When You are Withdrawn | INFJ Forum

When You are Withdrawn

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by WellNoWonder, Dec 10, 2009.

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  1. WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    I'm pretty new here, like today new.

    But I have to jump right on in and ask a question.

    When you are going/are into a Loner Cycle, how do you deal with family/friends who don't understand it?

    I'm in the phase right now, and I think people are mad at me but I don't care. I kind of feel bad but then I don't.

    I don't explain anything. I just go there and stay there for as long as needed. I have a feeling this one will be about 60-90 days. I'm about 45 days in now. I feel like I've been pushed to my maximum with the emotional overload and needy people who want to use me and hang me out to dry without a second thought. Which I'm used to, but still it gets to be unbearable sometimes. And I felt like I was about to snap....

    I have only been associating with people I barely know. I can't explain that one but it feels great.

    So...how and what do you do to handle it?
     
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    #1 WellNoWonder, Dec 10, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2009
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  2. midnightmelody

    midnightmelody nagging for truth

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    I think my phases are typcially shorter than yours. This may because I have to see the my friends more (I have most of my classes with my closest friends so I see them everyday).

    I typically just listen to music and wait for it to pass. Usually when I emerge from this "phase" I feel refreshed and people are not going to hold my temporary loner-ness against me. However, that does mean I'll get excluded from things. Sometimes I'll go into a "solitary" phase but I don't necessarily mean to exclude myself. It just happens naturally.

    I don't really force anything, though. I'm not rude about it, so people can't really be angry with me. I'm typically just left alone when this phase comes along so I suppose I've never really had to deal with encounters.

    When friends ask me about it, I can be a bit snappy. My ESTP friend will say things like "Why are you so quiet today?". It kind of annoys me because I suppose I find that a dumb thing to ask.

    Why are you so loud and energetic all of the time? I hope that doesn't make it sound like I'm angry about it. I just find it pointless.

    Sometimes during my quiet phases people get the impression that I am sad. While this is the case some of the time, often times I just feel like being quiet.

    In regards to fly away's bubbliness thread, I think this is part of the reason INFJs have problems with being bubbly. We overexert ourselves for a time but we almost must replenish. We do a bit of retuning and recharging before we can brave this social world.
     
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  3. Ria

    Ria Snow White over the ocean

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    I am there now too, actually, and have just ben making the bare minimum contact with the important people in my life. It's important to touch base with those individuals now and then, so they do not feel totally rejected...

    Those who are my close friends (my family), understand this about me and are used to it. They have seen me here before, and they are very supportive for when I am ready to talk or hang out. It's a hard thing for me to take when I don't return their text messages or their emails, and I know what u mean about feeling guilty, yet somehow not.

    All I do is try and relax, after I have made contact. The sort of feeling, is like after I have paid my bills, then I can just let go of that thing on my list that I need to do, before I can switch off again, and be in my zone to recharge...

    Perhaps the people you're feeling who are leaving you out to dry, are not the people you should be returning to, after your isolation period. It's a thought anyway, and I know it's hard to find others who understand and appreciate the value of who you are, with all your rich inner life that you happily share with those close to you, but if they are helping to fill you somehow, they will be worth having to come back to.

    I guess you could try and make brief, occasional contact, and explain to your need for space. If they are not willing to let you be yrself without geting upset, then it's likely they don't understand you and appreciate you for who you are and how you opperate.
     
  4. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    I hate being a loner. Though, I did spend virtually years without really having contact with anyone outside of required interaction. It upset my family, and none of my friends cared because I didn't have any. I just told my family that there was nothing I wanted to do outside of my room, which was true.

    Being alone for that long is not good, but I can totally understand being unhappy with your relationships. If the people who use you are upset that you are fencing yourself off, you should try to discuss with them what exactly it is that upsets you about the one-sided-ness of the relationship. I really don't think that being a loner is a solution to the problem, and I think that you should try to work on whatever it is that drove you into this in the first place. I'm a hypocrite for saying that, but I really do think it is important.

    If you are having a schizoid episode, that is even more indicative of how much you need to address the issues, unless you really are a schizoid, in which case nothing I say is going to change your mind.
     
  5. Puck

    Puck Perilous Pixie
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    It's a really thought provoking question. I don't really have a typical way of handling my need for extended periods of downtime. Sometimes I'm able to get away with hiding in my flat with a book, some indulgent music and some chocolate or a selection of delicious herbal teas. Other times I have no choice but to face up to life and battle my way through, often slipping into shadow mode to cope with scenarios I wouldn't otherwise be able to handle in my 'quietness'. That has led to some ugly moments in the past, but really, life is not forgiving of introversion, and the needs of introverts are not catered for by the demands of a holding down a job to pay the rent or whatever other cross we have to bear.

    How to cope:

    Regular meditation helps somewhat, as a spiritual band-aid, and I suppose whatever else you can fit in, that would enable you to recharge for a short period in order to deal with the people you need to deal with or the things you have to do. Calming music? A walk in nature? A child's laughter? These things help to fill me up, somewhat, but I suppose your version of spiritual medicine would be individual to you.

    :) Wishing you all the best.
     
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  6. Milon

    Milon Director of Glomps
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    Well, it might be a good idea to talk to them when you're out of the cycle. Let them know that know and then you need to retreat from people, and you do it to be healthy, to recharge yourself. They may not understand, but that's okay. Either way, the next time it happens, you just tell them that you now need time away. Then you don't have to even worry about guilt during the recharge cycle.

    Also, the whole thing about interracting with people you don't know - there's less history, so less pressure and expectations. It IS easier in many senses. There's nothing you bring to the interraction, there's nothing you are required to take away from it. It only lasts for the duration. (That part just kind of came to me now, never thought about this before - I could be off.)
     
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  7. Moxie

    Moxie Absent-Minded Professor

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    I have found that I generally withdraw for long periods of time like you do. Unfortunately, most people don't understand it. I'm not Schizoid, I promise. I just need to be alone, and really don't understand what the fuss is with people needing constant reassurance that I'm there. I will be there again, and I'm always there when you need me - now go away right now. :D

    Unfortunately, I've realized that through the years this has turned into a habit. I spend more time alone than I should, and don't really stay in contact with people very well at all. There are times when I realize that I've let distances in that have really affected the relationship. I'm at the point where I realize I need to fix this, with a lot of different people (family especially). But not quite yet... in another month or so will be the right time. :p In the meantime, I like my drama-free life.
     
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  8. Gaze

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    I don't deal with this well, and i need to learn how to because i find that i'm allowing it to affect my productivity at work and home. Hmm. Yeah.
     
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  9. randomsomeone

    randomsomeone Well-known member

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    I only truly withdraw when I am sad...and that happens now and again. Usually it only lasts for a few hours. At this point it's generally it's best for me to just turn in for the night....things always look much better in the morning.

    I have few people around me in close proximity, so I can withdraw now and then and no one would be the wiser.
     
  10. OP
    WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    So much thanks to everyone...

    I see it's just a commonality between us all.

    I'd like to think there's nothing wrong with it. I do think my family understands though they get upset with me because I do tend to ignore phone calls and texts from everyone. Unless there is an urgent situation

    I'd like to address the schizoid thing also. My mother is schizoid. She is has been withdrawn for YEARS. Since I was teen. I try to watch my behavior because I know I have a lot of potential to turn inward like this.

    I do spend an enormous time with my children though. They flourish when I withdraw this way. And I do too, as a mother. I also spend a lot of time listening to the undertones in house/techno music. They match my moods/thought process/(heartbeat even?). Another thing, I wear fuschia shirts/sweaters almost exclusively during these times. It allows me to be social through appearance, and I don't really have to SPEAK to anyone. I also dance, A LOT.

    One of the worst periods I had in this State, was a time of drunkeness and highness, way before I married and had children. I was going through the big fight of Poet Vs Chemist. Yeah. What a fight. It was so bad, it propelled me to join the military just to detox myself. Needless to say, once I sobered up, I did not fare well in this environment.

    Naturally some type of Rebel. I don't mean to break the rules, they just don't match my soul...
     
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  11. dneecey

    dneecey I am who I am.

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    Ahh... the loner periods..

    Thankfully I have a very understanding group of friends. I like to say they have my batman signal.. just in case they ever need to call me in. Because no matter how far off or distant I may seem if one of my friends or family truly needs me, I can pull it together to be there for them.

    That being said, I also fall off the face of the Earth often.

    One of the things I have tried to do is spend more time with myself and focusing on things that help me recharge daily. For example, staying up later than everyone and being alone, reading, writing.. staring off into space thinking. Or, waking up earlier and doing the same thing.

    This makes for shorter periods of loner time for when those phases do arise I've noticed.

    I don't know if that will be the same with everyone, but I think these phases of our life can be so long because of the fact that we are neglecting ourselves and stretching ourselves too thin.

    Please, sweetheart.. try not to do that. I know it's easier said than done.. so I hope you do figure this out. And don't forget that it is okay to take time for yourself. You're not a bad person for doing this. It's part of who you are, and it is a good idea to explain that to the people that you care about. If they truly care for you, which I'm sure they do, then they will understand this, just like I'm sure you would do for them.

    :hug: I'm glad you're here.. and feel free to ask away. Also my PM box is always open if you have more questions that you want to ask. I will do my best to help. :D
     
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  12. OP
    WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    I do this too, go immediately to bed if I get too overwhelmed and sad. My sadness is related to being tired I've learned too.
     
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  13. Entyqua

    Entyqua Forgotten
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    I have lost more friends to my loner periods...mine are generally long like yours...Hell I disappeared from here for nearly a year..

    We still talk casually, but there is a bridge there that cant be gaped...People dont understand, but the seem to recognize what is going on...

    I am feeling the loner cycle approaching (giggling inwardly about how the Loner cycle sounds so much like the lunar Cycle) I feel myself pulling all that I am back into my body, and shutting down. :m190:
     
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  14. OP
    WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    Do you feel guilt about losing the friends? (I've done board disappearances too) I do momentarily, and I don't usually forget people, I just don't talk to them anymore.
     
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  15. Entyqua

    Entyqua Forgotten
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    Yea for every one of them...and I am the same way I never forget..just dont talk to them...
     
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  16. OP
    WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    You know, my meltdown yesterday, I THINK, was a result of attempting to come out of the Loner Phase too early. My mothers birthday was yesterday and there was this family get-together. I was immediately overwhelmed as the kids and I entered the house. Too many people. And everyone seemed to have their mouths open and their hands out, even though I am sure I was grossly overviewing basic family camaraderie. People were even offering me up to give rides home as if I didn't have two cranky toddlers to get home and in the bed. Usually I don't care, but in this Phase, I can be extremely selfish and unreachable. And unwilling, heck, uncapable of extending myself beyond hugs of greeting.
    Posted via Mobile Device
     
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  17. NeverAmI

    NeverAmI Satisclassifaction
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    I have been falling into this as well. My mail isn't opened. Phone calls aren't returned. Emails are forgotten. I procrastinate everything humanly possible. I dread social interactions at work, yet I have to do it.

    I have been forcing myself to exercise, which is not something I have typically done in the past, I dance, which isn't as monotonous as other exercise routines. People offer to help, but I can't take it, it is just too overwhelming for me. I mean if someone just came and sat next to me and didn't say a word, I would feel better. If they asked me to talk, I would feel more upset. I hate talking, I can never relay my feelings correctly.

    When I get this way I tend to overindulge in bad things like sweets, alcohol, formerly cigarettes, and other things that aren't good for the body, so I try to keep a check on that. I just try to find some things that make me happy or put me at ease. I recently bought an oil based paint set which I enjoy.

    I am somewhat weird in that if I go somewhere I want to be with someone, otherwise I feel awkward. Yet, I don't like to talk most times unless I am comfortable enough to let out my humor. I try to go out by myself and not feel weird. I still don't like going to places with a lot of people due to my social anxiety, but I try to.

    I denied myself any fun for a long time during these stages because it didn't feel "right." I felt selfish for ignoring everyone else and I shouldn't be rewarded for doing so. Yet, if I look at it in terms of being a friend to myself, I am simply attempting to cheer myself up. The happier I am with myself, the happier I can be for others.

    I think the best thing to do is to accept that this is how you are, and it is ok. Just because other people don't understand or accept it, doesn't make it bad.
     
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    #17 NeverAmI, Dec 14, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2009
  18. OP
    WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    I used to do this too. I tried to punish my social side because I was accepting others's views that I was just practicing escapism from my true problems. lol . how incredibly shallow now I see it. my father is one of these shallow people. I do not understand how he views me as a social butterfly.

    even when I am out, I am not socializing. I'm there because there are several people I have been around for several months and I feel comfortable in their presence. I spend 30-45 minutes hugging and greeting people, and the remaining 3-4 hours is spent dancing or sitting alone.
     
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  19. PoetOfDreams

    PoetOfDreams Shadow Queen

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    I do have loner periods. However being in a choir that meet weekly, I do interact with people. More on better days but there is some interaction every time i meet. On the days that I don't come are those extreme loner days (If i don't have a concrete reason like studying for an exam.)

    I do have loner moments which last for 1-2 days (every other week) more than periods that last more than a week (months in between).
     
  20. Raccoon Love

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    I withdraw very often, I have been a loner pretty much all my life, however they are periods when I get very lonely and depressed, I aspire some sort f deep friendship but it has not worked..I been forced to get use to being alone pretty much all the time(sit alone at school, parents work till late etc)
     

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