Why is he still so nervous around me? | INFJ Forum

Why is he still so nervous around me?

Artemisia

Artemisia

Community Member
May 20, 2014
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I am 33 and for the past year I've been dating an INFP guy who is 26. We slept together fairly early on, and we live in different countries but have visited each other 4 times in the past year and kept in touch weekly.

The thing is that he is still very nervous around me even after one year of knowing me. When we hang out together in public, he stares at me and has a sweet smile on his face but expects me to go in for the kiss unless he is drunk. Sometimes he is shaking in my presence and I feel like he tries hard to seem appealing to me.

I wish he'd relax so we can move the relationship forward. I compliment him all the time, touch him, and seek his company first. I don't know what to do to make him relax more.
 
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Have you asked him why he's still nervous? Do you tell him what you notice? What does he say when you bring it up?
 
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I just told him not to be nervous around me, not WHY I make him nervous. That is a bit too personal I feel.
 
The last thing he wants is for me to point out how nervous he is. He is nervous already....telling him it is noticeable would only make it worse.
 
Hmm. If I was you I could see myself going for the touching/affection route. You say you're doing that already though. How do you touch him to try and relax him?

You could try mirroring him. I could see myself doing that too. Mirror his nervousness and anxiety. Laugh it off but ask him if he has any ideas on how you could relax. He may focus on your anxiety and forget that he's nervous and come up with ways to relax himself not ever knowing you even prodded him a bit. ;) It may make him feel more comfortable if you weren't so relaxed if he's a ball of anxiety.
 
This seems like another humble brag thread:

"Oh goodness I am so desirable that I date younger men who can't even keep it together due to how amazing I am. Such a hard cross to bear, how I can I fix it?" I mean, certainly you can see how others might interpret it this way.
 
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In fact I have easily made out with far more people than I have ever held hands with ... that is super intimate.

Sex is a biological imperative ... it doesn't always mean something more than simply fulfilling a need.

Maybe he is nervous because he doesn't want anything outside of the bedroom but doesn't know how to say that and still get the sex. Do you initiate all conversations and visits?
 
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Jet said:
In fact I have easily made out with far more people than I have ever held hands with ... that is super intimate.

Sex is a biological imperative ... it doesn't always mean something more than simply fulfilling a need.

Maybe he is nervous because he doesn't want anything outside of the bedroom but doesn't know how to say that and still get the sex. Do you initiate all conversations and visits?
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The thing is that we haven't had sex in many months. When we meet in person we usually meet in cafes and kiss a bit. It's not really about the sex for either of us.
 
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Artemisia said:
The thing is that we haven't had sex in many months. When we meet in person we usually meet in cafes and kiss a bit. It's not really about the sex for either of us.
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Has he flat out said its not about the sex?

Again ... do you initiate the vast majority of your conversations and visits? I'm not saying that this is the truth in your situation, but it always amazes me what some people will do to keep a good fuck around...and unless you have specifically had a conversation about it, based on what little knowledge that I have it could be a possible explanation.
 
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Jet said:
Has he flat out said its not about the sex?

Again ... do you initiate the vast majority of your conversations and visits? I'm not saying that this is the truth in your situation, but it always amazes me what some people will do to keep a good fuck around...and unless you have specifically had a conversation about it, based on what little knowledge that I have it could be a possible explanation.
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*laughing*
Love the NT perspective. If it was just about the sex would he go for months being celibate? Wouldn't it be easier to find a romping buddy closer to home? I imagine it is more than just the sex. I still think he's probably overwhelmed by his feelings for you.
 
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Jet said:
It may seem weird but it is far more intimate for me to share my true thoughts with a person than it is for me to get jiggy with them .... but I'm weird.
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Old(er) age has me gone to what you might call prudery or even monogamy. If we both can't go naked emotionally, no way we are getting jiggy.
 
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I realize that my previous post may have come across too harsh ... that was not my intention. I participate on a debate forum and we often have DMLs (Debate My Life) so over the years I have debated about all sorts of situations and the board there is very supportive but very evidence based and I defaulted to that style trying to hash out information, which in hindsight may not be appropriate on this forum.

So I'm sorry if I was offensive.
 
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infj1357 said:
*laughing*
Love the NT perspective. If it was just about the sex would he go for months being celibate? Wouldn't it be easier to find a romping buddy closer to home? I imagine it is more than just the sex. I still think he's probably overwhelmed by his feelings for you.
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But do we know that he is being celibate for months? I fully admit I may be missing some background, but nothing in the OP stated that they were exclusive in fact I took her "take it to the next level" to mean that they hadn't gotten serious yet.
 
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PintoBean said:
Old(er) age has me gone to what you might call prudery or even monogamy. If we both can't go naked emotionally, no way we are getting jiggy.
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It is easier for me to make out with a person then to hold their hand.

Kissing means nothing in and of itself...but hand holding, that is a loaded action.
 
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