Do INFJs stay single longer than other personality types? | Page 7 | INFJ Forum

Do INFJs stay single longer than other personality types?

Can’t speak for all INTPs but my process is...

I will date a bunch people for 1-3x

I will filter

If I find someone I will zero-in and then that’s it...

I usually know if I like someone right away and it becomes obvious to me

During the actual dating, my philosophy is the person I am with is it until death

I do not say or act like that so to speak but that is the mindset

I also don’t fear losing them, but it’s usually the other that will run because my patience is amazing, frankly

Honestly, it’s sort of fortunate having Ti as the top function

I will collect all the data, but it doesn’t mean I will act or judge someone on it

Rule 1: Your past is your past and I will not hold that against you

Rule 2: I will not hold bring up things I am not planning on acting on

Rule 3: Boundaries and space are respected

I’ve been in 3-4 relationships

2, 6 and 10 years for those

And a bunch or here and theres

It’s real easy to tell if we will put you in long term play...

WE GLOW WHEN WE SEE YOU

Yes, you become little puppies running around every where eager to show whatever was dug out from the back yard. You bark and bark unable to contain your excitement. It is painfully endearing.
 
Yeah, going slow is fine if we think it’s strategic. If we know what we want, and all mystery to that is gone, we will go after it pretty aggressively and with much focus

Sounds like you two were able to help each other in a lot of ways. I don’t know how to say this softly. Consider making a physical move if you’re interested in a guy. From what I see here so far is nothing ventured, nothing gained and eventually lost altogether (for right now)

Feels like if you would have made a move and it turned awkward, it would have landed you in the same spot and with similar or even less pain. I know it’s hard to do that stuff but it needs to be done. Get drinks or something next time to create the mood. Make a move and if it fails just blame the alcohol
 
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Yeah, going slow is fine if we think it’s strategic. If we know what we want, and all mystery to that is gone, we will go after it pretty aggressively and with much focus

Sounds like you two were able to help each other in a lot of ways. I don’t know how to say this softly. Consider making a physical move if you’re interested in a guy. From what I see here so far is nothing ventured, nothing gained and eventually lost altogether (for right now)

Feels like if you would have made a move and it turned awkward, it would have landed you in the same spot and with similar or even less pain. I know it’s hard to do that stuff but it needs to be done. Get drinks or something next time to create the mood. Make a move and if it fails just blame the alcohol


Yeah, right now however I regret even considering romance at all. It's that INFJ perfectionism, you might say. I don't regret how it turned out altogether, but it does make me draw myself further in, romantically.
 
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For now, it's safe to say it's over and is water under the bridge. Maybe I did have a chance but I blew it. In any case, for now, the option is not on the table anymore. You INTPs don't change your mind, do you? Especially when someone else has already managed to bag your interest. I guess better luck next time, if there ever will be a next time for and INFJ like me.
 
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For now, it's safe to say it's over and is water under the bridge. Maybe I did have a chance but I blew it. In any case, for now, the option is not on the table anymore. You INTPs don't change your mind, do you? Especially when someone else has already managed to bag your interest. I guess better luck next time, if there ever will be a next time for and INFJ like me.

Ironically, I’m in a similar situation but the tables are reversed a little

An INFJ got a little skittish and ended things with me a few dates in. Honestly, I think it’s because I was on Tinder and she thought I was dating others. I wasn’t and had no intention to. She freaked and ended things

HER INTUITION WAS WRONG

She came back, but when she did I didn’t have much confidence in her because of that behavior but I still loved her and wanted her. But I started seeing others in-between because I don’t know what her deal is now

I did like the others, but I still liked her the best. I just didn’t want to feel like crap again so I continued with the others. If we would have seen other again, the others would have been dropped 100% right after we physically went out and reconnected

She couldn’t stand this so she then said she wasn’t interested but would see me as a friend and offered a date. I turned her down because I can’t let her take time away from my romantic interests

She was pissed. Pretty sure she liked me and wanted to pursue me. I also knew in the back of my head she wouldn’t find someone and I was it. She was just being stubborn

Anyways, I started seeing others because she didn’t give me “explicit interest” and now I’m committed to one of them

I saw the INFJ the other day randomly and I’m pretty sure she still wants me and has resorted to giving up and not dating anyone and is a little negative and cynical

I still love her even though this played out like this. I texted her and she texted back immediately, so I know something is still there

But now I’m in some other stuff. This is why you gotta make a move and just make yourself vulnerable. Her and I crossed physical boundaries, so that was already there but because she expressed no interest in a romantic connection, I cut her off 100%. Obviously bridge is still there though
 
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I should say in this situation, this INFJ woman is the best connection of my life. Hands down

So even though I “moved on”, I am willing to try things with her again

I love her, so yeah, special case

Don’t give up on this one, but you may need to change your game a little
 
I should say in this situation, this INFJ woman is the best connection of my life. Hands down

So even though I “moved on”, I am willing to try things with her again

I love her, so yeah, special case

Don’t give up on this one, but you may need to change your game a little

Gosh she must have been so confused. I can't say much for all INFJs in general, but I don't exactly date around. In fact, I rarely date at all. If she values relationships as much as I do then she must have felt already so vulnerable with you. To her she was already putting her heart out on a limb. You seeing other people and her tolerating it nonetheless must mean so much about how much she really wants to be with you, but given the things that have transpired, I doubt that her issues would quiet down at all. You would be finding yourselves in a limbo. I think the best option would be to calm down and figure out the options that you would best stick to for real.

I don't know that I'm giving up on him. For now, i'm just staying true to what I feel and trying to find a meditative balance. If I am to be his choice, I need his certainty and absolution which is probably something your ultimate INFJ has been hoping for.

I think that it's always difficult to be vulnerable but if we're going to be in relationships anyway, why should we be witih the ones who don't stir our soul?

The night I confessed, he said his soul vibrates with hers on a certain level despite only having met her so recently. When INTPs feel that sort of certainty, I don't think I have a chance of competing. So maybe I am giving up, but mostly, as you said, I am just letting it burn. I need to be okay. That's all I know.
 
I'm even more extreme -- if it has any reasonable chance of not working out, I'd rather spend my entire life analyzing if it could work out than try.

Though I'm unusually unable to see the real difference between friendship and relationships (essentially because I treat the hormones as 'fun' and the substance as just the intimacy/depth of caring/knowing each other inside out, which is equally possible for both), so for me it's more like, if I'm going to become all sentimental about a certain type of relationship with someone, I want to keep it that way, but if not, then it's fine, we can keep the status the same and nothing is lost.


This is true for me too. I have no problem building very close friendships, they can only be counted by the hand and if i'm not mistaken, the types are mostly INTJs (3 - all females), INTPs (2 - a very good friend, the other broke my heart but would have been a good friend if it hadnt gotten complicated -- both males), INFP (1 male, 1 female). These are the only relationships that I can let the flood gates of my emotions to (minus the INTP male who broke my heart because I slammed the door on that).

In any case, the only two serious occasions that I felt romantic "love" both started out as serious friendships: (1) i suspect is either INTJ/ENTP/ENTJ and the other, (2) the aforementioned INTP. It is important for me to get to know the person on a deeper level. In fact, i mostly regret letting romance interfere with these relationships because these would have been lifetime connections if romance hadnt gotten in the way.


QUOTE="ClevelandINTP, post: 1138309, member: 16830"]It’s rare but there’s still a lot of them. Especially, females. I think I saw a thread here that showed INTP and INTJ females are more rare. That I agree with. Females are like 1/40 to put it in perspective. Good chance if you’re in a Target, there’s an INFJ. Compare that to an INTJ which is like 1/100. Let’s not act like they’re impossible to find[/QUOTE]

INTJ females are not hard to find. They are everywhere around me.
 
What do you do to find them? Are these professional contacts
 
What do you do to find them? Are these professional contacts

No not at all. One female is my relative. The other two my college roommates and buddies and are still healthy friendships that I'm still with now. That's almost 15 years of friendship.

Although I do find most of them in the work place too. My former boss was an INTJ woman with heavy narcicisstic issues. My former colleague in the same work place was also an INTP woman. We still keep in touch and talk about substantial things.

INTJ/INTP women are really great as friends. They always put my F in perspective and they help me come to terms with it without so much as losing my self everywhere doing things I regret. T types are often quick to despise the F so if I'm being sensitive, it can cause quite a stir among us but its always graceful and always within the confines of our privacy. It also helps them when I assert that feelings are valid and within special friendships, it's okay to let go. Though that will always be a tall order for T types but our friendship becomes absolutely special because of the trust we have for each other. I really am luck to have these kinds of friends.
 
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I recently turned 31, and I'm single. Other than a somewhat toxic long-distance relationship I just got out of, in the past few years, I've really barely dated at all after ending a 6-year relationship back in 2013. I don't have a huge problem with that, as I would rather remain single than force anything.

However, I've been facing more and more pressure lately (as I assume happens more once you get into your 30s). It feels like almost every single person I know is getting engaged or married, or at least is in a serious relationship. I can count on one hand the number of people in my life around my age that are also single. I constantly get asked by friends and family if I'm dating, and when I say no I usually get met with pity.

It makes me feel like an alien. I've never been much of a dater. I'd hear people talking about how they dated like 5 different people over the course of a year, and that just sounds overwhelming to me. I'm perfectly happy spending time alone, and for me to want to date someone, I have to REALLY like them, enough that I would give up my alone time to spend time with them (which I'm sure many INFJs can relate to). The problem is it's really rare for me to meet people like this, people that actually spark my interest.

So rather than forcing things with someone I don't feel strongly about, I remain single.....but I'm starting to feel really alone in that sentiment, and there aren't many people in my life currently that I can talk to about it or relate to. I guess I just wanted to know, is it common for INFJs to stay single longer than most other personality types? I'd love to hear thoughts from other single INFJs (or INFJs that went through really long stretches of being single). And any advice is appreciated!
I feel the exact way you do, only I'm 20. It hurts not to have someone who I can trust and love enough to give myself up to. Both times I've done this in the past I was met with either unaccepting parents or harsh rejection. I actually went up to the women who rejected me harshly. I seem to attract everyone BUT those who I'd like to be with. I saw a life with her, and really did want to get married to her. I still do, 4 years later, but I need to learn to move on. I know I'm not gonna meet anyone else who I'll love so much, so life still seems like a lonely path. I've heard countless, "There's always more fish in the sea," and "Oh, you're young, you'll find someone someday." But these people just don't understand. My parents already divorced right at the end of my junior year of high school and I was shipped around 4 different states in 366 days. It's left us all fucked up, and I'm not going good in college because of it and may not be able to continue. It's left me with zero trust and I've been stuck in a loop without any extraverted time to balance out my alone time. My alone time then feels constantly insufficient since I'm so stressed and depressed and it just gets worse and worse. I always had a feeling when I was younger that my life would be a lonely one, and maybe that's just an INFJ thing, but as much as I try to change that, it seems to want to stick that way. I'm feel selfish for ranting about myself in your post, and I know you have it worse, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think it is an INFJ thing, but I want to give you an experience you can relate to rather than just a yes/no. I hope I helped, at least in some way.
 
Where to start. Only thing I can say is these are INFJs. INFPs are very different in my opinion, and these are not INFPs. I’ve dated a few and my best female friend of 10 years is an INFP, so I’m hip to the difference. I’m not using “empath” as a criteria of determination.

I am assertive and headstrong. Not in a controlling way either. Not bad qualities, really. I am very open minded and fair, though. Accusatory is very rare. I generally come from a place of curiosity and am pretty patient. I can be blunt if pushed or in a mood.

We’re on an INFJ forum, so that’s what I’m focused on. Trying to learn, share and understand. I really do adore the type. Unfortunately, I’ve seen the doorslam so I’m trying to broaden my understanding and offer my perspective. Because I’ve been around INFJs I’ve seen doorslams done to others that I thought were out of too much sensitivity and lack of assertiveness. I was even asked to do it once on their behalf and send the doorslam text. So we all have our experiences
Based on the way you speak, it sounds like you force unreasonable expectations on people and if they don't follow through you immediately despise them. It sounds like you apply this to everyone in your life. It also sounds like you are extremely self-centered and refuse to take any sort of accountability, so basically to you it's always someone else's fault. You choose to ignore explanation and reasoning because you are here not to learn like you claimed and are lying, but are here to vent your anger. Our replies essentially make you feel better about yourself. Once you come here with the intention to heal, our words can help you. But don't ever, under any circumstance, prance your way into a INFJ forum and complain under the guise of asking for understanding. If you don't want to be helped, this is not the place for you. We can see through your bs. Despite what you feel, you are not getting back at us this way -- you are only hurting yourself more. We'd love to help you if you want it, but right now you clearly have other intentions.
 
We usually take our time to find the right person. Finding the right person takes longer than dating multiple people and until you find someone (shocker, I know).
It seems sad at first, but it means when we do find someone, we usually enter the best relationship there is.
Many of your friends may be entering into something they aren't ready for, as awful as that is, but you will eventually enter into a relationship you will cherish forever.
Also, try traveling. You meet different kinds of people in different settings, and many times getting away from home can be an escape from sadness and open up your eyes. I only travel as a last resort, as I'd usually prefer to stay inside thinking, reading or playing a videogame, but it's helped me meet good people when I do.
 
We usually take our time to find the right person. Finding the right person takes longer than dating multiple people and until you find someone (shocker, I know).
It seems sad at first, but it means when we do find someone, we usually enter the best relationship there is.
Many of your friends may be entering into something they aren't ready for, as awful as that is, but you will eventually enter into a relationship you will cherish forever.
Also, try traveling. You meet different kinds of people in different settings, and many times getting away from home can be an escape from sadness and open up your eyes. I only travel as a last resort, as I'd usually prefer to stay inside thinking, reading or playing a videogame, but it's helped me meet good people when I do.

One thing I'd like to point out, as understandable as the notion is to find the "perfect mate", this one is a straight out illusion. You'll never find out the actual person from a one sided perspective, even if it's coming from someone as observant as an INFJ. Relationships are always built over time. By experiencing moments together and by growing towards and accepting each other overtime.
And yes, i get that INFJ's wan't to reduce a lot of the discomfort in advance by predicting a lot of outcomes (as do INTJ's do wan't to secure some kind of sense of secure future by predicting a lot of possible outcomes), but that's not how life works.

That's just an FYI
 
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One thing I'd like to point out, as understandable as the notion is to find the "perfect mate", this one is a straight out illusion. You'll never find out the actual person from a one sided perspective, even if it's coming from someone as observant as an INFJ. Relationships are always built over time. By experiencing moments together and by growing towards and accepting each other overtime.
And yes, i get that INFJ's wan't to reduce a lot of the discomfort in advance by predicting a lot of outcomes (as do INTJ's do wan't to secure some kind of sense of secure future by predicting a lot of possible outcomes), but that's not how life works.

That's just an FYI
I think you're filling words in my mouth. Your statement is derivative of your perspective, as an INTJ, but that does not apply to us INFJs as well. It can be helpful to those stuck in situations like OP's, but we can reduce the outcome of meeting unwanted people. We do that in life everyday as it's part of how we work (Ni and Fe). But yes, standing aside waiting for the perfect mate will not do anyone much good, and TC should go to new places and leave his comfort zone in his situation. I guess that's what you were trying to say?
 
I think you're filling words in my mouth. Your statement is derivative of your perspective, as an INTJ, but that does not apply to us INFJs as well. It can be helpful to those stuck in situations like OP's, but we can reduce the outcome of meeting unwanted people. We do that in life everyday as it's part of how we work (Ni and Fe). But yes, standing aside waiting for the perfect mate will not do anyone much good, and TC should go to new places and leave his comfort zone in his situation. I guess that's what you were trying to say?
Just stating what i'm observering out of you INFJ's. And i'm really REALLY appreciating the effort i'm seeing that you give in general putting into friendship and people / possible love interests. But goddamn you tend to have some serious judgement sticks up your arses from time to time. And I seriously understand your perspective to take it slowly and safely, you have to sort a lot out of people in regards to their intention/personality. But the human mind tends to be very complex in that regard. And i've seen some INFJ relationships clip to a broken wall because of the underestimation. That tends to be the same as well for INTJ's or any other type that analyses a lot in regards to any relation. Again: this is not purely from my experience, this is a general observation.
 
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Just stating what i'm observering out of you INFJ's. And i'm really REALLY appreciating the effort i'm seeing that you give in general putting into friendship and people / possible love interests. But goddamn you tend to have some serious judgement sticks up your arses from time to time. And I seriously understand your perspective to take it slowly and safely, you have to sort a lot out of people in regards to their intention/personality. But the human mind tends to be very complex in that regard. And i've seen some INFJ relationships clip to a broken wall because of the underestimation. That tends to be the same as well for INTJ's or any other type that analyses a lot in regards to any relation. Again: this is not purely from my experience, this is a general observation.
It's a good observation too. As I'm sure we all are aware, INFJs aren't some magical special personality type unlike all others -- we're just so damn uncommon, so we are less understood. So obviously we have many weaknesses, like those you've stated. A third person view is many times very helpful as we can easily be quite reserved to the point of not taking action. But with finding a mate, that is something that unfortunately tends to take longer -- at least it seems so. I think we could benefit from outside advice such as yours, which I'm taking as, "Maybe go up to someone and put yourself out there instead of getting stuck waiting to find the right person," and, "Maybe give someone more of a chance, I understand your way of doing things but people and love aren't something anyone can fully predict, especially from just observing. So maybe try not to get immediately turned off by someone if they do/show a trait you don't immediately like." We are very slow to warm and be comfortable around people, so we are high maintenance for a while at first for those who like to get into the thick of things right away. We'd rather learn about you and then warm up as we learn to trust you. But this also means we are turned off easily. I'm sure there's many of us out there who tend to be a little too on the shy side, to where it is more damaging than good, myself included.
 
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It's a good observation too. As I'm sure we all are aware, INFJs aren't some magical special personality type unlike all others -- we're just so damn uncommon, so we are less understood. So obviously we have many weaknesses, like those you've stated. A third person view is many times very helpful as we can easily be quite reserved to the point of not taking action. But with finding a mate, that is something that unfortunately tends to take longer -- at least it seems so. I think we could benefit from outside advice such as yours, which I'm taking as, "Maybe go up to someone and put yourself out there instead of getting stuck waiting to find the right person," and, "Maybe give someone more of a chance, I understand your way of doing things but people and love aren't something anyone can fully predict, especially from just observing. So maybe try not to get immediately turned off by someone if they do/show a trait you don't immediately like." We are very slow to warm and be comfortable around people, so we are high maintenance for a while at first for those who like to get into the thick of things right away. We'd rather learn about you and then warm up as we learn to trust you. But this also means we are turned off easily. I'm sure there's many of us out there who tend to be a little too on the shy side, to where it is more damaging than good, myself included.

No problem, INFJ's are rare and that makes them much more interesting. But you are in general more prone to a lot of bad stuff happening to you because you internalise everything first and I observe that a lot, which is annoying to me (in the sense of bothering, not in the sense of annoyance). Because I also see that when "you" warm up to bad people or internalise bad events (my mother is an INFJ, so I've observed this a LOT). Do not ever (too expressive) immediately warm up to someone random immediately (not that you do that already) but try to tune down the judgement knob from time to time is what I wan't to say. A lot of people have shitty motives in their mind, but I've learned in time that those motives do might have a proper reason from somewhere and I try to understand why they do it. If it's acceptable then I give it a chance. If it isn't, I drop them. They are not worth the energy.

I'd say if you wan't to learn a lot more in assertiveness, get yourself an ENFJ friend.They are the most special type of them all. I got one male ENFJ friend and his theories from time to time are batshit insane but I love analysing them as they always have some origin of research behind them. And they got Fe/Ni switched, so they just "do" the Fe stuff instead of "going around" with it.

And yes, you are high maintenance (at first, with moments), but that makes it worth it.

*some edits*
 
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One thing I'd like to point out, as understandable as the notion is to find the "perfect mate", this one is a straight out illusion. You'll never find out the actual person from a one sided perspective, even if it's coming from someone as observant as an INFJ. Relationships are always built over time. By experiencing moments together and by growing towards and accepting each other overtime.
And yes, i get that INFJ's wan't to reduce a lot of the discomfort in advance by predicting a lot of outcomes (as do INTJ's do wan't to secure some kind of sense of secure future by predicting a lot of possible outcomes), but that's not how life works.

That's just an FYI
Yeah sure. Built over time. But in order to build it, you have to start somewhere. The way I see it, the dating world moves so fast these days that by the time the INFJ warms up, the prospect has gone out the window.
 
Yeah sure. Built over time. But in order to build it, you have to start somewhere. The way I see it, the dating world moves so fast these days that by the time the INFJ warms up, the prospect has gone out the window.

Yeah, I agree as well, it's the same for INTJ's, believe me. The dating world now has speeded up a LOT in regards to say 10 years ago with social media, speed dating and 100's of dating apps all with their "perfect matching" algorithms. For people who take relationships more slowly / seriously that system works against them, everything seems so based on a fixed "concurrent time window", it's annoying. But i'd say there's still enough opportunities for people to know and find each other by sharing experiences together with things that interest them (can use MBTI for that in regards to general interests by types). And sometimes just random lucky events gets you with someone you like, or friends etc.