What is a Happy Marriage?

We're just crazy about each other and have been for 35 years. Can't explain it, it just is. Maybe it's just a matter of luck. We've gone through hard, stressful times, but our love has endured and we've been very fortunate. A happy couple grows together, reinforces each other, and supports and strengthens each other. As a couple, we are more than twice ourselves.

 

I'm not married, but have several good aquaintances who are. From what they say of their marriage I think I could answer the questions hypothetically.

I suspect marriage/family is different for husbands, wives and the children. If I were married I am guessing my satisfaction or fullfilment would come from making sure the household and its members are well provided for (in material and possibly other terms). Part of my satisfaction would be that my provision for the family is not offered as some payment for services rendered or for comfort/happiness supplied. Rather, my commitment to love, forgive and provide would be unconditional even if things went sour.

I think a happy marriage is one where the commitment to try to be a good, caring, giving spouse is BOTH completely unconditional and reciprocal.

 

True.

But, I would also add that, at least for us, there is a strong sense of being a two person team going through life together, struggling, succeeding, sometimes failing, but always enduring with total support for each other.

 

Commitment - in a word.

 

One in which the woman has found the most attractive, powerful, and rich man possible and that same woman is the most attractive woman that the man will ever find.

 

A happy marriage is a constant work in progress.

 

I think people in that kind of marriage really want the best for their partner, are pleased when the other is happy and when they succeed.

If the other person's happiness is what makes you happy.

 

I wasn't going to jump back into deeper discussions just yet, but this is something that I am pondering quite a bit right now. I think in a happy marriage both partners need to be able to separate themselves from the unit (marriage) and have an identity of their own as well as being a healthy functioning couple. Like the old saying goes, it all starts inside of you. If you are looking for a marriage or another person to make your life happy you are going to be disappointed most of the time.

Encouraging and nurturing the other persons individuality, as well as your identity as a couple, is one of the real keys to a happy marriage I have found. There are many other things that have and will be mentioned I know, but this is a piece of wisdom I have garnered of late that I thought I would share. If nothing else it is true for me.

 

A myth? lol

 

Not a myth, but as rare as the Ivory-Billed Woodpecker...

 

I have yet to see a truly happy marriage that was based on truth and not lies. but I remain hopeful for the future.

 

They exist.

 

Yes, they do. Most people are not willing to put in the hard work though. Few marriages survive on love alone.

 

I suppose so... everyone keeps telling me that, anyway, so I guess they must be right! It seems to be very much about loving each other, but not in a fairy-tale sort of way. Would not want to pretend to be any sort of marriage counselor, however. hm. who knows. I hate to see people so sort of hopeless and cynical.

(PS Not you, the world in general!)

 

Well, I don't know from experience, but every good relationship needs to have clear communication, interest in what the other person likes/wants/dreams about, compromise, honesty, personal space, appreciation, etc.

Basically, think of what you want from someone, and give that to the person you're with. It takes two people respecting each other; it takes two people willing to give up a little to give to someone else.

 

I was watching Justin Beiber on TV the other day, im pretty sure he will turn out to be homosexual, just a gut feeling, but they have him mass marketed not only to zillions of 10 year old girls like my cousin, but also to grown women. Its despicable.

That lead me to thinking about how miserable everyone is in their relationships and how unrealistic the bill of goods we have been sold is...

love as defined by our culture is absolutely not real. Its a myth and a fabrication produced and portrayed in the same vein as the electronic penis pump they sell late at night with fake doctors on some infomercial.

They induce you with fear. YOU'RE GOING TO BE ALONE!!! ALL ALONE FOREVER! Unless *cue upbeat music* you buy this.

Its bullshit. i'm sorry... its all bullshit I have yet to meet a normal person who buys into this shit IRL. And by normal I mean people not on TV.

I have been pondering on this actually for a while, I gave "tv love" a shot and I came out crushed and broken because it just wasn't real. It was too rigid in its expectations... and even so after 5, 6, 7, 20 years how could you still be excited by the same person?

When I see people asking a question like what is a happy marriage... that's what I am saying, people feel it, there is something artificial about what we have been lead to believe about relationships and love, it doesnt work, thats the practical reality, but everyone chooses to live a fantasy that ultimately crashes and burns. When will we wake up?

By the way, being in a relationship because we don't want to be alone is pretty asinine. We ALL are left alone at some point. Its called death, we all go through it alone. Which means a relationship should be more then a reaction to an irrational fear.

 

Well, Billy, that explains it right there: You need to get rid of your cable TV service and stop paying attention to that crap. Jeeze. :kiss: (I don't have cable TV, but it's mostly because I am a complete tightwad who also happens to not like to get sold a bill of goods, either. Or an electronic penis pump. Whatever....)

Yes, it is despicable what "Hollywood" (whoever that is) does to young people. Blegh.

Love and relationships do work, not always, but do you not have friends you have been friends with for all your life? (erm... I do... I assume other people do...) Why, then, would people automatically expect to not be able to be with a lover -- the right one -- for all their life, and to work together with that person to meet common goals?

And yes, you're right about the being alone thing, it should be nothing to be afraid of. Being a part of a couple is not the be-all and end-all of existence.

Edit: I don't know about being "excited" by the same person for 5, 10, 20, 50 years, maybe if someone is looking for the thrill of the chase it wears off, but that is not everything that defines a happy marriage. I don't know, everyone has their own definition. If the thrill of the chase is all you are looking for, then you probably shouldn't get married in the first place, I suppose.

 

I think this is very true.

I also think it's necessary to put in the effort to make a marriage last. The minister who married us (actually a friend of my husband's who got ordained online specifically for the purpose of performing our wedding!) used a great quote in his address. I can't remember it exactly - I'd have to look at our wedding notes - but it was something like, "Love does not sustain a marriage; rather, the marriage sustains love." Yes, of course there must be mutual attraction, respect, affection and love, but that's not enough - you have to make the choice to love that person and to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work. You don't just say "I do" on your wedding day - you say "I do" every day of your married life.

That's not to say every marriage can work out if the couple wants it bad enough. There are some marriage that were just never meant to be, or for whatever reason, are no longer meant to be. But I think a large part of divorces happen simply because people expect marriage to be this fairy-tale romance, and when a difficult time comes around, they are not willing to put in the work to get through it with the marriage in tact.

 

Yeah, I also hate what Hollywood/fairy tales do to young people, especially girls. (At the same time, I do love fairy tales and a good Hollywood love story!! lol) We all grow up looking for our knight in shining armor, and while most of us realize, logically, in our brains, that real life love is not like the movies, it is harder to convince our hearts.

Plus, Hollywood and fairy tales teach young girls that marriage is the be all and end all, the ultimate goal. That feeds into the image of women trying to "trap" men into marriage. Sure, not all women are super keen to talk marriage when a relationship gets serious, but a lot are (I was), and it's really not our fault. When we grew up hearing about Cinderella and Snow White living happily ever after with their handsome princes, is it surprising that women long for that, even when we know it's not realistic?