Closing the door
- Thread starter poetrygirl
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I have done this alot actually. Sometimes with friends, more often with boys. I take so much hurt without saying anything, and then I snap, and I can't take it anymore. I also firmly believe that if someone is causing you more pain / frutration/ hurt than good things, then they aren't worth your time. That's when I give up. And this usually involves getting rid of them, because I can't handle to sorta-do friendships or pretend.
I guess that makes me sound mean.
I guess that makes me sound mean.
i know what you mean. personally, i do it as a last resort. i lose sight of my own needs while accomodating theirs when they're not even conscious of the hurt generated by their actions. when i realize this misunderstanding, i do have the intention of addressing the issue and saving the relationship but usually it is at a point where i feel somewhat used after lucidly being in denial. then i realize, like you said, that they aren't worth my time. i don't like doing this and sometimes after the fact i still do care about them, i just don't make it my effort to be around them anymore.
I have absolutely done this. Even in cases where the issue was more situational or environmental than anything else, I have excised people completely from my life in the past. Off the top of my head I can think of two in particular for whom the separation was both very swift, and totally complete. There was no slowly drifting away in those cases, they just had to be cut off for my own sanity.
Like some others mentioned, I usually get to this point once it becomes clear that the drain on me exceeds any benefit I'm getting out of the deal. Once it reaches that exhausted stage (enervated, really), I will simply get rid of the problem - like removing a malignant tumor.
I actually think more people might be happier if they were able to do this too. My sister is one of them. She has a very serious problem disposing of relationships and people who are only bringing her down.
ETA: On further thought it might be something more akin to removing a bandaid. It's more painful to pull it off slowly than it is to rip the whole bandage away in one quick go.
Like some others mentioned, I usually get to this point once it becomes clear that the drain on me exceeds any benefit I'm getting out of the deal. Once it reaches that exhausted stage (enervated, really), I will simply get rid of the problem - like removing a malignant tumor.
I actually think more people might be happier if they were able to do this too. My sister is one of them. She has a very serious problem disposing of relationships and people who are only bringing her down.
ETA: On further thought it might be something more akin to removing a bandaid. It's more painful to pull it off slowly than it is to rip the whole bandage away in one quick go.
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I think it recently happened to Lucifer (forum member). She is not INFJ, but her friend is - and her friend just took off.
I can't stand closing doors, but I rarely pick up the phone. Some people I try to avoid due to their lack of 'getting it,' though. But, in my mind, even though I haven't talked to my friends and family in many months, the door is not at all closed; they've just yet to walk through it with the proper greeting, I guess.
Ya the snapping problem is something I think most INFj can understand.
I try to not snap but people refuse to give a damn about how I feel so I push them away.
I've got to much to deal with as is.
As I get older I have realized their is only so much we can take and we shouldn't feel bad for not being able to take anymore.
I am in the process of putting someone out of my life. It really comes down to them intruding into your boundaries time and time again. Until you have had enough of it so that you just drop them off your list of things to do. Some people really don't have a clue either. The funny thing is the signs were all there they just never heeded the warnings. Violators will be thrown out and most of them know why they just can't believe you actually did it. I have to be honest with my friends and if I feel that they are not being honest with me I will cut them off.
I have done this for good reasons. The big one is drug use. I don't tolerate it around me. I am a parent and many of my friends aren't, but they usually understand. I have too much to let that be an issue. Another is disloyalty. I expect my friends to treat me with respect and if they don't I can't trust them. It has to be more then once and pretty bad. It isn't something I just do. I give reasons and warnings. I don't like to. The drug one is really hard. I am studying to be an addictions counselor, but I am still studying and I can't associate with it. My friends usually understand, but some don't and it is more sad then anything else.
I think it might happen with INFJ types because we are so caring and we listen and sometimes it becomes too much. People don't always see us and forget. (Wow, that was vague, but best I can do.)
I think it might happen with INFJ types because we are so caring and we listen and sometimes it becomes too much. People don't always see us and forget. (Wow, that was vague, but best I can do.)
I do it if it is the most reasonable thing I know to do. If the person would feel badly in a sincere way, I won't shut them out regardless of what happened. If the person has ill intent, then it makes no sense to put energy out to maintain the connection. We all have our little days in the world and not that many people will fit. That's why I filter people in favor of those for whom it is in both of our better interests to remain connected to each other in some manner.
I do it, but rarely with people who have come to mean a lot to me, either by design (long term friends) or accident (family). I tend to give those people a chance from time to time, spaced out by a few months to a year of silence from me if they really manage to piss me off.
On the other hand, with barely established friendships or acquaintances, I don't hesistate to close the door, and I will do it for even minor discrepencies with my moral code. If they are on another wavelength that I disagree with, it will cause me pain and frustration putting up with them, and they will have a false friend in me, because they will assume I agree with them when I don't. Commiting more time to this kind of relationship would be folly. I know inside that it will turn out badly in the end, so I save both parties the bother by closing off lines of communication in the early stages.
On the other hand, with barely established friendships or acquaintances, I don't hesistate to close the door, and I will do it for even minor discrepencies with my moral code. If they are on another wavelength that I disagree with, it will cause me pain and frustration putting up with them, and they will have a false friend in me, because they will assume I agree with them when I don't. Commiting more time to this kind of relationship would be folly. I know inside that it will turn out badly in the end, so I save both parties the bother by closing off lines of communication in the early stages.
I think I did this more readily until a number--most--of my friends did this to me after the stroke. In some cases I think the changes in me, both pjysical and mental, made them uncomfortable. In one case at least, and my closest friend at that, she was afraid I'd become dependent on her to a degree she couldn't handle. She'd had a brother who was disabled and took care of him; she didn't want to do the same with me.
Knowing how it feels to be cut off has changed my perspective somewhat, though if I feel a relationship is really toxic, of course I would do it again.
Knowing how it feels to be cut off has changed my perspective somewhat, though if I feel a relationship is really toxic, of course I would do it again.
The only significant time I have done this (ie. to a good friend) was when he expected me to compromise my values in a major way. Never spoke to him even once since that day, about six years ago.
I did this about half a year back to my best friend. We had an argument, where she decided all of us would get together to do something horrifically inconvenient for me and something I didn't want to do in the first place. Her take was that it didn't matter and I just had to do it to prove that my friends were worth it for me, and I disagreed.
I was also suffering from hormonal imbalance, mad stress and SAD at the time, which she just brushed off the table. We did make up but she did her usual "I wasn't angry just disappointed" shtick which just offended me further since she was quite obviously lying, so I shut her out for half a year until I had the desire to interact with her again.
Not my most gracious moment, but not hers either. And wow it took a half year to mend that relationship? Man I can get nutty sometimes. Note to self: don't let it get that far again.
I was also suffering from hormonal imbalance, mad stress and SAD at the time, which she just brushed off the table. We did make up but she did her usual "I wasn't angry just disappointed" shtick which just offended me further since she was quite obviously lying, so I shut her out for half a year until I had the desire to interact with her again.
Not my most gracious moment, but not hers either. And wow it took a half year to mend that relationship? Man I can get nutty sometimes. Note to self: don't let it get that far again.
Do INFJs sometimes 'slam the door' on people just to see how it feels? Now that I think about it I may have done this to people in the past but these were people I wasn't emotionally attached to, people that I knew had bad intentions. I could never do this to someone I care about, not unless they significantly changed for the worse. Would you close the door on someone you have feelings for?
Tried closing the door with someone I had feelings for but it didn't last. I couldn't lock someone out of my life when I wanted them in it so badly.
The only time I've truly closed the door on someone was when they went from a minor inconvenience, to an intrusion, to a person that would call me multiple times a day. I tried my best to explain that I wasn't interested in a relationship but she never really understood (I think she took my listening ear as a sign that I was interested romantically). I hated cutting someone off like that but I figured it was best in the end for both of us.
The only time I've truly closed the door on someone was when they went from a minor inconvenience, to an intrusion, to a person that would call me multiple times a day. I tried my best to explain that I wasn't interested in a relationship but she never really understood (I think she took my listening ear as a sign that I was interested romantically). I hated cutting someone off like that but I figured it was best in the end for both of us.