Valuing Friendship So Much More Than Others | INFJ Forum

Valuing Friendship So Much More Than Others

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by DeadlyPacifist, Sep 24, 2009.

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  1. DeadlyPacifist

    DeadlyPacifist Regular Poster

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    The most important thing to me is my relationship with other human beings. Screw money, screw "success." I feel like a lot of people around me are so self centered and focused on their own goals and stuff, and relationships with others seem so trivial in the scheme of their goals...and it really makes me sad. I'd be willing to put so much into a friendship to make it work...I try to focus on myself more, because I don't want to be disappointed by my friends and be in a mess if they hurt me, but that holds me back from truly being myself, and I feel like I'm doing something that's not "me." For example, I'd be willing to get a job that was flexible with a close friend's schedule if they needed me for something, and it means nothing to them and they just blow me off. Also even if a lot of people are in clubs or sports or w/e, they aren't really..friends o_O they're just buddies because of that common interest, and basically only do stuff surrounding it...but others are so important to me. Perhaps this is just my/the INFJ complex? :\ It makes it so hard. When others just seem nonchalant about moving, or something. I also can't stand goodbyes...but yeah, at school, especially in AP classes, people are so career oriented. O_O This one guy doesn't seem to even want friends...perhaps he likes being a loner? I don't understand it..I want to be his friend...but he just doesn't seem to care..

    Does anyone know what I'm talking about?
     
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    #1 DeadlyPacifist, Sep 24, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2009
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  2. Azure_Knight

    Azure_Knight Community Member

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    You could try getting into similar activities that others are doing (that you want to be friends with). Even if you don't become friends right away, it will allow you to meet more people.

    I do know what you are talking about though: in college there was someone that I really wanted to get to know. Unfortunately, I was so busy with my career path that I never did go and hang out. I regret that I did not take the chance, but it just ended up that way.

    Maybe you can go directly to that person and try to be friends? Try finding out what they like besides their career: you may have something in common.
     
  3. IndigoSensor

    IndigoSensor Product Obtained
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    I know exactly how you feel, and am the same way. Particular with the AP class thing. I was always the odd one out in highschool because I was pretty much the only person who wanted to learn, just for the sake of learning, and that I cared to be true friends with people, not just knowing them in passing. Don't get me wrong, I am very career oriented (I WILL get my p.H.d in organic chemistry, even if it kills me!), but at the same time personal relationships are so important to me. I hate feeling like I am just a forced aquantiance with someone. It's fake and unconfortable. Again this is at odds with my career path and choice, but I intend to subvert all of this and be personable witj everyone.
     
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  4. Wyote

    Wyote Xenoi
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    Good God yes. I teeter between annoyingly friendly and awkwardly cold.

    I want to be everyone's friend, but often run into barriers. Some from my own struggles but most from other people's.

    I absolutely love learning and experiencing new things, but I value connection to others above all else.
     
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  5. Puck

    Puck Perilous Pixie
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    Agree with all the above sentiments. It's something of a cosmic joke I think - purpose built for friendship and destined to aloneness. I have to smile. It gets me through. :)
     
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  6. ceri

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    I've had the same viewpoint for a long time. Good, close friends > everything else
     
  7. Julia

    Julia Community Member

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    At least one trustworthy friend is pretty much a need for me. I've lived with and without this. I have one good buddy at home with whom I can share my personal vulnerabilities and faults, but who loves the imperfect, unguarded me. External things like money or success are meaningless to me except as a means to an end of making life more secure and helping those I love reach their potential.
     
    #7 Julia, Sep 25, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2009
  8. soulseeker

    soulseeker Permanent Fixture

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    yeah....... :mcute:ALWAYS
    i notice that most of the people around me are VERY VERY self centered and build relationships for their own personal gains, or they use the person for popularity, revenge, etc....

    I notice that most of my friends' friendships are not on the level i can call friendship. there's nothing that much deep about it. of course there's support and all but it's not that full force friendship
    i am also very willing to give everything i can give for true friendship BUT......
    nobody even cares about building deep friendships nowadays....

    so i guess it leaves me depressed, disappointed, hopeless,:m068: and very very very sad
     
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  9. the

    the Si master race.
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    What do INFJs mean when they use the term "full force friendship" and "True friendship"?
     
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  10. soulseeker

    soulseeker Permanent Fixture

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    hahahahaha... do others use "full force friendship"!?!? ahahhaa i think it's kind of like my :m024:gay lingo... ahahahha but what i mean by full force friendship is...i don't know!!!! hahahaha it's hard to explain...:m100:. cuz for me, i give everything to my friends.. i don't expect much in return but then i don't really get ANYTHING in return.. i give everything i have!!!!!!!!!! and i'm left alone, hurt, they also leave me and i don't know what else.......so full force for me means like... someone who will equally give what i give (i don't mean material things).. someone who i feel really cares for me.. ahahha

    sorry i can't explain what i said.. i can NEVER EXPLAIN... i can just feel these things
     
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  11. Puck

    Puck Perilous Pixie
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    For me it means those rare friendships that are balanced. The ones where the other person reciprocates the acts of kindness, generosity and love that I give to them. the ones that listen as much as they like to be listened to. The ones who send Birthday cards or write back when I've written to them.

    There are plenty of people who enjoy taking advantage of my friendship, but I wouldn't call them friends at all, althought they might think of it as a friendship. A true friend for me is one who shares in the friendship rather than just takes from it.
     
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    #11 Puck, Sep 25, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2009
  12. Wyote

    Wyote Xenoi
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    Funny thing is I knew exactly what that meant. It's like that saying, there are friends who will lie for you about the dead body and there are friends who will help dig the hole. Digging the hole is full force.
     
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  13. the

    the Si master race.
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    Would you violate your values for a full force friendship?
     
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  14. Lucifer

    Lucifer Registered User #666

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    Basically full force friendship means you love your friend so much you'll get screwed over for them.

    I know of this type of friendship.
     
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  15. Wyote

    Wyote Xenoi
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    Nope. That's a friendship based around abuse. Not a real friendship.
     
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  16. Beneath the surface

    Beneath the surface Regular Poster

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    I kind of understand what you're saying, but it's at times like this that I question my INFJ-ness. I try to be as unselfish and respectful to my friends in the same way that I try to be to other people, but most of my friendships with people lack depth. I might be tiny bit more open to them than I am with others, but to be honest, they probably know only a little more about me than my acquaintances do, whereas I probably know nearly all there is to know about them. That might suggest some lack of effort on my part, but for some reason, I have become really detached from people, even my friends. A part of me does really want to have deep, meaningful friendships, but then I sort of think that many people do not share the same desire, which is fine with me. It would be nice to have that 'full force friendship', but I can understand why other people may not have such a strong feeling about friendship and it doesn't really affect me emotionally. A true friendship is what I want, but it doesn't depress me that I don't have one.
     
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  17. OP
    DeadlyPacifist

    DeadlyPacifist Regular Poster

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    Ugh but it makes me so sad when some people I want to be friends with don't care for working towards a friendship.

    The thing is, you can't just "find" a friendship..the other person has to actually have a desire for a friendship too. I don't care for shallow friendships. I don't care for having a huge network of acquaintainces. I like to have time alone to do stuff I'm interested in doing and 'recharging,' but I'd like to to have a close friend who I typically talk to every day, and see at least once a week outside of say...school. It's just that I have a bad feeling that some people may feel like that this kind of closeness with another human being is completely unnecessary and a waste of time, and not something that will be a profit or an advancement on their goals...there are also others who don't want any friends at all, and have decided that a spouse is the only kind of person who will deserve some of their free time =_= Which I think is ridiculous because you don't exactly go from stranger to gf/bf...so you'd have to actually get to know other people..
     
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  18. the

    the Si master race.
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    Actually a lot of people do and that is how they operate. Unless you count the few hours of small talk as the friendship phase.
     
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  19. OP
    DeadlyPacifist

    DeadlyPacifist Regular Poster

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    Ah..well I don't agree with that heh. Nothing good has come out of rushing, in all of my experiences. Even if my hormones are raging and I just want to grab and kiss him, I restrain myself...because I want a long, lasting relationship. Now, I know some people who do what you describe and end up in a long, successful, relationship, and that's great. But for me, I prefer to take it slow. I'm not interested in short flings either...only meaningful relationships, and I just let myself draw it out and eventually the infatuation feelings tone out, and I'm able to befriend them, and then whatever happens happens.
     
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  20. midnightmelody

    midnightmelody nagging for truth

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    I'm just going to post a big fat

    "agree."

    I usually don't feel like my friends and I connect.

    I admit, I'm taking higher level courses to boost my GPA, but I really could care less about careers. My mother tells me I should be a little more money focused, but it's just not in me.
     
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