Would you stay in an unfulfilling marriage for the sake of your children? | INFJ Forum

Would you stay in an unfulfilling marriage for the sake of your children?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by TinyBubbles, May 18, 2010.

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  1. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    say you got married to someone you discovered you weren't compatible with; you try to make it work but you're just two very different people, with different values and goals in life. you're no longer in love; you can barely stand each other, but it's not a simple issue to just leave. finances aside, you have 2 young children (say 8 and 10) to think about. would you stay with your husband/wife for their sake, even though it would make you unhappy? say you were childless- would you still stay?
     
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  2. VH

    VH Variable Hybrid

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    I would stay in an unfulfilling marriage for the sake of the marriage.

    Life is full of seasons and phases. Relationships are no different. It only takes one person to weather the storm until winter passes to keep the relationship alive until spring returns. All relationships are capable of souring, and all relationships are capable of renewing. Anyone who has been through such a season will tell you that when love returns it is even greater than it was before... deeper, stronger, and unshakable.
     
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    #2 VH, May 18, 2010
    Last edited: May 18, 2010
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  3. Siamese cat

    Siamese cat Madame Cat strikes again

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    This is one of those questions where you can speculate what would you do, but the truth is that you don't know what will you do until you're in it.

    I think that I would probably get a divorce even with children, and if we were childless then almost certainly. I believe that a good divorce is better than a crappy marriage, especially when there are kids involved. But I don't think that I would find myself in that situation because I got married to someone not knowing their goals and values, because I'm very picky and choosy, so I don't see myself doing that. But shift in values and goals after the marriage is possible and it could be the reason for being there.

    I think that unhappiness of the parents affects a child strongly and if I were to be unhappy permanently for the sake of saying that I'm not divorced or the idea that my kids would be better off that way, than I would be deluding myself. I'm aware that they would be very unhappy and heart broken at first, but in the long run, I believe that divorce is the best solution if differences are irreconcilable.
     
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  4. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    I'm going to try really hard to make sure this never happens. This is like my #1 nightmare scenario (that might actually happen to me).
     
  5. Matariki

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    I would stay because I value marriage. I would leave taking my kids if my partner was abusive, but I wouldn't file in a divorce. Marriage to me is for life. For better or for worse.
     
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  6. 88chaz88

    88chaz88 Back for a limited time only
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    Well my parents split when I was seven, it might sound weird but in the end I'm glad they did. Of course I have emotional scars from it but because they split earlier rather than later there was no animosity and I'm able to keep a good relationship with both. I couldn't think of what my life would be like if both my parents grew to hate each other.

    Everybody wants a happy family that's together, but that can't always be the case. I'm pretty sure everyone in my family is happier with the current outcome than the hypothetical one.

    So no, I wouldn't stay in an unfulfilling marriage for the kids, because to do so would be far worse on them.
     
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  7. christmas

    christmas is such a boss bitch.
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    I need more information. Let's define "incompatible." Let's define "different" goals and values. The couple described seems to share two important goals. I don't believe someone can make you unhappy.

    The marriage isn't over until you shoot your spouse, or vice versa. I'm kinda only half-joking. I suppose I wouldn't leave a marriage unless it was abusive.
     
  8. testing

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    ^^

    Yeah, I'm with Christmas. Define "unfulfilling" and "incompatible".

    Too many people these days leave a marriage for the relationship equivalent of a hangnail. Or find that their need for status is incompatible with their spouse's bank balance. What irks me is when people have a slight feeling of boredom and say "Okay, that's it! I'm unfulfilled! Screw our vows, lets divorce!"

    In which case, I would have to say it doesn't really matter whether the parents are married or not, because married or not, the kind of people I am describing above are somewhat short-sighted and selfish and that will affect the kids, and it will not lead to lifelong happy relationships in or out of the context of marriage.

    LOL!

    Yes this is such a good post and well-said!

    Divorces & marital problems happen, and people ought to be mature enough to put their children's needs first no matter what the circumstances, but from what I've seen this does not happen very often. It's hard to be mature if you're hurt and upset, and perhaps have been cheated on or something... but as a parent you simply must be.

    Childless? That puts a different spin on things... I think I would be more likely to leave, but would still put in a wholehearted effort to improve things. If I concluded we'd made a huge mistake and both parties would be better off apart, yes, I'd leave.
     
    #8 testing, May 18, 2010
    Last edited: May 18, 2010
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  9. under skies

    under skies Community Member

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    I don't see how upholding a fa
     
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  10. WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    This....very much so.

    I see the importance of letting the children know that it is ok to have disagreements with someone, up-and-downs, as long as it isn't violent and disrespectful. And as long as we learn and grow from it.

    I was raised in an environment where we didn't know our parents even talked. There were just random horrible arguments and objects thrown. I didn't know that our parents actually had disagreements to even get to that level of tension.

    Abuse is unacceptable though, in any form, and I definitely will be packing someone's shit if it ever occurs....
     
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  11. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
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    I don't believe that two people are so incompatible that they cannot learn to live together as a family. I know that there are many people who are so stubbourne, proud, inflexible, resentful, etc. that they will not give up those things in themselves that make marriage difficult.

    From my part, if I were to marry (which I won't) I would strive always to give up things in myself which are opposed to the happiness of the marriage. (Including, ambitions, resentments, unwillingness to accomodate, etc.)

    This reflects the fact that I see relationships as being based on commitment (according to the online test in the thread titled something like "What are your relationships based on").
     
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  12. anica

    anica dark dreamer
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    Woild you stay in an unfulfilling marriage for the sake of your children?

    This, very much so and it would be a valuable lesson for my children to learn.

    If, however, there was abuse--emotional, verbal, physical--going on in the marriage, I would leave because I would never want my children to mistake this kind of relationship for "love."
     
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  13. 88chaz88

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    Am I the only one who finds this statement naive. I feel a lot of people are quoting it for the "awwwww" factor. In truth, people change. Sometimes you'll see a different side to the one you once loved. I know that my Dad's business going down really changed him, and changed my Mum in turn. It's not changed them for just that period either, they've both changed for life.

    If you do decide to marry, make sure you really know the person you're marrying, through the good and bad.

    And staying together for the sake of anything, whether it be kids or just each other, could easily destroy you and any relationship you had. As I said, I'm glad my parents split when they did. They may not love each other but they at least have respect for each other, and were able to raise me and my sister seperately without conflict.
     
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  14. shannishannon

    shannishannon Saponifier
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    A lot of the above posts assume the vantage point of those looking into the fishbowl. Only those within the fishbowl know what is really going on. It is not for outsiders to judge. In my case, I went above and beyond trying to make my marriages work. Actually, the problem with marriages and LTR's occur earlier-who you choose to form a relationship with. If that is dysfunctional in any way it will show up in the marriage. It is also my opinion that the children of a marriage should not have to suffer because of the parent's initial error of choosing each other.
    -Shannon-
     
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    #14 shannishannon, May 18, 2010
    Last edited: May 18, 2010
  15. bs98r3kjf

    bs98r3kjf Well-known member

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    Each situation is different but if staying together is having negative effects on the spouses and the kids for a long time and it is clear that nobody is happy, maybe splitting up would be a good thing. Marriage is forever when it's working. A marriage that becomes significantly unhealthy really might be better off if it didn't exist anymore. I would use that as a last resort.
     
  16. VH

    VH Variable Hybrid

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    Then adapt.
     
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  17. testing

    On Holiday

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    I quoted it because I believe it to be true and well-said. It may sound naive to some people, which is totally understandable, but marriages do have seasons and can weather storms. Really. Not always but they really can in many cases.
     
  18. Roger

    Roger ...

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    Tight situation and critical, too.

    If this is not fulfilling, i will try mine magic wind. I think men should give more love to such wife. We don't have to pay any charge to love anyone. If she wants to go, okay. Let her go, but till she is with man, man should continue loving unconditionally.

    Sometimes, i wonder why people choose limiting choices about marriage. Sounds clearly foolish. You know, i have seen many people who make foolish decision and then they suffer from it. Like I am Mr. Perfect. Like I am miss perfect.

    Love should be base on love, not on choices. Should not be mixed with anything. When people try and see true love, then such matter will never come and you know all, if such stuff comes in marriage life, children have to pay its price at some level.
     
  19. 88chaz88

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    Sometimes you just can't. I do know I'm sounding rather negative, and actually maybe it's a good idea to stay together and try to wear it out when there aren't kids involved. If there are then you have to decide what's best for them, and staying together ain't always the option.
     
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  20. J. Cardigan

    J. Cardigan Community Member

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    I wish my parents would've got a divorce when they said they were going to. They wound up staying together "for us" (this was implied), and my mom made/makes everyone's life a living hell. My dad puts up with it because he is a pushover. I think my mom is sticking around because of a few reasons:

    a) She does not have to pay rent
    b) She can do whatever the hell she wants and my dad allows it (she has three cars...)
    c) She's going to leave when she wants. My estimation for this is when my little sister goes off to college, since she won't have any other children to take care of and will have completed her motherly duties.

    I have told my dad countless times that I would not put up with what he does, and frankly I'm not sure why he allows it.

    So, in summary, I know from experience that staying in a marriage "for the sake of the children" can often be a horrible idea that ends up scarring the kids worse than a divorce. If I went and asked my younger sister about my parents divorcing, I think she'd be all for it if it meant my mom left the house.
     
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