What were you raised to be? | INFJ Forum

What were you raised to be?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Gaze, Jul 2, 2010.

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  1. Gaze

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    Growing up, parents, caregivers, family members seemed to have expectations of us, what we should be, what directions we should take, or career we should pursue.

    When i was young, i loved reading, writing, and was very bossy, so teaching seemed like a good fit. ;) But my dad wanted me to go into business because he thought it was the practical way to go, but i wasn't feeling it and went into humanities . . . yes, i rebelled by studying the arts. (lol)


    So, what were you raised to be? How did those expectations affect you? Did you stray from them, follow them, try to incorporate them in your own plans?


     
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  2. Reon

    Reon Midnight's Garden

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    I was raised to be an academic child simply, my parents didn't have any goal in mind for me. Many of my family members, especially my grandmother, saw me growing up to be a preacher.
     
  3. Raccoon Love

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    Well I am still growing, but various aspects of life are not turning the way my parents wanted. Frustrated by this, they release anger for not being what they expected or following tradition.

    My parents had the dream that I would be a businessman, marry a Christian white woman(Yes I'll say it here, my parents are a bit racist), they expected me to have a strong personality and to have many relations/connections.


    I ended up being the opposite of what they expected. I dream of getting into the Sciences. I turned out to be gay which was like a stab to their back. I do not follow their stereotypical views, I am open to a relation with anyone of any religion/race.

    In short terms, I am turning out to be the opposite of what my parents expected which is why they are treating with so much hatred and rejection.
     
  4. Skathac

    Skathac <font color=#27A601>Community Member</font>

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    My parents didn't pressure me with any preconceived plans on what they wanted me to do with my life. While in retrospect this could be the main factor in why at age 29 I do not possess a college education and while I am not on a professional career track as I feel I should be, it did leave me quite open to explore any opportunity I wanted to and mature at my own pace.

    What they tried to instill in me was a strong sense of right and wrong, my father taught me how to shoot firearms and how to stalk hunt, my mother taught me how to cook and encouraged my abilities with reading and writing. Mom was a cheerleader in high school that went to college and became a nurse. Dad was a football player in high school that had an athletic scholarship for college but chose instead to work at a factory to provide for his family. Discussing my childhood with both of them results in a very similar sentiment, I was an extremely quiet child and teenager and was almost impossible to talk to...eventually they figured that if I had something I wanted to talk about I would come to them but this was extremely infrequent. My sister on the other hand dad says talked entirely too much and frequently engaged in arguments with my mother and back talked my father...it drove him to drink heavily. So one child he couldn't get to shut up and the other he couldn't get to speak I surmised over a bottle of whiskey with him one night, this caused him to laugh heavily and clap me on the back and tell me how glad he is that I understand. He confronted his drinking with his family's support and gave it up completely for a number of years, now if he feels inclined to have a drink he'll ask me to have one with him...we don't get sloppy drunk, instead we savor the qualities of the alcohol and reminisce, trying to make sense of things and having discussions he wished we could have had when I was much younger.
     
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  5. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
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    Both my parents are INFJ and they never pushed much of any expectation on me. What expectations they had of me were:

    My mother: to be a good Catholic: to avoid attachment to money/material goods; to have special generousity to the poor; to honour God and His saints; to forgive injuries; etc. ... and not to waste my talents (in this respect she always wanted me to do some tertiary study).

    My father: to work diligently; never to neglect rest and recreation; to provide for the needy; to keep your belongings clean and in order; to show especial respect/courtesy to women; to always keep the law and conduct business/tax/etc honestly; to show respect to my mother; to keep affectionate bonds with family.

    My response: I haven't rejected my parents' expectations/encouragements - however, I find that I am not as good a person as they individually are. Nevertheless, I keep thier counsels as an ideal I try to reach.
     
  6. Peppermint

    Peppermint Well-known member

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    To be an overachiever. I kept up with it till I started to think for myself. Yes, there was some disappointment, but oh well.
     
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  7. OP
    Gaze

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    Yeah, same thing for me. Growing up, it was always about doing well in school. So, not much else outside of that.

    Which is why growing up was pretty hard to do.
     
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  8. kita

    kita <font color=#990066>Regular Poster</font>

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    My father forced me to practice math and music everyday from a very young age. I remember being able to do long division in 1st grade and being stuck on a piano bench for hours until I could play everything 10 times perfectly. I was very stubborn and kind of lazy about it...I actually use to take naps on that bench.

    I don't know if those lessons were part of some bigger plan for my future, but I work in a music related field and am thinking about going back to school for statistics.
     
  9. Satya

    Satya C'est la vie
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    I don't know. The only instruction that I received as a kid was to go to college.
     
  10. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    I was expected to be tough yet kind.
    I was also expected to go to college.
    Yet I was never punished for my poor grades.
    It was kind of just sink or swim, you better go to school--any school and we're not putting you through it.
    Worked out fine.
     
  11. Matariki

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    My mother (ESFJ) wanted me to be a Police woman or some other stable, practical job.

    My father (INTP) wanted me to choose, he didn't mind what I wanted to do, just as long it was positive, contributing and moralistic.
    And that I was happy doing it.

    Me, I choose to become an animation director, which right now I am currently studying to be.
    My mother is not impressed with the idea, my dad is all for it.
     
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    #11 Matariki, Jul 2, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2010
  12. IndigoSensor

    IndigoSensor Product Obtained
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    Both of my parents learned early on that I was going to follow my own path, and to only guide me along it. My mother (INFJ) has always respected what I wanted to do and allowed me to persue who I wanted to be. An added benifit to her is I have always had similar interests to her, so it made her happy. My mom was all about treating everyone fairly and kindly, and as I naturally knew to follow that, it worked. I just had a hard time being polite as a child because I had aspergers syndrome as a child, so I was constantly being drilled for that. My mom would be satisfied with who I am no matter what, so long as I am not mean.

    Interestingly my father (ESTJ) has never expected me to follow a set path. He sort of let me find my own niche. He was extremely strict and emotionally abusive to me growing up, but somehow that didn't interfear with this. I think though he had a list in his head that he would want me to follow. If I wanted to go to school to be an artist he would bawk at it because it isnt practial to him. I choose chemistry early on and he liked that because its a lucrative career. He did have some expectations though that I never met (but has since largely gotten over). Such as being physically tough, being into sports, being straight, being extroverted. So those have been sore points for him. I am ambitious, hard working, and intelligent though so he got some things he wanted. I'm not who my dad idealized me to be, but he's ok with it in the end.

    In short I met most expectations of who my parents wanted me to be.

    Note: parents divorced right before I turned 4 years old.
     
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  13. Barnabas

    Barnabas Time Lord

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    My parents never had a career path for me. Mom(INFJ) always told me that she would support me in anything I did. Dad(I/ENFJ) always said what ever you do, do your best and make sure you enjoy the work you do, cause you'll be doing it the rest of your life "Your the only one who can make you happy". In short they raised me to be what I wanted to be, whatever that may be.

    Alot like Skathac, and also like Indy my parents are divorced.
     
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  14. Trifoilum

    Trifoilum find wisdom, build hope.

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    My parents rarely give me step-to-step direction as per what should I do, or what should I become,

    I'm with Indy in this case; father (ESTJ) Only told me to study hard and actually understand what's being taught (good example), to always think and ponder about what's being said to(I believe it's manifested in a way entirely different than what he expected) and to be extroverted (......no.)

    Mother (ENFP) only cares about having parties and their children not embarrassing her.

    But they want me to basically have a stable, secure life. Unfortunately in their language it means opening business, being a businessman blah-blah-blah. No, not interested right now.
     
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  15. MindYourHead

    MindYourHead Courage doesn't always roar.

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    If there is one thing I can complain about my upbringing, it is that my parents never instilled any real career focus in me.
    I never spent any time in High School planning on what I would do, or even that I should be making plans for my secondary education.

    I kind of drifted for many years after High School.

    I envy those that have a plan in place, as I lost a lot of ground during my 20's.
     
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    #15 MindYourHead, Jul 2, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2010
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  16. tovlo

    tovlo Well-known member

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    I don't think my parents expected much of me. My dad just seemed to want me to stop crying every time someone looked at me funny.

    The only expectation I was acutely aware of was that my Dad did not value my introversion or sensitivity. I think he worried about my future well-being. He pushed me to be social and outgoing. This caused me to learn social skills that I perhaps otherwise would not have acquired. I think it also exacerbated my shyness.

    My Dad also influenced my career choice, but it was not pushing. He was out of work while I was in college. I had been on an English major path, but my counselor had advised me I only had a 30% chance of getting a job with that degree. My Dad was pointing out the pages and pages of accounting jobs in the paper, more as a commentary on the jobs he was not qualified for rather than a suggestion of a career I should choose. Yet, I got the connection between the two inputs and switched majors. I've generally been able to find work, but I've never really been happy in my work.

    Because there was such a lack of expectation from my parents, I think most of my decisions about what I should be were internalized from wider cultural influences. I'm not sure this is a good thing since these influences knew me and my interests/capabilities less well, if at all.
     
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  17. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    Nothing specific. Dad gave me a strong work ethic, or tried to.
     
  18. Poetic Justice

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    My dad didn't want to know me so screw him

    My Mum just wanted me to go to college. She didn't know what for but that was a sign of success to her.

    I ignored her advice from an early age as I think I quickly became smarter than her and realised she was highly limited in her world view.

    She once saw me putting gravy on chips and she said "Oooh you don't put gravy on chips" I said "why" and she looked at me like I was an alien. She is VERY stuck in her ways and doesn't understand new things or why anyone would do anything other than what she was raised to do, which isn't much

    She is also very negative. Whenever I share any info about my life with her she gives me a list of reasons why it will all go wrong and examples of me screwing up in the past as proof that I will fail.

    When I told her I had been offered training and work for the UK's largest Life Coaching Company she said "Oooh, I don't know about that, just think how many times it took you to pass your driving test"

    fuck off

    I was held back by her for years. Now I take my own counsel

    I feel really guilty fo how little attention I pay to her because she isn't actually trying to be mean. She really does love me and would do anything for me but she's so damn negative and tries to make me the same. Plus she's clueless.

    Basically I was screwed from the beginning.

    Sorry for rambling. I don't usually open up like this
     
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  19. Phoenix Down

    Phoenix Down Permanent Fixture

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    My mums dream for my brother and I was to complete college.
    And be respectable good people.

    I don't object to either expectation
     
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