You find out your partner has cheated... | Page 4 | INFJ Forum

You find out your partner has cheated...

What do you do?

  • Stay

    Votes: 8 24.2%

  • Leave

    Votes: 25 75.8%
  • Total voters
    33
You know, I’ve heard an INTJ say that to me before, so now I’m curious. Different context but similar enough

It was my boss. And it was after I decided to leave the company, so he obviously thought I was someone who would stick it out and be loyal. Only thing was he was a jerk to me quite a bit, wouldn’t give me the proper recognition and was super controlling. Wasn’t really helping my quality of life or supportive of my progression to the degree I earned

So yeah, I’m not who he thought I was because I wasn’t getting what I needed out of that relationship and “cheated.” So do you INTJs take this into consideration at the beginning? What about if other positive changes happen that aren’t who you thought they were, etc?

Genuinely curious
 
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Its about cutting the losses. No, INTJs don't consider that at the start, they're just as human as anyone, they just get hurt bad to the point that they either have to deal with the emotions or let them go. The latter is preferred.

It sounds like your boss was just an a-hole, yup had one of them in my past too.
 
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Stay for the murder, leave for the cops
 
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Partner cheats, then he’s non-existent to me. That is pretty much it.

I don’t tolerate disgusting behavior like that, doesn’t matter the excuse. Break up with the person before you consider infidelity, simple as that.

Wanna be a horn dog and cheat? Well expect your shit to be waiting for you outside the door.
 
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ClevelandINTP said:
You know, I’ve heard an INTJ say that to me before, so now I’m curious. Different context but similar enough

It was my boss. And it was after I decided to leave the company, so he obviously thought I was someone who would stick it out and be loyal. Only thing was he was a jerk to me quite a bit, wouldn’t give me the proper recognition and was super controlling. Wasn’t really helping my quality of life or supportive of my progression to the degree I earned

So yeah, I’m not who he thought I was because I wasn’t getting what I needed out of that relationship and “cheated.” So do you INTJs take this into consideration at the beginning? What about if other positive changes happen that aren’t who you thought they were, etc?

Genuinely curious
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Well, I literally have no clue what 'INTJs generally' think about this, and I don't identify with them a great deal (maybe because of stereotyping, &c.) but if you want to extrapolate from what I say to others of the type, then that's cool.

My perspective is also coming from a position of trying to protect the vulnerable, feely core from being exploited or hurt; it's not coming from a position of cold logic. It's more of a pre-visualisation exercise intended to strengthen your response to a situation like this. (For some reason, I always imagine the expressionless face of Mads Mikkelson). Like Jenny says, they kind of cease to exist after a betrayal like that, and the walls come up.


As to the example you gave, I have to say that it's a strawman. Leaving a company is not a BIG RED LINE in the same way as cheating on your partner is, and it's not a matter of degree. There is a qualitative difference.

In a relationship, there is a baseline of terms beyond which neither party will go under any circumstances, and not getting what 'you needed' out of the relationship is simply not a valid excuse to break those terms. If you aren't happy, there are two things you can do: I) talk about it & try to fix it; ii) leave.

When you mention 'other positive changes'... that's just a logical leap; Ti in overdrive considering my statement as a closed system. Of course nobody minds if their partner makes positive changes; you want to see them grow anyway, and supporting such growth is a good part of being in a relationship I think. Do I really have to answer this?
 
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Deleted member 16771 said:
Well, I literally have no clue what 'INTJs generally' think about this, and I don't identify with them a great deal (maybe because of stereotyping, &c.) but if you want to extrapolate from what I say to others of the type, then that's cool.

My perspective is also coming from a position of trying to protect the vulnerable, feely core from being exploited or hurt; it's not coming from a position of cold logic. It's more of a pre-visualisation exercise intended to strengthen your response to a situation like this. (For some reason, I always imagine the expressionless face of Mads Mikkelson). Like Jenny says, they kind of cease to exist after a betrayal like that, and the walls come up.


As to the example you gave, I have to say that it's a strawman. Leaving a company is not a BIG RED LINE in the same way as cheating on your partner is, and it's not a matter of degree. There is a qualitative difference.

In a relationship, there is a baseline of terms beyond which neither party will go under any circumstances, and not getting what 'you needed' out of the relationship is simply not a valid excuse to break those terms. If you aren't happy, there are two things you can do: I) talk about it & try to fix it; ii) leave.

When you mention 'other positive changes'... that's just a logical leap; Ti in overdrive considering my statement as a closed system. Of course nobody minds if their partner makes positive changes; you want to see them grow anyway, and supporting such growth is a good part of being in a relationship I think. Do I really have to answer this?
Click to expand...

OK fuck it, I have to admit that your question wound me up a bit (not you, you understand) for having to explain why loyalty is worthy... it drove me into ISTJ mode. So can I get an amen for 'LOYALTY, HONOUR'? I think you need some Thorin for your soul:
 
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Deleted member 16771 said:
OK fuck it, I have to admit that your question wound me up a bit (not you, you understand) for having to explain why loyalty is worthy... it drove me into ISTJ mode. So can I get an amen for 'LOYALTY, HONOUR'? I think you need some Thorin for your soul:
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Lmfao. Amen to loyalty and honour!

Also thank you Deleted member 16771, I am now in the mood to listening to some Misty Mountains on repeat while studying.
 
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MoonFlier said:
I have a sudden urge to go find my two kittens (big kittens that is) who are named after two of the dwarves :D
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Awwwwwwwww!!! :m015::m015: so so precious!!
 
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I personally would stay. My preference is for open relationships anyway, so...
 
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JennyDaniella said:
Lmfao. Amen to loyalty and honour!

Also thank you Deleted member 16771, I am now in the mood to listening to some Misty Mountains on repeat while studying.
Click to expand...

Literally listening right now... I love this shit :laughing:

@MoonFlier Ooh, so cool, thanks for the idea. I've been thinking of what to name my future dog... was thinking about Cavall (King Arthur's dog), but tbh not really super interested in Arthurian mythology (yet...maybe it's cool, I dunno). Now you mention the Dwarven thing, though... I would love to shout 'Baruk Khazad!' across the dog park.
 
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In the Wings said:
I personally would stay. My preference is for open relationships anyway, so...
Click to expand...

If the relationship is "open" then cheating is still a betrayal of trust, or it's just not cheating anyway
 
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Deleted member 16771 said:
Well, I literally have no clue what 'INTJs generally' think about this, and I don't identify with them a great deal (maybe because of stereotyping, &c.) but if you want to extrapolate from what I say to others of the type, then that's cool.

My perspective is also coming from a position of trying to protect the vulnerable, feely core from being exploited or hurt; it's not coming from a position of cold logic. It's more of a pre-visualisation exercise intended to strengthen your response to a situation like this. (For some reason, I always imagine the expressionless face of Mads Mikkelson). Like Jenny says, they kind of cease to exist after a betrayal like that, and the walls come up.


As to the example you gave, I have to say that it's a strawman. Leaving a company is not a BIG RED LINE in the same way as cheating on your partner is, and it's not a matter of degree. There is a qualitative difference.

In a relationship, there is a baseline of terms beyond which neither party will go under any circumstances, and not getting what 'you needed' out of the relationship is simply not a valid excuse to break those terms. If you aren't happy, there are two things you can do: I) talk about it & try to fix it; ii) leave.

When you mention 'other positive changes'... that's just a logical leap; Ti in overdrive considering my statement as a closed system. Of course nobody minds if their partner makes positive changes; you want to see them grow anyway, and supporting such growth is a good part of being in a relationship I think. Do I really have to answer this?
Click to expand...

That’s interesting that it’s a self-preservation motivated move. It’s ironically the most powerful in terms of what it conveys to the other and most likely to leave them devastated. Even though the motive has nothing to do with that at all

If you aren’t happy, there is a third option: understanding and acceptance. It’s the most powerful. Fact is you can’t change everything. You love the flaws (and don’t leave or fix them), that’s real love.

I’d argue leaving a company could be just as risky and comes with similar, even more, severe pitfalls. Unless your partner is paying all your bills and or is a celebrity or public figure. A lot of people take loyalty and responsibility seriously even in the professional realm. You can still fuck someone over so to speak. People take shit personally there, too

But it’s not who they were. And some positive changes are not always welcome if they take away from the relationship’s established exchange. Going to school, taking up more independent hobbies and interests, being career focused. I can’t tell you how many executives have killed marriages by their “positive” actions focused on
 
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ClevelandINTP said:
If you aren’t happy, there is a third option: understanding and acceptance. It’s the most powerful. Fact is you can’t change everything. You love the flaws (and don’t leave or fix them), that’s real love.
Click to expand...

lmfao
 
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Yea we are, because we understand what it actually means in the right context
 
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You don't even understand what you don't understand
 
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