Today I Lived

Today I was in an absurdly good mood. I felt carefree. Something about my dynamic completely changed. I wasn't a full-on Se...I didn't live completely in the present. I was still pensive. But I felt somewhat less bonded by something I haven't even approached yet.

I have said before that I am quite moody. Not much I can do about it.
It just happens.

Not bad moody, though. They do influence me heavily, though. They
do not necessarily influence my decisions, and I do not mean
emotional as in a stuttering, crying mess.



Today was special, though. I was less affected by some cloud over my head. Everything was just special, and yet nothing mattered. Rarely do I feel this unhibited. This may seem pessimistic, but I was well aware it would be short-lived (Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz, no?) The way my emotions took me...it was like a high. They really have that kind of effect on me. I just have to wait for them to pass. They are like weather. They are like drugs.

In short...I did something spectacular today. I am haunted by many phantoms in my life. I can't really help it. I'm not speaking literally, though. I just can't let some things go. I live so much in my head, that I forget closing a deal sometimes involves interaction. Sometimes you have to literally close a coffin to figuratively do so. It's archetypal in a way.

Today I told someone how I felt. It was raw and pure. The reaction was realistic, possibily even a little unfavorable. But I felt released. The phantom has left. I honestly thank whatever caused me to be in this state. I couldn't have done it any other mood. Behold, the perfect storm.

edit: I probably can help it, but only with patience. I can't "force" it. I like that word better.

 

Update:

If any administrators feel this is better suited for the Member Blogs sub-forum, I have no qualms if you decide to move it. It was not my original intent to start a blog about myself. I just wanted to share a deeply meaningful experience with people who will understand it.

I feel like I have come into myself. I have recieved my blessing. I finally understand the "mystical" experiences people here are talking about. My phantoms and fogginess have been dispelled. It is clarity defined.

[YOUTUBE]VrpGhEVyrk0[/YOUTUBE]

Everything, everything, everything, everything..
In its right place
In its right place
In its right place
In its right place

Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon
Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon
Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon
Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon

Everything, everything, everything..
In its right place
In its right place
In its right place
Right place

There are two colours in my head
There are two colours in my head
What, what is that you try to say?
What, what was that you tried to say?
Tried to say.. tried to say..
Tried to say.. tried to say.. tried to say...

Everything, everything, everything..
Everything in its right place

 

I am encouraged by your words. I am glad to find myself in an environment in which I can express such thoughts and have them understood. I am having cake and eating it, too!

Thank you for listening. Truly.

 

Yes. I want to share this. I want everyone to know that patience is so important. I am glad that I had just enough patience to reach this state. It is beyond words. Clarity.

This means so much coming from you, Indigo. I honestly can't believe it.

Everthing is just clear. My brain did prepare for the right moment. Everything was laid out perfectly for me, and I feel so blessed.

All I can tell you now is that you must have patience. It is very frustrating, dark, confusing, stressful, and foggy on the path. I am in no way claiming that my journey is done, but for now, I have reached a pivotal point.

Patience patience patience. Everything will be worked out. Do not wait until you are dead to experience the light.

In a moment of insecurity I feel inclined to say that I don't mean to brag or come across as some sort of freak...I don't think I know everything. I know I don't know everything. I just wanted to share this with you guys, because you will understand. I love you all.

 

Yes, that sounds about right. Somehow, be denying a belief, I have come into it even stronger. I was hoping this would happen. I worried that it didn't, but I am immensly glad to know that it has.

Of course.

Interesting! I just remembered it the other day.

 

There is a series? How nice. Do you know the artist?

 

Random confession...I don't want to turn this into a blog but I despise making a new thread for every little thing.


I sort of put on an intellectual front. Actually not a front. More of a filter (I know, probably a lot of you are thinking I don't even seem all that intellectual. But still...)
Which is bad of me. I like honesty and genuine people, but at the same time, I feel the need to rationalize everything I do.

I'm a feeler yes, but a big big part of me wants to be a thinker (hence F and T battles within self, oy vei). So I sort of filter my things to sound more intellectual, but right now, what I am typing is really what my mind sounds like.

Sometimes I get overly-intellectual to satisfy the rational, thinker me, but it makes the slightly more feeler, natural me, very upset. I guess, again, it is about balance.

Not sure if any of this is making sense. Basically I have lots of internal conflict, and a lot of the time one of my sides wins at the expense of the other. There, that helps a smidgen...

Phew.