Children! | INFJ Forum

Children!

Blind Bandit

Blind Bandit

Blind Man Being Lead to Nowhere
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Jan 28, 2009
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I keep the title ambiguous so more people would post in the thread.

The idea of Children has been weighting heavily on my mind. For the last couple of weeks along with many other heavy life related topics.

I know that to be a happy successful human being we must deal with the stage of life that deals with nurturing the next generation. Weather that means having children or working within the community to give back. This is a vital stage at least if you agree with Erik Erikson.

I will be 25 this coming September. This year is flying by faster than any I've ever experienced. And my thoughts have turned to the question that we must all face do I want children or not? Would I be a good father? Would I repeat all the mistakes my parents made? What would I do if they was nothing like me and they couldn't relate to me? Will I ever find someone I wanted to have kids with? Will I have the money to raise them the way I would like? Will I be able to cope with being a disabled parent and still be a good parent?

So what are you thoughts on Children and being a parent? If your a parent please share your experiences. If not share what you feel on this subject.
 
Blind Bandit said:
I keep the title ambiguous so more people would post in the thread.

The idea of Children has been weighting heavily on my mind. For the last couple of weeks along with many other heavy life related topics.

I know that to be a happy successful human being we must deal with the stage of life that deals with nurturing the next generation. Weather that means having children or working within the community to give back. This is a vital stage at least if you agree with Erik Erikson.

I will be 25 this coming September. This year is flying by faster than any I've ever experienced. And my thoughts have turned to the question that we must all face do I want children or not? Would I be a good father? Would I repeat all the mistakes my parents made? What would I do if they was nothing like me and they couldn't relate to me? Will I ever find someone I wanted to have kids with? Will I have the money to raise them the way I would like? Will I be able to cope with being a disabled parent and still be a good parent?

So what are you thoughts on Children and being a parent? If your a parent please share your experiences. If not share what you feel on this subject.
Click to expand...
I'm no parent but from what you're worried about and your desire to help out the next generation you seem like you would be an excellent father.

From what I understand, the experience isn't a "I'm ready to be a father" step. It's more of a "I'm ready to learn how to be a father" commitment.

As far as your other questions, I'm wondering some of them myself
 
As much as I like children I have very little intention of having any of my own, not during the crucial stages of establishing myself in my ideal carrer path.
Personally I would prefer to adopt.
Growing up in a large family, I have the experience and knowledge on looking after children and taking responsibility but being a parent and role model is a completely different ball game and its not one that I intend to play yet.
I am in no rush to form a family of my own any time soon.
Maybe I will in ten or so year's time, if it happens it happens. No worries here.
 
I plan on having children as soon as I'm ready to give up on my own life. So about 63 then.
 
Blind Bandit said:
I keep the title ambiguous so more people would post in the thread.

The idea of Children has been weighting heavily on my mind. For the last couple of weeks along with many other heavy life related topics.

I know that to be a happy successful human being we must deal with the stage of life that deals with nurturing the next generation. Weather that means having children or working within the community to give back. This is a vital stage at least if you agree with Erik Erikson.

I will be 25 this coming September. This year is flying by faster than any I've ever experienced. And my thoughts have turned to the question that we must all face do I want children or not? Would I be a good father? Would I repeat all the mistakes my parents made? What would I do if they was nothing like me and they couldn't relate to me? Will I ever find someone I wanted to have kids with? Will I have the money to raise them the way I would like? Will I be able to cope with being a disabled parent and still be a good parent?

So what are you thoughts on Children and being a parent? If your a parent please share your experiences. If not share what you feel on this subject.
Click to expand...

Having children can be very scary because you simply do not know how it will work out; it is a leap of faith!

But I will tell you that there is not a thing in the world wrong with having children in your 30s. 25 is a bit young to start panicking! Especially since you are a man and your biological clock has a little more wiggle room than it woud if you were female. Having children in my 30s has been great for me.

Like you, I worried about passing my own disability on to my children and thankfully, I didn't -- I did not want them to have to deal with being hearing impaired. However, we've managed to cope just fine, and they have perfect hearing.

If you bond with your children when they are babies, by holding them a LOT and caring for them, that bond will last a lifetime, no matter what personality differences may arise later in life. Babies want to be held, loved, and fed, and as they get older, talked to and played with: that's all you have to do. (You have to do it 24/7, which is where the difficulty comes in, but the requirements themselves are easy.)

You can't really be the sort of person who lives for partying and things like that, and find parenting fulfilling.

I don't know, Bandit -- all I can tell you is it is a leap of faith, you have to throw yourself into it wholeheartedly for the first several years. And then amazingly, they start to become more independent. I haven't regretted having children for a moment, though I was very worried about it before my husband and I made the decision to have children in our 30s.

And yes, you would be a good father because you care. :hug:
 
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If you wait until your ready to have kids, you'll never be ready.
 
Three days after my oldest was born and we were totally sleep deprived, we asked ourselves, "what did we do to our lives?" Twenty seven years later I can say that having children was the best thing we've done, bar none.
 
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:)

I don't think you can ever be prepared for children. Whether they come from your loins or they come from adoption they will be *yours* and you will be the best parent you can be when the time comes.

Heck, I'm not even sure if I'm ready for kids, and I'm in my early 40s. If I ended up marrying a man now his kids will probably be teens or in college, but he'd probably have a ready-made family. But if the right person came along and the timing was right, I'd learn how to be a parent because those children would be part of my family - and part of my husband's life. How could I not learn to love them?
 
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I'd love to have kids. It'll never happen though - I don't think I would make a good husband.
 
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Blind Bandit said:
I keep the title ambiguous so more people would post in the thread.

The idea of Children has been weighting heavily on my mind. For the last couple of weeks along with many other heavy life related topics.

I know that to be a happy successful human being we must deal with the stage of life that deals with nurturing the next generation. Weather that means having children or working within the community to give back. This is a vital stage at least if you agree with Erik Erikson.

I will be 25 this coming September. This year is flying by faster than any I've ever experienced. And my thoughts have turned to the question that we must all face do I want children or not? Would I be a good father? Would I repeat all the mistakes my parents made? What would I do if they was nothing like me and they couldn't relate to me? Will I ever find someone I wanted to have kids with? Will I have the money to raise them the way I would like? Will I be able to cope with being a disabled parent and still be a good parent?

So what are you thoughts on Children and being a parent? If your a parent please share your experiences. If not share what you feel on this subject.
Click to expand...


Another question tailor-made for me I see. Wow, when did I become the voice when it comes to children? I may have to muse about that one on my blog later. But as to your question, I think I'll just post my random musings on the subject. That usually seems to work out the best.

I personally thought very little about having children pretty well right up until the time I had them. I always figured in the back of my mind that I would have one (or some), but it was all very vague and didn't hold my interest long. I was doing too much learning. It's funny, because now they are what my world revolves around and are in my thoughts all the time. Even in my writings, I think of them reading my stuff as adults and wonder what they will think.

I wasn't really too afraid of raising one, but the whole birth process itself was daunting to me. I'd been around kids (even babies), but not hospitals or expecting mothers. But I have to say the actual birth is a true miracle and something you never forget. Make sure you're there Bandit! We take pieces of ourselves, our genes and our pains and our dreams, and create these totally unique alternate versions of us. What could be more wonderful! Or more fun?

No you do not need to be "ready", no one ever is. It's a unique experience and has to be lived. Like they said above, you just have to be open to learning to be one. Children will teach you as much or more than you will teach them, so it's a great experience for both if you are open to it, and look upon it as a privilege and not a burden. It's comforting to me since I think of my legacy (what I will leave that will carry one my ideals and beliefs) quite often and know that it rests in the hands and hearts of those I trust and love so much.

For the record, I think you'll make a great father BB!
 
I hope to have kids someday. It seems like a great adventure. There seems to be so many benefits to being a parent. You get to influence them with your knowledge and insight, and see the potential they have. If you have your own children, it would be amazing to see how they take after you. They could have a very different personality than yours, but still share certain aspects of themselves with you.
I want to experience the kind of love a parent has for their child. It seems like it would be almost indescribable. Yes, you are responsible for their whole life for a while, and you have to give up some things for their sake, but it looks to me like it would be worth it.
My parents had the same worries that I think all parents do. They weren't perfect, but who is? I'm glad they decided to have children, because they're great parents that many people wish they had. I wouldn't want to give up the opportunity to be that kind of parent to someone.
 
I want children. I know it's a huge challenge but I still want them (at least 1!).

Unfortunately, it seems that most of the people both male and female in my age group (30s) who share my values (liberal, not religious, worldly) and are still single do not want kids. Even a lot of my married friends say they will never have kids. I don't really understand it, and I think it's a shame, because they are intelligent people and good citizens, and I think they would be good parents, raising good kids. It's great that they have thought it through and come to a decision rather than having kids by accident, but I think a lot of people are overthinking it. It's a shame that so many people think they wouldn't be a good parent (self-fulfilling prophecy) and even use their supposed "bad genes" as an excuse. Back in the day, most kids were accidents/unplanned - and most of them turned out just fine.

Some people do change their minds on this issue... Men have the luxury of having more time to change their minds. Women do not. I don't want to wait until I am 40+ and then have a child at much higher risk for disabilities. And I don't want to settle for an unsuitable partner, who I marry just b/c they are willing to start a family and I can't find anyone else. Nor would I lie to a guy and stop my taking my pills or something deceptive like that. It's not completely up to me. So, I am worried that I will never find a suitable partner to have children with.

I can't talk to most of my friends about this b/c they don't want kids, so they wouldn't understand. And a lot of my married friends haven't been single in so long they don't understand what that's like either. I feel pretty alone on this issue.
 
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I do not want to become a parent of children of my own, I feel, that reproducing in a world where there are so many children who need adopting is just silly. HOWEVER.

I would not adopt children before establishing my career, and, I would not adopt children without a stable sort of 'relationship' with another person so that the child would feel they have a balance in their life.

I would prefer to be a temporary foster parent for children, this way the care-taking will only last a few years at most, and it will be mostly older teenage kids that are transitioning from abusive, dysfunctional homes. This will be more challenging and rewarding for me. I would like to do this when I am at least 30+, no sooner than thirty.
 
Blind Bandit said:
So what are you thoughts on Children and being a parent? If your a parent please share your experiences. If not share what you feel on this subject.
Click to expand...

I may catch a lot of shit for saying this but I do not think that being a parent is something everyone needs to actualize in order to live a successful life.

Cliche as it sounds to say, wayyyy too many people are parents who should not be. Ha. Nurturing the next generation? This generation of kids is the XBox generation. There's little to no nurturement.

I plan on never getting pregnant or giving birth. I think there are enough orphans and abused children who need safe and stable homes. Once I am established financially (and in my mid 40s and tired of living capriciously) I plan on adopting children. Preferably teenagers since they are less often taken in and to bounce back and forth between foster homes and orphanages is a horrible start.
 
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The way I see it, we are all children and parents of each other, regardless of our ages and affiliations, until we die. Sure, the little toddler is quite helpless in certain areas, but the parent should also be prepared to learn from the kid, because especially in this century it is very likely that the kid may very early outperform the parent in many crucial areas of life. So, it's pretty much mutual learning, not one-sided.
 
slant said:
I would prefer to be a temporary foster parent for children, this way the care-taking will only last a few years at most, and it will be mostly older teenage kids that are transitioning from abusive, dysfunctional homes. This will be more challenging and rewarding for me. I would like to do this when I am at least 30+, no sooner than thirty.
Click to expand...
Thats a cool idea, and one that I'd think would fit for me too. Foster parenting is something I would certainly be up for, but my age range would be a little lower I think.

I am still rather undecided on the whole having kids thing, though.
 
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