trying to fit in and be accepted | INFJ Forum

trying to fit in and be accepted

Discussion in 'Psychology and MBTI' started by Morgain, Feb 1, 2010.

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  1. Morgain

    Morgain defective wisdom
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    I was wondering, how hard do you try to fit in, be accepted by a person or a group of people?

    How much of your time do you spend on it?

    Does it influences all your actions according to people or do you do it only in special occasions?

    And what do you do to be accepted: being funny, smart, caring, adopting to the group, ...?

    I'm really curious :D
     
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  2. NeverAmI

    NeverAmI Satisclassifaction
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    I was quite interested in this, I think because I was afraid to be myself without thought of what others think. There may be a link between social anxiety and the constant pondering of what others think and how you can fit in.

    I personally had to stop myself from trying to fit in, or from wondering what others thought of me, before I was content to simply exist although I wouldn't necessarily say that I am content simply to exist. If you are a square peg trying to fit into a circular hole, ask yourself why you are trying to fit yourself into a circular hole in the first place.
     
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  3. randomsomeone

    randomsomeone Well-known member

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    I don't spend much tiime fitting in these days, but I have in the past. For now I generally only frequent places where I do fit in...that works out fine.

    In other situations I used to try to be more part of the group...this was mostly in local car clubs, church groups, work and such. In the end the same social dynamics always seemed to reassert themselves, both with me and with others. Eventually I tired of trying to overcome all this and stopped any extraordinary efforts to fit in.

    I find people like me well enough once they get to know me.....that takes time and, because of this, it usually happens at places I frequent often. I don't have to try there....I just fit in.

    That said, I have to admit that I never fit in completely...not really. I just don't expect it to be otherwise and I just fit in fine as I am able.
     
  4. bamf

    bamf Is Watching You
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    I don't spend much time trying to fit in. I can normally 'shape-shift' to fit a situation without much thought. If there's a group I don't fit in with, I normally let them be. That is unless they're doing something I find offensive/wrong/disrespectful...in such a case I try to rock their boat just enough to destabilize them.
     
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  5. INFJesus

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    I will reveal just enough of my cool self that people ask me into the group.
    Then I reject them time and time again.. evntually they give up.
    Meanwhile, I mope around at home wondering why I have no friends
     
  6. Solongo

    Solongo Well-known member

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    I do not try or force to fit in any group. The groups I made an attempt to be part of just happened naturally and I was accepted as myself. But I always observe the group and people first. If I am in a situation where I have to be part of a group due to projects and such then I will just work on being an easy and open person to befriend. This aspect reveals nothing of who I am so I am able to adjust and blend in with anyone.

    The only thing I change about my behavior when meeting new people or group is their vibe, energy level and what it can possible do for me as a benefit. Otherwise, I am forever an individual.
     
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  7. WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    gave up a long time ago.

    makes me miserable.
     
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  8. Reon

    Reon Midnight's Garden

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    I used to spend time trying to fit in, now I just spend time trying to find a group of people who have similar interests and hang out with them.
     
  9. OP
    Morgain

    Morgain defective wisdom
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    I have been like that whole my life! Would you say you thought of what others think of you all day every day? Did you do things only because you believed they would like it and whould accept you? (I'm asking from my own experiences!)

    How did you stop yourself from trying to fit in? Did you stop doing things because you believed people would like you more because of it? And how do you know where to put the line? I don't know where to put the line. When am I doing something because I like the person and when do I do something to be accepted. A lot of times when people ask me to do something for them I'm undecided because I really don't know if I should do it, whether it is healty if I would do it... if you know what I mean
     
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  10. J. Cardigan

    J. Cardigan Community Member

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    Even in places where I "fit in", I've always felt like I was somehow separate from the rest of the group. I guess some examples would be my old youth group (when I actually went to church, although not for spiritual reasons) and my last place of work.

    At youth group, I was usually the vocal one or the one getting into "trouble", if you could call it that. Pretty much everyone liked me and I know I set the standard for the younger kids, which is probably not a good thing. As much as I was a part of the group, I felt like like an individual who was looked to as a separate entity by the rest of them. This is all through rose-tinted glasses, so I could be embellishing somewhat.

    At work, I was the quirky, weird, outgoing one that was actually good at dealing with clients. That's not to say that no one else I worked with was good at dealing with people, but I usually held conversation with them while they were waiting on something, and my boss called me out on flirting with the girls more than once. Despite being on good terms with most of the people there and being knowledgeable about what we did, I have different interests from many of them and I never managed to "click" with a lot of them. This might just have to do with them (/us) being a bunch of introverted computer geeks, though.

    I've never made a huge effort to fit in. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, then I'm okay with that, too. It certainly makes things more enjoyable, but forcing acceptance where there isn't any just creates stress for me.
     
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  11. randomsomeone

    randomsomeone Well-known member

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    I had a series of circumstances transpire many years ago (25 in fact) in which I was given an entirely new construct for defining myself and my place in this world. It happened by accident. I had been trying hard to fit into groups, and always found myself searching for something workable. In the end, I would up switching tracks completely. Now I do not define myself solely (or at all) by what goes on around me.....I see myself as simply a traveller in a strange land. I can respond, yes, and interact...but my standard of measure is totally different from others and I know it.
     
  12. OP
    Morgain

    Morgain defective wisdom
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    I have found that no matter how similar my interests are with a group, I never fit in. Not when I try to be myself, not when I take over the vibe of the group. At the other hand, I dislike to blend in with a group. I always want to follow my own believes and thoughts. I would never take that over from others and I would never just act like I'm this while I'm not. That would be a lie :D.

    So I guess being an individual is my basic state and that will never change.

    Has anyone encountered that trying to fit in actually worked? Or is it rather "the harder you try, the less you fit in?"
     
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  13. OP
    Morgain

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    thats exactly what I was trying to say :D

    interesting! I'm on my way to change my standards. And I've found out that people except me more when I try less :D
     
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    #13 Morgain, Feb 1, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2010
  14. Beneath the surface

    Beneath the surface Regular Poster

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    I adapt myself to be a more polite person because I am so naturally unsociable that people would think I am rude otherwise. Apart from that, I don't make any deliberate attempt to fit in- I am who I am. I know I can change that, but doing so would create stress and a sense of 'not being true' to myself, so it would not be in my interests to do so. Besides, I have no incentive or purpose for it. If I desperately wanted friendship and to be part of a group/to be accepted, then I would probably make more of an attempt to be more friendly, more sociable- but I don't.
     
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  15. randomsomeone

    randomsomeone Well-known member

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    That sounds right!!!! :)
     
  16. Grasshopper

    Grasshopper Community Member

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    I used to worry about fitting in. I couldn't understand why i was different, that was until I met Ria. I finally met someone like me, and I realized that my differences aren't necessarily a bad thing. We are just different. We fit into a different niche than our more popular counterparts. At the same time I don't conform to not conform, I just be myself, and I appreciate all types of people.
     
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  17. OP
    Morgain

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    any sugestions on how to stop thinking "what do they think about me" 24/7?? :D
     
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  18. Grasshopper

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    Well I think everyone struggles with this one. I have been putting a lot of effort into self improvement over the last year and a half and I can tell you this...

    When you are thinking about what someone is thinking about you, just flip the situation around, if you were them would you be thinking negative things about you? More often than not we are worrying about ourselves, not other people. We all have similar insecurities. So if someone does something embarrassing I make a point to act like I didn't notice it, because I know if I were in their shoes that I would be feeling embarrassed. It was difficult to swallow but I had to realize that I usually think that people are judging me, because I am judging them. I am not sure this is always true, but it definately is a valid point. I expect people are thinking like I think. Anyway, I know it's cliche, but how important is it what other people think of you? As long as you feel good about yourself. From what I have seen from you on the forum, I think you are a great person, I enjoy having you here on the forum. I think you just fit into a different niche, and should appreciate your differences as positives.
     
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  19. Barnabas

    Barnabas Time Lord

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    One day in middle school, I tried to fit in, and asked a kid how I could do that, he told me that I didn't have a cool name, and he listed several cool names, I told him that my first name(went by colby in middle school) was on that list, He said that doesn't count.

    I've stopped sense then, turns out fitting in, not actually necassary.
     
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  20. Top cat

    Top cat Permanent Fixture

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    I don't think to try to fit in at all (sometimes to my disadvantage :md: )

    The only thing I do are
    "say hello"
    and say "how are you"
    XD That's mostly it.
    I don't really like to do them unless I mean it but I do it anyway just in case.



    I've been noticing if I am put into a situation where I am going to be 'acting like something else,' I will do all I can to put an end to it before it happens.
     
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