Ways Of Falling In Love

Pyrrhula

Pyrrhula

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MBTI
INFJ
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6w5
The typical way, that I'm accustomed to, is to become madly infatuated with someone in the early stages, which gives way to love somewhere down the road.

I've read about the slow-burner, but does it exist? How does it feel? Is it healthier and maybe even more reliable for longevity? I can imagine that with infatuation you are blinded to the other persons faults and possibly even red flags, which could lead to eventual failure. Is the slow and easy approach better for the long-term? Can a relationship be sustained if it lacked infatuation?
 
For me..maybe I've only experienced it the slow burn kind of way. I've never felt overly infatuated with any (so/s), just that I was really comfortable quickly with them. I didn't have to try to be anything I wasn't, I just felt relaxed in my own skin (and capable of really opening up to them).

Come to think of it, I don't really remember myself ever being infatuated with anyone -- even my "crushes"... they were just people I felt comfortable being around (kind of like I knew innately that they were someone I could open up to.)

There's genuine (cautious) curiosity of course, but not any sort of overwhelming pull toward them.
 
I don't think being overly infatuated or a slow-burner will determine the longevity of a relationship. But building a more stable foundation is.

Personally, i think i'm a slow burner. (I only dated 2 guys) my first so lasted 7ish years, the current one,3yrs. Both started out as friends but developed overtime, and since we knew each other very well, it helped us understand each others' attitude,moods,likes and dislikes. So the demands or expectations from each other are not that high, where as, if you started dating right away, you may hit it off at first and get infatuated with the idea of a lasting relationship, chances are you'll be expecting more than what they could actually give.

Mine is still work, but overall i think a strong friendship is a good relationship foundation. Really knowing/being comfortable with someone without having too much expectations or demands can help a relationship to last long. (Ofcourse there are many factors but for me, expect less, just enjoy)
 
All of my previous relationships began as infatuations so I don't really know better. I don't know if I could fall in love with someone I've known for a long time already. Since I've never experienced it, I think it would be weird to at one day think differently about that person. I think that if a slow-burner relationship would ever happen to me, I always considered that person attractive in the first place.

For me, the ideal way to fall in love is to meet someone, have an instant mental click and physical attraction, and be infatuated with each other while starting off as friends right away. Does that make sense? Like, you meet each other and immediately have a great time together (while thinking the other is a major cutie), and hanging out as friends while still getting to know each other better before you officially start a relationship. Or rather that the relationship just ninja-moves its way into your lives.

I think I just described the typical and cliche way of meeting The One.
 
I don't think it matters that much how you fall in love. Just that you do. That being said, feelings which take a while to manifest are probably truer than immediate infatuation. They are more likely to be based on something real rather than imagined.

instant lust/love would be more based on your assumptions about the persons traits rather than their actual traits.

Instant love burns brighter. Earned love burns longer

both burn
 
All I know is that next time around (should that ever happen), I’d like to share a balance of Eros, Agape, and Storge.

Cheers,
Ian
 
Poetic Justice said:
I don't think it matters that much how you fall in love. Just that you do. That being said, feelings which take a while to manifest are probably truer than immediate infatuation. They are more likely to be based on something real rather than imagined.

instant lust/love would be more based on your assumptions about the persons traits rather than their actual traits.

Instant love burns brighter. Earned love burns longer

both burn
Click to expand...

I agree that it doesn't matter, but it'd be good to know how these things can work. I think lots of people are throwing away potential long-term partners in favour of infatuation, which they believe to be an indicator of true love. Or something to do with instant gratification. I seem to question anything that doesn't begin that way.

Infatuation... It's such a weird thing, isn't it? Where do those crazy feelings come from so suddenly, and why only for a select few? I've had it develop for people I've already known for months, e.g. at work. I think circumstances influence it. Like meeting the INTJ on New Year's Eve.
 
Never experienced slow burn, and don't think it would work in the long run, at least for me. As someone said earlier, I would have to be initially interested and attracted but may take it slow so that I can get to know them well enough. That's more likely to turn into something long term. However, it's not really an easy thing to walk away when you have feelings for the person. Feelings aside, if you want to pursue something seriously, the real key is good relationship skills include conflict management and resolution. I don't think it will work long term if you're not drawn to the person, or want to put the effort in. But it would be weird to see someone as more who I've never seen in a romantic role before. I've always had mostly intense feelings for crushes and partners. Never truly had a light experience with feelings or love. It's always been a bit gung ho for me, and then having to pull myself back from diving in too quickly because of things not going as expected, which is tough. That's the only thing I dislike about the experience. I tend to fall hard and crash hard. :confused: It's very disorienting. I still want the passion and intensity, but with more stability and consistency.
 
I can't relate to being "madly infatuated with someone" - physically and mentally attracted YES - but there's always a part of me that holds back until I really get to know the person. When it's all systems go...then I turn to jelly.....:mf:
 
I've experienced the slow burn that led to infatuation. I've also been through the infatuation that leads to a slow burn out on the relationship. I don't think there is one right way.
 
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Hi Pyrrhula,

I am the same as you in terms of falling hard and fast. I think it has a lot to do with love addiction. Google love addiction forum and you will learn a lot about this.
 
Gist said:
Never experienced slow burn, and don't think it would work in the long run, at least for me. As someone said earlier, I would have to be initially interested and attracted but may take it slow so that I can get to know them well enough. That's more likely to turn into something long term.
Click to expand...

Maybe I'm misunderstanding something here, but slow burn ≠ not interested/attracted.
 
Aether said:
Maybe I'm misunderstanding something here, but slow burn ≠ not interested/attracted.
Click to expand...

Ah, ok. I guess that I was thinking that slow burn meant there was no initial interest attraction but after knowing them for a while, the feelings sparked and grew. And again, I rarely experienced something slow or gradual, so maybe my understanding or misunderstanding of slow burn is because I've never really experienced it.
 
Love burns to lust igniting passion sprinkled heavily in friendship ❤
Tis better to engage in agreements rather than expectations
Fore it is gentler on the soul to grow a connection than to mend a pierced heart
 
Artemisia said:
Hi Pyrrhula,

I am the same as you in terms of falling hard and fast. I think it has a lot to do with love addiction. Google love addiction forum and you will learn a lot about this.
Click to expand...

But I'm asking about whether or not it's possible to fall in love the other way (slow-burn), as that is what I'm currently experiencing/struggling with :) Maybe you are right, and I'm ambivalent!
 
For the first time in my life I am experiencing the slow burn. I think 4 years qualifies. :)

I’m not experiencing infatuation, quite the opposite in fact. That said, a rational approach
can still be deeply satisfying when there is childlike wonder, a safe emotional place to
share intimacies, and freedom to be playful.

I’m quite enjoying the clarity of it...I am sure of what I am feeling and experiencing,
instead of the dizzying rush of beginnings that are like flash-powder.

That said, I can feel dynamics playing themselves out, and they aren’t going to take
years, weeks, or even days to do so.


Cheers,
Ian
 
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