Closing the door
- Thread starter poetrygirl
- Start date
it pains me to have closed the door on someone i still have feelings for and the pain is always present, likened to a dysthymic question mark that is made irrelevant by intellectualization. it so happens that it was for the best for both of us. there are times in my life where i do close the door and do not look back. however, there are these very few times where closing the door means a constant effort in keeping it shut, precisely because it tempts by illusion, yet leads to harm.
I had to, on my father, and two step fathers. Also, with most men.
Me and my father were actually very close, but when my parents split up, long story short, he became (or I became more aware) a bit nasty. My second step father was abusive, from when I was around 7-13. Then, my last step dad once had an arguement with my Mum on my birthday, and threw a cup at the wall. (He never hurt either of us, but he had a foul temper and he always degraded me or completely ignored me or my feelings.)
There are other incidents, but it's harder to explain. But, these situations have made me completely shut them out of my life, and last time I saw my father was at my Grandad's funeral 4 years ago. I'm not really bothered by it, just upset that i may have hurt them.
Me and my father were actually very close, but when my parents split up, long story short, he became (or I became more aware) a bit nasty. My second step father was abusive, from when I was around 7-13. Then, my last step dad once had an arguement with my Mum on my birthday, and threw a cup at the wall. (He never hurt either of us, but he had a foul temper and he always degraded me or completely ignored me or my feelings.)
There are other incidents, but it's harder to explain. But, these situations have made me completely shut them out of my life, and last time I saw my father was at my Grandad's funeral 4 years ago. I'm not really bothered by it, just upset that i may have hurt them.
).
yah...... I DO THIS A LOT.......
i had "friends" whom i really want..
then when we shared our experiences and things together.... i opened to her some of who i am
and i guess..... she judged me.......
i guess she didn't want me.. because she doesn't accept me for who i am
and a lot of people do this to me.....
that's why i always feel rejected and unloved.....
so to protect myself from them and because i get hurt A LOT.....
i do this..... when they talked to me, i would answer them but i WILL appear COLD
to them.....
i just want to run away from them
well call it immature becaue i know it's kind of immature
but......i just don't want to get hurt ALWAYS.....
i had "friends" whom i really want..
then when we shared our experiences and things together.... i opened to her some of who i am
and i guess..... she judged me.......
i guess she didn't want me.. because she doesn't accept me for who i am
and a lot of people do this to me.....
that's why i always feel rejected and unloved.....
so to protect myself from them and because i get hurt A LOT.....
i do this..... when they talked to me, i would answer them but i WILL appear COLD
to them.....i just want to run away from them
well call it immature becaue i know it's kind of immature
but......i just don't want to get hurt ALWAYS.....
Yes; built-in defense mechanism. Not meaning to single a person out, I have sometimes shut the door to most everyone except maybe those closest to me or those that are necessary. I do see it as a defensive move. Sometimes I have the tendency to read into visits that are not in my best interest and possibly feel some negativity from....even aggression from said visits. The way I am made up, I would rather close the door than to continue forcing myself into an area I feel disrespectfully taken advantage of by others. When I feel the threat has gone away, the door will be reopened. It is sad to say some folk may not understand this action(or lack of action), but in general I may not be up to their actions or words at the time. It certainly is not a weakness, though it may appear so. Those that have bad intentions get the message, which is the great part of the outcome. Sad thing is when one or two bad apples ruin the whole bunch. The beauty about life is we do not have to deal with those we feel do not come in peace and harmony. They may knock on the door, but nobody answers. C'est la vie.....such is life.
I've always wondered why I can be so brutal and then I read up on it only a few days ago. It all made sense. It's like someone will push and push me and I'll be accepting of it, but thinking furiously about all these future events that might see it work out. Finally, finally I don't see any strands where it will work out, and wham, the door slams.
The second last time was four weeks ago at work with a work friend (acquaintance) who kept on commenting about my work ethic after I had quit. Don't ever comment on my work ethic! Even after I quit I had sleepless nights trying to figure out how to make everyone happy in the few weeks I had left!
The last time was a week ago .. I door slammed a friend. She laid claim to being a certain type of person (similar to me) which led me to opening up to her, sharing part of myself. But she wasn't. I found out and felt betrayed to be honest. I can't see a friendship surviving betrayal.
The second last time was four weeks ago at work with a work friend (acquaintance) who kept on commenting about my work ethic after I had quit. Don't ever comment on my work ethic! Even after I quit I had sleepless nights trying to figure out how to make everyone happy in the few weeks I had left!
The last time was a week ago .. I door slammed a friend. She laid claim to being a certain type of person (similar to me) which led me to opening up to her, sharing part of myself. But she wasn't. I found out and felt betrayed to be honest. I can't see a friendship surviving betrayal.
Sadly Efromm you let this person back in cause you wanted to believe that they would change. He didn't and you finally can say goodbye to him and the rest of the rats that hung out with him. It became a multi pronged multi person disconnecting. I'm dumping peeps as fast as I can these days. I prefer my own company. I know what I'm going to do. I don't have to wait for me to show up. And I can fuck myself over fine. I don't need anymore help there. Damn efromm your a fuking slow learner.
I slam the door shut sometimes and feel like it comes back and hits me in the nose later.
I wanna say welcome back, but these are trying circumstances... some leopards don't change their spots. Welcome back anyway... and I'm sorry
I've never left really. I post in my blog when the mood strikes. I read posts. I just don't respond a lot. I don't have a lot to say these days. Life is struggle. It makes you better. We usually don't see it until later. The a hole I was referring too robbed me of my pay. He was paid for the job I did and he kept the money. Plus as a bonus I paid him for my bicycle parts which he already owed me and he ordered my parts and then sold them instead of calling me and letting me know they were in. It cost me so called friends but I see I'm better off not being associated with the anyone who hangs with him. I've known he was a snake. I just thought he'd stop biting me. I was wrong. Lesson learned.I wanna say welcome back, but these are trying circumstances... some leopards don't change their spots. Welcome back anyway... and I'm sorry