[INFJ] INFP(F) here in love with an INFJ(M) need your help

Hi everyone,
I'm new to this forum but I really need some advice here. I'm an INFP woman, divorced, totally in love with this INFJ guy. I'm a software engineer, and I met him for the first time when he took my interview for my first job. I joined that company and worked there for 2 years. He was a senior developer in my team (not my boss). Although our workstation were next to each other, we barely talked. A total of 100 words must've exchanged between us and all of them were purely work related. He was already married and I got married a few months later to my boyfriend at the time. That turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life as he was quite abusive. He made me quit my job to take care of his family and him. So I had to leave that job and I wasn't working for almost a year. When the physical abuse became unbearable, I escaped from his house with the help of some friends and filed for divorce. I was depressed and totally miserable for a while. But then I decided that I need to get my career back on track.



So started attending interviews again and was selected by a few companies. And one of my friends told me that the INFJ guy is now working in the company where I just attended the interview and she told me contact him to know more about this company and gave me his number. I was hesitant at first because we weren't that close when we were working together. After a lot of internal struggle I decided to send him a message on whatsapp. I wasn't even sure he would respond or even remember my name. But he replied after an hour. I told him about the offer and asked him about the company. The talk was all formal.
Then 3 days later I got the offer letter from the INFJ's company, so I decided to call him to tell this news. He talked so politely and congratulated me. He then started to ask me about my personal life. How have I been? How is my husband and family doing? Only a few people knew about my divorce at the time. So at first I just replied everyone's fine and it's all good. Then he started asking me more about my Ex husband. I panicked and blurted out "I'm sorry...I'm divorced. Everything is not fine actually. I lied." He was quite shocked by that. He then asked me what happened and how I'm coping with all this. When I answered him, my voice was all trembling with emotion (being an INFP). He comforted me with kind words and I was quite taken back by this because I wasn't aware that he was capable of being this way. When I worked with him, I thought he was an insensitive person. I didn't expect this from him and this was the first time we had a proper conversation like this. We didn't say much after that, but the next day I got a message from him saying that he is really sad that all this had happened to me and he is also going through a similar situation. Turns out, he was separated from his wife and it's been more than 2 years now. Not divorced just seperated. They have a kid together. He tried fixing it multiple times, but his wife doesn't want to come back. I don't know the exact reason why. I didn't want to push him. He doesn't open up that much about it. He told me he was thinking of asking for a divorce. I asked him is there any hope for a reconciliation. He told me that he has closed that chapter a while ago.

We started talking to each and we became quite close. I was so happy. I started developing feelings for him within a month. We would talk for hours(on the phone as there no way of meeting him in this pandemic situation) and it felt like heaven. I joined the company he is working in, though we are in different projects. After a month of talking, I decided to tell him about my feelings towards him. When I did, he told me that he was also thinking the same way and he was happy that I told him this. Because he didn't have the courage to tell me. I was so happy that day. But that night he told me we have to take things slow as his circumstances were different than mine. He had a kid to think about you see. I reassured him that there is no need to rush. Then we talked for 2 more weeks and everything was fine. But then he told me that we should go back to being friends. He needs to sort this divorce decision with his family so he asked me for some time. I again reassured him that there is nothing to worry. He can take all the time he need. He in turn told me that he will give me an answer by Jan 2022. Until then we should go back to being friends. I was a little disappointed but it was a reasonable request. So I gave him his space and tried not to call him all the time. Maybe twice a week. Then a few weeks later when I called him, I told him that I really miss him. He said he haven't received any positive response from his family yet. So he told me not to put any effort and energy to this relationship until there is a confirmation. And he also decided that it's better if we stop calling until Jan 2022. He assured me that he still loves me but I have to wait for the decision. It was like being punched in the stomach. But I agreed and stopped calling him. I would send him a text once a week, because I wanna know how he is doing. He would reply politely.

I don't want to push him. I am so in love with him. I never felt like this before. Not even to the guy I married. I miss this INFJ terribly sometimes that it gives me physical pain. We haven't seen each other since I left my first company. I'm hoping to see him in January 2022. But I'm afraid I will be heartbroken by his decision. I know what I'm wishing for here. Which make me even miserable. I don't want to be a homewrecker. But there marriage was already broken before I came into the picture. And he had tried dating other women before me. I don't know what to do here. Should I wait for his decision which would probably give me a heartbreak or should I just move on? I have tried moving on, but I couldn't even talk to another man. I can't stop thinking about this INFJ. I've already been through a lot with my marriage and divorce. I don't think I can handle a heartbreak on top of that. Guys please give me some advice here. Is this an INFJ door slam?

 

Hi Ian,
First of all, I'm really grateful that you guys read it all. I will try to answer all your questions as best as I can.

You said what I'm feeling right now could be limerence rather than love. It might be true. Because who falls in love this quickly right? But the thing is, I do care about him, a lot. I want him to be happy and I genuinely believe that he doesn't deserve what he is going through right now. And I feel like I can take care of him. I try not to think about him all the time. I focus most of my time on my work. But when I'm not doing anything, that's when all the worries and frustrations comes flooding in.

Next, about the abuse part. I can see why you were concerned. I do not think any kind of abuse is okay. Before marriage I used to think that, if someone would try to hurt me, I would stand up for myself and fight back. But when it started happening to me for real, at first I tried to say no and stood up for myself. But that only made him angrier. He started hurting me harder. Then the next time, I didn't fight back. I just waited for it to be over. And he didn't hurt me much that time. That strategy didn't work for long. I guess that's why I used the word 'bearable' there. It's not right. I see that now.

I've started seeing a psychologist now. It has been a huge help. And yes, the INFJ was the one who set all the boundaries, not me. He used to call me 3 times a day before that. Then I reduced it to twice a week. Since we doesn't have an option to meet once in a while, calling and texting is the only way we can keep in touch.

Ok now the part where I lied. I live in South India. Even though most of us are well educated people, its still a conservative country. It's not like the west. So there is still a stigma around divorce. Not all of my family members were supportive of my decision. They say I brought shame to our family. But I know that they are saying this because of their ignorance. So it doesn't bother me much. At the same time, I do not want to publicly announce that I'm divorced either. Because, I wasn't ready to share it. So I kept the news a secret. So only a few of my friends knew about the divorce. When the INFJ guy started asking me about my married life at first I lied to him, telling that everything is fine. I lied to him because at the time we were practically strangers and I didn't think he would care about my personal life. I thought it was just a small talk. But when more questions came, I panicked and told him the truth. I don't know whether this all made sense to you. I'm not ashamed of my decision to get out of that marriage. I'm quite proud of myself for taking that decision and sticking to it.

Even if some of the things that you have said was hard for me to hear, I appreciate your help. It's just that when he came into my life it felt like the universe was making up to me for all the horrible things I have been through. But then he just pushed me away.

But you are right. I should rely more on my Te than Fi right now. I'm not going to hurt myself by getting my hopes up. If it's meant to be, it will be, right? Thanks again for your inputs.