Would you stay in an unfulfilling marriage for the sake of your children? | Page 3 | INFJ Forum

Would you stay in an unfulfilling marriage for the sake of your children?

Leaving abusive marriages is very different from leaving unfulfilling marriages.
You're right. I gave a very short mention of the unfulfilling marriage scenario when I said children learn to love by their parents example, and an unfulfilled marriage most likely will set a bad example.

I interpreted the question as: The only reason you are there is for the children's sake-- you're past/not into counseling or fixing the marriage.

I brought up abuse because it's not always cut and dry as to where the line between unfulfilling and abuse is. This is what I've noticed in working with women who have been abused--and stated that despite being knocked around etc. etc.. they wanted to return to their husband for the sake of their children.

Even with an injury, some women will not use the word abused--they aren't ready to face it yet.
 
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No. By abuse I mean physical abuse or sexual abuse. Emotional abuse is not a reason to leave. Sure, you should make sure you enter counseling together, and make sure that the children have counseling too, but I don't feel that anything less than physical or sexual abuse is an excuse to leave your spouse for any reason.

Emotional abuse is not a reason to leave?

Really?

On second and third thoughts....I am going to leave this conversation alone.
 
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I would definitely leave if there were no children, because for all i know there is a just as great a person for them as there could be for me out there. Why should two people be unhappy paired in a world with six billion people? That doesn't make any sense to me.

The issue of children complicates things and so it would depend heavily on context. If the husband was always screaming and yelling at me, making me sick, and threatening my ability to function as a mother, I might leave, but if it was just an issue of needing to exert extra patience to maintain a family bond and the children loved and needed both parents together, I would probably stay until they grew up and moved out.

I would tend to say that insisting on dysfunctional or hurtful dynamics for the sake of "marriage" also destroys the institution of marriage and makes it fundamentally a trap instead of something beautiful that has meaning and has the capacity to make life better than being alone. I think there is such a thing as the sanctity of divorce.
 
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Another multi-faceted topic with no easy answer. I believe Noblehearts statement which is being quoted here to be basically true. Marriage is hard work and will have many times of both good and bad--just like life. Too many people bail now at the first sign of tough times. I've had many tough times in my marriage and we struggle still today. You have to be adaptable and patient.

As far as the kids, yes that is the primary reason to try extra hard when things seem impossible. They deserve every chance to have a stable household with two parents. But on the flip side, it doesn't do them any good to be in a house full of strife and contention either. Many, many marriages stay together for the kids sake. It's sad, but the key is as has been said, chose the right partner to start with. Here is a link to an article I wrote on just that subject if you care to delve further. In the end, you have to do what's right for everyone involved and sometimes that means sticking it out.

http://www.risingupward.com/?p=114
I really really enjoyed your article. Very good. The simplest truths are sometimes the hardest to hear/do, but the most needed...and well worth the effort.
 
No.

Unhappy marriage = unhappy children.

Happy parents (whether separated or not) = happy children.

It's better to send a good message to the kids then a phony one. Kids are not stupid, they see and pick up everything.
 
No way.

Children learn how to socialize and interact first from their home life.
If the parent's relationship is awkward, distant, and strange it's going to confuse the children as to what that sort of love is supposed to be like.

My mom left my dad when I was about 8 because he was very abusive to her.
I have told her that leaving my father was the single most important thing she could have done for me.

I ended up getting into an abusive relationship when I was in my early 20s and I knew pretty quick what the signs were when they came. If my mom hadn't set the example to leave a man like that, I would have faced much more confusion than I had to. I don't know if I would have been strong enough to pick up and leave like I did.

By leaving our dad, she set an excellent example for my brother, too. She showed him that it is not acceptable for a man to treat a woman that way. Had she stayed, the abuse would have been normalized for him and he may have grown up to repeat the family cycle.

I am going to gush about my mom here because she was the best single mother imaginable. She put herself through college to graduate top of her class, worked 12 hour shifts and still made sure that my brother and I had healthy cooked dinners whenever she was home. We were poor, but as kids my brother and I never knew it.. She took us to orphanages and children's hospitals at Christmas time to donate toys and spend time with the kids.

She gave so much of herself to us just to set an example.
She showed me how to be a strong and independant woman. Life was difficult for her as a single parent, but she did it for our sake--and she succeeded in giving us the best start we could have had given the circumstances.
This sums up my point of view. If there is no work on the parent's part to make the marriage work, if they're in it just for the kids, it's completely unfair to the kids. I'd rather grow up in two separate homes than one broken one. Sure, divorce sucks for the kids too, but constant arguing or no real love between parents is worse, IMO. Once the kids get older they'll realize why their parents stuck together, and there could be intense amounts of guilt residing inside the kids.
 
Yes! and absolutely yes! if my kids need their father and if he's good to them, then i would stay in an unfullfilling marriage for their sake.

But in the mean time, i will also try and make it I work. I mean, if my relationship with him ended up in marriage, then it must have meant something at one point, and I will try to find that and bring back to my home.

I beleive children learn love, care, and trust, and all the crucial values that they need in life from their parents. So, I will try hard to provide them a loving and caring home that they can go back to, and work hard to make it work with their father if he's willing to.
 
I left.

It was a very complicated choice. One that cannot be boiled down to simplistic statements about what marriage is or should be. Life is a lot more complex than ideals. It may be difficult for anyone strongly opposed to the decision I made to understand my choice. No one else can walk through my years of relationship and see it from my perspective.

I spent years (15+) working to feel the way I was supposed to in my marriage, partially for the sake of a marriage ideal, partially for the sake of children, and partially for the sake of religious beliefs I'd subscribed to.

I was told that love is not a feeling, but rather a choice. I accepted this and strove to make and stick with that choice to love for many years. In many ways, I succeeded, as evidenced by the continuing respect and affection I feel for my ex-spouse. However, love comes in many forms, and not all of them are marital.

My husband and I volunteered our time for many years encouraging other couples to remain married and to stick through the varying cycles that come with a long-term relationship. I have seen and experienced the ups and downs in relationship and there is so much truth to the advice to hang in there. It does get better again. I know from experience and observation it does. In my case, the question became, what is the baseline and am I willing to sacrifice the remainder of my finite life to it?

When we spoke to couples struggling in their marriage, I saw many cases of substance abuse, infidelity, and sometimes just life pulling people in different directions. I saw love turned inside out by hurt in each one of them. I too experienced that sort of inside out emotion during dark times, but the hate was never as deep, nor the baseline of love to return to as strong. I valued the qualities of my husband and I cared for him as a companion. Perhaps in some cultures and for many people, that would be enough to sustain a marriage. I, however, did not feel my life was being truly lived in that relationship. I had made repeated choices to sacrifice my life to the marriage, yet at some point, when the life I had remaining to be lived became more and more scarce, I felt enough internal pressure to choose differently. Either side of the choice has consequences. Divorce is a dramatic and stressful life change for all involved, some of them innocent to the decisions that brought the relationship into being in the first place. Yet damaging relationships, or even just unfulfilled relationships, also present long-term stress and requirements for coping in both partners and their children. I began to believe the only life I could be sure of was best lived, not sublimated to well-meaning, but quite possibly false, axioms about the limits marriage must put on a life.

I have experienced a love of companionship trying to be more--working daily to feel committed to that love and relationship for years. I have now also experienced a marital love where a feeling of commitment flows naturally from the experience of love. The varying emotional cycles of relationship are still present, but I feel a baseline of commitment there that does not have to be constructed out of sheer will now.

In retrospect I agree that perhaps the key is finding the right person in the beginning. That, however, is far simpler to decide on than to actually implement. How to know if uncertainty is actually a signal it's not the right person, or just jitters? That kind of discernment is not easily attained and the consequences of misjudgment are grave--not easy weights to carry for those who eventually face these decisions. No matter how noble the ideal of making relationship work sounds, reality is far more messy to wade through. I value the ideal of commitment in marriage and fear far too many people jump ship and sacrifice their potential for happiness. I also understand there are real complexities involved in determining how to, and even whether to, live life in a committed relationship. Easy answers are not available for that reality.
 
In retrospect I agree that perhaps the key is finding the right person in the beginning. That, however, is far simpler to decide on than to actually implement. How to know if uncertainty is actually a signal it's not the right person, or just jitters? That kind of discernment is not easily attained and the consequences of misjudgment are grave--not easy weights to carry for those who eventually face these decisions. No matter how noble the ideal of making relationship work sounds, reality is far more messy to wade through. I value the ideal of commitment in marriage and fear far too many people jump ship and sacrifice their potential for happiness. I also understand there are real complexities involved in determining how to, and even whether to, live life in a committed relationship. Easy answers are not available for that reality.

I agree with and can relate to your entire post. What you wrote above resonates with me particularly strongly. I approached finding my first mate like an NT analyzing data. However, the data was flawed and my analytical skills in that area were nowhere near up to par for the task. She sure seemed like the right person at the time, and I did a LOT of analysis before hand ... almost 8 years worth. I feel that I did my due dilligence, but I simply did not have the maturity or experience at that time to make a good decision. I've learned a lot since then, particularly in the area of taking F into account when making decisions, rather than just T.
 
I really really enjoyed your article. Very good. The simplest truths are sometimes the hardest to hear/do, but the most needed...and well worth the effort.

Thank you Rogue. I write it from hindsight as I have done some of the very things I said not to do. Perhaps some people can use this before they make a mistake.
 
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