Cheating

[TK*]

What are your views on cheating on spouses/significant others? Have you done this in the past? Why or why not?

This question was asked on the INFP forum, and surprisingly, so many of them were freely admitting having affairs because they were too afraid to leave the relationship or break up.

Am I the only one who's really really offended by this? I personally think cheating is like the WORST possible thing you can do to your SO. If you don't want to be with your SO you should just break up with them. Cheating on them is not only cowardly, it's just so awful and disgusting! I personally could NEVER cheat on someone, even someone I wasn't happy with. I would break up with him first before engaging with someone else.

Thoughts?

 

[Wyote]

If a person doesn't have the willpower (balls) to leave the person BEFORE sleeping with somebody else, they shouldn't be in a relationship.

Never cheat, unless your life depends on it.

 

[Shai Gar]

I personally think cheating is like the WORST possible thing you can do to your SO. If you don't want to be with your SO you should just break up with them.

Feel the same way. I'd dump the girl on the spot and take everything i left at her place. If we were not still together at the time, then I'd dredge up every ancient law in Australia that is still legally permissible and have her charged.

I believe that cheating is the worst possible thing you can do, it doesn't take any effort to call her up over the phone and dump her, or use sms.

 

[IndigoSensor]

I would never cheat on anyone, EVER (I might feel an urge, but will never act on it), it so cruel and shows so much about there inner character.

However, I know for a fact that if someone cheated on me, I would forgive them. I am much too forgiving.

 

[Quinlan]

It's horrific, I can't see how you could do that to someone you love.

 

[Lurker]

Me cheating = Black and white: No, never, nada!

SO cheating = Black and white: It's over.

I'm completely blinded to other people when I'm in a relationship, I'm all or nothing and simply cannot spread my affection so if I had the urge to cheat on my SO that's a sign that things are so terribly, terribly wrong. I’m big time attracted to intellect and personality over looks, as cheating is about physical lust I cannot see anyone ever getting that kind of attention from me where I could consider cheating without ending my relationship beforehand.

 

[arbygil]

I couldn't cheat on anyone. For me, if we're together we stay together. It's hard enough for me to fall in love so once I do, we're bonded, baby. No ifs ands or buts about it. We're as good as married in my eyes - the only remaining hiccup is the ceremony.

If we have problems we talk it out. If there's something going on, we're honest about it and we choose to express it honestly. Temptations I can handle - people get tempted, and I can handle something like that. I could even handle it if flirting was involved. But the deed? No. I can't even fathom his unfaithfulness if we've been 100% honest with each other.

I've mellowed in my years, though. When I was younger, cheating would be an absolute deal breaker, full stop. Now? I'd have to understand why it happened, and I'd have to see if there'd be a way to salvage the relationship. I'd be horribly hurt and it would take me a long time to get through it, but if he's honestly repentant about it and he wants to stay together then we could try working things out.

But shattering my heart ain't a great way to keep a relationship strong.

 

[enigma]

Cheating is a definite nono. Not ever.

I had a friend who had a brief fling and wanted to fess up to her BF. Now some may find this strange advice, but I told her not to. WHy? Because I felt she needed to carry the entire burden on her own. SHe said she made a bad mistake and would never do it again (and she hasn't). Sure, maybe he had the right to know, I don't know, but I felt that if she really truely cared about him she would never do it again, and would spare him the pain of knowing. SHe was going to have to live with this, all by herself. But then I'm no Dear Abby either.

 

[TK*]

I don't know if I agree with that. He has the right to know. He's under the assumption that she's faithful, or has been faithful when obviously it was all a lie. He should have that choice available to him to dump her or not because of this. Denying him that chance could set him up for future disaster later.

If my BF cheated on me, I would want to know.

 

[Shai Gar]

I don't know if I agree with that. He has the right to know. He's under the assumption that she's faithful, or has been faithful when obviously it was all a lie. He should have that choice available to him to dump her or not because of this.

exactly.

 

[Silently Honest]

When it comes to this subject, I'm conflicted, or a horrible person.

 

[enigma]

I can see merits either way, but I don't think you should do it just assuage your own guilt. You did a horrible thing, so suffer. Telling and getting dumped would cause a great deal of suffering too... I mean, what if it wasn't 'all a lie'? What if someone just made a mistake?I still say it is wrong wrong wrong either way, but do you really think, if it were a one time mistake, it would be worth ruining the whole relationship? I just don't know....

 

[Shai Gar]

a mistake where they just happen to slip pull down their pants and stuff their cock into a random vagoo? or just happen to pull off their pants, spread their legs and get a cock shoved in?


one hell of a mistake.

 

[enigma]

ROTFL!

 

[Quinlan]

To me, carrying on and hiding it is a far worse deception than the original "mistake" itself.

 

[civilianjones]

A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.

"Love" is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own... Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy.

I feel that the aversion to cheating is largely a jealousy issue. Heinlein speaks for me on jealousy.

I was going to say that I support people in a relationship being able to have sex with others- but that isn't cheating, since it's not breaking any of the rules in the relationship. So I guess I am against cheating.

 

[ZenCat]

I feel that the aversion to cheating is largely a jealousy issue. Heinlein speaks for me on jealousy.

I think about cheating as an Honor issue, rather than a Jealousy issue.

Your own honor, and the honor of the person you are cheating on, and the third party, too, if they are unaware that you are in a relationship (which happens).

Cheating absolutely disgusts me. I've never cheated on a partner, I ended it if it was unfulfilling enough that others attracted me that strongly. The few times I've been cheated on by a boyfriend (never a husband) I ended the relationship.

If you aren't in a mutually open relationship, then having sex outside of it is cheating. Cheating is deception. If you feel compelled to broaden your field of sexual partners in a committed, monogamous relationship, your partner should be advised of this BEFOREHAND, in order to make a choice themselves.

 

[Shaz]

How about free love? What do you think of couple who have purely sexual affairs with other people while having only one emotional/spiritual partner, when both people are ok with it?

I guess you could say cheating starts where the other partner suffers from it, right?

 

[Motor Jax]

have i cheated? yes...

is it wrong? yes...

am i going to contradict myself if i said i am against it? yes...



i am not going to name how many times or what the timeframes were... nor am i going to lie and say that i never did it (not saying that everyone else is lying, just i'm not going to lie about it)...


maybe my experience would shed some light on the other side of the coin...

did i feel any better about it afterwards? not really...

did it make me into a 'bad person'? in a sense, it did... and i dealt with it privately, accordingly...


i don't talk about my sex life much, perhaps because i am a really private person when it comes to that...

 

[Quinlan]

How about free love? What do you think of couple who have purely sexual affairs with other people while having only one emotional/spiritual partner, when both people are ok with it?

I guess you could say cheating starts where the other partner suffers from it, right?

I'd say it depends on the expectations in the relationship, the whole concept of "cheating" comes about when you break the implied or stated "rules" of the relationship. If you break the rule and deceive your partner then the trust that is fundamental to the relationship can and usually does get broken (for good reason). If both partners go into an open relationship then there is no rule to be broken, it's the breaking of the trust that really matters I think, not so much a jealousy thing.