So rather than forcing things with someone I don't feel strongly about, I remain single.....but I'm starting to feel really alone in that sentiment, and there aren't many people in my life currently that I can talk to about it or relate to. I guess I just wanted to know, is it common for INFJs to stay single longer than most other personality types? I'd love to hear thoughts from other single INFJs (or INFJs that went through really long stretches of being single). And any advice is appreciated!
I'm going to ignore all of the non-INFJ sidetalk here and respond to the OP with some generalizations and thoughts. I can relate to this. I do believe it likely that INFJs are more likely to stay single if they are already single. We also may be more likely to stay in a relationship if we are already in one. Staying single = because of a deep attachment to authenticity, a need for really soul-deep connection, need to have our type of intensity matched and returned in a healthy way, and perhaps a tendency to think we've made our interest clear enough when we haven't. All of these make the modern model of dating seem shallow and unsatisfying, and feel like looking for a needle in a haystack. Staying in a relationship = because we are extremely loyal and committed, we try to fix relationships from every angle and keep them working (and we're generally good at it), and we avoid conflict so we don't initiate breaking up lightly. Those are the reasons that come to mind.
I also think most people/personalities find the INFJ intensity a bit much to bear, at least the intensity that opens up when one is emotionally intimate with someone else and really feels safe opening up and lets the floodwaters out. That has been my experience throughout life. It takes someone pretty strong and deep to match that.
I say this as someone who was in a 22-year relationship/marriage that ended when he (INTP) left, and who has been single in the 8 years since. I had one deep, emotionally intense friendship (with a suspected INFJ) early on that was everything but sexual, and one two-night stand that was an interesting experiment but left me reeling with emotion for too many months, and since then nothing that would qualify as more than a deep and loving friendship.
So I'm single. But I do cultivate deep friendships and nurture them diligently and lovingly. I think many of my "relationship" needs are met pretty well by my friends, with the exception of sex and partnership. I deeply value my time alone. Once my kids grow up and move out, I'm looking forward to a stretch of time living ALONE. But eventually I expect I will get lonely and seek a partner. If I meet the right person, even now, I would be open to a relationship, but it just hasn't happened.
So far all of the men I've met who have been able to match my depth and intensity have been married or otherwise unavailable. There have certainly been a few, and with some I have had close friendships, but obviously nothing more.
A good friend once advised me to actively do the things I enjoy, and to find ways to connect with others over those interests, and you'll either meet someone compatible or you'll make a good community of friends or both. I think he's right. I can't think of a better approach for an INFJ. I don't think online dating seems helpful {shudder/twitch} and if I spend too much time introverting/hibernating, I don't meet anybody new and I thwart my own prospects.
Anyway, you're not alone. Best of luck to you...
