Help with my VERY stressed INFJ in a relationship

[Janas]

Hallo, I'm looking for an advice how to approach my INFJ boyfriend who is at the moment under a lot of stress to the point that he starts questioning everything and is not sure about anything, he said he needs time for himself to go through his feelings and to understand them. He struggles with sleeping and eating and general functioning. We were planning future together, I'm the first woman in his life with which he wants to have children. Our affection for each other goes since 2016 and we slowly fell in love with each other.
Here is a bit of background on the current situation:
Mine INFJ (I'm myself ENTJ) goes through the break up of his current relationship which wasn't functional for past 4 years but lasted over 20 years. She got sick and it changed her personality. We started dating in september taking it slow because were not able to not see each other anymore so we started a relationship during closing of his old relationship. He doesn't love her anymore but because of his guild feelings he struggled to end it so he just made constant actions so she realizes it is over and wil cooperate in a break up. He moved out a month ago and about 2 weeks later she said it has no use anymore and so she is ok with a divorce. He felt very relieved and in peace and we finally started to speed thins up in our relationship only now he got to hear his father is terminally ill and it is very hard for him to cope with. Last week was everything perfect he had a clear vision what he wants and we made plans for this weekend together. Only I started to feel something is up, he is very drained exhausted and getting colder so I panicked. He says that he has an enormous chaos in his head and knows nothing anymore and doesn't understand himself anymore. He doesn't understand why he feels like this but is very sad about failure of his marriage and it causes him a lot of stress now. He didn't expect it and tells me that our timing is very difficult that we did underestimated this. I know he loves me very much we have been in this situation already when he asked for 3 weeks break to have time to focus on ending his current relationship. After one week she ended it herself after a good talk with him. This time it is the most intensive so far and I'm really worried I will loose him. I'm searching for reassurance but he is in the state of mind now that he can't give me any clear answers on anything. Each time I notice that when he is under a lot of stress and has no energy for anything he is not able to give me clear answers. Then I go to the panic mode and because of that he becomes even more stressed and uncertain.
I never dated such introverted person, and I'm trying really hard to find the best approach. Please help! Thank you!

 

[Korg]

If I'm understanding you correctly, there was no time between his last relationship ending and yours beginning - correct?

If that is the case, and he was with her for 20+ years, then he hasn't been by himself in a very long time. Add in his father's terminal illness, an unprocessed divorce, you panicking about the relationship and daily life -- I'm not the least bit surprised he has chaos in his head and doesn't understand himself.

FWIW, I'm an ENTJ (arguable) and my partner is an INFJ (for sure). The ENTJ tendency is to control everything, fix every problem and generally behave as if reality and other people are configurable (and open to being configured). In the case of my partner at least, I've had to learn to back off and let her discern issues for herself and make sense of things in her own way at her own pace. Then when she's ready to talk, she'll come to me and I try to listen. Your mileage may vary.

 

[Janas]

If I'm understanding you correctly, there was no time between his last relationship ending and yours beginning - correct?

If that is the case, and he was with her for 20+ years, then he hasn't been by himself in a very long time. Add in his father's terminal illness, an unprocessed divorce, you panicking about the relationship and daily life -- I'm not the least bit surprised he has chaos in his head and doesn't understand himself.

FWIW, I'm an ENTJ (arguable) and my partner is an INFJ (for sure). The ENTJ tendency is to control everything, fix every problem and generally behave as if reality and other people are configurable (and open to being configured). In the case of my partner at least, I've had to learn to back off and let her discern issues for herself and make sense of things in her own way at her own pace. Then when she's ready to talk, she'll come to me and I try to listen. Your mileage may vary.

Hi Korg, thank you for your post. Yes it is correct, he had a crush on me since 2016 slowly growing and he is still married. We got together last september and yes he said it would be wiser to wait until we are both single but we both were not able to do that anymore. My panicking always makes things worse, this is the second time so now I know I need to stop that. Its quite hard since he always did what he said and last week he had everything clear. I just hope he will come back with everything sorted out in his head the way it was. He said that he always comes to the same conclusion only then the quilt and now sadness comes in and he starts anaalyzing everything all over again. I decide something and go by that, he decides and has a need to step back, think and go and again...

 

[InfernoMink]

If you are afraid that he might end your relationship because of all the mental anguish. Be and don’t be. Be, because you may really love this guy. Don’t be, because even if he says to take a break, he’ll remember your consideration for sure.
Just because him and I share MBTI, it doesn’t mean I know him outside of that so this will always be just speculation from my behalf.
The only thing I’m sure of is that he shouldn’t be lashing out on you or making you his punching bag and it doesn’t sound like he is but if he starts, don’t take that shit cause you are trying to be there for him and genuinely care for him. Just approach him with honesty, I’m sure he understands that there are two hearts now dealing with his issues.
anyways I wish I was an expert at this stuff but that’s all I got right now.
good luck and just apply critical thought to all the clues you are receiving.

 

[slant]

My advice based on my experience is to pull away willingly, give him his break up and space. If he does love you and want to be with you he will come back. It could take years, though. I put myself in this situation where it was clear somebody I dated wasn't over his ex and I ended up being used as a rebound and placeholder for the woman he was really in love with. This really destroyed me mentally so I would recommend caution in this situation. He may he loves you but it's so close to his old relationship he may be experiencing transference and projecting his feelings of love for his ex onto you to avoid being alone and dealing with the pain of rejection and the ending of a relationship. The best thing for both of you really is space and time apart. He needs to work through what's happening... Alone.

 

[Janas]

If you are afraid that he might end your relationship because of all the mental anguish. Be and don’t be. Be, because you may really love this guy. Don’t be, because even if he says to take a break, he’ll remember your consideration for sure.
Just because him and I share MBTI, it doesn’t mean I know him outside of that so this will always be just speculation from my behalf.
The only thing I’m sure of is that he shouldn’t be lashing out on you or making you his punching bag and it doesn’t sound like he is but if he starts, don’t take that shit cause you are trying to be there for him and genuinely care for him. Just approach him with honesty, I’m sure he understands that there are two hearts now dealing with his issues.
anyways I wish I was an expert at this stuff but that’s all I got right now.
good luck and just apply critical thought to all the clues you are receiving.

Thank you very much. I really don't want to loose him, that is why I'm searching for the best approach to help him.

 

[Korg]

Thank you very much. I really don't want to loose him, that is why I'm searching for the best approach to help him.

The best thing for him might be to lose him, though.

 

[John K]

@Janas it’s very hard to give you solid suggestions because we know so little about you other than the problem you face. My gut reaction is that your boyfriend is shutting you out while he sorts himself - that means your relationship is at a very early stage. You need to give him space to work things through and if you love him then that’s probably the best gift of love you can give him. He’s uprooting his home of 20 years and suddenly he finds he’s going to lose a parent too. He must be stressed out and spinning. He’s probably feeling empathic guilt too for the effects he’s having on others and trying to square that off.

A good way forward for yourself could be to give him gentle understanding and support while he works things through, without putting any pressure on him. Try not to let your anxiety make you push him too hard - at best he’ll be left with unfinished business that will keep bubbling up, and at worst you could push him away.

 

[Pin]

Mine INFJ (I'm myself ENTJ)

From one ENTJ to another try to listen more than you talk. Wait the situation out. I get very uncomfortable dealing with people's turbulent emotions. What I do to solve the problem is to wait.

A stressed person isn't thinking rationally so just give them time.

 

[Janas]

From one ENTJ to another try to listen more than you talk. Wait the situation out. I get very uncomfortable dealing with people's turbulent emotions. What I do to solve the problem is to wait.

A stressed person isn't thinking rationally so just give them time.

Hi Pin, thank you very much. Yes I have the same difficulty with unclear turbulent emotions. I gave him time, he wants a relationship with me and is worried that it is getting too messed up because of his divorce so I will need to learn to have patience and wait.

 

[Pin]

Hi Pin, thank you very much. Yes I have the same difficulty with unclear turbulent emotions. I gave him time, he wants a relationship with me and is worried that it is getting too messed up because of his divorce so I will need to learn to have patience and wait.

Feel free to vent here, I do.

 

[Janas]

Feel free to vent here, I do.

Yes, I'm very happy I found this forum, it already helped me a lot to understand his way of thinking.

 

[Janas]

My advice based on my experience is to pull away willingly, give him his break up and space. If he does love you and want to be with you he will come back. It could take years, though. I put myself in this situation where it was clear somebody I dated wasn't over his ex and I ended up being used as a rebound and placeholder for the woman he was really in love with. This really destroyed me mentally so I would recommend caution in this situation. He may he loves you but it's so close to his old relationship he may be experiencing transference and projecting his feelings of love for his ex onto you to avoid being alone and dealing with the pain of rejection and the ending of a relationship. The best thing for both of you really is space and time apart. He needs to work through what's happening... Alone.

Hi Slant, thank you for your reply. Yes things developed since I wrote this message. During this time his wife found out about us and confronted him and he said he loves me and wont give me up but later he felt very crushed again. He went through a lot of pain and confusion and said we need a break so he can finish his things off. Later she called and said it is done she wants a divorce and he was relieved and in peace with it so we continued happier than ever until the last Sunday when they were supposed to talk about the divorce but it got very emotional and he decided that he needs to try to give it a chance because this is haunting him some time already. Love for me versus obligation and history with her. So now we did split up but called a few times since even when he doesn't want any contact now. Today we called for the last time as he told me how the next talk with his wife went because I wanted to know what to expect. She is very furious and sometimes she thinks about forgiving and other time about divorce. We both he and me don't sleep properly for a week now. This is a huge nightmare to both of us. He can't dacite what to do he described it to me as if he sits on a rainy island and I'm the sunny island further away and all he needs is to het in a boat and come to me but somehow he is still stuck on this rainy island. He suffers very much me too. I was very supportive, cheering him up and saying that I have faith in our love and that he must do what he needs to figure this for himself. That I'm not angry or anything that I only feel love for him and want him to be happy. He knows me as his positive energizer and that is what I was on the phone inspitte of my pain. He knows I suffer and worries about me too. Our talk was very honest, friendly, peaceful just like nothing happens...I know that they decided to split up, he rented a new place for a year and their appointment is to see each other sometime to see if there is any hope for them. Their therapist told his wife that too many things happened between them already and now I came by too so it is a question if there is stil some meaning to continue. He loves me very much, we are true soulmates he feels it to, but he also feels guilt and failure for is marriage. I have no idea what is going to happen, I behaved on the phone my best possible and kind way and I have no idea when I gonna hear from him again. He is my boss and for now we decided to keep things normal but try to avoid unnecessary contact together. He said he needs this for himself because he is not able to be there for both sides anymore. I'm in the worst pain I even been and only me love and hope keeps me going. I have no idea what to do from now on.

 

[Janas]

My advice based on my experience is to pull away willingly, give him his break up and space. If he does love you and want to be with you he will come back. It could take years, though. I put myself in this situation where it was clear somebody I dated wasn't over his ex and I ended up being used as a rebound and placeholder for the woman he was really in love with. This really destroyed me mentally so I would recommend caution in this situation. He may he loves you but it's so close to his old relationship he may be experiencing transference and projecting his feelings of love for his ex onto you to avoid being alone and dealing with the pain of rejection and the ending of a relationship. The best thing for both of you really is space and time apart. He needs to work through what's happening... Alone.

I forgot to mention one important thing,. our love developed for years and last two years he was in love with me already. He liked me since 2016 and he never met such a match for him as me. He kept on saying that it feels so amazing to be able to be himself and everything is so great that it is hard to believe it is real. I'm not a rebound we talked about that too. Our love is something that we felt a long time even when we both were then married. I divorced for him from my marriage which was more of a friendship than true love and soulmates. He is married for 25 years so it is very very hard to let go of the history together.

 

[biwaly]

INFJs are like portable devices that need a constant recharge routine as the rest of the introverts but INFJs needs more recharge time due to their dominant Ni. Just put your INFJ into recharge and leave them alone until they recharged enough. So let them disappear when they want and don't let them force to appear. Though they are human therefore you can't just look at them to understand if they are recharged. INFJ will appear in your life like nothing happened in which when it happened INFJ won't want to talk about the past so just move on with the INFJ or left behind. No one can help recharge INFJ because it's a fight only they can fight all alone. Be there when they want and do things that what you should for them like cooking and that's all you can do for them. But because they are a human forcing them into stuff they like helps a lot like cooking their favourite meal. They may not appreciate the meal now but they'll realize how helpful you were after they win the fight. Until they win they will be in a trance in which they'll ignore everything except their fight. Yeah sure they may talk with you, work at their job, etc. while fighting but they'll be like they ain't really there but don't take it personally or don't think they died, everything is over with them, et cetera. Ni + Ti + Se makes INFJ stay sane in which they can endure hell and get out of hell unharmed.

About what to do: Sometimes not doing anything is the best course of action because all you can do is making the situation worse.

How to handle INFJs' problems. Don't be selfish. INFJs does things for you in the shadows and never lets you know about them so no matter what INFJs always acts according to people they care about but they have to choose for themselves so they choose so of course. Support INFJs, don't disagree with them or they'll leave you. Don't create problems for them because life is problematic enough. Don't expect them to help you out with everything, help yourself. Don't force INFJ to be the leader, be your own leader.

 

[Janas]

INFJs are like portable devices that need a constant recharge routine as the rest of the introverts but INFJs needs more recharge time due to their dominant Ni. Just put your INFJ into recharge and leave them alone until they recharged enough. So let them disappear when they want and don't let them force to appear. Though they are human therefore you can't just look at them to understand if they are recharged. INFJ will appear in your life like nothing happened in which when it happened INFJ won't want to talk about the past so just move on with the INFJ or left behind. No one can help recharge INFJ because it's a fight only they can fight all alone. Be there when they want and do things that what you should for them like cooking and that's all you can do for them. But because they are a human forcing them into stuff they like helps a lot like cooking their favourite meal. They may not appreciate the meal now but they'll realize how helpful you were after they win the fight. Until they win they will be in a trance in which they'll ignore everything except their fight. Yeah sure they may talk with you, work at their job, etc. while fighting but they'll be like they ain't really there but don't take it personally or don't think they died, everything is over with them, et cetera. Ni + Ti + Se makes INFJ stay sane in which they can endure hell and get out of hell unharmed.

About what to do: Sometimes not doing anything is the best course of action because all you can do is making the situation worse.

How to handle INFJs' problems. Don't be selfish. INFJs does things for you in the shadows and never lets you know about them so no matter what INFJs always acts according to people they care about but they have to choose for themselves so they choose so of course. Support INFJs, don't disagree with them or they'll leave you. Don't create problems for them because life is problematic enough. Don't expect them to help you out with everything, help yourself. Don't force INFJ to be the leader, be your own leader.

Thank you for your response. I'm not sure if you red my last update from yesterday that I replied to Slant but last monday he broke up with me and he wanted to give a chance to his marriage again. 180 degree turn compared to last sunday. He had a talk with his wife, it was supposed to be about divorce but they became emotional and now he feels he needs to give it a try even if the chances are small. So he needs to stop contact with me. Yesterday we called on my request because I needed to know what the situation is because he talked to his wife last Friday again. Result of that talk was that they remain separated and gonna announce it to the family and at work. They will check on each other from time to time to see what they want. I don't want to repeat what I already wrote to Slant but I have no idea what to expect now. The thing is I miss him terribly and I know he suffers too and can't figure out what to do. Do I need to take this personal as If he doesn't want contact with me now he doesn't mis me and doesn't care enought? To me it feels very strange to love somebody so much and be ok without contact while sorting things out. I have no idea if to wait for him or force myself to move on. Our love is really special, we are soulmates, he never felt like that before but 25 years marriage keeps him very confused. Thank you.

 

[Polly Wes]

It is so hard for an INFJ to let relationships go, they will do anything to keep going. It sounds like he has immense guilt over his marriage and is likely to try anything to make it work. Or even if it isn’t guilt may keep him there or the I should of tried this and that scenarios.

Despite this it’s unlikely his marriage will work out and he may reconnect with you - it will come out of the blue.

In the mean time try to let go and see this as an affirmation of the qualities you want to find in a man.

Please take care of your own health and know you went with your heart - you took the risk for love and you gave your all - you’re one powerful woman.

 

[Janas]

It is so hard for an INFJ to let relationships go, they will do anything to keep going. It sounds like he has immense guilt over his marriage and is likely to try anything to make it work. Or even if it isn’t guilt may keep him there or the I should of tried this and that scenarios.

Despite this it’s unlikely his marriage will work out and he may reconnect with you - it will come out of the blue.

In the mean time try to let go and see this as an affirmation of the qualities you want to find in a man.

Please take care of your own health and know you went with your heart - you took the risk for love and you gave your all - you’re one powerful woman.

Hi Polly thank you very much for your response. Im catching every straw of hope and so. Did you read my initial message that you came to the conclusion that his marriage won't work? The most painful is no contact now. I mis him terribly already.

 

[Polly Wes]

Hi Polly thank you very much for your response. Im catching every straw of hope and so. Did you read my initial message that you came to the conclusion that his marriage won't work? The most painful is no contact now. I mis him terribly already.

It doesn’t mean he has emotionally let it go. He may be assessing it from every angle and assessing his behaviour in it. Likely also he may be grieving the ‘what if’ opportunities.

If he comes back in needs to be in an emotionally balanced way, because you are deserving of his strength also. It shouldn’t be tainted with strings from his marriage.

And if he does come back (which I think he will) it will be a new start for you both. Believe me you have not left his heart - the connection you two have isn’t lost on him, it’s just he can’t navigate the path to it right now.

 

[Janas]

It doesn’t mean he has emotionally let it go. He may be assessing it from every angle and assessing his behaviour in it. Likely also he may be grieving the ‘what if’ opportunities.

If he comes back in needs to be in an emotionally balanced way, because you are deserving of his strength also. It shouldn’t be tainted with strings from his marriage.

And if he does come back (which I think he will) it will be a new start for you both. Believe me you have not left his heart - the connection you two have isn’t lost on him, it’s just he can’t navigate the path to it right now.

Thank you so much. Yes, that is how he described it with the rainy and sunny island as I wrote in my previous post to Slant. Why do you think he will come back? I see you are and INFJ so I guess you can decode his behavior better than me. I'm ENTJ and analyzing this situation to the exhaustion just trying to figure out the outcome.