solitude, every night. So calm and comforting.
     
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  6. Matariki

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    Hmmm...

    Never dated before, but I couldn't picture being with an extrovert. It would be too noisy, like Norton said "Extroverts think by talking aloud."
    Although my older ENFP sister has been married now for 10 years to her INTP husband. Personal preference I guess.
     
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  7. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    my boyfriend is an extrovert; we compliment each other well [​IMG] he brings me out of my rut when i've been doing too much reflecting and daydreaming at the expense of living, and i show him how beautiful silence can be~
     
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  8. OP
    Gaze

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    This sounds like a good balance.
     
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  9. AUM

    AUM The Romantic Scientist

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    I agree. I think if your partner is mature and mindful of what an introvert needs, an extravert counterpart can be a really good match.
     
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  10. OP
    Gaze

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    I think this^^^ is the key. If both partners are mindful, aware of what the other needs, then i think a great relationship is definitely possible. But if they ignore each other needs or force the other to operate in their own mode only, then there will be probably be some issues between the couple. For example, an extrovert who continually dismisses an introverts need for quiet time, or introverts who are too reserved about their feelings, and refuse to speak about them at all; an extrovert who insists that an introvert be social at all times, or an introvert who doesn't want to socialize at all, and becomes complacent in the tendency to withdraw and isolate themselves from others.
     
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    #10 Gaze, Jul 24, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2010
  11. magister343

    magister343 Permanent Fixture

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    In my psychology class last fall it was taught that it is much more common for an introvert and extrovert to pair with each other than with their own type, but that such relationships tend not to last as long or be as happy. Introvert/extrovert marriages have higher than average divorce rates. Subsequent marriages, and marriages later in life in general, are usually extrovert/extrovert or introvert/introvert.


    A lot of MBTI compatibility theories say that introverts should be paired with extroverts, but I don't buy it. Others say that the introversion/extroversion dimension is not relevant to compatibility, but having an intuitive/sensing preference or prefering the same attitudes of thinking and feeling are. This is more believable. Some say that those near he middle tend to fit better with those who have the opposite preference, but those whose introversion or extroversion is extreme do not get along well at all with those of the opposite preference. I guess that makes sense. Many introverts seem like extroverts to me, and the serious extroverts I know are hard to be around for long.


    Theoretically extroverts are supposed to help introverts get out of their shells and introverts are supposed to help extroverts become more introspective, but it does not always work out that way. I've heard some introverts claim that when in relationships with extroverts they become even more introverted as it was hard and not worthwile to try to get a word in edgewise. They claim that in introvert/introvert relationships there is more freedom to speak up, and that they are each forced to take up an extroverted role at different times in order to accommodate their partners.



    I've never really dated, but I think everyone I've ever considered asking out was at least a slight introvert. The closest I've had to a real girlfriend happens to be the only girl I know who scored higher on introversion than me. I tend to think that introverts with strong Fe are the only real match for me (although an ENTP girl could be interesting in a less serious relationship).
     
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  12. Satya

    Satya C'est la vie
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    Ironically, it has been my experience that extroverts are more likely to keep things that are bothering them to themselves, whereas introverts are more likely to express them. This is contrary to the turtle/octopus model I've been taught for many years, where the introvert is suppose to hide in their shell and the octopus is suppose to give chase and ensnare in an attempt to draw out the turtle. Introverts actually seem more comfortable being expressive about their vulnerabilities and insecurities than extroverts do.
     
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  13. Billy

    Billy Contents Under Pressure
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    I have been with both... it depends.

    I have been with emotionally secure I's and found it was very comfortable very stable, and with an emotionally stable E it can be much more taxing but so gratifying. I am with a really good girl right now and shes such an E, shes a star everywhere she goes, its incredible.
     
  14. magister343

    magister343 Permanent Fixture

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    I agree. Frankly, extroversion is almost synonymous with fear of intimacy. The turtle/octopus model has no real basis, but there are other models that both agree with our observations and have considerable scientific backing. As I've explained before in another thread The Yerkes-Dodson Law states that we are most comfortable and perform best when our levels of cortical arousal/stress are moderate, rather than either low or high*. The Eysenck Model defines extroverts s those whose default levels of cortical arousal are relatively low, and intraverts as those whose default arousal is high. (These are not hard categories like in MBTI theory, but relative placements on a bell curve measuring how active brains are without outside stimulation.) Social interaction with anyone is a stressor, but the stress of interaction with intimate friends is quite minuscule and the stress of superficial interaction with strangers is quite high. Extroverts thus need to socialize with more people in order to keep up a healthy level of arousal, while introverts are more comfortable limiting their socialization in order to keep their stress levels manageable. Normally the focus is on the number of contacts and the time spent socializing, but it makes just as much sense to focus on the intimacy of each relationship. Completely isolating oneself from social interaction is often not feasible, making the pursuit of greater intimacy with those one must contact often a better strategy for an introvert trying to keep cortical arousal from skyrocketing. Besides, even the strongest introverts are by nature social creatures who have trouble maintaining their sanity in total isolation.



    (* Technically the Yerkes-Dodson Law includes an exception stating that stress can be increased indefinitely without hurting our performance of very easy tasks, especially those which have been practiced to the point that we can do them automatically without the need for conscious thought. That is not really relevant to the Eysenck model of introversion/extroversion, except in that it makes it possible for an introvert to be learn to thrive in certain fields that seem to favor extroverts, such as the performing arts.)
     
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  15. Satya

    Satya C'est la vie
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    How fascinating. Introverts limit the amount of activity they have with others in order to limit their arousal but must maintain a greater intimacy with those they do have contact with in order to maintain sanity in the face of isolation. By contrast extraverts try to increase the amount of activity they have with others in order to keep their arousal high but may express less intimacy with those they have contact with in order to maintain security.

    In essence, the two have the approximately the same number of eggs but differing numbers of baskets to put them into. Introverts have fewer baskets than extraverts to place their eggs in, and thus must put more eggs in each basket. In other words, they must form deeper, more intimate relationships.
     
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  16. OP
    Gaze

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    This is true.
     
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  17. Billy

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    No its not, its completely dependent on the person.
     
  18. Exits

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    Huh.

    I've had multiple relationships with both introverts and extroverts, and there's a great deal to be gained from either. All have been with intuiters though, save one very short lived relationship with an ISTP.

    Generally, relationships with extroverts tend to be far more stressful, but also generate far more personal growth. They really push on your boundaries and force you to learn to compromise in healthy ways, speak up, establish personal boundaries, and all kinds of awesome things that are healthy for introverts to learn. However, there's certainly nothing restful about them. In every extrovert/introvert relationship I've been a part of, there's always a subtle feeling that I'm expected to be something that I'm not -- should be more involved, more communicative, enjoy talking more, etc etc. All of that is excellent learning material too.

    Relationships with introverted intuiters are the opposite. They're very restful and tend to become a place to recharge from other life stressors. They haven't offered many opportunities for growth though, but they can lend you the strength to challenge yourself more significantly in other areas of life.

    Think it's best to just evaluate what role you want a relationship to have in your life at any given moment. If you want to stretch yourself and become a more rounded person, get with someone with an opposite social preference and do your best to get through it -- you'll learn a lot. If you want a sanctuary and a place to rest because you're getting enough challenge/growth from other elements in your life (career/friendships/etc) then get with someone who is more in tune with your default mode of operating.
     
    #18 Exits, Jul 26, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2010
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  19. whytiger

    whytiger Community Member

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    Extroverts aren't always noisy. Some of us can be very quiet, which often leads us to first type as introverts.

    I'm married to an ISTP and I think we compliment each other well. I can lift her out of bad moods with my exhuberance. She can be a calming influence on me. She's a good listener (while I am not). I'm good at keeping conversations going.

    I have learned to give her space and alone time and not to mind if she decides she needs to go to the store alone instead of all together. I've learned not to talk during TV shows and movies (which is very difficult for me). I have also learned when she needs to be pestered a little to get her out of her own head.

    She has learned to accept that I don't always think before I speak, that when I engage people in conversation or people reveal personal information to me, it's not because I necessarily am making a deep emotional connection with them (which could be a problem if the other person is a woman), and that I'm not always going to understand/hear when she talks to me.

    We're about to have our 11th anniversary.
     
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  20. 88chaz88

    88chaz88 Back for a limited time only
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    Really? So I could actually be an ESTP?

    I always feel more comfortable on my own though, but my function order says differently.
     
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