Afraid you won't find what you want in a person?

[rainrise]

at present, cultivating the capacity to give love is enough.

in the past, i've exhausted myself in ascertaining whether the other held the interest as deeply as i or if they were truly on par with how i felt toward them. i had romanticized the ideal relationship and have learned many things that a relationship is not. for one, it is not ideal because that exists in the mind. that is not to say there is no love since love exists in our own capacity to give and is devoid of lack in a wanting for the other person to reciprocate.

i've learned that if i loved, i did love and will always, regardless of how that very person loved me. yes, i had been hurt in assuming that they did not, but how am i to ever ascertain whether they did or not? in fact, even if they did not, i don't believe i could have loved them any less. now i know that the love i give does not depend on the love i want to receive. i can only show them love, taking it as true that they also have the same capacity.

it is always somewhat difficult to keep this in mind as my mind does wander off with desires, reverting back into old thought cycles. yet, i find that in doing so that i save myself a lot of unnecessary pain and resistance. perhaps, it is a constant striving to love without conditions, however unattainable/idealistic that may sound.

 

[Krumplenump]

Being a pretty balanced INFJ, i've come up with ideal traits in a person but through a stand-offish perspective. It's so weird, but I know what will and will not work for me. But my expectations are so high, so wonderful, that i'm afraid i'll only come to be disappointed. But I know intuitively, totally un-egotistically, that I cannot settle for less.

Do any of you feel this fear?

YES. I also feel I have a mature outlook on this (I'm 20), especially when I hear how most people talk about the opposite sex amongst their friends/colleagues.
I fear what you fear for the same reason - my standards are so high and I feel I am uncontrollably seeking the perfect person, but almost in vain since I fear someone like that for me may not exist. Well, I did feel this way more in the recent past, until...:

Have any of you met such a person to equal yourselves? Your standards? Or how have you dealt (how are you dealing) with such a fear?

I have met someone whose character I not only feel compatible with, but feel that life with them could be nothing but good stuff. I have difficulty finding any flaws with this person, which is odd because I usually tear people apart with my high expectations!
Now, how I am dealing with such a fear now that I have found someone that fills the void I feared would never be filled? I can't really deal with it because she has just got married, lol.
However, I pick up overwhelming indicators that she has done so for the wrong reasons and that she is happier and far more herself when around me, even in such small things as just talking a walk together. Therefore the fear of never finding someone has sort of been replaced with the pain and frustration of not being able to attain what is in front of me!

But concerning your issue, I'm sure there IS someone (several people perhaps) for everyone, and never force yourself to settle for less than your high standards in my opinion - or you will have settled for a life of not being you!

 

[Jana]

I am not afraid that. I am afraid that that person won't love me back. I had loves, but only two times when I thought "Well, I would like you to come in my home and stay there for a long time (10, 20, 30... years).", it was rather impossible.
So my fear is that.

 

[Faye]

I'm afraid I wont find someone period, much less what I want in them.

 

[Eniko]

However, I pick up overwhelming indicators that she has done so for the wrong reasons and that she is happier and far more herself when around me, even in such small things as just talking a walk together.

Be careful with this. I'm not saying it's what's happening but Ni can make you misread things and cloud your intuition when you're emotionally involved in a situation. Like I said, I don't know if this is the case or not but I've seen too many of my friends in similar situations project what they wanted onto the other person and got hurt for it later to not speak up about it.

 

[just me]

I'm afraid I wont find someone period, much less what I want in them.

Been there before.

 

[rainrise]

Been there before.

i think i'm there now

 

[Zero Angel]

Be careful with this. I'm not saying it's what's happening but Ni can make you misread things and cloud your intuition when you're emotionally involved in a situation. Like I said, I don't know if this is the case or not but I've seen too many of my friends in similar situations project what they wanted onto the other person and got hurt for it later to not speak up about it.

Actually, Ni has the potential to be an extremely accurate process. Its more that our personal feelings can interfere our intuition. People can fall victim to wishful thinking, prejudices and personal dramas regardless of which cognitive processes they use. It's true that having an Ni/Fe combo can cause these things to be blown way out of proportion.

EDIT: I just noticed your post on "Dating and Intuition for INFJs". What an excellent description of how Ni works.

 

[just me]

i think i'm there now

There may be future times when you cherish such past times. Been there, too. You may one day actually wish you were alone again. Sometimes people feel a bit of a rush while feeling alone and end up in the wrong place. Enjoy the moment if you can understand someone somewhere has it worse from making a hasty decision based on fear of being alone....

 

[Jana]

if you can understand someone somewhere has it worse from making a hasty decision based on fear of being alone....

I fear of such mistake...I try not to think about what I should do (because I or others expect it) than about what I want. Complicated.

 

[tea&buiscits]

would an infj consider dating an enfp? my daughter is infj and i really do think ye have the best personality type of all. ye are like a more evolved version of enfp. i would take such good care of an infj boyfriend.if i could just find myself one!

 

[yepunsarang]

YES. I also feel I have a mature outlook on this (I'm 20), especially when I hear how most people talk about the opposite sex amongst their friends/colleagues.
I fear what you fear for the same reason - my standards are so high and I feel I am uncontrollably seeking the perfect person, but almost in vain since I fear someone like that for me may not exist. Well, I did feel this way more in the recent past, until...:


I have met someone whose character I not only feel compatible with, but feel that life with them could be nothing but good stuff. I have difficulty finding any flaws with this person, which is odd because I usually tear people apart with my high expectations!

Now, how I am dealing with such a fear now that I have found someone that fills the void I feared would never be filled? I can't really deal with it because she has just got married, lol.
However, I pick up overwhelming indicators that she has done so for the wrong reasons and that she is happier and far more herself when around me, even in such small things as just talking a walk together. Therefore the fear of never finding someone has sort of been replaced with the pain and frustration of not being able to attain what is in front of me!

But concerning your issue, I'm sure there IS someone (several people perhaps) for everyone, and never force yourself to settle for less than your high standards in my opinion - or you will have settled for a life of not being you!

Aww thank you Krumplenup! But i'm so sorry to hear that she is married... But you know what, although that is heartbreaking, it's a sign that shows how there are people out there who CAN fill your expectations or nearly.

Yup, my main fear is really compatibility~ I know that I could be a "good wife" for a whole lot of people because I have all the traits of loyalty, trustworthiness, steadiness, kindness, optimism. But the real deal is always finding a fit, and a fit is of course, never easy for an INFJ. But Krumplenup, thanks for your optimistic response...that's what I love about INFJs... many of us tend to try and see the sunshine without being unrealistic.

 

[yepunsarang]

I fear of such mistake...I try not to think about what I should do (because I or others expect it) than about what I want. Complicated.

yeah~ definitely...this comes back to the dependency thing. Healthy INFJs tend to be a strong, great, invincible bunch. But this can become an issue if people start to see you consistently as "the hero." INFJs being "good hearted" and empathetic can eventually end up sacrificing their ideals, their wants, what would make themselves stay healthy, for helping someone else. I can also imagine INFJs staying in abusive relationships...eek. So there's always the fine line between helping others and helping yourself.

I actually have this wonderful INFP friend...she's wonderful in many, many ways. But there is a lot wanting in her~ I feel like there's a hole inside of her because of her uncertainty of identity, wants, and emotional ups and downs. As the "wiser", more intuitive, less emotional, and solid INFJ, I have to succumb to sacrificing my energy, my happiness, and everything else to keep her afloat. It's exhausting, and NOT my idea of what i'd like to be doing in a relationship. But I love her

 

[yepunsarang]

Actually, Ni has the potential to be an extremely accurate process. Its more that our personal feelings can interfere our intuition. People can fall victim to wishful thinking, prejudices and personal dramas regardless of which cognitive processes they use. It's true that having an Ni/Fe combo can cause these things to be blown way out of proportion.

EDIT: I just noticed your post on "Dating and Intuition for INFJs". What an excellent description of how Ni works.

Very interesting...I definitely agree with this. "N" though seemingly irrational, is based on some solid stuff (though not thoroughly apparent). BUT if "N" is consistently paired with emotion! Uh-oh! It's like being blindly in love.

The trick is always being able to be empathetic, but also allowing yourself to step away from your emotions and look at your situation in a very stand-offish way. This is essentially what i've done with getting a sense of what my "ideal person" would be like.

Intuition can be a very powerful tool if you use it right...

 

[acd]

Pretty much all I've done is settle for guys I think I can 'teach' or 'help' and then I put them on a pedastool, attibuting to them traits they don't deserve.

No more of that.

I don't really know what you mean by "met anyone equal to myself."
I'm no longer so idealistic and romantic as I used to be.
I'd just like to run into someone someday who is mature, responsible, honest, sensitive and open-minded ( hilarious would be nice, too.)

I'm sort of jaded and bitter right now, and snarling at the idea of any and all men, so it seems like I'll never find what I want in a person.. But statistically, I know the odds are in my favor. The whole world isn't full of scumbags.