Do INFJs stay single longer than other personality types? | Page 8 | INFJ Forum

Do INFJs stay single longer than other personality types?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by MB88, Feb 11, 2019.

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  1. mintoots

    mintoots Also: Tooth, 뚵수, Tootsu

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    I need some of that luck. Hahaha. Kidding aside, i've been giving loneliness a lot of thought lately, and it struck me that rather than thinking of it as loneliness, i should see it as solitude. Being attached is simply a different life from being single. One or the other isn't necessarily better. I would just have to work with what's given to me and for now, that's singleness.
     
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  2. dragulagu

    dragulagu Galactic Explorer

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    Yup
     
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  3. Emanuel Goldstein

    Emanuel Goldstein Community Member

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    I was a serial dater long ago before I knew anything about personality types. I could never get over the 3 month mark really. I didn't get much smarter about it as I aged and after a truly disastrous decision to marry. I realized that solitude and/or close friends is enough and i'll find someone or I won't. I did find out what true love is. The connection an INFJ can have with their child is the only place I have found true love.

    and... I'm cool with that
     
  4. dragulagu

    dragulagu Galactic Explorer

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    Solitude is indeed fine as long as you have a couple people in your life whom you trust and can interact with. Human interaction is a basic need for everyone. And if you find someone with whom you can share life with, that is fine as well. Glad you found what true love is through your child, that's awesome!
     
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  5. INFJTASH

    INFJTASH Lucky

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    I read a few replies & now I'm even more sure of being INFJ.

    I love being in a relationship. But if I'm single I never get the feeling that I have to find someone. And yes, I heard the same nagging. For me, it was always from my abusive mother (I've gone no contact recently). But my dad always told me not to rush & to enjoy the moment (I wonder what type he was?). Sure I'll think about when I might meet someone here & there. But I'd rather be single than give my time & energy to just anyone.

    It's brutal out there!!! I don't play games. I'm honest and will keep my word. I could never stand someone up or ghost a person for no real good reason. I could have a few dates lined up every week, but I choose not to. It's emotionally exhausting for me. I know who & what I am. I know what I have to offer. And I don't just freely give away those special parts. Other personalities may think that's cocky of me to say. But I don't think ANYONE should give that away easily or quickly.

    Which brings me to my last point. As I said above, I don't force anything & I don't date anyone JUST to have someone. I actually cannot comprehend why people are so desperate (for lack of a better word) to be with other people. I take my lunches at work alone. I enjoy the quiet time to try and decompress a little. Then I see the newer girl at work taking lunch everyday with the girl training her. I'm sure they've become friends, but they sit next to each other, talk while working.......I'll just say I'm glad it wasn't me training her.

    My point being, INFJ's are good with our 2 feet, 2 hands & alone time. Real good in fact. We'd love extra help & giving away our time when we find the right connection, but we never feel the absence of it either. We can wait until we find another good fit. In the meantime, we've got lots of other things to do & feel.
     
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  6. Truth Eternity

    Truth Eternity Community Member

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    Thanks. I'd also like to clarify that when we see shitty people we also see the reasons behind it, so it's a for sure thing, but it is also hindering at times. We generally like to stay far away from those kind of people if we aren't trying to change them, so it's either change them or stay away from them. But we could definitely use a toning down of our Judgement aspect from time to time. And thanks for the ENFJ friends advice. Of course I won't be actively thinking, "Is he/she an ENFJ? No, oh shame bye bye/Yes, oh yeah come here." But i've met many ENFJ's and ESFJ's and they're really fun to be around with and they really energize me. I've always read up on how they energize INFJ's and INTJ's, but experiencing that is a whole different story -- it's really nice. And there is another topic I was on recently talking about MBTI and genetics, so you being an INTJ and having an INFJ mother could be an interesting contribution if you'd enjoy such a topic. Again, I really appreciate your advice and input :)
     
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  7. Truth Eternity

    Truth Eternity Community Member

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    Oof, I was definitely writing this late at night/early in the morning in a not so good mood. Things have been much better.
     
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    #147 Truth Eternity, May 1, 2019
    Last edited: May 1, 2019
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  8. Truth Eternity

    Truth Eternity Community Member

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    Notice, whenever you talk about yourself it's always glorified and you make yourself out to be all good and can-do-no-wrong. But, when you speak about someone else it's always negative and fault-finding. You can't even compliment somebody without then saying something negative about them. You really need to work on yourself. This is not healthy for you or for those around you. All you are doing is repelling everyone around you, ultimately hurting yourself. This is dangerous if you don't fix it soon. You are screwing yourself over, and what's worse is you know that and refuse to fix it, instead using that self-anger to attack other people, projecting it outwards.
     
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  9. dragulagu

    dragulagu Galactic Explorer

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    Hehe, no problem, glad you appreciate it.

    The cool thing about INFJ's is that you have this automatic "shitty person" sensor on you that gives you that impression of someone in no time. For me -as INTJ- / personally, it's more of a "motivation checklist" I do internally on a person, it's a measurement against a set of personal "correct core principles" but that seems to be much more subjective as this is something internally and it's slower to process. With INFJ's it seems to go much more fluently. And it btw is a big amount of respect if an INFJ tries to change or understand you rather than wanting to stay away from you (which is understandable).

    Another personal impression from INFJ's is that it seems that everything a person does or says is being monitored. It's a bizarre thing.
    So that's kind of what I meant with "tuning down the judgement knob" because of the impression that INFJ's will always and with proper reason observe and measure everyone all the time and I tend to observe this from the side as well. However it also is a very important self-protective tool against people with very ill intention, so I guess the "tuning down" is only meant for safe situations. Anyway, I don't want to go further on that, I'm not an INFJ.

    ENFJ's are energisers yeah, they just give that interesting "je ne sais quoi" vibe off that just goes beyond my logic, it's like a unknown puzzle to be solved and leads to fun discussions/idea storms. But with ESFJ's, I have the impression from them in general that they try to have some kind of a more traditionally organised sense of teaming people? Which is cool on its own, less kind of my jam. I find them kind of predictably boring in my limited experience.
    By the way INFP's are awesome as your personal listener buddies, their empathic understanding is awesome.

    For the genetics part, I honestly think it's more of a random factor than an direct link between genetics. There might perhaps be some core traits were taken over from the parents from birth , as in INFJ + INTP -> INTJ but that doesn't work as Te or Fi is just nowhere to be seen in the primary functions of INFJ/INTP. Without further research it's inconclusive. It's interesting to think and theorise about it though. Personally I think it's a mix of genetics, first years of the child when they communicate and learn from the parents and epigenetics (influence from the environment). I've seen similar answers in the thread, so will check on it again someday IF I ever get to that point of research.

    ----

    From the personal perspective (and a bit of a vent-out reflection I'm doing here): I tend to reflect a lot towards myself as kind of a personal judge. I get a sort of amplification when I do that in the vicinity of INFJ's, which makes me in turn become very cautious and (self)-observant on the actions that I do. I'd say it's more kind of looking at a mirror kind of vibe that I'm getting.

    I try to act properly through my core principles, but with moments I'm just not in the mood of doing so or I tend to put myself too much into the center of a situation giving off egocentric vibes or I can just be a plain asshole by opening my dumb Te mouth (without the intention of hurting, although I comes off as such). But that's a bad side of me that comes off, for which I'm not proud of and tend to hide in general. But with INFJ's this just doesn't work. It's the whole "the mask is removed" kind of thing. I know a couple of INFJ's in real life and with all of them I have that kind of vibe. I also get that vibe here from time to time.

    The cool thing though is that it motivates me to become better as a person through reflection, the bad thing though is that it also tends to amplify the introspection on the worst sides of myself, saying hi to the NiFi loop, over-reflecting all my actions. Again, this is all personal and I don't like to be open with all of this but I have the impression that it wouldn't hurt to open up here from time to time (or just open up more often to my friends) rather than to internalise everything, just go no-nonsense. You're good listeners and judgers and this is just a forum. And this venting did kind of good.

    -----

    Anyway having said all of that, the awesome part of having an INFJ mother and INTP father is that I can just be plain open with them, feeling wise with her, logic wise with him and just get some reality checks from them. This is the same with my friends, but in a less open way. Both of them "get" what I mean between all my chaotic thinking/explaining and both can give me a proper reflection so I can get my feet on the ground again. I wish I was less of a turbulent character and I'm focusing on that, but yeah, it's in steps.
     
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  10. mintoots

    mintoots Also: Tooth, 뚵수, Tootsu

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    I envy that you have a very good grip of your parents' personality. From what I read, it seems you have a very good relationship with them. My mom was an ENFJ while I'm did INFJ. I did have a very good relationship with my mom. She was an endless optimist and definitely my anchor but she got annoyingly random at times. Sometimes it was okay, sometimes intensely annoying. I wonder if I typed her well? I suspect my dad was probably infj and i may have taken after him. He was extremely lethargic though mostly because of his depression which he died from by simply not eating to his death. But then i wonder if i did type him well.

    I do notice that as an INFJ, we tend to be depressive. I think it's that need for depth. For me, it's a random click-- like a sudden realization that my ideals are probably out of placed in a very mundane world. I just find everything to be so meaningless and shallow. whenever I am being honest about wanting to pursue depth, i feel as though people judge me to be impossible if not overly emotional or weak. Tbh, i seek for depth everywhere and I do find it every now and then in those poignant moments of clarity but mostly, it's so hard to navigate the world. It's easy to understand them, or why they do it, but I still get perplexed by it all. Sometimes, at my weakest, it is all so disappointing.
     
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  11. dragulagu

    dragulagu Galactic Explorer

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    INFJ's are one of the if not the most intense type in regards to depth of the inner self. However, it's easy to fall into that inner pool if you stare too deep in it, swimming out of it takes a lot more effort than just diverting your gaze from it and reflect on the world around you. (yey, Metaphors) Yeah, this world isn't perfect and people judge everything and everyone all the time, but everyone has their own problems to challenge and everyone is focusing the most on handling their own lives. Their judgement is not worth your stress.
    And navigating through it is a life journey, for everyone. You learn from the shittiest moments, you learn from the greatest moments, you learn from any moment, life does not have a step-by-step guide written anywhere, it's one you go through by experience. There's enough depth in this world to enjoy from, the shallow is not relevant ;)
    I'm sorry for you father, but as I see it your parents did balance each-other out and you came from them with your being, that's the essence of human life.

    Anyway, you're all a bunch of wise souls. Be proud of that and use that wisdom!

    PS: have a documentary of the aboriginals, what seems to be shallow by the Western world has a lot of depth:
     
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  12. Truth Eternity

    Truth Eternity Community Member

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    It's wonderful of you to open up more. And just as you said, we're here to listen and help. We all also love to learn more about other MBTI types, and I'm getting a lot out of what you describe of yourself. I have an ESFJ mom, and I agree with your opinion on them being more of gatherers and people organizers. I have an INFP roommate and he's a wonderful listener/input giver, and we agree on many, many things yet have our own opinions to open up about and teach one another with. I've also noticed that I make certain types of people very self-aware, especially T types. It comes in handy in getting others to reflect on their strengths and weaknesses, and can really bring out those who have done many bad things (mostly high-up businessmen and the likes), causing them to literally sweat and shake in their boots. Of course I get much enjoyment in watching people who hurt others like they do literally shake in their boots, but I also have to remember that I'm here to change them. Sometimes just being present and having them reflect on their issues is enough to reroute someone to the right direction. I've also seen my presence make people very self-aware to the point of -- like what you're talking about -- it can be harmful. Rest assured we don't like that either and we are very aware of how you feel and want to change it. In many cases, we will get your attention to let you know we understand how you're feeling and want it to change. We'll usually change the amount/type of attention we give you to pull your attention towards our understanding so you feel more at ease. Most of the time that means giving you a look of understanding, looking at you then looking away once you notice us (possibly giving you another look if that doesn't work), or in more rarer cases, saying something to you. Just as always, we're very particular on how we look at you and speak to you etc., and will do so in a discreet way that also puts you at ease in such situations. Most of the time it's super discreet to where you won't know we're doing that on purpose, and you'd be thinking something along the lines of, (Why'd they look at me/do that? That's odd." That'd then lead you to think of us as peers and not as judgers, seeing as we made a mistake, showing our human flaws. You'd then calm down and may end up thinking we're idiots (T types are usually the ones to think that) -- we don't care if you think we're idiots as long as we've helped you. Us showing a human flaw is entirely on purpose, but I can tell you that and it still be effective because now you know we care and are intentionally helping you. And our judging aura we give off is just our Ni and Fe in constant focus, as we're analyzing and thinking about everything about you. You could move your hand in a certain way and we'd know your history and have a pretty damn good guess about your nearish future. But that's just how we work, and we enjoy learning about people. That ends up giving us the ability to go up to you if you're hurt/down and immediately fix your problems. It also allows us to calm you if you're angry, as long as you don't do something too mean to someone. If you do say something nasty, we'd understand why you are and forgive it for the sake of harmony. Of course you'll have to apologize for it, though. But if you say something too bad to someone while angry your self-awareness you get when we're around will end up being incredibly amplified, to the point where the guilt will hurt you. That self-awareness and guilt will eventually help you, but the hurt it'd cause you from its intensity will be your punishment. Eventually the intensity will cause you to apologize and everything will be better between you and whoever you got into a fight with, but many times you wouldn't know that that was all intentional on our part, and you may remember us a someone who upset you and may not like us, not being aware that what we did purposely lead to you and the other's communion. Of course if we'll be around you for a while (such as school/college/work/home/etc.), we won't have it to where you'd not like us. I guess those are just some general inputs on our judginess and some light intentions. I really enjoy talking with you and learning more about and from you.
     
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  13. Truth Eternity

    Truth Eternity Community Member

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    I'm sorry for your father. I really believe the reason why we're so depressed is because we see all the wrongdoing and evil in the world and want to change it, yet most everyone else just wants to "deal with it" and conform to it. And on a personal basis, it's hard as one person to change the hearts of enough people to save the world. Most people shoot us down saying it's unrealistic or childish, as you've stated people do. But just as of course you know and understand, if it's unrealistic to have a good world where everyone is good to everybody and everything, then it's unrealistic to have a world where people are so mean and cruel to everybody and everything, which it the world we live in now. Just I'm sure you do, I also believe that a perfect world is completely obtainable. It's just a matter of how many people are willing to put in the work. But really only a few people seem to be that way, and as 1-2% of the world, it's even harder for us to communicate our beliefs and we end up being misunderstood and lonely, thus stressed and depressed, adding to how much of ourselves we give away to others. But who else is going to carry that burden? I believe we, us, right here and right now need to change and save the world. Those before us haven't done so, and if we don't do so, who's to say those after us are going to? If it means giving up our entirety to save the world, I'm on board -- and I really hope others would. I know it sucks to be some of the only people to care, and having to give ourselves up for everyone else who don't even take seriously, but it's that our nothing. I believe that weight is what makes us so depressive, but it's burden we're both blessed and cursed with, but I believe it's a blessing in the end if we choose to do amazing things with it.
     
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  14. Misty

    Misty Spidey Sense Wielder

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    I think INFJ's sense too much, too easily ( depending on levels of Ni ) and due to our "spidey sense" as I call it, that we just cannot shut off.. we sense every little inflection which causes us to be much more quickly onto someone if and when their intention or story doesn't gel with spidey's sense..

    And this is what causes us to become so *picky* and thus, we may appear more "lone" than the rest of the pack.. whilst really - we just won't settle for crumbs when our souls long for the feast.. Because, we too offer this loyalty and depth we desire.. and expect nothing less than - in return.
     
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  15. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Well-known member

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    Hey! What’s this

    I’m the worst

    You’re the best

    Love,
    Cleve
     
  16. mintoots

    mintoots Also: Tooth, 뚵수, Tootsu

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    This. I often also get tagged as an overthinker, overfeeler, oversensitive... People who care about me always try to convince me that it would be better off not to care. Caring is, according to them, the bane of our existence. They think that if we put our minds to greater goals rather than caring, we could achieve so much more. That is definitely a T-type thing to say and I would argue that the goal itself is the journey, meaning the fulfillment is already in the commute, not the destination; in the act of caring already rather than whatever it is that comes out of that care. As stated above, harmony is essential. It does however really brings me to think: would it be better for the INFJs personal development to step back a little and not care?
     
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  17. 2Hot4you

    2Hot4you Spammer

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    ow, you know, I really was lucky to find my couple using dating site! Personally, I would like to warn you, because I would like to tell my story, so, do you believe coincidences? A long story short, once I was in a restaurant and there I met a beautiful single woman with who I spent a good evening, but as a result I really forgot to ask her telephone number, and a week later, I found her using this useful site for dating. As a result I wrote her and due to this fact and that dating site with russian girls we are married for 2 years :)
     
  18. INFJTASH

    INFJTASH Lucky

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    So a guy on a dating app told me that he's introverted and all he cares about is a woman accepting his son. Told me something like I was beautiful and stunning. Since he threw the I word out, I said that I'm INFJ, if he's familiar with MBTI, and that these apps are NOT for me.
    Saw he messaged me back this morning. Go to read it, he's gone. Guess the whole personality thing threw him off
     
  19. dragulagu

    dragulagu Galactic Explorer

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    You dodged a bullet there

    fyi Introversion / Extraversion is legitimately accepted as a personality trait in psychology, MBTI is not.
     
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  20. slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

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    I've never been in a relationship. I've had plenty of opportunities. I know what will work and won't work, so I'm not willing to "try" something that I already can foresee complications with. I'm currently working on what I hope to be my first long term relationship, and the main difference between this and other situations I've been in where a person actively wanted to date me is that so far as I can tell our values, goals, and general disposition flow together.

    Being that I'm rare, and quirky and odd, it's difficult for me to find birds of a feather. We're not exactly the same but aligned in the same direction if that makes sense.

    I also recently abandoned trying to fit in and have embraced my quirkiness, thereby making it 1000x easier for people who would actually like me to find me.

    I suspect most INFJs who struggle with dating have one of two, or both, things going on:

    1. Not meeting enough people in general, secluding themselves

    2. Not being authentically who they are out of fear- people pleasing etc- so they attract people who don't actually like nor understand them
     
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