Dreaded INTP falls hard for INFJ | Page 4 | INFJ Forum

Dreaded INTP falls hard for INFJ

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Dopamine, Jul 14, 2020.

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  1. OP
    Dopamine

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    everybody sucks sometimes. But yeah in this case. (Realizes I’m some In some sappy nauseating Justifications to idealize his actions and make excuses for him so I can like him again. That sounds like some co-dependent shit right there. I am going to go through this cycle a few times. It is unhealthy for me to stay in contact with him.)

    * wonders if I have encountered a covert narcissist. I’m being gaslit like a motherfucker. Damn.
     
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  2. mintoots

    mintoots Also: Tooth, 뚵수, Tootsu

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    Don't be too hard on yourself. You're going through these motions healthily.
     
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  3. OP
    Dopamine

    Dopamine Community Member

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    If there is a narcissist within 50 ft of me- it’s a fucking curse. I find these people everywhere. I really don’t understand. I don’t know if he is but stuff is starting to work out in my mind and I am absolutely being gaslit. 100%.

    yuck. Listen- I know it’s tough sometimes being an INFJ but being an INTP is no pretty pony pirate parade.

    (y’all should not have told me about edit tool- it really inspires added facilities for continuous rant)

    yeah. I’m not crazy. We talked about this. We didn’t say the words but I was there he absolutely led me on or switch gears hard. But- there is a small consolation here. He’s on a dating AP. He does not know how to do that smoothly. The Internet Universe is going to dole out karma. Hard. He’s gonna pull this stunt with a crazy bitch eventually. It’s inevitable.

    *recognizes faint Kubler Ross rapid cycling of stages of grief.

    greif? Really? Gross.

    How do you people stand it? HOW? How do you run around feeling your feelings all of the time? this is horrible. I do not understand.
     
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    #63 Dopamine, Jul 21, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2020
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  4. Chickensoup

    Chickensoup Community Member

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    Awww {{hugs}}. Yeah, you sound like you’re under a ton of pressure with your work, both in terms of output demand and moral conscience. For what it’s worth, I appreciate what you’re doing trying to advance grappling with this crazy ass pandemic.

    I’ve totally been where you are and it’s really hard to stay open when there’s not a lot to hold onto. And if you’re stressed, have a lot on your mind and not a ton of emotional energy, ofc your tolerance for the unknown is going to be limited.

    You guys are still talking, so that’s positive. He knows what you need, so like you said, it’s a matter of where he’s at emotionally and whether he’s ready to take that step towards you. It’s probably good you have your guard up.

    Edit: Ok, I just read your follow-on posts. If you were lead to believe you two were exclusive, and then he says he wants to see other women, then yeah, I’d say no to that.
     
    #64 Chickensoup, Jul 21, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2020
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  5. Reason

    Reason Well-known member

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    I definitely don't think that finding someone who understands you is an unobtainable goal. People who don't make the effort should be filtered out as white noise. However, it can take quite some time to get on the same page with someone. Essentially any healthy relationship romantic or otherwise is like a journey into the other person's mind over time. So it's not unreasonable and not impossible to do.

    I do get the handicap of being an INTP (obviously). It has its own unique difficulties for sure.

    Again at the risk of getting too personal i'd like to ask where you to typically go to search for potential partners. Do you do the dating sites thing or the pub or just roll the dice with people at work? What types of people do you pursue and why?
     
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  6. OP
    Dopamine

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    I started dating again after a long time of not dating. 7ish years. Grad school- life. I am a different person now so I have tried to keep an open mind about the type of person I would be compatible with. I am a strange person with an insane life story. Not a hugely tragic one, but there has been a lot. I’m a very difficult match. I do not look on the outside like my personality. I do not look my age nor do I look like a scientist- I hear it all of the time. I look like airplane nose art from the 40s. I’m not complaining but it has some big downsides. I attract a pretty typical type of man. Successful and or wealthy and pathologically narcissistic. It doesn’t matter where I meet them- it’s always them. I know that this is due to a flaw in my approach. I don’t really want to hash it out right here. That’s a lot of exposure when I’m already feeling pretty vulnerable. It’s ok to ask but not right now.
     
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  7. Reason

    Reason Well-known member

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    Totally understandable. I'll not pry.
     
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  8. OP
    Dopamine

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    thank you. I’m not wanting to be shitty- I just can’t.
     
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  9. Wyote

    Wyote Xenoi
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    The price of being a catch: attracting everyone and everyone is a weirdo. Success and wealth are the best masks. They must have something put together.
     
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  10. Reason

    Reason Well-known member

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    You're fine. It's just hard to give advice that is accurate and not generic without it getting personal. So although I can respect your need for privacy I hope you can respect that there's not going to be a lot of surgical precision in my helping you with solving this problem. Nobody's fault, just the way it is unfortunately.

    After lockdown is over I suggest seeing a therapist and asking for help with spotting malevolent people. Also working through any personal trauma you might have could be greatly beneficial. I can't know what would be best for you though, insufficient information as i said.
     
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  11. OP
    Dopamine

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    sure they do! Generally attractive too. But they want to date me so that they have a fun companion they can “spoil” (ugg barf), be entertained by, and show off to their friends. They don’t try to know me. It’s like they are buying a car. They love that I’m a scientist because it impresses their friends. Not because I’m actually trying to do something good here. It’s REALLY lonely. And I’m not that person at all. I want a friend. I don’t want some sugar daddy who will expect me to be available god knows when to entertain him. It’s gross.
     
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  12. Wyote

    Wyote Xenoi
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    You know the signs, you just gotta learn to exit earlier
     
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  13. OP
    Dopamine

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    I have. So when I see it I bail. But back to the original point, I’m not sure I know exactly what would be good for me so I am trying to keep an open mind. I’m not sure being completely understood by someone matters. Being a trophy is disgusting- but having a friend who doesn’t always get you but makes an effort to be there for you and offers something that feels good and safe- better. I don’t want a soulmate. Nothing but trouble.
     
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  14. Hostarius

    Hostarius A R C

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    Have you had a 'soulmate' before?

    If so, how did that go?
     
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  15. OP
    Dopamine

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    I thought I did once. I was completely fooled and it ended so badly it’s impossible to talk about. It’s another reason I didn’t date for 7 years.
     
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  16. Hostarius

    Hostarius A R C

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    Ah, I see. I'm sorry to hear that.
     
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    The idea of soulmates is nice, and there are certainly people in the world that we immediately resonate with.
    But a real soul-partner is something that is built.
    I could elaborate a lot more, but I think you are on a good track with your thinking already.
     
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  18. mintoots

    mintoots Also: Tooth, 뚵수, Tootsu

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    Tell me about it. Ueughk.
     
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  19. hithere

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    2 points I think are relevant here:
    1 - Your parents, who are your first exposure to love, give you a mixed bag of experiences that you then associate with love, even though lots of those interactions are negative.
    When someone doesn't "feel right" he says, it's because "We are out to find partners who feel familiar...we are on a quest to suffer in ways that feel familiar."
    2 - None of us are perfect. We are imperfect human beings who fall in love with other imperfect human beings. Real life and real people don't match up with the Disney type of love we see on screen etc. Not that I think anybody here is that naive. But still, our early impressions of what love is supposed to look like are very ingrained in us. Doesn't mean we are doomed. But maybe there is a different way to approach "love" that will leave us all happier. He explores that in more depth...
     
    #79 hithere, Jul 22, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2020
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  20. Wyote

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    "Compatibility is an achievement of love"
    "In choosing them, we compromise. Compromising is noble."
     
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