Would you date a single parent?

[Faye]

You're entitled to your preferences but that's a pretty harsh value judgement.

Well, if we're talking older generations, it might have made sense. I wouldn't judge an older person who had kids at a younger age because things were different back then. However, given how the economy is for my generation (the recession never ended for millennials + student loan debt), I feel like it is naive to bring kids into this world without having the house, established career, and other resources necessary to take care of them. Those are the sort of things that you can usually only have by your late 20s or early 30s at the earliest. So if a member of my generation didn't take all this into account and plan for it, yes, I do judge them. I also believe that people should be married for a few years before having kids.

That is very classist of me, but kids are so expensive. I personally don't feel like I will ever make enough money to support them.

 

[La Sagna]

Well, if we're talking older generations, it might have made sense. I wouldn't judge an older person who had kids at a younger age because things were different back then. However, given how the economy is for my generation (the recession never ended for millennials + student loan debt), I feel like it is naive to bring kids into this world without having the house, established career, and other resources necessary to take care of them. Those are the sort of things that you can usually only have by your late 20s or early 30s at the earliest. So if a member of my generation didn't take all this into account and plan for it, yes, I do judge them. I also believe that people should be married for a few years before having kids.

That is very classist of me, but kids are so expensive. I personally don't feel like I will ever make enough money to support them.

You certainly don't have to be with somebody with kids or have kids of your own, that's a matter of personal choice, I just dislike it when young mothers are classed as a certain 'type'.

I have a personal reason for that. I was a mother at 19 and there was a huge stigma to that at the time as well, and I got judged and lumped as a certain 'type' of person unfairly. I heard a lot of comments putting down young mothers and it took a lot of work for me to get over the feelings that everybody looked down on me, even though I was responsible, caring and smart and I have raised an amazing young man who any parent would be proud to have has a son, and best of all he never felt like he was unwanted or a burden.

Everybody makes mistakes when they are young (and older of course), because some of them have bigger consequences doesn't make the person worse than the ones who make different mistakes. Stuff happens, it's how you deal with it that matters.

 

[Faye]

You certainly don't have to be with somebody with kids or have kids of your own, that's a matter of personal choice, I just dislike it when young mothers are classed as a certain 'type'.

I have a personal reason for that. I was a mother at 19 and there was a huge stigma to that at the time as well, and I got judged and lumped as a certain 'type' of person unfairly. I heard a lot of comments putting down young mothers and it took a lot of work for me to get over the feelings that everybody looked down on me, even though I was responsible, caring and smart and I have raised an amazing young man who any parent would be proud to have has a son, and best of all he never felt like he was unwanted or a burden.

Everybody makes mistakes when they are young (and older of course), because some of them have bigger consequences doesn't make the person worse than the ones who make different mistakes. Stuff happens, it's how you deal with it that matters.

I'm sorry. I forget that single mothers are judged so harshly by society and especially social conservatives and that there is a cultural mythos stigmatizing them. I just want you to know that I don't endorse those beliefs and do think that single or young mothers can be great mothers. I also strongly support social programs to help them.

My issue is really more that I'm kind of selfish in what I want out of a relationship and life. When I say that they're not my type, I have in mind those that I know personally who had kids young, and I'm thinking specifically of the fact that they're so selfless and family oriented (at least enough to decide to have a baby so young- women who were forced or coerced into pregnancy are a separate issue). They are really great people, but the things that make them great people are what make them incompatible with me. I know that not everyone feels the way I do, and that some people really enjoy having kids and getting a family going early. I guess I tend to see kids as a burden, and I'm not particularly pro-natalist (which is a nice way of saying that I don't like kids). So if someone is the type of person who thinks kids are a blessing, that is great, but I don't. That is why I see the need to have a lot of resources, plan, etc.. Not only do I feel obligated to provide, but if I ever did have kids, I would want to share the burden equally in raising them instead of just letting the wife do most of it.

Like I said, it is largely a socio-economic motivated view because I feel like the great recession has screwed my generation over terribly. If I could actually be confident in getting a job with just a college degree or even a high school degree like people supposedly could before the recession many years ago, it wouldn't be an issue. I feel like the recession has forced people my age to choose what they want to pursue because most of us cannot have it all like our parents or grandparents could (i.e. a house, family, no student loan debt, a car, etc.). There are just a lot of things that I value more than having kids. So I guess it is really more a question of values than a question of type, but the question is only relevant for people my age or younger post 2008-09 recession because of the drastic changes to the macro-economy.

 

[Nixie]

You said that very nicely [MENTION=834]Dragon[/MENTION] because my first thought about [MENTION=9809]La Sagna[/MENTION] 's post was "so"...there is stigma attached to having children at a young age for a reason. While it isn't fair that women get unduly forced to face the consequences of early pregnancy/children, it doesn't take away the fact that (presumably not economically self-sufficient) teenagers should not ideally be having children. (there is no point in going over all the reasons...nor of hashing over the fact yes young parents can be good....blah blah blah.....the TRUTH is that being a teenage parent IS NOT ideal by any stretch of the imagination)

Does that negate the young parent's life or make their child(ren) less than? No. All the powah to ya and whatnot!

Personally, I am more disgusted by people like those super freaky Christians who have a billion kids.

 

[bionic]

Hell no.

 

[Rcs6r]

You said that very nicely <!-- BEGIN TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention -->
@<a href="http://www.infjs.com/member.php?u=834" target="_blank">Dragon</a>
<!-- END TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention -->

Personally, I am more disgusted by people like those super freaky Christians who have a billion kids.

[video=youtube;fUspLVStPbk]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUspLVStPbk[/video]

 

[bionic]

Personally, I am more disgusted by people like those super freaky Christians who have a billion kids.

OMG... like those Duggars with 20 kids. Even their kids are having several kids. It's so sickening.

I remember watching an interview where the wife said she doesn't believe in any birth control because it caused her to have miscarriages before they had their first child. Like, wtf. There are other forms of birth control out there that don't include altering your hormones. Is it really that much work to buy a large bucket of condoms from Costco and get a diaphragm from your OBGYN? Those people drive me crazy. She's also wayyyy too happy and nice in interviews all the time. She never seems like she is having a bad day. How could you not tear your hair out while running a damn daycare in your house 24/7

 

[CindyLou]

In my 20's no way.

Now, yes of course. Im 33 married, divorced with a child myself and well, I would have NOTHING in common with them I would see myself as having more life experience.

The ex situation is definitely a big deal. If they are friendly and on good terms and can coparent but not still emotionally attached it's fine but if they are weird have conflict, it sucks and it's an extreme amount of baggage to take on.

 

[La Sagna]

I'm sorry. I forget that single mothers are judged so harshly by society and especially social conservatives and that there is a cultural mythos stigmatizing them. I just want you to know that I don't endorse those beliefs and do think that single or young mothers can be great mothers. I also strongly support social programs to help them.

My issue is really more that I'm kind of selfish in what I want out of a relationship and life. When I say that they're not my type, I have in mind those that I know personally who had kids young, and I'm thinking specifically of the fact that they're so selfless and family oriented (at least enough to decide to have a baby so young- women who were forced or coerced into pregnancy are a separate issue). They are really great people, but the things that make them great people are what make them incompatible with me. I know that not everyone feels the way I do, and that some people really enjoy having kids and getting a family going early. I guess I tend to see kids as a burden, and I'm not particularly pro-natalist (which is a nice way of saying that I don't like kids). So if someone is the type of person who thinks kids are a blessing, that is great, but I don't. That is why I see the need to have a lot of resources, plan, etc.. Not only do I feel obligated to provide, but if I ever did have kids, I would want to share the burden equally in raising them instead of just letting the wife do most of it.

Like I said, it is largely a socio-economic motivated view because I feel like the great recession has screwed my generation over terribly. If I could actually be confident in getting a job with just a college degree or even a high school degree like people supposedly could before the recession many years ago, it wouldn't be an issue. I feel like the recession has forced people my age to choose what they want to pursue because most of us cannot have it all like our parents or grandparents could (i.e. a house, family, no student loan debt, a car, etc.). There are just a lot of things that I value more than having kids. So I guess it is really more a question of values than a question of type, but the question is only relevant for people my age or younger post 2008-09 recession because of the drastic changes to the macro-economy.

There is nothing wrong with your position on what you would like for yourself in a partner. I just wanted to point out that the stereotype of a young mother can taint people unfairly, they are not necessarily: single, poor, irresponsible, dumb, lazy, with loose morals...

Also, the economic difficulties may have intensified after 2008 but they weren't that different before, many of the same issues have been around a while.

 

[Gaze]

I agree with someone who mentioned that it's an age thing. It's normal for 20 or even 30 something especially in the world we live in today, to not necessarily want to kids much less parent someone's children largely because of the economy as @Dragon mentioned. However, your life experience and social circle may change as you get older. It's not something conscious that you do, but as more of your friends enter long term relationships and/or have children, you may start to think differently. So, much depends on where you are in your life currently, what you see around you, how others in your world are living, who you are as a person, etc. Most people tend to want to be with someone who has similar situations or circumstances or who would at least understand if not personally relate to their struggles or responsibilities. It's going to be tougher for a younger, single adult who has limited responsibilities for others to relate to a single parent who has more than themselves to think about. And I think most people don't want to play second fiddle to a child because they know the partner will prioritize the child first. I think people don't want to compete with someone else for their partner's attentions. It's normal. Most people probably don't want to feel that someone else comes before them in a relationship.

 

[Skathac]

Depends on the person and what the child/children is/are like. If I'm into the other person and the kid/kids are cool, maybe. I also apply this same viewpoint to pets. You can learn a lot about someone depending on the actions of their children and/or pets. It also depends on why they have children in the first place, which normally is covered on the first date. If that description is not to my satisfaction then it is very likely there will be no second date. I have made it this far without spawning any bastards, plenty of practice but no accidents thusfar. I understand that accidents do happen and people make decisions that last the rest of their lives when they are young. Life has this nasty habit of not working out the way you planned. Still it is very important for me to respect a potential partner and any hangups in the beginning will likely only become more agitating as time goes on.

 

[Chalti]

It depends on the person. I think, I would date them....Maybe. Haha, well it really depends on their personality and their kids, and whether or not they're in a stable part of their life...

 

[Jet]

I know this is a zombie thread but I had to bump it.

OMG this is kind of hilarious. Dating a single parent doesn't mean you are dating their kids, or that you are a substitute parent (I mean marrying is a different story, but dating is just dating).

Most people don't realize I have kids until knowing me for a while because being a mom is only a part of who I am. I certainly hope one day to find someone who will have no problem with the fact that I have kids and a crazy ex because I am kinda amazing and I, like most single mothers I know personally, have a full handle on my shit.

I don't think most people fully understand the reality of dating a single parent. lol

 

[Littlelissa]

I would only want to date someone seriously who I could potentially see myself being with them in the long term. So I will answer this as if I was thinking of getting together with them. I think getting together with someone who has kids already if you don't yourself can be hugely daunting, obviously it's a massive amount to take on.

I guess it also depends a lot on where the person is in their situation and whether they have properly moved on and have a healthy relationship with the person they are co-parenting with. Even so, the bond and the strength of the relationship would have to be very good I feel, because there are so many potential head aches and complications. It'd also be very important to really like the kids, and to be able to see yourself within the family dynamic, otherwise better not to get involved at all. Love could probably overcome those issues though. Sometimes something can be right regardless, I don't think single parents should get the short end of the stick. They can and do find a way forward, and good for them.

 

[Littlelissa]

OMG this is kind of hilarious. Dating a single parent doesn't mean you are dating their kids, or that you are a substitute parent (I mean marrying is a different story, but dating is just dating).

@Jet, that's true but most people would not be able to separate the two. People who don't have kids know that it is a big deal, especially if they like you and want to get to know you better.

 

[Jet]

@Jet, that's true but most people would not be able to separate the two. People who don't have kids know that it is a big deal, especially if they like you and want to get to know you better.

Its super easy to separate the two...you just don't involve the person you are dating in your kids lives. My man friend has never met my kids, I've never talked to him about them other than random passing stories. Pretty sure I've never told him their names. He doesn't have the option to be part of that aspect of my life unless I give it to him, and yeah that is not about to happen anytime soon.

But I can still have fun dating and hanging out with someone.

 

[jyrffw54]

Probably not, for all the reasons @atree mentioned

 

[Littlelissa]

Its super easy to separate the two...you just don't involve the person you are dating in your kids lives. My man friend has never met my kids, I've never talked to him about them other than random passing stories. Pretty sure I've never told him their names. He doesn't have the option to be part of that aspect of my life unless I give it to him, and yeah that is not about to happen anytime soon.

But I can still have fun dating and hanging out with someone.

Absolutely. You can separate it like that if you want to. I'm just saying that if it develops they will want to know more about you, and maybe even embrace your family too. I was talking about the possibility of things developing, but I guess you'd cross that bridge, if it happened, when you came to it.

 

[Free]

I absolutely would. I believe it largely has to do with where you are at in life. As @CindyLou said, in my 20's, probably not. In my 30's, yes. Kids aren't a death sentence for your love life. But I'd want to stay out of the children's lives till things became serious simply to keep attachment at bay in case things didn't work out, more so for the child's sake.

 

[Soulfire]

I would definitely consider it if i were single again. I mean, people arent tainted because they have children of course it comes with its own challenges and you do need to accept the fact that the ex will be in the picture forever but that is a small price to pay to be with your soulmate imo.

Being a parent isnt what defines who you are. We are defined by who we fundamentally are.

A father is still a man and a mother is still a woman.

So sure, i'd date a daddy