Would you date a single parent? | INFJ Forum

Would you date a single parent?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Odyne, Dec 13, 2014.

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  1. Odyne

    Odyne ===========
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    Would you be in a relationship with someone who has a child(ren) of their own? What factors may play into your decision? any reservations? Is it something you'd consider in the first place?


     
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  2. flower

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    No, because I'm not sure do I ever want any children in my life. I know the children wouldn't be mine, but they are children anyway, lol. I want to add that I do love children a lot, though. They are so adorable and give so much to their parents and people around them, precious. :)
     
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  3. Korg

    Korg $vicide

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    No. I wouldn't want to raise someone else's children -- or have a large part of my value in the relationship be based around my role as a surrogate dad.

    Widows would be an exception, though.
     
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  4. sassafras

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    I wouldn't date a single parent. Certainly not at this stage in my life. In general, I prefer someone who has a similar outlook on life and who has had similar life experiences. I feel I wouldn't share that with someone who is a single parent. Having a child vastly changes your perspective and reshuffles your priorities. I think it is hard enough being a busy adult and squeezing in time to spend getting to know a new partner; having to further divide that time caring for a child would be extremely difficult and taxing on a budding relationship.

    The other thing that dissuades me is the idea of the consequences of developing a bond with the child (or children) of that partner. What happens when you and your beau decide to call it quits? It's hard enough as it is going you separate ways when things do not work out. Adding a child to that equation would make it even more difficult (at least for me).

    Finally, wherever there are children, the ex is usually still somewhere in the picture. I've seen my own mother struggle with this, as well as a few of my girlfriends. It is rare to see a civil arrangement between two separated parents and it weighs down emotionally not only on your partner, but by extension, you as well. And the thing is, if they both care about the child, they're bond like this for the rest of their lives. Not just legally, but emotionally as well. The family from both sides is sometimes involved too, in which case, you are always seen as the intruder, the person standing in the way of these two people making it work for their children. Not always so overtly, but on some level, it's always there.

    Maybe this sounds awful, but all that is just simply too much baggage and I've had enough dysfunction (and seen enough of it) in my family to invite it into my romantic life. If I have children, it's going to be a decision made by my partner and myself. I don't think I'd have the emotional maturity or psychological strength to raise someone else's kid, let alone put up with all the ancillary consequences of entering into that kid's life. There are stronger people out there who can do that, but i'm not one of them.
     
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    #4 sassafras, Dec 13, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2014
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  5. the

    the Si master race.
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    I would date anybody. Would I marry them? Most likely not. I barely want my dogs I certainly dont want to waste my time with some brat(s).
     
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  6. Delta

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    I did and married him but wouldn't advise it. I wouldn't advise having children either, lol but acknowledge there are some nice bits and these things work out fine for many x
     
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  7. Rcs6r

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    No, because I see myself as still too young and in no way ready for the responsibility of taking care of a child, let alone bringing someone else's into my life.
     
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  8. phazex

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    No, for two reasons. The ex is bonded in more than a few ways, if not legally, then they would bonded emotionally to the person I'm with. That alone would be a problem with me.Second, I want the experience of actually

    I value unique experiences; we can't have a uniquely shared experience if that person already has had kids with someone else. I can't see myself being a substitute father for those reasons, I've tried it more than twice to know it wouldn't be something I couldn't do despite people trying to convince that I'm being closed-minded somehow.
     
  9. Scientia

    Scientia A true lady

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    I would but only under very specific circumstances. The other parent would have to be so similar to me in parenting style that our merge of family dynamics would make sense. That is very rare to find. It would also probably take me a very long time to observe the guy to figure out if the potential even existed. By that point, most will have lost interest or found someone else. Story of my life right there! :)
     
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  10. Gaze

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    yes, and I did. I don't have a problem dating single parent if the child does not live with them, but I would be a little more unsure if they did live with the person. Would also depend on the children's ages, the relationship the partner has with his children's mothers, and the involvement of the other parent in the children's lives. Would not want to step on any toes. So, it depends. As you get older, it's tougher to meet people who have not had some amount of life experience whether it's divorced with or without kids. Everybody has baggage. That's life. Playing it safe and ruling someone out because they have kids could prevent someone for meeting someone that's a great fit. To say no out rightly would limit the dating pool quite a bit. The benefit of dating someone who is already a parent is that (and I know I'm generalizing) is that they have responsibility they can't avoid, which usually makes them a little more conscientious. They know the duty of being responsible for someone else's needs besides their own. They're in a position where they've had to learn to put someone's needs ahead of their own. This can be a great asset, and can manifest itself, in some cases, through greater maturity and heightened awareness of partner's needs. However, this may not be true for everyone. In any case, there is a difference in how they view the world, and that can add depth to a relationship that would not exist with someone who does not have that kind of responsibility.
     
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  11. Lark

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    Yeah, sure, no problem but then again I would be clear about my expectations from the outset and I dont know if I'd get a date in the first place then.

    If someone who is a single parent is looking for a "baby daddy" or committed relationship they are going to strike out with me, I date for fun, I'm not looking for a serious or steady relationship. If they say they are up for that but secretly harbour other ideas they could be disappointed too.
     
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  12. SpecialEdition

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    I am too selfish.

    Being in a relationship with someone who has a child eventually leads to having a relationship with that child. I want nothing to do with children in my life. I am in a very selfish stage right now where I don't want to make compromises on anything in my life and that includes creating space for a small life that I am not (and do not want to be) responsible for. Perhaps if that person did not have their children full time I would re-consider but I'd rather be with someone who is childfree and never wants children.
     
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  13. apemon

    apemon Permanent Fixture

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    Married a gal with a 5 yr old in 1991. He's 27 and a good man. INTP, but what ya gonna do? :D From what I'm told I was a good influence. Fell hard, was not even a consideration then that she had a child. just sayin' lol
     
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  14. Nixie

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    Ideally (lol)
    It would depend on the age of the kids. Mostly growed up? No problem. Young ones? That's something to consider. Like someone mentioneed, how's the relationship with the ex? Bitter? Fuck that, who needs the drama! She's still all up in his life and whatnot....meh, not great.

    Real life? Who knows. The gods have a way of messing with you when you make declarative statements like " I would never date a guy with kids"
    *plays it safe*

    However, all that being said. I don't have kids for a reason!
     
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  15. Faye

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    No. Not only do I probably not want kids, but anyone who got pregnant this young is probably just not my type in the first place.

    If I were like 35, I might say yes, but not at this age. I'm just definitely not ready for kids at this point.
     
  16. wolkenkraetzer

    wolkenkraetzer Community Member

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    If the children are already grown and out on their own, perhaps; otherwise, "Ab-so-blee-pin'-lute-ly NOT!".
    I had no children with my late wife and I have no interest in being a step-father (or step-grandfather) at my age.
    I would not want to get involved with any "ex-" issues involving The Urchin(s) either.
     
  17. La Sagna

    La Sagna I did it! I'm a butterfly!

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    You're entitled to your preferences but that's a pretty harsh value judgement.
     
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  18. undfined

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    If something were to happen to my wife I think the only way I could seriously relate to another woman is if she were also a parent. She would need to develop a positive relationship to my kids as well. Hah - what a difference a decade makes. In your 20s it's a no-brainer to say "no way!"
     
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  19. wolkenkraetzer

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    You're entitled to your preferences but that's a pretty harsh value judgement.

    There's a fine line between "harsh" and "sensible"--and I'm assuming that Dragon is doing his part to prevent any pregnancy from occurring. In today's economy, people tend to get married later and wait longer before having kids.

    Frankly, I felt the same way when I was 24--perhaps it is a "gender" and "age" thing. Just sayin'...
     
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  20. nosferatu

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    Urgh. I had a stalker once. He had a kid at age 15 and raised both the kid and the mom who is nuts... For all he worked and did, he ended up being kicked out on the streets, so he became a couch surfer, and according to him nothing he could do for the two was ever enough. So we kept running in to one another at a video game bar. I mean it was fun hanging out with him at the video game bar, but he started showing up at my house (don't know how he knew where I lived), and would ask to talk, then try to pity party in to "staying". And that I seemed unhappy, should meet his daughter, and that she'd bring me joy in life like how I supposedly brought him joy.

    Never again. Never ever again. No. Nope. Also the fact I can't ever see myself being more than a mommy to a cat...

    Living and learning from Homeless Water Buffalo saga. He looked like a water buffalo to me and that became the joke name for the situation with my friend.
     
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