Do INFJs stay single longer than other personality types? | INFJ Forum

Do INFJs stay single longer than other personality types?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by MB88, Feb 11, 2019.

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  1. MB88

    MB88 Newbie

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    I recently turned 31, and I'm single. Other than a somewhat toxic long-distance relationship I just got out of, in the past few years, I've really barely dated at all after ending a 6-year relationship back in 2013. I don't have a huge problem with that, as I would rather remain single than force anything.

    However, I've been facing more and more pressure lately (as I assume happens more once you get into your 30s). It feels like almost every single person I know is getting engaged or married, or at least is in a serious relationship. I can count on one hand the number of people in my life around my age that are also single. I constantly get asked by friends and family if I'm dating, and when I say no I usually get met with pity.

    It makes me feel like an alien. I've never been much of a dater. I'd hear people talking about how they dated like 5 different people over the course of a year, and that just sounds overwhelming to me. I'm perfectly happy spending time alone, and for me to want to date someone, I have to REALLY like them, enough that I would give up my alone time to spend time with them (which I'm sure many INFJs can relate to). The problem is it's really rare for me to meet people like this, people that actually spark my interest.

    So rather than forcing things with someone I don't feel strongly about, I remain single.....but I'm starting to feel really alone in that sentiment, and there aren't many people in my life currently that I can talk to about it or relate to. I guess I just wanted to know, is it common for INFJs to stay single longer than most other personality types? I'd love to hear thoughts from other single INFJs (or INFJs that went through really long stretches of being single). And any advice is appreciated!
     
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  2. JennyDaniella

    JennyDaniella Stargazer

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    I believe INFJs are one of those types that does value being single for quite an extended time after a relationship. I myself have been single for nearly three years since breaking it off with my ex-fiance. Like you, I do get asked frequently if I am dating anyone and met with confusion and pity; but I am pretty content where I am at right now.

    If I don't get into a relationship this year, I am totally fine with it. I am not seeking anyone right now at the moment. I suppose I am a believer in if it happens, it will happen at the right timing.

    INFJs in a sense are a bit perfectionistic when it comes to relationships, but I honestly find that's how it is supposed to be. It's funny, some of my friends who tell me that I need to lower my standards are usually the ones that are struggling within their relationship and always settle for people who treat them like shit, and then they wonder why I don't take their advice.

    Oh and I forgot to mention, some of them looooove casual relationships and flings; I am not into that sort of thing. I only had two intimate very serious relationships, whereas my friends are in the dozens range on the amount of men they slept with. I can't comprehend how they get into relationships so quickly and can handle that emotional roller-coaster in entering and breaking relationships so suddenly.. it's unhealthy. I love my friends dearly, but dear lord....

    Relationships are hard-work, why settle for someone less? Everyone deserves to be in a loving and healthy relationship.

    So you aren't alone at all in this case. INFJs typically enjoy being single for quite some time and value serious and meaningful relationships. Unfortunately though, like you said, we REALLY do have to like a person to consider being in a relationship with them. But that's how it should be. Some people get into relationships so quickly without having the time to really the know the other person and test the waters. Fortunately, some couples do last but others... not so much.
     
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  3. charlatan

    charlatan Permanent Fixture

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    I'm even more extreme -- if it has any reasonable chance of not working out, I'd rather spend my entire life analyzing if it could work out than try.

    Though I'm unusually unable to see the real difference between friendship and relationships (essentially because I treat the hormones as 'fun' and the substance as just the intimacy/depth of caring/knowing each other inside out, which is equally possible for both), so for me it's more like, if I'm going to become all sentimental about a certain type of relationship with someone, I want to keep it that way, but if not, then it's fine, we can keep the status the same and nothing is lost.
     
  4. Icedream

    Icedream Again

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    It's not that they stay single longer, it's that they get single faster.
     
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  5. charlatan

    charlatan Permanent Fixture

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    I think if you have other intimate relationships (enough to satisfy whatever you crave --- if you crave 0 intimacy that's fine too), I really don't get this idea of forcing it to be in the context of a non-platonic one.

    FWIW, I don't do it either. Never really felt a desire to.

    There's also something to be said about not creating weird hybrids of intimacy and casual. I think true intimacy is going to have to involve the real above and beyond kind of caring, and if one is going to 'settle,' why not just have casual friendships where you watch movies and play games? The in-between seems to not really exist anyway. What could one conceivably get out of it?
     
    #5 charlatan, Feb 11, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2019
  6. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    I think they’re perfectionist and sensitive, so I don’t think they can last in relationships long. That and they tend to try different people out and willing to experience new things. I wouldn’t be surprised if they are more single than other types

    Also, other people might not know how to deal with them initially, and it takes time. I had to friend an INFJ for an entire year and then pursue for 6 weeks or so just to get into an eight month relationship where everything was high stakes poker. Big drain! Every little misstep nearly derailed the whole thing because of the perfectionism and sensitivity of the INFJ. They are also very needy comparatively

    I also notice they like everything to build slowly and step by step in a linear fashion. The slowly thing is okay, I have patience, but the step by step only moving forward stuff would drive me nuts. Like it’s okay to revisit something and modify. Perfection or whatever that is called is a giant pain in the ass
     
    #6 ClevelandINTP, Feb 12, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2019
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  7. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    Probably.

    I think that many INFJs can be highly picky and are likewise repelled by the ethical failings of others, as they are primarily committed to their intuitive conceptions. These conceptions inform the INFJ's ethics, as well as their understanding of how things are.

    Tricky stuff.
     
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  8. JennyDaniella

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    Nope, unless you spent time mostly with unhealthy INFJs—which sounds like the case in your situation and what you mentioned in your previous posts. Unfortunately I can attest that unhealthy INFJs are the worst in relationships.

    Typically healthy INFJs value healthy doses of independence in relationships and although we love spending time with our partners, we need our alone time too.

    And also with the perfectionist aspect, while we INFJs do realize that our perspectives regarding relationships are idealistic and it’s a bit of our downfall, we don’t take relationships for granted if we are serious about a person. Once we are really set and care about a person, we truly mean it and we are in it for the long haul. It’s a double edged sword tbh.


    Another nope. But hey, I can’t speak for all INFJs. Not every INFJ is the same.

    First relationship was four years, and my last one was three. So another nope. But like I’ve said, not all INFJs are categorized in one huge lump.


    I am going to say this. I’ve met some really shitty ass INTPs, INTJs, and other introverted types. Each MBTI type has their flaws and characteristics that you are bound to dislike. But hey, nobody is perfect.

    And also, I think it’s about time you stop dating INFJs. Let’s face it, you don’t get along with them in terms of relationships and that’s ok. There are other types more suited for INTPs in particular.
     
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    #8 JennyDaniella, Feb 12, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2019
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  9. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    I imagine that the generalized ENTJ approach to dating is very different from the generalized INFJ approach to dating.

    In the past I've rushed things, often to my detriment because I don't like wasting time.

    The big lesson I learned from my past experiences is to stop being so impatient and give others space.

    Maybe more INFJs have the opposite problem and need to work on being more assertive.
     
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    #9 Pin, Feb 12, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2019
  10. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    I’ve been in 6 and 8 year relationships. Both healthy. INFJs have been the only ones to complicate things so much. Not all. Some love me and would be with me forever. Taking a trip with one in a few weeks

    Which types are more suited to INTP? I think it’s my experiences and thoughts on what I prefer as to who I date, thanks
     
    #10 ClevelandINTP, Feb 12, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2019
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  11. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    Ding ding ding. Be assertive and open their mouths in general. Also, stop being sensitive and stop the slamming stuff. Be flexible, etc
     
    #11 ClevelandINTP, Feb 12, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2019
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  12. Icedream

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    I believe that, definitely. MBTI is only good as a guideline, and most INFJs who aren't self aware are very likely unhealthy, and there's a good chance they still are when they do have a good understanding of themselves.
     
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  13. Asa

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    Not necessarily. Though I believe being single and working on self is important and healthy, and being with the wrong person is unhealthy, I don't think INFJs necessarily "stay single longer".

    It is more difficult for less common personality types to find compatible long-term partners, especially if they are not exposed to potential partners because they either don't socialize enough, or socialize in a group that does not share their values. Generational norms may play into this.
    It's possible Gen Z and Millennial INFJs may not settle down as easily, when Gen X, Boomer, Silent Gen, etc INFJs did because marriage was prioritized more in past generations and expectations for relationships were different in the past.

    INFJs are the type to commit to the core and stay with partners. We also crave understanding and deep connections. This means we are more likely to look for qualities that long-term relationships have, instead of having flings.

    Whether you stay single may also have something to do with your upbringing and the values and focus your parents (or guardians and elders) promoted. If you were taught to prioritize marriage and relationships, you are more likely to get and stay married. If you were taught to prioritize personal goals such as education and career, you may be less likely to have a committed long-term relationship (ie marriage) at a young age, or ever.
     
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  14. JennyDaniella

    JennyDaniella Stargazer

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    That only applies for unhealthy INFJs. I can attest that INFJs who lack confidence and self-esteem can’t handle being upfront and know when to speak up for themselves.

    But for those on the healthy spectrum, we INFJs have no problem speaking up and being assertive. The issue is how assertive do we have to be? Because we can be the most assertive person in the entire planet and there will still be some people that doesn’t seem to get it through their head and it’s a total lost cause.

    No? Idk how many times I need to make this clear previously in that doorslam thread. We INFJs do make ourselves known and assertive when need be, and so far from what I’ve been seeing, you’ve been either perhaps spending time with INFJs who are on the unhealthy spectrum and generalizing all INFJs into this one whole group or have this weird agenda against INFJs.
     
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  15. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    Let’s not chalk up every negative behavior to “unhealthy”. Accountability is a big one, too
     
  16. Icedream

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    I agree with Cleveland. Unhealthy INFJs are only more likely to have more negative behaviors, and there's certainly no definite line between healthy and unhealthy.
     
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  17. Asa

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    I'm not even convinced the women @ClevelandINTP has been with (who have "door slammed") him are INFJs. INFJs are one of the most mistyped MBTI, especially due to the silly articles that glamorize some of our traits and appeal to anyone who wants to self-identify as a deep, misunderstood "empath". Ghosting has become normalized in society, too, especially when people break up, and all different types ghost. Basically, @ClevelandINTP is being assertive in a way that a lot of people don't like (such as his persistence that INFJs are door slamming jerks, and his failure to listen to us when we try to explain why door slamming happens.) So, dear @ClevelandINTP - the women you are dating just find you assertive, stubborn and (perhaps) accusatory, and they're ghosting you. Stop worrying about why INFJs door slam and work on why women (possibly of many different types, possibly INFPs, possibly INFJs) keep ghosting you.
     
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  18. JennyDaniella

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    Well no shit. When INFJs know we screwed up, we are happy to admit it and try to fix the issues and resolve them. But so far what I have been seeing from you is someone who is consistently complaining about a few INFJs (who may not be INFJs in the first place) wrongdoings and lumping thousands and thousands of other INFJs across the globe into one whole group for their actions.

    Also who said I was referring to each negative trait? Hence why I said nobody is perfect. Even the most sane and logical person will screw up at some point, that's why you can't hold grudges.

    I had a bad experience with my first partner who was an INTP, but do I blame each INTP because of what he did and how he treated me? Of course not. That would be idiotic and immature.
     
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  19. ClevelandINTP

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    Where to start. Only thing I can say is these are INFJs. INFPs are very different in my opinion, and these are not INFPs. I’ve dated a few and my best female friend of 10 years is an INFP, so I’m hip to the difference. I’m not using “empath” as a criteria of determination.

    I am assertive and headstrong. Not in a controlling way either. Not bad qualities, really. I am very open minded and fair, though. Accusatory is very rare. I generally come from a place of curiosity and am pretty patient. I can be blunt if pushed or in a mood.

    We’re on an INFJ forum, so that’s what I’m focused on. Trying to learn, share and understand. I really do adore the type. Unfortunately, I’ve seen the doorslam so I’m trying to broaden my understanding and offer my perspective. Because I’ve been around INFJs I’ve seen doorslams done to others that I thought were out of too much sensitivity and lack of assertiveness. I was even asked to do it once on their behalf and send the doorslam text. So we all have our experiences
     
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  20. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    Yes, INFJs take accountability and will try to do the right thing. Everyone has good things and opportunities. I never hold grudges.

    Curious if you think the doorslam is a grudge? I can see what it is intended for but it comes across as a grudge.

    I’m not blaming anybody here for this or in general. I adore the type, just sharing perspectives.

    All that said, there are behaviors that INFJs have that I think contribute to them being more single than other types
     
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