Why is he still so nervous around me?
- Thread starter Artemisia
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No need to be sarcastic, bellisima. Frankly, you sound like a negative person. Oh, and by the way, I don't take selfies and I don't send them to strangers.
i'm not even.
i asked nicely though.
CindyLou, he said he is an INFP but sometimes tests as an INFJ. In my opinion he is the former as he is way too slow in reacting to everyday life situations to be a J. I know a lot of INFPs and they are all sweet and laid back, like him. Of course he is also Swedish so it may be a cultural thing.
- Aug 21, 2015
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The behaviors where he doesn't text you back, or wish you a happy birthday over the phone/text/internet sound like my INTJ husband. We've been together over 20 yrs. He is reserved, and more comfortable talking about 'feelings' after a few drinks. So, I'm not sure you should read too much into that.
I'm not sure his behavior is because he is Swedish, either.
When you do see each other, how long are you together? Maybe spending a longer period of time together would help?
Or maybe he is a bit insecure about the relationship, or intimidated by you?
Edit: I'm no sure the texting/ nervous behavior is because he is Swedish, the 'reserved about his feelings' part may be.
I'm not sure his behavior is because he is Swedish, either.
When you do see each other, how long are you together? Maybe spending a longer period of time together would help?
Or maybe he is a bit insecure about the relationship, or intimidated by you?
Edit: I'm no sure the texting/ nervous behavior is because he is Swedish, the 'reserved about his feelings' part may be.
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Hi Asa,
Due to work/studies and the fact that we live in two different countries, we only get to see each other in person every 3-4 months for a couple of days. I know that long distance is difficult and not always a good idea, but my male cousin corresponded/Skyped with a girl in the Netherlands for 2 years before they met up in person and spent the next two years going back and forth between the two countries. Now he has moved to Amsterdam and they are living together. My Swede is planning to live in my country for an extended period of several months in the spring, so things will be different then.
As far as if he is unsure of intimidated, it is very likely. He's only been in one relationship, which lasted for 5 years, and broke up with her over 1.5 years ago (they did not remain friends). I am afraid to be overly affectionate with him because he is reserved and being Swedish, it is in their culture. He also doesn't take compliments well as they make him feel anxious (or so he said).
Due to work/studies and the fact that we live in two different countries, we only get to see each other in person every 3-4 months for a couple of days. I know that long distance is difficult and not always a good idea, but my male cousin corresponded/Skyped with a girl in the Netherlands for 2 years before they met up in person and spent the next two years going back and forth between the two countries. Now he has moved to Amsterdam and they are living together. My Swede is planning to live in my country for an extended period of several months in the spring, so things will be different then.
As far as if he is unsure of intimidated, it is very likely. He's only been in one relationship, which lasted for 5 years, and broke up with her over 1.5 years ago (they did not remain friends). I am afraid to be overly affectionate with him because he is reserved and being Swedish, it is in their culture. He also doesn't take compliments well as they make him feel anxious (or so he said).
- Dec 29, 2009
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Hi @Artemisia I've read through the thread a little more closely now. I think you may well be right about the distance factor and the cultural aspect. I'm not sure on the age difference so much, unless he's said something, or you feel that's an issue in some other way.
I think any kind of long distance relationship is difficult. How much contact you maintain that is good for both of you. Maybe it's as important to work out how you feel and what you want as to second guess his situation or nervousness?
I've been reading a book about Scandinavia called The Almost Nearly Perfect People which I think you might like. We get a fair bit of Danish and Swedish tv here in the UK on bbc 4 it's very good. Maybe a little immersion in that might help you? From the book I'd say it can be a bit of a minefield. If nothing else it might be a way to raise and discuss things without it getting to serious etc. I am quite a fan of how the Scandinavians have developed their culture it seems very progressive overall.
If you are feeling a bit neglected by him, like about your birthday, maybe gently raising it might be the thing to do. Whatever the mbti type, guys generally are less comfortable talking about feelings. If you are serious about the relationship even if it's harder work than you'd hoped, it's probably worth persisting, unless you feel he really doesn't feel the same. Good luck in any case.
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Hahaha. Yes, I am surrounded by Swedes in life, so I understand the reserved / doesn't take compliments well traits.
When you get the chance to spend more time together things will likely change.
I would let him go forward in the relationship at the pace that makes him comfortable. You will be able to gauge how he feels. Just let him grow into expressing it.
Personally, I don't think long-distance relationships between two mature, balanced people are a "bad idea". Of course, ideally you will live together or near each other, but that will happen at some point.
When you get the chance to spend more time together things will likely change.
I would let him go forward in the relationship at the pace that makes him comfortable. You will be able to gauge how he feels. Just let him grow into expressing it.
Personally, I don't think long-distance relationships between two mature, balanced people are a "bad idea". Of course, ideally you will live together or near each other, but that will happen at some point.
I'm glad the cultural aspect has been brought in. Scandinavians really do do things differently, which may baffle Americans. For example, from our first date, we've been splitting the bill. Scandinavians do not really pay for the woman's mean or drinks; they also do not have a concept of dating and will usually sleep with someone first and "date" after the deed. It helped that I actually read about their culture early on because a lot of women would turn a guy down just because he didn't offer to pay for dinner.
I'm going to read that book "The Almost Nearly Perfect People".
I'm going to read that book "The Almost Nearly Perfect People".
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Hahaha. Yes!
In the music industry, bands that tour together exchange merchandise. Everyone in each band gets a shirt and CD/record/download code for the other band. The Swedes never participate in this exchange, even with close friends. It is an open joke (in the music industry). I am charmed by it.
- Not exactly about love, or your concerns, but it is a good example of the culture.
In the music industry, bands that tour together exchange merchandise. Everyone in each band gets a shirt and CD/record/download code for the other band. The Swedes never participate in this exchange, even with close friends. It is an open joke (in the music industry). I am charmed by it.
- Not exactly about love, or your concerns, but it is a good example of the culture.
- Dec 29, 2009
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I'm glad the cultural aspect has been brought in. Scandinavians really do do things differently, which may baffle Americans. For example, from our first date, we've been splitting the bill. Scandinavians do not really pay for the woman's mean or drinks; they also do not have a concept of dating and will usually sleep with someone first and "date" after the deed. It helped that I actually read about their culture early on because a lot of women would turn a guy down just because he didn't offer to pay for dinner.
I'm going to read that book "The Almost Nearly Perfect People".
I'm glad the cultural aspect has been brought in. Scandinavians really do do things differently, which may baffle Americans. For example, from our first date, we've been splitting the bill. Scandinavians do not really pay for the woman's mean or drinks; they also do not have a concept of dating and will usually sleep with someone first and "date" after the deed. It helped that I actually read about their culture early on because a lot of women would turn a guy down just because he didn't offer to pay for dinner.
I'm going to read that book "The Almost Nearly Perfect People".
@Artemisia I think I should say whilst I am enjoying that book, it did get mixed reviews from some, largely due to it's humorous approach. It's from a British journalist, and I'm not sure our humor is always appreciated/liked by others. I don't want to put you off though, as despite it's approach I think there are some interesting insights in there. The writer has lived in Denmark for some years, and wanted to give a bit more of a balanced view of Scandanavia, than he felt some in Britain have of their culture.
Personally I never had an idealized view of it to begin with, and found the journey he makes through it, and comparisons of the countries differences interesting. I do think cultural differences do impact how we behave, even in ways we may not realize ourselves at times. That was very interesting from @Asa about the exchanges (or lack of) between the bands. I would never have guessed that. I tried to think how a British band would react, and I think we would probably feel obliged follow suit and join in, albeit in a reserved way. I think though we (Britian) would be very unlikley to initiate such a thing ourselves.
If I were to try to sum up 'British culture' it would be a perpetual feeling that we either have, or are just about to, commit a social faux pas of some kind, and a quiet hope that others will not notice, or be kind enough not to mention it. I don't mean that to be a tangent to your thread @Artemisia just an example of the part cultural differences might make.
I sort of skipped page two (whoops) so if I'm repeating what's already been said, sorry about that.
I'd just really like to second - or third or whatever - the talking/asking him thing. I really really doubt he'll get more nervous if you ask him why he's nervous. I dated an INFP just last year and found that a completely open relationship worked really well. The INFP I dated had trouble talking about his emotions at first, but if you continue to show concern and let him know that you don't feel right while he's feeling the way he's feeling, then he'd open up. It would still take time and patience though, because even when he was "opening up" he'd have moments of self-doubt and try to say that it was "nothing". I found that validating his concerns was key in getting him to keep opening up.
Honestly in any relationship, INFP or not, I think talking is one of the best things you can do for it. Even if it's uncomfortable or you think they might take it badly, it's worth it if you can pull it off in a respectful, gentle way.
I'd just really like to second - or third or whatever - the talking/asking him thing. I really really doubt he'll get more nervous if you ask him why he's nervous. I dated an INFP just last year and found that a completely open relationship worked really well. The INFP I dated had trouble talking about his emotions at first, but if you continue to show concern and let him know that you don't feel right while he's feeling the way he's feeling, then he'd open up. It would still take time and patience though, because even when he was "opening up" he'd have moments of self-doubt and try to say that it was "nothing". I found that validating his concerns was key in getting him to keep opening up.
Honestly in any relationship, INFP or not, I think talking is one of the best things you can do for it. Even if it's uncomfortable or you think they might take it badly, it's worth it if you can pull it off in a respectful, gentle way.
@Artemisia I think I should say whilst I am enjoying that book, it did get mixed reviews from some, largely due to it's humorous approach. It's from a British journalist, and I'm not sure our humor is always appreciated/liked by others. I don't want to put you off though, as despite it's approach I think there are some interesting insights in there. The writer has lived in Denmark for some years, and wanted to give a bit more of a balanced view of Scandanavia, than he felt some in Britain have of their culture.
Personally I never had an idealized view of it to begin with, and found the journey he makes through it, and comparisons of the countries differences interesting. I do think cultural differences do impact how we behave, even in ways we may not realize ourselves at times. That was very interesting from @Asa about the exchanges (or lack of) between the bands. I would never have guessed that. I tried to think how a British band would react, and I think we would probably feel obliged follow suit and join in, albeit in a reserved way. I think though we (Britian) would be very unlikley to initiate such a thing ourselves.
If I were to try to sum up 'British culture' it would be a perpetual feeling that we either have, or are just about to, commit a social faux pas of some kind, and a quiet hope that others will not notice, or be kind enough not to mention it. I don't mean that to be a tangent to your thread @Artemisia just an example of the part cultural differences might make.
Well, exactly. Which is why I was perplexed that no one brought up the cultural differences. And they are massive. As I said, an American woman would feel out of place finding a guy in Scandinavia.....mostly because the rules are so different and she would probably be waiting for the guy to pursue whereas that is not what Scandinavian men do. Sometimes I wonder if my Swede expects me to pursue him more. I am often hesitant because I don't want to be too pushy or clingy (that's not my personality) but perhaps it comes across as disinterest. I have to say though that I usually suggest things to do and he almost always agrees.
While culture indeed does play a part
Having been in a multi cultural/lingual/racial relationship and knowing a multitude of others who are in them too, I honestly think that cultural differences that stem from country alone are not the biggest factor. Also they were not brought up in the OP so we did not have a reason to assume they were.
A white middle class American probably is closer culturally to a white middle class Scandinavian than they are to say another American POC with a low SES.
Having been in a multi cultural/lingual/racial relationship and knowing a multitude of others who are in them too, I honestly think that cultural differences that stem from country alone are not the biggest factor. Also they were not brought up in the OP so we did not have a reason to assume they were.
A white middle class American probably is closer culturally to a white middle class Scandinavian than they are to say another American POC with a low SES.
I think everyone has circled around the answer in this thread. Culture, age difference, personality, self esteem issues, intimidation, shyness about physical intimacy, etc. are all possible contributing factors. The fact that you guys rarely see each other and mostly communicate by phone/skype rather than spend time one-on-one probably has him out of his element. Particularly if he hasn't had any relationship experience and is an anxious personality.
As to how you change it, well, forgive me if I draw back on your previous threads, but you haven't been playing those 'bitchy girls get results' games, have you? The reason I mention this at all is that I recall you mentioning that you sometimes use these tactics on the men you date. This was a couple of months ago in a few of your previous threads and if this relationship is a year-old and you haven't been seeing anyone else, I do wonder if you've simply confused/intimidated the poor kid. In which case, step number one would be: be true to yourself and your feelings. People can be understandably nervous around people that seem like they're playing games (and trust me, most people can tell). And that goes double for INFPs. INFPs are all about ☆.。.:*authenticity☆.。.:*・°☆. One of the biggest fears for an INFP is getting involved with someone who isn't as emotionally invested as they are and they can be very sensitive to anything that looks like insincerity. It doesn't matter how much you've 'reassured' him. If you are seeing other men and he knows it, that could also be the reason why he's nervous around you. It may be a mix of distrust and anxiety. He may fear getting too involved with you.
But this is just me speculating on what little information I have.
Whatever the situation, it would be beneficial if you sat down with him and gently said that you noticed that he's nervous around you and instead of speculating on why that is for yourself, listen and find out what his deal is. Once he tells you his concern, you'll have a better idea of how to tackle it and assuage whatever fears he has.
As to how you change it, well, forgive me if I draw back on your previous threads, but you haven't been playing those 'bitchy girls get results' games, have you? The reason I mention this at all is that I recall you mentioning that you sometimes use these tactics on the men you date. This was a couple of months ago in a few of your previous threads and if this relationship is a year-old and you haven't been seeing anyone else, I do wonder if you've simply confused/intimidated the poor kid. In which case, step number one would be: be true to yourself and your feelings. People can be understandably nervous around people that seem like they're playing games (and trust me, most people can tell). And that goes double for INFPs. INFPs are all about ☆.。.:*authenticity☆.。.:*・°☆. One of the biggest fears for an INFP is getting involved with someone who isn't as emotionally invested as they are and they can be very sensitive to anything that looks like insincerity. It doesn't matter how much you've 'reassured' him. If you are seeing other men and he knows it, that could also be the reason why he's nervous around you. It may be a mix of distrust and anxiety. He may fear getting too involved with you.
But this is just me speculating on what little information I have.
Whatever the situation, it would be beneficial if you sat down with him and gently said that you noticed that he's nervous around you and instead of speculating on why that is for yourself, listen and find out what his deal is. Once he tells you his concern, you'll have a better idea of how to tackle it and assuage whatever fears he has.
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It sounds like he might be quite walled off in terms of his emotions. It could be the case that you'll never be able to get much emotional expression from him (in terms of what your hoping for). I'm not saying that people cannot change, but it may be a case of working out if he feels more than he is able to show at the present time. Or alternately, whether your happy being with someone who finds it difficult being affectionate.
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I'm guessing that he is still nervous around you because you've only actually met 4 times in person! It often takes INFPs quite a bit longer than that to totally warm up/open up to somebody. Texting, calling, etc. is not the same as in-person interaction. And the fact that there are several month gaps inbetween when you see each other probably slows down the process for him even more.