The introvert and guests
- Thread starter acd
- Start date
I believe you said you talked to him about it, perhaps you can come to some sort of compromise... allow him over every other week and maybe your bf can help clean up/play host (if necessary). One of my friends used to have set hours we (friends) could stop by, and I really didn't mind - Guess I just respect/understand the need for privacy/solitude (especially when a gf is living there).
when my partner has a friend over (which is not often unless there's a hockey game on) i just leave them in the mancave with snacks and go off and do my own thing. the man cave is a large tv room in the basement, which is a 'daylight' basement with it's own entry/exit, so they don't even have to come through the main part of the house.
it bothers me a lot to have people in my house. it is a very personal place for me. outdoors is fine, i have a great enclosed patio with furniture and stuff.
it bothers me a lot to have people in my house. it is a very personal place for me. outdoors is fine, i have a great enclosed patio with furniture and stuff.
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This is very helpful. You are keenly insightful.You are placing yourself in the martyr position when you "feel obligated" to do something - then you go about doing it without really wanting to do it. You feel insulted because you didn't really want to clean the house but you did because some internal voice in your head is telling you this is your "duty".
Shoulds - have to's - and Duty tend to create frustration in one's mind - do they not?
Perhaps you could investigate the voice in your mind telling you "should" and "have to" clean the house before the guy comes over to play. Is it a role thing? Are you and your bf acting out certain roles where the female cleans the house and the male fixes the car? Or something along those lines. You know what I mean.
You might come to the conclusion you don't really need to go to extra measures just because his friend is coming over. I too used to think I had to play hostess - make sure everyone is comfortable - etc. Once I investigated where that "directive" came from - I found I was more easy going about doing it - or not doing it. I didn't "have to" do it if I didn't want to. It became my choice....not an automatic reaction to what turns out to be my mother's voice resounding in my head. There is a huge difference between automatically doing what I was told by her (old tape playing in my head) - vs. listening to me....
I can relate to your position here. Everyone knows if they wish to come to my home they need to let me know first. My home is my private space and I am mighty protective about it.
Stu makes a valid observation as well with regard to challenging your boyfriend's point of view and his devotion.
I'd try observing your self and the internal stuff in your mind first. But one day .... well....some time in the future....you'll be confronted with this again.
I wish you success in wrestling with the "Have To - Should" monster.
I think it is a mom thing.
It's not really that he should change and do something different.
I'm kind of concerned with my eccentricities hindering another person.
I suppose I just didn't really think it was normal of me.
I had this very same problem. The guy I was dating had his hairstylist friend come over to cut his hair at 8 a.m. on a Sunday. I usually don't wake till 9 or so and he hadn't told me so I felt very hurt and violated. Shortly after, the guy broke up with me because I was too boring and asocial.