What struggles do you face when trying to get to know someone? | INFJ Forum

What struggles do you face when trying to get to know someone?

OliOliOxenFree

OliOliOxenFree

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Jul 18, 2017
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Hey Guys! Was curious as to what kind of challenges you all go through in your struggle to find a relationship or even just friends? This can be anything small or big. For me, its the fact that I absolutely detest small talk and try to do my best to connect with an individual on a personal level in the quickest way possible. Some people can be really taken aback by how forward I can be. I deeply care about my relationships with people, almost to a point where I like talking to them a bit too much that they start to see it as a bit of an annoyance. Would love to hear your guys' thoughts!
 
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OliOliOxenFree said:
Hey Guys! Was curious as to what kind of challenges you all go through in your struggle to find a relationship or even just friends? This can be anything small or big. For me, its the fact that I absolutely detest small talk and try to do my best to connect with an individual on a personal level in the quickest way possible. Some people can be really taken aback by how forward I can be. I deeply care about my relationships with people, almost to a point where I like talking to them a bit too much that they start to see it as a bit of an annoyance. Would love to hear your guys' thoughts!
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Yeah I know how you feel completely. I have found that just asking questions and then adding a little of your own experiences into the mix, a good combination. Now I dislike small talk, but if your good at it you can lead the small talk into something deeper, by asking a thought provoking question on the subject, of course you have to gauge how they may respond to slightly odd questions. (this comes from my own experience with a random encounter):

person: Oh yeah and my plants get super happy when I give them this fertilizer, they just sparkle and shine the next day.

me: Did you know that plants can feel things like most other creatures in this world? It's just super primitive.

person: Haha, now I will feel bad about killing weeds, what have you done to me?!


I am not sure if this is the best way to form a spark in a conversation with most people, but I tend to dislike the company of someone who dislikes off the wall deep random deep conversations. In a way if they do respond not so well to it, it sort of weeds out the people you may not want to spend your time with.

And having to deal with small talk is such an agonizing thing to do. The worst part about it is, that sometimes you HAVE to do it, I still haven't figured out how to last more than 20 minutes before blanking out and wanting to run haha. Maybe you have better experience in this field than I do, I wish I could extend the period of time for much longer.
 
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Hello and welcome to infjs.com!

I pretty much suck at friendships unless they're pushy and extroverted and even then I have bouts where I disappear into my bubble for weeks to months at a time. As for intimate relationships, I was in a very long term one so I know I'm capable and extremely patient, however I think a lot of people do not understand me and misinterpret things I say as if I'm speaking another language. I wish I could offer you more help.
 
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VertigoLapse said:
Yeah I know how you feel completely. I have found that just asking questions and then adding a little of your own experiences into the mix, a good combination. Now I dislike small talk, but if your good at it you can lead the small talk into something deeper, by asking a thought provoking question on the subject, of course you have to gauge how they may respond to slightly odd questions. (this comes from my own experience with a random encounter):

person: Oh yeah and my plants get super happy when I give them this fertilizer, they just sparkle and shine the next day.

me: Did you know that plants can feel things like most other creatures in this world? It's just super primitive.

person: Haha, now I will feel bad about killing weeds, what have you done to me?!


I am not sure if this is the best way to form a spark in a conversation with most people, but I tend to dislike the company of someone who dislikes off the wall deep random deep conversations. In a way if they do respond not so well to it, it sort of weeds out the people you may not want to spend your time with.

And having to deal with small talk is such an agonizing thing to do. The worst part about it is, that sometimes you HAVE to do it, I still haven't figured out how to last more than 20 minutes before blanking out and wanting to run haha. Maybe you have better experience in this field than I do, I wish I could extend the period of time for much longer.
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Yes. I completely agree. I've been trying to do just that and it does help a lot. It's just kind of frustrating when the person you want to get to know is surrounded by a bunch of other people. It makes it harder to ask personal questions without sounding like a creep/weirdo. I'm sure people like to have deep conversations on certain things. The difficult part is getting to know WHICH topics they care about enough to talk about.
 
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Happy Phantom said:
Hello and welcome to infjs.com!

I pretty much suck at friendships unless they're pushy and extroverted and even then I have bouts where I disappear into my bubble for weeks to months at a time. As for intimate relationships, I was in a very long term one so I know I'm capable and extremely patient, however I think a lot of people do not understand me and misinterpret things I say as if I'm speaking another language. I wish I could offer you more help.
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Hello! Thank you so much! LOL, I'm just as bad. I suck at networking with people and having many friends at a time. It doesn't help that I can be super sensitive to criticism.
 
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OliOliOxenFree said:
Yes. I completely agree. I've been trying to do just that and it does help a lot. It's just kind of frustrating when the person you want to get to know is surrounded by a bunch of other people. It makes it harder to ask personal questions without sounding like a creep/weirdo. I'm sure people like to have deep conversations on certain things. The difficult part is getting to know WHICH topics they care about enough to talk about.
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I guess it would all depend on how much time you have spent listening. I found from watching my INTP that if you just listen and nod, and maybe say a shallow question here and there, you end up getting the information you need to say something deep to the group or directed at a question from an individual. Group conversations are always a tough thing for me as well, so I prefer to be the silent person who nods and grunts at peoples stuff, no one ever dislikes a person like that, which takes a load off my back. I guess my advice is to just listen and nod until you find the chemistry of the group, and then jump in. Also if it doesn't work remember people don't tend to remember such things later on, which is a relief.
 
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Pin said:
I overpower strangers with questions and eye-contact.
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Chloroform works really well too. It's awesome because when they wake up, they always start the conversation with, "Who are you?" and "Where am I?" It's great practice!
 
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VertigoLapse said:
I guess it would all depend on how much time you have spent listening. I found from watching my INTP that if you just listen and nod, and maybe say a shallow question here and there, you end up getting the information you need to say something deep to the group or directed at a question from an individual. Group conversations are always a tough thing for me as well, so I prefer to be the silent person who nods and grunts at peoples stuff, no one ever dislikes a person like that, which takes a load off my back. I guess my advice is to just listen and nod until you find the chemistry of the group, and then jump in. Also if it doesn't work remember people don't tend to remember such things later on, which is a relief.
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I get what you mean. Finding the right time to jump in is so nerve wracking for me though (yes, I'm that socially anxious). I like being silent and listening and then contributing very rarely, but usually with something insightful and meaningful. People seem to be more drawn to expressive, charismatic, and warm people. Not to say I'm none of those things, but I would not really display those qualities in a group funnily enough. Add to that my resting bitch face and you're gonna have a bad time XD
 
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OliOliOxenFree said:
I get what you mean. Finding the right time to jump in is so nerve wracking for me though (yes, I'm that socially anxious). I like being silent and listening and then contributing very rarely, but usually with something insightful and meaningful. People seem to be more drawn to expressive, charismatic, and warm people. Not to say I'm none of those things, but I would not really display those qualities in a group funnily enough. Add to that my resting bitch face and you're gonna have a bad time XD
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It's ok to be awkward or force/fake emotions that you're not feeling. Worthwhile goals often require us to bulldoze our unproductive emotions.
 
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OliOliOxenFree said:
I get what you mean. Finding the right time to jump in is so nerve wracking for me though (yes, I'm that socially anxious). I like being silent and listening and then contributing very rarely, but usually with something insightful and meaningful. People seem to be more drawn to expressive, charismatic, and warm people. Not to say I'm none of those things, but I would not really display those qualities in a group funnily enough. Add to that my resting bitch face and you're gonna have a bad time XD
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lol "resting bitch face"... I feel you man. I am not sure how to help you out with your anxiety problem, since I myself have a tad of that. I'd like to add onto this with a group scenario that I absolutely hate compared to the group scenario.... 1 on 2 group dynamic. Oh man I can't even begin to figure this sort of thing out, it's like a 1 on 1 but you end up connecting more with 1 and you have to end up trying not to make the other person a 3rd wheel X'D and if you fail, you worry about looking like a dick. It makes me nervous just thinking about it!

Is there any other scenarios you can think of?
 
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OliOliOxenFree said:
Hello! Thank you so much! LOL, I'm just as bad. I suck at networking with people and having many friends at a time. It doesn't help that I can be super sensitive to criticism.
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You will very likely become less sensitive the older you get. It also depends on who is critizising you, and whether or not it is constructive, or mean spirited.
 
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Pin said:
You have no idea how badly I want to prove you wrong.
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Oh I do. You would only be wasting your time though. Surrendering is your only viable option.
 
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