[INFJ] INFP(F) here in love with an INFJ(M) need your help

[MilaEd]

Hi everyone,
I'm new to this forum but I really need some advice here. I'm an INFP woman, divorced, totally in love with this INFJ guy. I'm a software engineer, and I met him for the first time when he took my interview for my first job. I joined that company and worked there for 2 years. He was a senior developer in my team (not my boss). Although our workstation were next to each other, we barely talked. A total of 100 words must've exchanged between us and all of them were purely work related. He was already married and I got married a few months later to my boyfriend at the time. That turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life as he was quite abusive. He made me quit my job to take care of his family and him. So I had to leave that job and I wasn't working for almost a year. When the physical abuse became unbearable, I escaped from his house with the help of some friends and filed for divorce. I was depressed and totally miserable for a while. But then I decided that I need to get my career back on track.

So started attending interviews again and was selected by a few companies. And one of my friends told me that the INFJ guy is now working in the company where I just attended the interview and she told me contact him to know more about this company and gave me his number. I was hesitant at first because we weren't that close when we were working together. After a lot of internal struggle I decided to send him a message on whatsapp. I wasn't even sure he would respond or even remember my name. But he replied after an hour. I told him about the offer and asked him about the company. The talk was all formal.
Then 3 days later I got the offer letter from the INFJ's company, so I decided to call him to tell this news. He talked so politely and congratulated me. He then started to ask me about my personal life. How have I been? How is my husband and family doing? Only a few people knew about my divorce at the time. So at first I just replied everyone's fine and it's all good. Then he started asking me more about my Ex husband. I panicked and blurted out "I'm sorry...I'm divorced. Everything is not fine actually. I lied." He was quite shocked by that. He then asked me what happened and how I'm coping with all this. When I answered him, my voice was all trembling with emotion (being an INFP). He comforted me with kind words and I was quite taken back by this because I wasn't aware that he was capable of being this way. When I worked with him, I thought he was an insensitive person. I didn't expect this from him and this was the first time we had a proper conversation like this. We didn't say much after that, but the next day I got a message from him saying that he is really sad that all this had happened to me and he is also going through a similar situation. Turns out, he was separated from his wife and it's been more than 2 years now. Not divorced just seperated. They have a kid together. He tried fixing it multiple times, but his wife doesn't want to come back. I don't know the exact reason why. I didn't want to push him. He doesn't open up that much about it. He told me he was thinking of asking for a divorce. I asked him is there any hope for a reconciliation. He told me that he has closed that chapter a while ago.

We started talking to each and we became quite close. I was so happy. I started developing feelings for him within a month. We would talk for hours(on the phone as there no way of meeting him in this pandemic situation) and it felt like heaven. I joined the company he is working in, though we are in different projects. After a month of talking, I decided to tell him about my feelings towards him. When I did, he told me that he was also thinking the same way and he was happy that I told him this. Because he didn't have the courage to tell me. I was so happy that day. But that night he told me we have to take things slow as his circumstances were different than mine. He had a kid to think about you see. I reassured him that there is no need to rush. Then we talked for 2 more weeks and everything was fine. But then he told me that we should go back to being friends. He needs to sort this divorce decision with his family so he asked me for some time. I again reassured him that there is nothing to worry. He can take all the time he need. He in turn told me that he will give me an answer by Jan 2022. Until then we should go back to being friends. I was a little disappointed but it was a reasonable request. So I gave him his space and tried not to call him all the time. Maybe twice a week. Then a few weeks later when I called him, I told him that I really miss him. He said he haven't received any positive response from his family yet. So he told me not to put any effort and energy to this relationship until there is a confirmation. And he also decided that it's better if we stop calling until Jan 2022. He assured me that he still loves me but I have to wait for the decision. It was like being punched in the stomach. But I agreed and stopped calling him. I would send him a text once a week, because I wanna know how he is doing. He would reply politely.

I don't want to push him. I am so in love with him. I never felt like this before. Not even to the guy I married. I miss this INFJ terribly sometimes that it gives me physical pain. We haven't seen each other since I left my first company. I'm hoping to see him in January 2022. But I'm afraid I will be heartbroken by his decision. I know what I'm wishing for here. Which make me even miserable. I don't want to be a homewrecker. But there marriage was already broken before I came into the picture. And he had tried dating other women before me. I don't know what to do here. Should I wait for his decision which would probably give me a heartbreak or should I just move on? I have tried moving on, but I couldn't even talk to another man. I can't stop thinking about this INFJ. I've already been through a lot with my marriage and divorce. I don't think I can handle a heartbreak on top of that. Guys please give me some advice here. Is this an INFJ door slam?

 

[David54]

Hard to tell..welcome by the way..
But..if I was the guy, and loved and cared about you..I'd be with you, however I could be wrong
So I'm afraid this doesn't seen hopeful, but maybe I'm just a terrible person

 

[Korg]

I would move on. Perhaps he'll reach out to you in 2022, but I wouldn't wait.

 

[mintoots]

2022 isn't very far away.

I advise you find your center or your personal stability. You need not move on with others as you are still very clearly in love with him. Find your footing. Calm down.

However if you find yourself out of love for him in that time frame, I doubt you should be at fault either. Just listen to what you feel, respect it, but don't let it control you.

 

[slant]

Should I wait for his decision which would probably give me a heartbreak or should I just move on? I have tried moving on, but I couldn't even talk to another man. I can't stop thinking about this INFJ. I've already been through a lot with my marriage and divorce. I don't think I can handle a heartbreak on top of that. Guys please give me some advice here. Is this an INFJ door slam?

I think we know a lot more than we think we do. In situations where we aren't sure what to do, sometimes we just don't *like* what we think we should do.

Anyway, I wanted to highlight two things you said and ask follow up questions.

Why do you think his answer will bring you heartbreak? It sounds like you think he won't want to be with you, if so, why is that? Are you making assumptions here or is your intuition telling you this based on his behavior? It could be either. Sometimes we have a habit of assuming the worst to prevent ourselves from getting hurt, out of fear based on previous experiences we have had. Other times we want a certain outcome so badly that we ignore warning signs because we don't want to face pain and hurt.

Second thing I highlighted: why do you think you couldn't handle heartbreak? I understand that you don't want it (nobody does) and you already have so much going on emotionally to deal with that is stressful. But think about how you have handled past life events up until now that were stressful. You may be underestimating your resilience here because you are so emotionally exhausted already, but this surely won't break you.

 

[aeon]

I don’t know if this is some kind of a door slam. I have no idea what he is thinking, what his motivations are, or the veracity of what he tells you. But I sure can imagine a lot of different things.

I’m asking you to consider something...that you are, in fact, not in love with this man. Your feelings I do not question. That said, what you have described doesn’t sound like love as much as it sounds like limerence. Perhaps that will change and there will be a degree of engagement with reciprocity. But that is not today.

From having learned the lesson the painful way, I advise you not to wait for this man, nor anyone else, ever. This is not to say to give up, but live your life as if he wasn’t in the picture. January 2022 is not so far away, and perhaps you will have an answer at that time. Until then, dismiss any and all expectations, and don”t allow hope to fuel fantasies of what could be, despite how comforting or pleasurable they may seem, because they come with a cost.

I’m sorry you were abused in your marriage. I’ve been abused, though not by a spouse, so I think I have some idea of what that can do, or does, to a person. Something you said gave me pause...“When the physical abuse became unbearable...” Should I take this to mean some degree of physical abuse is bearable? I’m hoping not, and I understand that extricating yourself from such a situation requires much more than just the decision, and must occur on a schedule that is not wholly your own.

You said you were “depressed and totally miserable for a while.” Understandable, no doubt about that, but I wonder...did you seek and get any kind of therapy or counseling after the dissolution of your marriage? I ask because abuse damages one’s awareness of, and understanding of, boundaries. All successful relationships require functional boundaries, and romantic/sexual ones doubly so. So far, the setting of boundaries has entirely been his choice. After he thought it necessary to reduce engagement, you gave him his space...by calling twice a week? I’m not sure the behavior matches the description given. Maybe your standards are different, but I don’t call any of my friends twice a week, and I’m an extrovert.

That you lied to him is suspect enough, but why did you do it? Are you ashamed or embarrassed about your divorce or the situation that preceded it? Was he shocked by the news or by being lied to? Friendships and relationships are damaged and destroyed by lies. I’m sure you know that, but felt it necessary nonetheless, for whatever reason. I would suggest that as long as that is true, it is questionable whether you are ready to be in a relationship.

He could be of his word. He also could have already made his decision, but neither wants to hurt you, nor endure a discussion that will be unpleasant for all involved. Many people, INFJs and otherwise, avoid confrontation at all costs, and few are graceful about it. That said, I know INFJs can possess and live by a moral code that is, for the most part, inscrutable to others. Which is to say, I don’t know, but you just might. I think it would behoove you to consider all possibilities.

I’m doubtless that you didn’t like some of what I said, much less want to hear it at all. I want you to consider the situation you are in with the widest of eyes. Given you are a software engineer, I’m going to guess your Te is not so inferior. Use it as it applies to your situation, and give Fi some time off, because I don’t think it is helping you right now. It has been said “if passion drives you, let reason be the reigns.”

Because this is the potential beginning of a relationship, and not the end of one, there won’t be any heartbreak in the classic sense of the word. In this instance it will be a self-inflicted wound resulting from unreasonable expectations and their associated disappointments, of imagined promises unkept, of hope dashed on the rocks. You get to decide how grievous that wound might be, and indeed, there need not be one at all. Don’t set yourself up to be hurt by your own choices, because you get all the pain, but with the added bonus of self-loathing.

Respect yourself, get help if you need it, live the next six weeks as if nothing was different, and allow reason to be the basis of your thoughts and actions, not your feelings, valid though they be.

Best to You,
Ian

 

[MilaEd]

Hi Ian,
First of all, I'm really grateful that you guys read it all. I will try to answer all your questions as best as I can.

You said what I'm feeling right now could be limerence rather than love. It might be true. Because who falls in love this quickly right? But the thing is, I do care about him, a lot. I want him to be happy and I genuinely believe that he doesn't deserve what he is going through right now. And I feel like I can take care of him. I try not to think about him all the time. I focus most of my time on my work. But when I'm not doing anything, that's when all the worries and frustrations comes flooding in.

Next, about the abuse part. I can see why you were concerned. I do not think any kind of abuse is okay. Before marriage I used to think that, if someone would try to hurt me, I would stand up for myself and fight back. But when it started happening to me for real, at first I tried to say no and stood up for myself. But that only made him angrier. He started hurting me harder. Then the next time, I didn't fight back. I just waited for it to be over. And he didn't hurt me much that time. That strategy didn't work for long. I guess that's why I used the word 'bearable' there. It's not right. I see that now.

I've started seeing a psychologist now. It has been a huge help. And yes, the INFJ was the one who set all the boundaries, not me. He used to call me 3 times a day before that. Then I reduced it to twice a week. Since we doesn't have an option to meet once in a while, calling and texting is the only way we can keep in touch.

Ok now the part where I lied. I live in South India. Even though most of us are well educated people, its still a conservative country. It's not like the west. So there is still a stigma around divorce. Not all of my family members were supportive of my decision. They say I brought shame to our family. But I know that they are saying this because of their ignorance. So it doesn't bother me much. At the same time, I do not want to publicly announce that I'm divorced either. Because, I wasn't ready to share it. So I kept the news a secret. So only a few of my friends knew about the divorce. When the INFJ guy started asking me about my married life at first I lied to him, telling that everything is fine. I lied to him because at the time we were practically strangers and I didn't think he would care about my personal life. I thought it was just a small talk. But when more questions came, I panicked and told him the truth. I don't know whether this all made sense to you. I'm not ashamed of my decision to get out of that marriage. I'm quite proud of myself for taking that decision and sticking to it.

Even if some of the things that you have said was hard for me to hear, I appreciate your help. It's just that when he came into my life it felt like the universe was making up to me for all the horrible things I have been through. But then he just pushed me away.

But you are right. I should rely more on my Te than Fi right now. I'm not going to hurt myself by getting my hopes up. If it's meant to be, it will be, right? Thanks again for your inputs.