Afraid you won't find what you want in a person?

[yepunsarang]

I've been questioning this for a long while~
Hence my first post here...

It's odd having a strong intuition from a young age (I'm 19 right now). But from these past few years, i've really come to think about what it means for me to find "the person." There are so many people who list what they want in their other half. But I feel like my wants are unlike the majority of people. My intuition has given me a really mature stand-point on this issue.

I know what I want, what I need to be happy in my life. (This kind of knowledge kinda scares me...) Marriage is serious business. It's literally finding that person who you'll be holding hands with the rest of your life. That person will be your right hand---You'll be growing with them, them with you. When you doubt yourself or scared, you'll have that person to depend on.

Being a pretty balanced INFJ, i've come up with ideal traits in a person but through a stand-offish perspective. It's so weird, but I know what will and will not work for me. But my expectations are so high, so wonderful, that i'm afraid i'll only come to be disappointed. But I know intuitively, totally un-egotistically, that I cannot settle for less.

Do any of you feel this fear? Afraid that you won't find someone who can stand "where you are", someone who can amount to your capacity to give? I know that though I have an enormous ability to give and pull people up, it has been rare that i've ever met someone who has the ability to do the same for me.

Have any of you met such a person to equal yourselves? Your standards? Or how have you dealt (how are you dealing) with such a fear?

 

[bamf]

I know personally from youth (seeing as I am about the same age as yourself) that I always have thought I was "mature" for my age or older than my peers or I thought at a deeper level than I should. For my entire life I've felt that I always know the answers, only to look back on my younger self and laugh.

You ask some hard questions, most of which I don't have answers for, but chalk it up to youth. You're young and as much as you think you have all the answers, you will be constantly changing and so will your knowledge of yourself. What you think is right today could be completely wrong tomorrow and then right again the day after that.

Don't look for the answers (or in the case, "the one") so much that you miss out on all of the great opportunities around you.
Live it up!

 

[Quinlan]

It would be weird having an idealistic approach to relationships, I can't imagine it.

 

[youngster]

no
i belive there is a person for everyone, i know some don't find that person or live alone- but i 'feel' like i will
but i don't think he will be perfect
part of learning to love eachother is accepting all the flaws
and i how he has the strength to put up with me. haha!

 

[youngster]

"Have any of you met such a person to equal yourselves? Your standards? Or how have you dealt (how are you dealing) with such a fear?"

iv had to learn to go with the flow and what will be will be- at least iv got myself

 

[anica]

I am coming from a very different perspective: late middle age on the sliope of old age. It doesn't make me wiser, just more experienced. I have read in a number of places that INFJs "seek lifelong relationships but don't always find them." I think it has to do with our high expectations as well as our "rarity" that makes finding the "right" relationship so difficult. At least that's my theory. It doesn't mean INFJs--and here I'm generalizing--never find a lifelong mate, but I think it tends tohappen later in life than it does for other types. Again, I'm emphasizing this is a generalization, but people on this forum have talked about their frustration with finding the "right" person time and time again. The twenties, when other types seem to be finding partners and settling down, can be especially trying for INFJs, making them feel more different than ever.

When I was in my late teens and early 20s, I knew nothing about MBTI. I also tended to ignore my intuition. I married young, at 22, even though my gut told me to run the other direction as fast as possible. Five years later we were a statistic. I married again at 34, this time seeking security in a very controlling man. Again my intuition was outvoted by my perceived need for security. Afterten years of abuse and two children, I left this marriage too, only to "marry" again at 44 to a woman who was kind to me and loved my children. This time I was more clear I was that I was in a relationship that wasn't what I wanted; even more important, I was quite sure it wasn't going to be good for her either, but I persuaded myself my children needed her stability and warmth.

In short, I kept banging my head against a brick wall, determined to find in others strength I already had but didn't trust. Hindsight is always 20/20, but if I had it to do over, I would've stayed free of the emotional-legal entanglements of marriage until I found a person who could meet my passion with his own and who could lift me up instead of draining me. It took me till I was 60 to find such a person. He isn't perfect. He's a stubborn, prickly old coot set in his ways as I am set in mine. We are both moody and intense and love isn't easy, but finally my intuition is in sync with what passes for a heart with me. I have no doubt we will spend the rest of our lives together.

So that's my personal experience, which I've written about several times on this forum. I'm not saying it will be your experience. It's more a cautionary tale. For those of you who are artists, especially, I would say focus on your art; the love will come. So that's my story and I'm sticking with it. Make of it what you will.

 

[Eniko]

To the OP I have to say; good that you won't settle for less! After reading anica's post above I wonder if INFJs have a tendency to do that.

To add to her story, personally I've been in a bunch of shorter abusive relationships (I'm 26 now) and I think what made me stay in them as long as I did came from things I lacked in my life. In fact I ended my last relationship because I felt like I needed to get my own life going, not ship off to a different country to leech off of someone else's life.

I think it's very important that when looking for someone you're not doing it as a quick fix to whatever problems you have in your life. You need to be a more or less whole person with a life and happiness of your own before you can really be in a healthy relationship. Otherwise your happiness will depend on the other and you risk various things.

For one your relationship can end because the other person feels too pressured by being your everything. It's hard to be with someone when you know they need you as opposed to just want you. And then when it does end, like I've seen in some threads here, you not only lose your SO but also your confidant. Worse, your entire social circle if you relied on your SO's social circle. Then what are you left with? Nothing, and you try to plug that whole with someone new, continuing the circle.

And that's if you're one of the lucky ones. If you're not so lucky someone with less than honourable intentions (or even someone who just has a mental disorder that's damaging to those around them) will snatch you up and before you know what's happening you're stuck in an abusive relationship. And then what? The good times are still good, and you rely on this person, so it's not exactly easy to get out. And it isn't easy to get out of an abusive relationship in the first place!

Kind of rambly, but like anica another cautionary tale. Find happiness and strength within yourself first, make sure you have a support network of your own you can fall back to, then look into dating. And don't settle for less. That's what I think.

 

[slant]

For me, I don't have an ideal. I have some relationships that would be nice to do certain things such as muscular male friend to go traveling across different countries with me. If not a male friend, a bodyguard would work fine. I don't think that I worry too much about meeting the 'right' person, because I already know I'm not going to get married or have children, and that starting a family isn't important at all to me. It's one of the least appealing options on the market out there. I can't imagein what it's like to want those things and want them in a specific way.

I want to be independent and free. If I had a relationship it would be an activity relationship where the main goal was to go out and do adventurous things like hiking, road trips, hang gliding, etc. That's not going to be that hard to find, if you hang around in those places you're going to find someone who wants to be active with you. That's all I care about. So no, I don't worry that I'm never going to find the right person because there is no right person for me, there's tons of people I'll meet for a week, 2 months, and five years that are going to be bundles of fun.

 

[youngster]

For me, I don't have an ideal. I have some relationships that would be nice to do certain things such as muscular male friend to go traveling across different countries with me. If not a male friend, a bodyguard would work fine. I don't think that I worry too much about meeting the 'right' person, because I already know I'm not going to get married or have children, and that starting a family isn't important at all to me. It's one of the least appealing options on the market out there. I can't imagein what it's like to want those things and want them in a specific way.

I want to be independent and free. If I had a relationship it would be an activity relationship where the main goal was to go out and do adventurous things like hiking, road trips, hang gliding, etc. That's not going to be that hard to find, if you hang around in those places you're going to find someone who wants to be active with you. That's all I care about. So no, I don't worry that I'm never going to find the right person because there is no right person for me, there's tons of people I'll meet for a week, 2 months, and five years that are going to be bundles of fun.

i understand that you are a very independent person with what seems a clear mindset, and good for you. (don't mean in a "you go girl" way) haha

i also have a passion to be independent and free, i would just like a family to experience my life with. no to controll me or 'to keep me in my place' so to speak, but to enjoy them

 

[slant]

In my mind, if you like to be independent and free, getting married and having children is foolish. That's going to consume all of your time. There will be no room for those traits.

 

[youngster]

In my mind, if you like to be independent and free, getting married and having children is foolish. That's going to consume all of your time. There will be no room for those traits.

once again i see what you mean by 'time consuming' and iv thought about this and seen as how i don't think ill find someone for along time, iv decided to foster/adopt a teenager once i get a job. homeless kids is a big problem in my country, and teens are fun and keep me young. haha

but i know i can have a close family and still live to the MAX. haha

 

[slant]

Have fun.

 

[anica]

For me, I don't have an ideal. I have some relationships that would be nice to do certain things such as muscular male friend to go traveling across different countries with me. If not a male friend, a bodyguard would work fine. I don't think that I worry too much about meeting the 'right' person, because I already know I'm not going to get married or have children, and that starting a family isn't important at all to me. It's one of the least appealing options on the market out there. I can't imagein what it's like to want those things and want them in a specific way.

I want to be independent and free. If I had a relationship it would be an activity relationship where the main goal was to go out and do adventurous things like hiking, road trips, hang gliding, etc. That's not going to be that hard to find, if you hang around in those places you're going to find someone who wants to be active with you. That's all I care about. So no, I don't worry that I'm never going to find the right person because there is no right person for me, there's tons of people I'll meet for a week, 2 months, and five years that are going to be bundles of fun.

I had a similar view of marriage and children, freedom and independence at 15. I don't know what happened in the next seven years that I got so caught up in what I call "consensus reality" that I married despite my intuition it wasn't right. Somehow I don't think the same thing is going to happen to you.

 

[slant]

Glad to hear it.

 

[Julia]

When younger I had a more idealistic, distinct view of my future. I no longer expect a perfect path. I have no regrets. I spent years married to a great friend. It failed as a marriage, but was fine as a friendship. I have no regrets because I can't look back and see some grand path I forsook. My choices were as good as any available to me. I am now with someone with whom I am more compatible on more levels. That we are both willing to respond to the relationship and solve problems together makes it what I would call ideal.

Shared memories mean a great deal to me, so it is important to me to spend my life with someone. I also do not make friends easily and need some kind of confidant. I like that neither of us are perfect. I don't want an ideal relationship, I want to love someone for exactly who they are, not as a projection of my imagination. I like that I am sometimes disappointed and sometimes pleasantly surprised. It means I have made a connection with a real person who responds back to me.

 

[yepunsarang]

Thank you all for your thoughts! Really insightful.

I do agree somewhat with you slant...all of this depends really on who you are. Independence is a large portion of this. I have to say that I am independent, not clingy,not emotionally unstable, not needy, and Eniko, that's true---you must be aware of those who seek you too because if you are independent, you might attract highly unstable individuals.

So, I'm rather not concerned with finding someone to take care of me all the time but rather, finding an equal. I consider marriage as something like a partnership...I want someone to talk to about my questions, my fears, my weird philosophies, discoveries about life...someone to cry with, someone to laugh with.

The thing is, though i'm independent, may be my female streak has made me want to have a family. I feel like one of the most wonderful things about life, is having a family and raising children. So, marriage isn't really a matter of independence or dependence but a matter of finding a "best friend" to be with for the rest of my life. (And as you guys all know, it's hard for INFJs to find best friends!)

I've come to accept that there is never a perfect person, as youngster pointed out. For god's sake i'm not perfect either. We're all different. But there are such things as people who are "whole" as some of you have said. It's amazing how many people don't feel "whole" because they don't love themselves first. This is another reason why I want a family...so I can raise individuals who are happy, feel complete, and loved.

Anica, thanks for sharing your experiences...I think as of now, i've learned that the most ideal situation for me, would be marrying a best friend. That has also made me worried. I hate dealing with the thin line between friendship and love. But I seem to fall for those who I admire immensely just as a person. (A good thing, but also a tricky thing).

I guess the final line for me, is that I don't believe in soulmates, but I believe in good matches. I want a good match---but I think it'd take me a while to be convinced that i've found one.

 

[slant]

Females and families. Never going to understand that.

 

[anica]

Thank you all for your thoughts! Really insightful. Anica, thanks for sharing your experiences...I think as of now, i've learned that the most ideal situation for me, would be marrying a best friend. That has also made me worried. I hate dealing with the thin line between friendship and love. But I seem to fall for those who I admire immensely just as a person. (A good thing, but also a tricky thing).

I guess the final line for me, is that I don't believe in soulmates, but I believe in good matches. I want a good match---but I think it'd take me a while to be convinced that i've found one.

I forgot to mention that the man I'm with now was a good friend for many years and we grew slowly into what we have now. I guess I do believe in soulmates or at least that this relationship is the closest I'll ever come to that, but much of that may be a result of all the years we spent as friends.

 

[secretsmile]

Being a pretty balanced INFJ, i've come up with ideal traits in a person but through a stand-offish perspective. It's so weird, but I know what will and will not work for me. But my expectations are so high, so wonderful, that i'm afraid i'll only come to be disappointed. But I know intuitively, totally un-egotistically, that I cannot settle for less.

Do any of you feel this fear? Afraid that you won't find someone who can stand "where you are", someone who can amount to your capacity to give? I know that though I have an enormous ability to give and pull people up, it has been rare that i've ever met someone who has the ability to do the same for me.

Have any of you met such a person to equal yourselves? Your standards? Or how have you dealt (how are you dealing) with such a fear?

It's difficult. I have always had extremely high expectations in my relationships. I didn't want someone who was overly macho or sexist (I hate the "boys will be boys" mentality). I didn't want someone who would conform just to fit in with his buddies. I didn't want someone who was overly focused on sports or ridiculous "typical man" type things. I wanted caring and compassion and romance. I wanted ultimate trustworthiness. I wanted someone who wasn't religious. I wanted someone who would be an amazing father. The list goes on and on...

You know what, though? I found someone who comes as close to my ideal as someone possibly can (he's INTP, with a weak T), and even he doesn't always meet my expectations. There is no perfect. I am constantly getting angry at myself for not appreciating all that he is. I expect and demand the best at all times. No one can give their best at all times.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being picky and being absolutely sure you've found someone you can live with for the rest of your life. I haven't been married for very long, so this topic is very current and relevant for me, so I hope I am offering valuable insight. The truth is that you will always expect perfection, but you'll never get it. I think you'll know when someone is right for you, and the logical side of you will give you enough push to always apologize and show humility to your partner when you've gone too far with your expectations.

I also think that sometimes you don't know what's right for you until you've had something that is entirely WRONG for you. I dated an ENFJ on and off for three years, and he was COMPLETELY WRONG for me. I truly believe I may have never been able to appreciate certain qualities in my husband if I hadn't been through such a tumultuous relationship with the ENFJ.

 

[just me]

I was let down in high school, and that made me look hard at life for awhile.
I wanted someone perfect for me, but would have been too shy to speak to them more than a friendly hello had I met them. I probably didn't have enough self-confidence so lived alone many years. I settled for someone that loved me. After all, so few times I had that opportunity. Before age 40 I found a girl half my age the other girls made fun of her virginity I liked a lot, but felt it unfair to her to settle for someone like me. I met my current wife and we have been together quite some time. "To be loved" was something I liked, even though she could not have a child for me. I chose love over children.