Today I Lived

midnightmelody

midnightmelody

nagging for truth
MBTI
infj
Today I was in an absurdly good mood. I felt carefree. Something about my dynamic completely changed. I wasn't a full-on Se...I didn't live completely in the present. I was still pensive. But I felt somewhat less bonded by something I haven't even approached yet.

I have said before that I am quite moody. Not much I can do about it.
It just happens.

Not bad moody, though. They do influence me heavily, though. They
do not necessarily influence my decisions, and I do not mean
emotional as in a stuttering, crying mess.

Today was special, though. I was less affected by some cloud over my head. Everything was just special, and yet nothing mattered. Rarely do I feel this unhibited. This may seem pessimistic, but I was well aware it would be short-lived (Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz, no?) The way my emotions took me...it was like a high. They really have that kind of effect on me. I just have to wait for them to pass. They are like weather. They are like drugs.

In short...I did something spectacular today. I am haunted by many phantoms in my life. I can't really help it. I'm not speaking literally, though. I just can't let some things go. I live so much in my head, that I forget closing a deal sometimes involves interaction. Sometimes you have to literally close a coffin to figuratively do so. It's archetypal in a way.

Today I told someone how I felt. It was raw and pure. The reaction was realistic, possibily even a little unfavorable. But I felt released. The phantom has left. I honestly thank whatever caused me to be in this state. I couldn't have done it any other mood. Behold, the perfect storm.

edit: I probably can help it, but only with patience. I can't "force" it. I like that word better.
 
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How beautiful...

Thanks for not being afraid to share such an abstract, deep feeling. I understand almost exactly what you just described. I feel like I am so often living in my head too, it has a lot to do with my intuitiveness. Rather than just living and just acting, my head seems to always dictate what I should do and how to see things.

So in that way, I refrain myself from being my "rawest", purest self. Sometimes I wish I could just forget that shroud that keeps me from being who I am completely. May be it's our gain and our loss? While being prudent and well-decisive in our lives, we often prevent our feet from moving in the most natural way.

Congratulations on just following yourself today. Especially with emotions of the heart, I find myself hindering myself from following what I want. My mind seems to dictate what I do because what it decides on in the end is always the safer route. So recently I've been wondering myself---should I just listen to my head all the time? Am I too afraid to follow my feelings in fear of being hurt? By acting "safe" all the time, am I denying myself something I really want

I realize this is something I need to change, or else it can really dictate my life. Although in most areas I feel balanced and confident, in love I lose it. I just have to wonder how you did it...
 
Update:

If any administrators feel this is better suited for the Member Blogs sub-forum, I have no qualms if you decide to move it. It was not my original intent to start a blog about myself. I just wanted to share a deeply meaningful experience with people who will understand it.

Introverted iNtuition is a personality function that constantly gathers information, and sees everything from many different perspectives. As the dominant player in a personality, it has the effect of constantly bombarding the psyche with new information to consider. Introverted iNtuition is sort of like a framework for understanding that exists in the mind. As something is perceived, it is melded into the existing intuitive framework. If an entirely new piece of information is perceived by the Introverted iNtuitive, that person must redefine their entire framework of reference. So, Introverted iNtuitives are constantly taking in information about the world that needs to be processed in a relatively lengthy manner in order to be understood. That presents quite a challenge to the INFJ. It's not unusual for an INFJ to feel overwhelmed with all of the things that he or she needs to consider in order to fully understand an idea or situation.
Click to expand...


I feel like I have come into myself. I have recieved my blessing. I finally understand the "mystical" experiences people here are talking about. My phantoms and fogginess have been dispelled. It is clarity defined.

[YOUTUBE]VrpGhEVyrk0[/YOUTUBE]

Everything, everything, everything, everything..
In its right place
In its right place
In its right place
In its right place

Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon
Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon
Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon
Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon

Everything, everything, everything..
In its right place
In its right place
In its right place
Right place

There are two colours in my head
There are two colours in my head
What, what is that you try to say?
What, what was that you tried to say?
Tried to say.. tried to say..
Tried to say.. tried to say.. tried to say...

Everything, everything, everything..
Everything in its right place
 
yepunsarang said:
How beautiful...

Thanks for not being afraid to share such an abstract, deep feeling. I understand almost exactly what you just described. I feel like I am so often living in my head too, it has a lot to do with my intuitiveness. Rather than just living and just acting, my head seems to always dictate what I should do and how to see things.

So in that way, I refrain myself from being my "rawest", purest self. Sometimes I wish I could just forget that shroud that keeps me from being who I am completely. May be it's our gain and our loss? While being prudent and well-decisive in our lives, we often prevent our feet from moving in the most natural way.

Congratulations on just following yourself today. Especially with emotions of the heart, I find myself hindering myself from following what I want. My mind seems to dictate what I do because what it decides on in the end is always the safer route. So recently I've been wondering myself---should I just listen to my head all the time? Am I too afraid to follow my feelings in fear of being hurt? By acting "safe" all the time, am I denying myself something I really want

I realize this is something I need to change, or else it can really dictate my life. Although in most areas I feel balanced and confident, in love I lose it. I just have to wonder how you did it...
Click to expand...

I am encouraged by your words. I am glad to find myself in an environment in which I can express such thoughts and have them understood. I am having cake and eating it, too!

Thank you for listening. Truly.
 
:) Cake is fabulous, especially after savoring a particularly memorable day. I am thinking this day will help you move forward...a step toward developing yourself in an even better way! How great~ May be I will have one of these days to help me forward too...

I'm so happy you feel comfortable expressing these feelings. It's truly remarkable being able to express your feelings in a place where so may people can understand, huh? It's a blessing that this world holds more than one person with such deepness.

I can only listen intently when I hear something meaningful. Thanks for making me think more about what's been holding me back recently...maybe there just isn't enough time to be worried about our natural tendencies. Maybe we just have to live.
 
I am SO happy for you. I can't even begin to explain. This is a major peice of the puzzle with myself that I need to begin to work on. I just began, but I don't know if I truly have. I need to enter this kind of freedom state that you entered.

It as if by magic, your brain will prepare you for the right moment, and in that right moment you will just know. You will just know what to do, what to say, and how to feel. It is very much like this high. You are still aware of it all, but all fear and inhabitions just leave you, and you flow with the world around you. I am so glad you were able to get to this. Never forget this, this will be something that will become so useful for you in life. It is so elusive and it is so hard for nearly anyone to find this state of mind that is so reparaitive. Keep going, you are miles ahead of everyone else around you, so many miles.
 
yepunsarang said:
:) Cake is fabulous, especially after savoring a particularly memorable day. I am thinking this day will help you move forward...a step toward developing yourself in an even better way! How great~ May be I will have one of these days to help me forward too...

I'm so happy you feel comfortable expressing these feelings. It's truly remarkable being able to express your feelings in a place where so may people can understand, huh? It's a blessing that this world holds more than one person with such deepness.

I can only listen intently when I hear something meaningful. Thanks for making me think more about what's been holding me back recently...maybe there just isn't enough time to be worried about our natural tendencies. Maybe we just have to live.
Click to expand...

Yes. I want to share this. I want everyone to know that patience is so important. I am glad that I had just enough patience to reach this state. It is beyond words. Clarity.


IndigoSensor said:
I am SO happy for you. I can't even begin to explain. This is a major peice of the puzzle with myself that I need to begin to work on. I just began, but I don't know if I truly have. I need to enter this kind of freedom state that you entered.

It as if by magic, your brain will prepare you for the right moment, and in that right moment you will just know. You will just know what to do, what to say, and how to feel. It is very much like this high. You are still aware of it all, but all fear and inhabitions just leave you, and you flow with the world around you. I am so glad you were able to get to this. Never forget this, this will be something that will become so useful for you in life. It is so elusive and it is so hard for nearly anyone to find this state of mind that is so reparaitive. Keep going, you are miles ahead of everyone else around you, so many miles.
Click to expand...

This means so much coming from you, Indigo. I honestly can't believe it.

Everthing is just clear. My brain did prepare for the right moment. Everything was laid out perfectly for me, and I feel so blessed.

All I can tell you now is that you must have patience. It is very frustrating, dark, confusing, stressful, and foggy on the path. I am in no way claiming that my journey is done, but for now, I have reached a pivotal point.

Patience patience patience. Everything will be worked out. Do not wait until you are dead to experience the light.

In a moment of insecurity I feel inclined to say that I don't mean to brag or come across as some sort of freak...I don't think I know everything. I know I don't know everything. I just wanted to share this with you guys, because you will understand. I love you all.
 
Ah man, I love days like this. It usually comes on the heels of several consecutive social successes combined with loss of uncertainty in an area of my life.
 
What a wonderful description. I'm sure it lifted me a bit too. Thanks for sharing it.

The other reason I'm writing here, Midnight, is that my parents have your avatar hanging on their bedroom wall. Or if not, it's definitely the same artist. :)
 
Zero Angel said:
Ah man, I love days like this. It usually comes on the heels of several consecutive social successes combined with loss of uncertainty in an area of my life.
Click to expand...

Yes, that sounds about right. Somehow, be denying a belief, I have come into it even stronger. I was hoping this would happen. I worried that it didn't, but I am immensly glad to know that it has.

flux said:
What a wonderful description. I'm sure it lifted me a bit too. Thanks for sharing it.

The other reason I'm writing here, Midnight, is that my parents have your avatar hanging on their bedroom wall. Or if not, it's definitely the same artist. :)
Click to expand...

Of course.

Interesting! I just remembered it the other day.
 
I just checked. It's not that exact painting, but one in the series.
 
There is a series? How nice. Do you know the artist?
 
I'm glad you shared this. Moments like this are worth remembering!
 
midnightmelody said:
Today I was in an absurdly good mood. I felt carefree. Something about my dynamic completely changed. I wasn't a full-on Se...I didn't live completely in the present. I was still pensive. But I felt somewhat less bonded by something I haven't even approached yet.

I have said before that I am quite moody. Not much I can do about it.
It just happens.

Not bad moody, though. They do influence me heavily, though. They
do not necessarily influence my decisions, and I do not mean
emotional as in a stuttering, crying mess.

Today was special, though. I was less affected by some cloud over my head. Everything was just special, and yet nothing mattered. Rarely do I feel this unhibited. This may seem pessimistic, but I was well aware it would be short-lived (Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz, no?) The way my emotions took me...it was like a high. They really have that kind of effect on me. I just have to wait for them to pass. They are like weather. They are like drugs.

In short...I did something spectacular today. I am haunted by many phantoms in my life. I can't really help it. I'm not speaking literally, though. I just can't let some things go. I live so much in my head, that I forget closing a deal sometimes involves interaction. Sometimes you have to literally close a coffin to figuratively do so. It's archetypal in a way.

Today I told someone how I felt. It was raw and pure. The reaction was realistic, possibily even a little unfavorable. But I felt released. The phantom has left. I honestly thank whatever caused me to be in this state. I couldn't have done it any other mood. Behold, the perfect storm.

edit: I probably can help it, but only with patience. I can't "force" it. I like that word better.
Click to expand...

!!!
 
Random confession...I don't want to turn this into a blog but I despise making a new thread for every little thing.


I sort of put on an intellectual front. Actually not a front. More of a filter (I know, probably a lot of you are thinking I don't even seem all that intellectual. But still...)
Which is bad of me. I like honesty and genuine people, but at the same time, I feel the need to rationalize everything I do.

I'm a feeler yes, but a big big part of me wants to be a thinker (hence F and T battles within self, oy vei). So I sort of filter my things to sound more intellectual, but right now, what I am typing is really what my mind sounds like.

Sometimes I get overly-intellectual to satisfy the rational, thinker me, but it makes the slightly more feeler, natural me, very upset. I guess, again, it is about balance.

Not sure if any of this is making sense. Basically I have lots of internal conflict, and a lot of the time one of my sides wins at the expense of the other. There, that helps a smidgen...

Phew.

:mpff:
 
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