What struggles do you face when trying to get to know someone? | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

What struggles do you face when trying to get to know someone?

VertigoLapse said:
lol "resting bitch face"... I feel you man. I am not sure how to help you out with your anxiety problem, since I myself have a tad of that. I'd like to add onto this with a group scenario that I absolutely hate compared to the group scenario.... 1 on 2 group dynamic. Oh man I can't even begin to figure this sort of thing out, it's like a 1 on 1 but you end up connecting more with 1 and you have to end up trying not to make the other person a 3rd wheel X'D and if you fail, you worry about looking like a dick. It makes me nervous just thinking about it!

Is there any other scenarios you can think of?
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Oh man...which scenario are you thinking about? Are you the 1 or either of the 2? It's easier in certain situations. If you're either of the 2, then it's easier cause I'm guessing the other is your friend that you can slowly introduce to the conversation by asking for their input. With the other....idk...it's hard sometimes. You can be really into your conversation and end up not realizing you're leaving someone out. Not cause you don't like them, but because you're really engaged in it. I guess you can try the same thing as asking for their input, cause at least it shows you're trying to connect and not totally ignore them. I like balancing it out as much as I can. Even if I'm really into a conversation, I'll try and stop it at some point and talk with the other. I'll try and get both people engaged with each other at some point. Now when YOU'RE the third wheel....just tell em to either get a room or start talking to you. jk
 
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OliOliOxenFree said:
Oh man...which scenario are you thinking about? Are you the 1 or either of the 2? It's easier in certain situations. If you're either of the 2, then it's easier cause I'm guessing the other is your friend that you can slowly introduce to the conversation by asking for their input. With the other....idk...it's hard sometimes. You can be really into your conversation and end up not realizing you're leaving someone out. Not cause you don't like them, but because you're really engaged in it. I guess you can try the same thing as asking for their input, cause at least it shows you're trying to connect and not totally ignore them. I like balancing it out as much as I can. Even if I'm really into a conversation, I'll try and stop it at some point and talk with the other. I'll try and get both people engaged with each other at some point. Now when YOU'RE the third wheel....just tell em to either get a room or start talking to you. jk
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Well what I meant and didn't communicate well, is you 3 being strangers, and you end up the 1 of the 2... and your just trying to juggle them in the conversation, but you end up realizing from intuition that one of them is bored out of their skull and feels left out, and now you have to juggle and pleasing the one... then the other becomes bored, and so on and so forth... It's almost a blessing if you becoming the third wheel in this scenario, but when both people are reserved and you are the leader indefinitely lol goodbye my energy reserves haha
 
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VertigoLapse said:
Well what I meant and didn't communicate well, is you 3 being strangers, and you end up the 1 of the 2... and your just trying to juggle them in the conversation, but you end up realizing from intuition that one of them is bored out of their skull and feels left out, and now you have to juggle and pleasing the one... then the other becomes bored, and so on and so forth... It's almost a blessing if you becoming the third wheel in this scenario, but when both people are reserved and you are the leader indefinitely lol goodbye my energy reserves haha
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Oh I seeeeeeee...Yeah this is a bit of a nightmare. Thankfully, I haven't really had many of these situations. I think it's mostly because when I have those particular experiences, I'm talking with people older than me, so they kind of know how to fill in the silence. The few times I HAVE had this is when I'm with people younger than me, who expect the "grown ups" to ask the questions. Good lord, I only then realized how hard it is.
 
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I sometimes struggle with putting myself out there in the first place. Sometimes in the past (at grammar school) when in a group I have tried sneaking in commentary to include myself in the conversation, but some people have just looked at me like "Why are you talking? What are you even doing here? You don't belong with us." This has made me very cautious, but I'm not in that place anymore, so I'm seeking some environment (IRL) where I belong. Starting with a job. I'm sort of waiting for that kind of in case I have to move to another city, because I need physical proximity to really bond with someone. Virtual proximity is more of a temporary thing for me. It's just too easy to let go of, as I don't feel this connection with people I haven't met.
 
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Ginny said:
I sometimes struggle with putting myself out there in the first place. Sometimes in the past (at grammar school) when in a group I have tried sneaking in commentary to include myself in the conversation, but some people have just looked at me like "Why are you talking? What are you even doing here? You don't belong with us." This has made me very cautious, but I'm not in that place anymore, so I'm seeking some environment (IRL) where I belong. Starting with a job. I'm sort of waiting for that kind of in case I have to move to another city, because I need physical proximity to really bond with someone. Virtual proximity is more of a temporary thing for me. It's just too easy to let go of, as I don't feel this connection with people I haven't met.
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That sucks! I'm sorry you had to go through that. I went through something similar and it made me become more reserved and shy about sharing my thoughts and ideas. It's only when I truly felt I could contribute something or when I felt that something HAD to be said that I would speak up. As for your second point regarding bonds, I guess everyone is different, but I've felt that some of my closest relationships to people have been through virtual worlds. It's funny because I get to know a lot about them without having the bias of a physical barrier. In turn, if I do ever meet them in person, their physical appearance isn't an issue for me as I am more connected to who they are as people. But like I said, everyone has their own preferences.
 
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OliOliOxenFree said:
That sucks! I'm sorry you had to go through that. I went through something similar and it made me become more reserved and shy about sharing my thoughts and ideas. It's only when I truly felt I could contribute something or when I felt that something HAD to be said that I would speak up. As for your second point regarding bonds, I guess everyone is different, but I've felt that some of my closest relationships to people have been through virtual worlds. It's funny because I get to know a lot about them without having the bias of a physical barrier. In turn, if I do ever meet them in person, their physical appearance isn't an issue for me as I am more connected to who they are as people. But like I said, everyone has their own preferences.
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The thing with the physical barrier is that it's really the other way around. I'm not physically biased. Online you can never be completely sure when someone is being serious, unless they give it away in some form. You never know how many filters an utterance goes through when they want to bring something across. The non-immediacy of virtual reality thus twists the image you get, no matter how authentic they want to be. Knowing this makes me see how they want to present themselves, but that makes it harder to see who they really are. In person it adds a dimension to their personality. You get more information than you would get in a chat or forum. This is why I pretty much quit common social media.

Edit: The thing that is missing for me is body language, facial expression and voice (esp. pace and tone). Those things make a person too. There is also information in how something is said, not merely what. This is what makes me love and not just like people.
 
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Ginny said:
The thing with the physical barrier is that it's really the other way around. I'm not physically biased. Online you can never be completely sure when someone is being serious, unless they give it away in some form. You never know how many filters an utterance goes through when they want to bring something across. The non-immediacy of virtual reality thus twists the image you get, no matter how authentic they want to be. Knowing this makes me see how they want to present themselves, but that makes it harder to see who they really are. In person it adds a dimension to their personality. You get more information than you would get in a chat or forum. This is why I pretty much quit common social media.

Edit: The thing that is missing for me is body language, facial expression and voice (esp. pace and tone). Those things make a person too. There is also information in how something is said, not merely what. This is what makes me love and not just like people.
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I understand what you're saying. I agree with what you said about how people can filter what they say and wanting to see how people present themselves. It is extremely important for people getting in a relationship to see what they are like in real life so that they don't endanger their safety, but at the same time, I feel that you can never ever be sure if someone is serious whether or not it be online or in real life. It can only be shown through their actions and by that I mean physical and online. I get what you're saying as a means of security, but in terms of attraction, I've found that I personally feel that I don't have the boundaries of social norms and I can ask what I want and they can, likewise, say what they want. In the end, it all comes down to personal preference. I do agree with your point though :)
 
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Primarily, I struggle with a lack of time to dedicate to other individuals in order to foster what is needed in a healthy friendship.
It is pretty easy to form a surface level friendship relatively quickly in most circumstances, but having a deeper understanding of other individuals in order to figure out how to best serve them as a friend takes a lot of time on both my part and theirs. Not to mention the follow through.
 
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OliOliOxenFree said:
Hey Guys! Was curious as to what kind of challenges you all go through in your struggle to find a relationship or even just friends? This can be anything small or big. For me, its the fact that I absolutely detest small talk and try to do my best to connect with an individual on a personal level in the quickest way possible. Some people can be really taken aback by how forward I can be. I deeply care about my relationships with people, almost to a point where I like talking to them a bit too much that they start to see it as a bit of an annoyance. Would love to hear your guys' thoughts!
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My biggest obstacle is similar to that. I wanna connect with people sooooo bad. In addition though, the first impression I make, is pretty extroverted, but upon a second encounter , I'm pretty introverted. I tend to jump back and forth between the two. I wanna hang out with them again. But words don't come easy, and I hate small talk as well. I've come to really love teasing, because it's a way for me to break the ice, and gives me a little leeway when it comes to having to conversation. instead, the goal is to get them to laugh. I'm excellent at not verbal communication, so if a friend txts, we usually have a waaayyy easier time "talking" than if I had to do it face to face.
 
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Happy Phantom said:
Hello and welcome to infjs.com!

I pretty much suck at friendships unless they're pushy and extroverted and even then I have bouts where I disappear into my bubble for weeks to months at a time. As for intimate relationships, I was in a very long term one so I know I'm capable and extremely patient, however I think a lot of people do not understand me and misinterpret things I say as if I'm speaking another language. I wish I could offer you more help.
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Yeah, sometimes I feel like I came from another planet. What I say is making total sense to me, but the other person gets confused pretty quickly and it's a bit frustrating. Sometimes I have to explain a few times :p
 
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I'm genuinely interested in people so it comes quite naturally for me to ask "appropriate" questions (depending on the vibe I get from the person). The frustrating part of it is when you pick up that some people actually don't like being asked questions or something in the exchange has caused a change in their demeanor (and I totally accept that because we all have our reasons etc). When this is the case the interaction generally falls back to small talk. Yes, small talk has its benefits but it can be draining and superficial - particularly when it's the only established type of conversation between that person AND when it just goes on forever. So probably not a struggle as such but helpful information for me to know when I'm interacting with certain individuals.
 
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