ENFP + INFJ = ? | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

ENFP + INFJ = ?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by sassafras, Jul 14, 2010.

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  1. NiennaLadyOfTears

    NiennaLadyOfTears Goth Hobbit Lass
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    Well, I'm married to an ENFP and it actually works out pretty well for me. And I'm definitely and INFJ.

    My husband is an ENFP but isn't very popular. He craves social interaction however, while it makes me almost sick to my stomach. He craves recognition for his achievements, whereas I feel that it's an achievement just to get something done. It is challenging being with him but honestly I would feel like I am worthless if I didn't have a challenging marriage. Emotionally we have a very strong bond, and I am his best friend, although he has much more friends than I do. As long as I am able to accept that he may want to do something with them, I do well. Usually he is content to stick by me though.
     
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  2. Lumi Spitsbergen

    Lumi Spitsbergen Community Member

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    I actually have two friends who are ENFP and INFJ who dated for a while, and it was interesting. At first they seemed like the perfect couple, but eventually they couldn't resolve certain personality conflicts. The ENFP could NEVER take 'criticism' well whether constructive or instructional. Out of all the E's I've known (including myself) she was the one most needy of attention and of constant social interaction with large groups of people. She is also an extremely giving and supportive person who dislikes conflict within the ranks of those she counts as her friends. She is extremely loyal and will go to near absurd lengths on occasion to make the people around her feel happy.

    He hated the crowds she loved and would accidentally hurt her giving well-meant adivice. He also got frustrated because she didn't like to talk about her problems with him, often denying she had any, and he felt like she didn't trust him enough.
    There were a lot of little ways they picked at each other which surprised me considering that they were both, in general, extremely harmonious people.

    My sister is also an ENFP, and she tends to act much the same way on a general basis as my friend - although I don't know many INFJs (the main reason I started posting on this board) so perhaps a different "sort" of INFJ can make it work in the long haul, or an extremely devoted couple.

    In the end my friends ended up moving away from each other after college... and they just sort of ended the relationship there. The ENFP is engaged to another guy now (not sure on his type), and I haven't heard from the INFJ, who I was never close friends with.
     
    #22 Lumi Spitsbergen, Jul 29, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2010
  3. Starry Night

    Starry Night Regular Poster

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    One of my friends is an ENFP. When we first met it was sorta magical, like platonic sparks flying all around! She must have tickled my Ne which I loved, it made me feel inspired and was so much fun.

    On the bad side though, and there are a lot of bad sides...: she tends to be unreliable, and all "me, me, me, this is how I feel". Like last year she forgot about my birthday and I just asked her about it. What did I get back? "I was in such a good mood and now you ruined it!" ... So much selfishness can be really annoying.

    So Id say, in small doses they can be great and super much fun, but dont expect too much and please dont invest too deep feelings!
     
  4. VH

    VH Variable Hybrid

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    I've been dating an ENFP on and off (is there really any other way to be in a relationship with an ENFP?) for about a year and a half.

    View attachment 3261

    When it's good, it's UTTERLY AMAZING.

    When it's bad... ugh... /facepalm

    I've never been so simultaneously attracted to and annoyed by someone.

    By the way, she's an ENFP 7w8 so/sx... might be a factor.
     
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  5. imocheann

    imocheann Newbie

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    I really hope this doesn't offend but my INFP best friend would say something similar and can't see how his attitude can make others feel like he doesn't care when, with his easy words, he cares a great deal. Concern for the autonomy of others as a basis for harmony only works when there is enough to go around, or when other people's desires match your own. Fi will always strive to get the most out of a situation for itself and have a look around to make sure it hasn't hurt anyone afterwards. Fe looks around first and makes a judgement on how much everyone's entitled to, then takes action. To an Fi user Fe looks judgmental and dogged, because it's usually an Fi user on the receiving end of it. But when you see Fe in action it has only actually asserted itself because it's seen someone overstep the mark. I think Fi users often mistrust Fe because it looks like a person using a rational argument to get what they want. But the reason it's dogged at times is because often when it is asserting itself it is not doing so in accordance with the user's own desired outcome. It is easy to be insistent and dogmatic when you know that it is in the interest of others and not your own.

    I would dare say you're tempering Fi with the old Ne or Te if you're taking care if harmony in your environment.
     
    #25 imocheann, Feb 12, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2013
  6. imocheann

    imocheann Newbie

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    This, exactly this. Wow.
     
  7. Lexika

    Lexika Community Member

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    ENFP's Ne is too out there all the time. I don't feel grounded around them like I feel with xSFPs for example. Both of us are intuitive, so it's like both of us are floating just a lil bit above ground. We're also both ethical but we don't process our emotions the same way - I'm more oriented at other people, and ENFP is more oriented at himself, what makes him feel better.

    It feels like we're staring at each other like we're two animals in a zoo, waiting for one another to pull a cool trick and at the same time not taking one another too seriously.

    INFJ-ENFP relationship is described as extinguishment in socionics - Extinguishment Relations
    Some pointers for being around ENFPs (turns out ISTJ is their natural partner) - Taking care of ENFp
     
  8. InfJer0724

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    @Lexika - they are all Extinguishment Relations (as in, all the types are included in this category of socionics!) however here are the pairings that cause extinguishment for one another when together:

    INTp (ILI, Ni-Te) - ENTp (ILE, Ne-Ti)
    INFp (IEI, Ni-Fe) - ENFp (IEE, Ne-Fi)
    ISFp (SEI, Si-Fe) - ESFp (SEE, Se-Fi)
    ISTp (SLI, Si-Te) - ESTp (SLE, Se-Ti)
    INFj (EII, Fi-Ne) - ENFj (EIE, Fe-Ni)
    INTj (LII, Ti-Ne) - ENTj (LIE, Te-Ni)
    ISFj (ESI, Fi-Se) - ESFj (ESE, Fe-Si)
    ISTj (LSI, Ti-Se) - ESTj (LSE, Te-Si)

    Further notice that INFJ (EII) and ENFP (IEE) do not create a pair of extinguishment (see their placements on the chart). I would link you to the page but I’m new and it won’t let me just yet.
     
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  9. InfJer0724

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    ENFP and INFP extinguish each other when they pair.
     
  10. worthy

    worthy Regular Poster

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    This was super helpful to me. Thank you.

    My bandmate is an ENFP. It's awesome and also a little terrifying because it makes me rethink the way I approach things. I am often afraid of accidentally hurting his feelings, especially when I have constructive criticism for him, and although he is mature and seems solid when it happens, as an INFJ, I can tell he's hurt, and then I hurt, too, and...I want to avoid that but I don't want to stop pushing us both to grow. I need more time to learn to understand him. He is infuriatingly difficult to pin down, doesn't want to plan ahead, etc. We ricochet between deep-and-serious and silly-and-spontaneous. Both feel great as long as we don't get stuck in one or the other.

    We seem to have found some reasonable middle ground when it comes to our rehearsal rhythm (he shows up on a particular day as agreed; I have learned to keep a larger window of time open on the day, remind him, and wait until the last minute to ask when exactly he's arriving). But scheduling performances is the next challenging frontier to tackle. I want to plan ahead, set dates/venues, commit and work toward a goal. He doesn't mind the idea of performing with me but wants to not be shackled to a plan. I want to set a date six months out, but that is uncomfortable for him. I'll work on it. I like to think we'll work on this together. I think we are on the same page, mostly, but...whew. What a ride!

    I keep reading that ENFPs are deeply loyal and committed, driven by strong principles and values, and they want very much to make their close friends and loved ones happy, even while they are self-centered and opportunistic. So they often feel conflicted and have to work hard to reconcile those two parts of themselves.

    Mostly I find the dynamic with him FASCINATING. When I'm frustrated, I assume it's because I'm not communicating my needs well enough and/or my expectations are unreasonable or impossible for him. It is totally awesome to connect so deeply with someone, and it feels worth the extra effort so far.

    But he has been very clear: If it stops being fun, he's out. If that happens, it will be good practice for me in "it's not me; it's him." Actually this whole friendship has been an exercise for me in identifying "where you end and I begin" -- challenging for my formerly codependent self -- and in communicating and negotiating my needs. Such good lessons. I love a good growing relationship.

    That wasn't exactly what you were asking, but it's what I know.
     
  11. InfJer0724

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    Feels like it requires a lot of adaptation/understanding on the INFJ part, and sometimes ENFP is too self-focused to notice. But sometimes, they’ll surprise you with a thank you and thoughtful realization of how much good INFJ has given. Still rocking the boat with ENFP male for the past 2 years, it’s been unexpected, fun, sad, frustrating, draining and an experience I had always hoped for. Think I’ve reached the point where I’m understanding him more and I was close to marriage with him at some point. We shall see how this ends.
     
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  12. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Permanent Fixture

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    ENFP is over the top most of the time

    Needs constant communication and elevated experiences

    Like the past didn’t happen with them

    Very involved with their own feelings

    Not usually independent and able to be critical. It’s like they’ll do anything to avoid details

    They can’t finish projects to save their life

    They need to feel like you accept their extroversion and open up to them. Like their socially conquering you
    ==============================

    They have a way of making people feel good

    They are very open to experiences and ideas

    They are strong visionary skills

    They are socially intelligent

    They are easy to explain ideas to usually especially if they are about people or psychology

    They genuinely appreciate authenticity regardless of how much it differs from them

    ===================

    You need them more than they need you
     
  13. TheFool

    TheFool Community Member

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    Like an angel who brings you up from the darkest moments but at the sane time the one who can push you to the darkest moments of self-doubt and quilt.

    As a friend, the funniest mofo you will ever meet. The brainstorming is magical. ENFP is the one you’ll make up an business plan for fluorescent anal plugs with surround sound system as if it is just a ordinary part of everyday life.
     
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  14. Hostarius

    Hostarius Level 10 Cynical Optimist

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    Hurhur raaaandooom!
     
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  15. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Permanent Fixture

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    True story
     
  16. LBoogie619

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    I’d say that there’s much more to us that just our MBTI. That said, I’m an INFJ and my husband is an ENFP. We’re very opposite but it has worked for 20 years! And I’m happily married. Am I happy every second? No! But I’ve been blessed with a great life partner. We balance each other out. Everything that I lack - he has and vice versa. One of our frustrations is that I’m highly perceptive and intuitive- which is common for us INFJ’s. I can pick up on peoples vibes, intentions, spirit, energy, etc. My husband does not have the same “gift”, so he is very naive, trusting, and always gives people the benefit of the doubt which drives me crazy because they always scare him over. Another thing is that sometimes he just doesn’t understand me. As an INFJ, I sometimes get lonely due to my lack of any real authentic and close relationships outside our marriage. I’ve gone through depression and suicidal thoughts. I’ve cried and told him that I don’t belong here on earth. I have felt very disconnected from society and the world in general. It’s a strange feeling to have that you don’t belong. People connect with me by telling me all their problems and by me being there but because it’s never reciprocated I feel even more disconnected. Hopefully that makes sense! Anyway, my husband doesn’t understand that about me and chalks up everything to me being negative or crazy . Other than that, we get along great and I couldn’t imagine sharing my life and soul with anyone else. He’s a solid dude!
     
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  17. HollyBeeTheENFP

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    Very well. I have an INFJ best friend and I have never met anyone who I work so well with. Our connection is so deep and we work in a way that just flows. We understand each other but come about it from an opposite lens. We complete each other, truly. Together we have all the functions, and all the viewpoints.

    I really truly think this is the ideal match. Obviously not every individual with that type would be. That goes for any combo. But I do think that functions-wise it lines up really well.

    I’d love to meet an INFJ guy in person, y’all are way too rare for this ENFP to find (sad face).
     
  18. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Permanent Fixture

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    Sounds like you're chasing the idea of something rather than a person
     
  19. QuietBrave

    QuietBrave Newbie

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    This. Also an INFJ married to an ENFP husband and this all rings true. One difference: tankfully my husband is really into personality theory so he has done a lot of totally self-driven reading on INFJs and so not only "gets me" pretty well but actually helps me understand myself! MBTI fries my brain a little, but he really understands it well and has helped me cope with my INFJ-ness (the loneliness and emptiness and discconnection) like nobody else ever has. Granted, the first year or two of marriage before he got into personality theory and we figured out what was going on were pretty rough. But now we are the healthiest and most functional couple we know!
     
  20. worthy

    worthy Regular Poster

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    This is how I feel with -- well, every type, except perhaps INFJ, though I've had really easy relationship dynamics with INFP and ENFJ also. It's always a lot of work, I'm always doing more adaptation/understanding than the other person, and just about all are totally oblivious to that invisible work. The difference for me with ENFP is that it is SO over the top rewarding when it works, which is enough of the time to make it worthwhile for me. My ENFP experiences have been worth it. However, I wonder if age/development makes a difference? I'm in my 40s and talking about 40-something ENFPs who are probably more mature and thus different from younger or less-developed ENFPs. I can imagine I would not have had good ENFP relationships in younger years (because of the self-centeredness and flakiness).
     
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