You find out your partner has cheated... | INFJ Forum

You find out your partner has cheated...

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Scientia, Apr 21, 2015.

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  1. Stay

    8 vote(s)
    24.2%
  2. Leave

    25 vote(s)
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  1. Scientia

    Scientia A true lady

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    in the past but is not cheating now. What do you do?
     
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  2. Oscillation

    Oscillation Community Member

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    I... really don't know. I will have to figure it out when incountering it (I hope I'll not).
     
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    #2 Oscillation, Apr 21, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2015
  3. Elegant Winter

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    I would be very worried and spend some time considering the specifics of the situation, but I'd certainly stay initially.
     
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  4. flower

    flower Wanderer

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    Probably I would leave... It depends on the situation, though. If he has cheated before, how I could be sure he wouldn't do it again?
     
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  5. OP
    Scientia

    Scientia A true lady

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    I thought the same thing.
     
  6. Dohavior

    Dohavior Community Member

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    All the poll said was stay or leave so I was about to stand my ground and unload my pistol on its punk ass.

    Okay so I've read the thread now:
    1. They would be leaving if anything.
    2. If they choose to leave I'm going to seize and search everything for clues.
    3. I will consult how they evaded my detection.
    4. Their only choice to stay would be to disarm, reveal their methods, and possibly submit to a tribunal. Basically face a Drumhead court-martial with all the fixings.

    Now onto the thread's real question: How to kick someone out of your house?
     
  7. cvp12gh5

    cvp12gh5 What a lovely way to burn...

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    There are several different factors to consider before I would make such a decision.

    If I was married to the person and they cheated before we got married, then I would consider staying only after hearing him out and then weighing the pros and cons of both choices.

    If he cheated after we were married, then I would probably leave.

    If we had children together and he cheated, whether married or not, then I would leave. I personally feel that this takes the disloyalty to a whole new level.

    Now, if it were just a boyfriend, I would leave no matter what. Stop that cycle in its tracks.

    It also depends on how and when I found out about the indiscretion. If he came clean about it because of an overwhelming feeling of guilt and wanting to make things right, then I would hear him out and probably stay. This action would signify to me that he was serious about doing the right thing from that point on.

    But if I found out from someone else and had to confront him about it, then I would leave.

    Now, if this was something he did in the past and I forgave him for it, then there would be no reason to hold it against him now. I would have forfeited that right when I decided to stay. If someone says 'I'm sorry' and you forgive them, then you better mean it. Knowing yourself is very important in moments like this.
     
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  8. ruji

    ruji Well-known weirdo

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    Not sure, but for me there must always be balance. Depends on the situation.
    If I am in the position I easily have others lined up, then I'd leave. If not, then I'd have to put myself in the same position of power she has.
    Balance
    Balance
    Balance
    It's what I'm all about in relationships.
     
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  9. slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

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    Leave for sure.

    Consider this in the context of my decision: I am open to open relationships, polyamory, etc. All that I expect is someone *tells* me about their desires and we discuss it first. Knowing this is a conversation I have with a partner, and knowing they have violated my trust which is the most important thing, I would have no choice but to break up with them. If they want a second chance I would need evidence that they are addressing whatever issue caused them to cheat. Do they have a sex addiction, drug problem, etc? I wouldn't be dating someone who had an impulsive personality so obviously if someone cheated it would mean they were suffering from sort of condition. If they were willing to work on that issue I might give them a second chance after they went through treatment. But I for sure would not "stay", that would just teach my partner that they can abuse my trust and that there will be no consequences. I WILL, above all things, be respected by my partner. Cheating is not respectful behavior.
     
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  10. Gaze

    Gaze My word . . . hmm
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    I would have to get away for a while first. Depending on this person's current conduct and loyalty to the relationship, I would have to determine whether it's worth staying. Can it be salvaged? Do they truly regret it? So, can't say whether I would definitely stay. Depends on the person, and the nature of the relationship. I don't believe that people who cheat can't change. Sometimes, people will change for one person but not another. How am I to know they can be trusted again? How am I to know that if I stay, they aren't only sticking around to get something for their own personal gain?
     
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  11. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    me too
     
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  12. Kgal

    Kgal Magic Star Dust
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    Been there. Done that. It's more complicated than either Leave or Stay. In my case it was both.

    He thought he fell in love with her. We had words. He moved out for a while. I sought therapy. I gained freedom for myself and accepted what had happened with us. He moved back in. Over the 12 years since then he has told me several times he wished he had never done it for it freed me from a dependency I had upon him. I no longer viewed marriage as some kind of "done deal" and began to look at us as human beings deciding to have a relationship with each other in love and honesty. This lasted until I left and moved to the other end of our property several years ago to go through my own dark night of the soul stuff. We are great partners now...and I suppose there could be more if I sought it. This dark night of the soul stuff is hard work and I like being alone right now.

    In your case....I can see your Fear of being hurt working on you through your mind. You are holding on to something that happened in the past as if it is "proof" something may or may not happen in the future. Your mind is warning you by saying things such as "once a cheater always a cheater.... a leopard cannot change his spots...and so on." Thoughts like these put you on hyper alert.... I'm guessing you have either seen much hurt for others or you have been hurt by betrayal of trust in relationships. Naturally we wouldn't want to feel pain like that again...yet looking out for it to ward it off often brings it about anyway.

    So be careful of what you dwell upon. I have seen it happen time and time again in my life where the very thing people are afraid of happening - will end up happening.

    Seek what brings joy to you. Live your life the way you want to live it. If your mate comes along and enjoys it with you - hey that's cool. If not...it's still cool because you are IN joy - with your self.
     
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  13. invisible

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    i would leave because i wouldnt be able to respect someone who broke an agreement with me. i can never see sex as accidental or as a moment of insanity, i see it as a long series of decisions to engage with another person in certain ways that leads to deciding to remove clothes and get into bed. the clothes do not take themselves off. love is a decision for me, its not a gift from mysterious powers, its a commitment. if they decide sex with someone else is more important and deliberately went ahead and did it then we dont believe in the same love and it can never work.
     
  14. SarahBS

    SarahBS Permanent Fixture

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    Your words was what I needed- how did you come to this kinda thinking? It took lots of time to think and it needs to be courageous.


    Commitment! as an INFJ I know what you mean. I truly do . and I've been seeking for it for a long time but now I can feel this word does not exist in any man's dictionary ...
     
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  15. invisible

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    i dont know, i just know that i dont want to waste my time trying to make someone want the same things that i do.
     
  16. Eventhorizon

    Eventhorizon Permanently relocated
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    I have always found the word cheated as used in this context to be both curious and annoying. "Cheated" as if they have gained some elusive prize. The idea that a relationship is nothing more than to keep the partner "locked" into a singular relationship not because they want to be that way but because they HAVE to.
    In the end it comes down to the two people involved and should have nothing to do with what others say at all.
    For myself the reason would matter.
     
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  17. Kgal

    Kgal Magic Star Dust
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    I agree with your comment about the word "cheating". :nod: I never used that word - never liked the word - and for the reasoning you propose.

    Back when I was going through the betrayal process I encountered all sorts of publications and interviews as to "why" people seek an extramarital affair. I don't remember all of the details....because essentially they don't matter....but it basically boiled down to this: When asked the "reason" why they had an affair even though they were basically in a good marriage - the respondents most often didn't know the reason why.

    This is where I think our subconscious mind comes in to play. I know you all would agree we sometimes do things even though we tell ourselves we shouldn't. How many times have we eaten that pint of ice cream when we know we shouldn't? How many times have we purchased an item outside of our budget when we had previously told ourselves we would stay inside the budget? The list is endless....

    In the case of infidelity - we must keep in mind that it is not about us...it's about them and what they're needing in that moment that you cannot provide for them.

    In my husband's case the other woman was an excuse for him to feel empowered by rescuing her. It was all a fantasy....and once I let him go....the fantasy started to fall apart. In other words once he started doing "real world" actions like moving out and setting himself up autonomously he began to see what he was really doing. She had triggered his "need" to be a rescuer. I'm sure you guys know how powerful and rewarding that action can "feel".

    You see....we choose our partners based upon needs we have within each other. Keep that in mind. When situations like these come up they are opportunities to discover more about ourselves....our needs....our desires...and what we choose to do with that knowledge. Yes?

    In my case - looking back on it - you can clearly see that even though it was terribly painful for me at the time to go through it - it was a tremendous gift of enlightenment and empowerment for me.

    I know...I know....you guys think I'm daft....

    Still...I am grateful for what has happened to me in my life....including the affair. It has gotten me to where I am today....which is to say I am in JOY with my Self...and life is good.
     
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  18. Solongo

    Solongo Well-known member

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    If i spent considerable energy on building the relationship; then i would think hard about spending that energy again to rebuild trust. But who am I kidding..."once my good judgement is lost, it's lost forever'...i might retaliate depending on how it happened but for the most part someone is getting punched in the face. OR just take the highway and swear off men for the time being.
     
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  19. invisible

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    i think the word is curious and annoying, and also that whether it makes sense in the application or not is irrelevant. words have no intrinsic meaning, most words have multiple meanings that have come about through usage and are not logically related, and this is just another example. what the word is typically used to mean in this context is not "won a game", as with other meanings of the word "cheated", but "the person dishonoured the agreement to sexual exclusivity".

    in a free world, which is how our relationships mostly operate, no one HAS to do anything that they do not want to do, people do things because they choose to. its a shame that the current cultural default option for relationships is "exclusive", but people who don't want to be in an exclusive relationship and fail to make it explicit that it is not what they want, choosing to have sex with others outside of the implicitly agreed upon relationship anyhow, are still breaking an agreement that they have made with another person. if they want to have sex with other people, they should be honest about what it is they want from the relationship from the start. then the person they are getting into the relationship with can decide whether they want that too, or whether they do not.
     
  20. invisible

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    i fully admire and appreciate your strong response to your situation. having a spoon of ice cream or spending a few dollars is a different matter from having sex with someone though. even if it is qualitatively identical, the matter of degree is still very great. its enough that grown ups should be able to stop and think to themselves: "wait a minute: what am i doing here? i am going to have sex with a person who is not the person that i have made an agreement with." a person who does this knows that it is a more important agreement they are breaking than whether or not they had some ice cream or went on a shopping spree.
     
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